Empath > people pleaser > unhappy/pain
Gotta get this out there and it's a blog post so no haters Just have to vent cuz I've learned that writing/talking the words that are in my brain and putting words to my feelings is the only way I heal.
First off, born hs (highly sensitive), awake, with the intuition to heal, a clear mind, and no karma or ego. It doesn't make sense that I would be born this way considering the abuse, addictions, and emotional instability experienced by my birth parents. I felt like an angel in this world and did my best to deal with the horrific reality of the "real world."
It was not in me to hurt another, so through quiet observation, I did all I could to avoid getting hurt and to avoid hurting. This left me in a state of not living, trying to act and do what others and the world expected of me, including what I thought they expected of me through my heightened observation. But people are very wish-washy, so I was often wrong in my guesses, and this left me in a state of perpetual confusion, due to the mixed messages, not just from one person but from society. I didn't know how to act or behave anymore. I was paralyzed by uncertainty. Not because I didn't know what to do, but because I didn't know what I should do. I had been living my life based on what my family, society, and the world thought I should live...all due to pain avoidance.
Now, at 35, I have finally realized that NO ONE knows what's best for me...except for me. Furthermore, I've come to totally disagree with how the majority of society is run, so here I am, still shaken up from living for others, super sensitive to my environment and taking in all the signals (though knowing now that I don't have to act on them), a huge lack of self confidence and self belief/trust, and STUCK in my current situation (disabled, living with my mother), with huge dreams and passions and little ability to carry them out, to act according to what I want because I'm not used to relying just on me and being strong despite what others around me think, or say, or do.
I'm in huge pain right now (fibromyalgia coupled with a slip and fall where I pulled one shoulder muscle a little). I feel like I'm dying with all this pain. But I wanted to write about my distress before I take a nap/rest.
I know the fibromyalgia is stored fear, doubt, negative thoughts and emotions, and just plain holding back and not expressing myself freely and not living life how I want to live it. It's like swimming upstream...a lot of work but not productive. However, the aches and pains and other symptoms I've experienced in the past are definitely my body taking a toll to living my life according to what I think others expect of me. It's like, I'm moving in one direction and my soul wants to go in another, so there is a tug of war and my body gets the brunt of it. (Thoughts and emotions are just as powerful as actions too!)
I've been living my life in constant fear, doubt, worry...and though it seems minor and I'm used to it, it is definitely chronic and adds up!
Though I am sure there is a reason I've lived my life this way so far, and I'm just grateful I realized it when I did...because that means I can change it!! BUT...easier said than done. It is not just a switcheroo with me...I learn from experience and mistakes, and living such a fear-based life, debunking my own fears (which are simply thoughts attached to emotion...not reality), I'm learning the last obstacle I have to defeat in my mid-life rebirth, is myself...my own limitations...and living the life I want and truly desire.