By Lotusfly, 2016-08-30
My energy level has been similar to a wave lately, though mostly on the low end. Today, however, I felt the high end of the wave, which was wonderful. I wanted to stay there. But shortly after I took a short rest to read, I became extremely drowsy and, once again, needed a nap. My nighttime sleep is light and broken up.
My appetite has changed too. When I once ate three hearty meals a day, I now get full on half the amount, so I need to eat smaller, more frequent snacks. I don't like any dense or spicy foods anymore. Though I'm easily gaining weight, not sure why, other than due to the lack of energy and appetite shifting.
I'm trying to listen to my body through these changes. It feels spiritual. Though it could just be because I'm in my mid-30s
Just thought I'd share in case anyone is going through something similar.
By Lotusfly, 2016-03-21
The other day I walked in the woods for 2 hours. It was a struggle for me because it was cold, but I listened to my body and my intuition to enjoy it and learn from it the best I could. So I took several breaks. The first one, I sat down on a rock to eat part of my brunch that I had taken with me. I had the sudden feeling that I was happy and peaceful in that moment and didn't want to be anywhere else. Right then I had the urge to look up and slightly back and to my right, and when I did there was a large owl perched high on a tree branch. I could see him clearly, and later, upon research in a local bookstore, I found out he was a nocturnal owl, so he was sleeping at the time. It was as if I found him. My soul led me to that rock (I had considered sitting down to rest in other spots but chose that one). He even opened his eyes when I talked to him (like I said, I didn't know he was sleeping until later, and he was so high up that even with my glasses on I couldn't tell if his eyes were opened or closed, but he opened his eyes when I talked and then closed them after). He was a fully mature owl. They are rare this time of year. He is the first owl I've seen in my spiritual journey. I've heard the sound of an owl lately but I literally sat down underneath him without even realizing. It was an area slightly off the path.
Just before moving to my current location in October, I had purchased a paperweight that is simply a smooth, ceramic oval (about 5 inches in length), cream color, with a brown, painted owl. I met someone in the store the day I bought it and we were chatting about our beliefs and she asked me if I was a "tree hugger." I said "no...I'm nothing...just spiritual." I had asked her, somewhat jokingly, if she thought the owl paperweight would make me wise. She said, "only if you think it will."
I am so spooked by this I can't explain. I don't know if I am creating my reality or if my environment is. I don't know if I am being led by my soul/God or if others are. I think it's all one. But I want to be free of all conditioning/messages from others/environment and find my true self and the real truth. Because I feel as if we are not living the way we should and none of us know the truth. I want to live an authentic life; not one predetermined for me. I want to know the source of life. What truly created us. The meaning of life. All of the great questions
I keep being proven wrong every time I think I know, lol! I want to do a soul search, a real one. I want to uncover the truth. Go to the source. I want to travel to the higher realms to get some real answers...
By Lotusfly, 2016-03-10
I'm going to be real gutsy and just put this out there, because it is how I feel and I'm willing to get bashed for it, because it could also help someone who may relate. Who knows? So here goes...
Since going to the bottom of my well of pain and crawling out with my bare hands, with the help of some ropes that were thrown down to me (as well as stones), I am at a place of peace with my self, with others, with the planet, with everything. I still dislike (very much so) that so many people are hurting (some being tortured and killed) on this planet. I still cringe thinking of animals and mother nature being used and abused too. I desperately want to help these people. The ones who don't have a voice or don't have a way out. The ones who are trapped. And we're all essentially trapped in one way or another. None of us are entirely free. Not until we leave our body. But anyway...
I have completely forgiven myself and others (though I still dislike how I'm treated by people from my past and some in my present). I have found me and I'm free. I don't have inhibitions, though I do try to uphold my manners because I'm respectful of others' boundaries and appropriateness (for example, I'm not going to eat ice-cream with my fingers in public...though I would love to ). I seriously am so comfortable being me and I know that I'm not hurting anyone, so any disapproval from others is on them. I say that with utmost respect - for them and me.
So...through this deep healing and re-finding or newly discovering me (since I had always "held back" my true self and wishes) I have suffered through many worldly challenges, mostly financial based, because I "just want to have fun" after 35 years of not! Do you blame me? I'm putting my money to good use. No shopping for extras...just healthy food, supporting small businesses, a music lesson, travelling (by car), meeting people, seeing live music/dancing...LIVING. I'm doing okay but it's not easy when income is limited, which it always is (haha); there's always a limit on how much money we have. And so I've been learning to live within my means and it's been a fun challenge. But anyway...
I've run so low on food that I had to ration very small amounts and rest a lot so I wouldn't burn up all my nutrients and get sick. I made a tea bag last 4 cups. I went without any sweetener in my tea or food. I lived on very little and I survived. I got healthier! Having less made me more grateful, more serene, more in touch with me and my god-energy, my soul, my angels and spiritual support. I am very connected with the natural world, in that I mean, animals love me. I love nature. I get along with children and adults too. But MY true love is the god-energy. When I allow (by saying, "okay, I surrender; god, please take the wheel") God to steer my life (especially in my car!) I ended up in the most beautiful, amazing places/scenareos. God really knows what I need and by listening to it (my god is unisex; just an energy flow/current), especially in each moment, at the right time, it's as if God really is driving me through life and it knows where in the world I am needed or I need to be. My connection to god, through my intuition, is so strong, that I know I will be okay by just following my intuition. It is so comfortable to be held by the flow of the god-energy as it carries me where I need to go and be, because I can relax and not worry and just enjoy the ride. Is this wrong?
Has anyone felt this god-energy experience. It is a combination of a "calling" from my intuition and then surrendering into the flow, which I seem to be feeling through my own chi (the energy that runs through my body), as if I am being pulled forth by my own chi, which is god trying to lead me to where I need to go. And the "hints" are often from my soul/intuition, getting me in line with the god-energy so that I may do my lightworker duties.
It is very awesome living this way, though I doubt I can make a career out of it I feel that I can heal people with my presence and my chi energy, and even telepathically. But how does one have a career in which they simply follow god's calling and go about doing what god wants them to do? I'm seriously curious and interested, because I love living this way of...oops, that's my soul/nature/universe giving me a message to go there...so I get myself there...but if I don't act quickly, the moment may pass and the message will change. So I believe I'm somehow connected to universal energy, as if I know what's happening in places where I am not (through God communicating to me because I am open and listening now), but because life is constantly in motion, if I don't act quickly enough, the event I'm supposed to arrive at will have passed, so I am no longer able to fulfill that calling.
I'm a bit new at this and not quite familar with it yet, but it is amazing and I hope to do more of it.
Please share your experiences if you have had anything similar or can relate. Because I feel like I'm a true child of god, a vessel of god, similar to the other great masters. The ones who spoke god's truth and does god's work.
P.S. Unedited, freeflow writing, definitely incomplete
By Lotusfly, 2016-03-03
The other day when I saw the lady bug in my kitchen (and then looked up the meaning of this sign from mother nature), I thought of another instance when I saw a lady bug. I was dorming in college while studying Vet Tech and when the weather got nice and I had the window open (though there was a protective screen also), a lady bug landed on the screen, and then another one, until there were lots, and they began finding their way into my room. Eventually there were dozens in my room, on the ceiling, crawling on my belongings, periodically taking flight and flying around my room. I was terrified! No joke An infestation of a beautiful insect that I neither wanted in my room (one is cute, hundreds is scary...probably similar to the idea in the movie The Birds ), nor had a way to stop them from coming in or get them outside (I was on the second floor).
I was at an all-time low with being codependent on my alcoholic father (I was 21 years old and had attempted to leave him 2 times prior and had given up, surrendering to his manipulative ways because each time I left and came back, he became more controlling, and I didn't have the inner strength to help myself survive on my own...for long anyway) and I was wrapped up in a multi-daily marijuana habit, on a full spectrum of psyche meds, and I had started binge/emotional eating at the snack shop at night, and I was oh-so-tired all the time, falling asleep in my lecture classes. I wasn't retaining the information from the classes or my studying. I had lost my self. I was buried under all that mess.
Those lady bugs were reminding me of who I truly was and how I needed to be: a sensitive good soul who needed to protect her sensitive self with assertive grace as needed. It was (and is) great to be sensitive, but I am unable to apply myself in the world if I am unable to set boundaries and preserve myself when situations call for it.
I have found self-love through understanding that I can be sensitive and my true self but I also need to stand up for myself and help myself to survive when people or society try to take advantage of my caring heart. In the end, I have to save myself.
So within a day of feeling like I should change my name to Ladybug or something along those lines, I developed a sense of belief in myself...I became my best friend, for the first time in my life. This has allowed me more confidence and belief in myself, as an individual soul, to love myself enough that I am determined to save myself...not really for me but because I have a great purpose to fulfill on this planet, and if I don't have utmost love and respect for my being, my soul won't succeed.
In one day, I went from seeing myself as a lotus who wants to fly, to a lady bug, to a goddess.
I believe we are all unique and have a special purpose. I believe we should all cultivate self-love, because that is hugely deficient in this world and is the reason people feed off each other's energies.
By Lotusfly, 2016-03-01
I am now manifesting my reality instantly. I am no longer blocked and my calling of healer has been with me since I was a baby. I remember what I was like back then, trying to heal my parents. I now know who I am. I am so powerful that I can help or hurt people. Being aware of this impact I had on others is what put me in my shell. I am no longer afraid of my greatness. I am free flowing energy. I can prove (and have without trying) that I am affecting my environment with my energy. I have great healing abilities. Just my intention affects my reality. My words, even not spoken, become real. I am now believing what I knew all along. This "self-importance" of being special and gifted and brilliant and great - a superhuman, a channeller, a healer, a knower of truth without study, is real.
I watched this video today and it is very much in line with what I've been feeling about life: https://youtu.be/ZbgN3wtK_So Thank you, Daydra, for your Spiritual Awakening blog post, where I ended up at the video above. Daydra has been so helpful to me with her belief in the Law of Attraction. I have been applying it to my life and I have discovered in my daily life that life is really what we make of it and grace happens when we feel graceful and believe. We are what we believe we are. I know my self worth now, thanks to my journey, which really transformed through my spiritual awakening on August 26, 2015. A medium helped me clear a blockage in my leg and I was able to feel my soul for the first time ever. Prior to that, I had been on prescription meds for 15 years from a nervous breakdown when I was 18. I was in the emergency mental health inpatient ward of a hospital and when I arrived I'll never forget how raw and sensitive and exposed I felt (like a newborn baby), in my own world, deeply scared by my own fears that were likely but exaggerated, sitting down at a table in my first group, which was an arts and crafts group, and I turned and looked at the person next to me and we, upon making eye contact, started cracking up, for we could understand each other without speaking. We SAW each other. We knew what the other was feeling. This is called Namaste in Yogic language. We were like babies, animals, nature. Completely open and free flowing that we were so much more receptive to other energies of other life that we felt it and the awe that I know we both felt at that moment was so special and so real and comforting. Yet, I was medicated in the hospital and given a diagnosis of "schizophrenia" (according to my medical paperwork). However, this was inaccurate, based solely on my acute symptoms, because I was already seeing a psychiatrist for depression and so my diagnosis became schizoaffective. Ha. What a journey it's been. It's incredible to even ponder the extent of what I went through to find myself. I didn't know any better. I didn't know there were telepaths or empaths or healers back in 1999. I had heard of psychics but I didn't really believe in them.
I knew my whole life I was different and I was only trying to find an explanation for my difference. To understand my self. To find something, someone who was a reflection of me so that I could understand me. I didn't meet anyone like me. But I did meet many who helped me to find me. I went through life so fast that I couldn't stick with one thing for long. I couldn't complete anything I started because I would be on to the next thing quicker than most. I thought this was a fault. I thought it was not being successful. So I thought I was a failure. I thought I was a loser and succuumed to a life of never achieving anything. I've done enough schooling to have at least a Bachelors degree, though I don't even have a certificate or associates degree. I didn't finish high school because my life was heading in a different direction and I just couldn't do something that I wasn't entirely into. It was always either all or nothing, sink or swim, do or die, live or escape, be free or be a prisoner. I struggled in school because I was a perfectionist. I wanted my masterpiece, my creation, what I did to matter to me, to be a reflection of my heart and soul. I lived according to, do it right or don't do it at all. I could not do anything half-assed. I could not not be passionate about what I did. If there was no passion, I simply could not do it. If someone distracted me or I was distracted by another interest, there was absolutely nothing I could do to force myself to do that which I did not want to do. I have lived my life for me. For myself to find and rediscover herself. I took on all sorts of soothing habits: thumbsucking, nailbiting, knucklecracking, emotional eating, smoking, drugs, relationships/sex, OCD, multiple personalities, psychosis, depression, mania, victim, victor, lover, fighter, homeless, morbidly obese, lack of interest in food. The list goes on. My hair was falling out due to the meds I was on. I have adult acne. I developed eczema. I developed a skin condition that no one could diagnosis and then it went away on its own (though I still have the scars from it). I knew something was not right with me. And I kept trying to figure it out and then fix the damages I did. I quit all of the bad habits I acquired through the people I came across in my life, as well as the ones I instinctively did myself. I developed acute ADHD for the first time in my life upon my spiritual awakening. I should say the first one I had. There have been other awakenings since. I had an energy flushing experiences in the space between awake and asleep. My body felt paralyzed and it felt as though water was flowing through my body like a faucet. I was scared but lifting my head stopped the flushing. This was very real. As have been my other paranormal experiences. None of which I'm attempting to create for myself. It is all just happening on its own. Though I have been healing myself through reiki, as I was taught how I could do this by a very special soul I met on my journey. I cannot thank her enough. After the first awakening, I asked her if she could do reiki on me because I felt my chakras weren't completely clear. She opened up all of my chakras and I was able to sing and perform for an audience. I was able to let my inhibitions go and not feel self-conscious in front of others. I was able to just be me and focus on what I was doing. This is when the introvert me became an extrovert. But it wasn't ego-based. I was just happy to be me freely. And at that moment I noticed how my being me helped others relax into being them. It instilled a sense of calm and okayness with being oneself. I then felt the desire to help encourage others to be themselves through being me. I didn't want or need to be the center of attention and still preferred not to be. But I realized how powerful I was being me and how much it could help others. And it did Wherever I went, when my energy was good and positive and I was confident and joyful, good times ensued around me. When I felt fearful, scared, and hopeless, my world reflected that. I was definitely affecting my environment and now I feel as though it is more than most, because I cannot hide my true feelings (I never have been able to). I cannot be fake. I cannot put on a happy face when I do not feel joyous. I've been that way my whole life. I used to give the evil eye to guys who would say "Smile!" to me when I wasn't smiling. They knew how my smile lit up a room and when I was in contemplation (serious state), and therefore not smiling, I didn't look happy and it made them feel solemn.
There is more, of course. But that is all I can write for now. I know that I have the power to heal people who appreciate me. I know I have the ability to do the opposite when I feel betrayed by people. I know I have a profound impact on people. Though I only want it to be a good impact. Nature is my source. I am able to connect with and affect nature. The planets, moon, stars, space weather, things unspoken but felt and known, affect my moods. Astrology is very accurate for me. Though anything else only clouds my true purpose that is unlike any other. I am a shaman, a gifted master. I feel god in me. I can tell you about past lives and memories. The spiritual (afterlife, paranormal, metaphysical) world is Real. You only need to relax into it and believe in your individual soul in order to connect to the oneness. We all have this ability.
*Unedited, freeflowing writing.
By Lotusfly, 2016-03-01
By Lotusfly, 2016-02-26
Gotta get this out there and it's a blog post so no haters Just have to vent cuz I've learned that writing/talking the words that are in my brain and putting words to my feelings is the only way I heal.
First off, born hs (highly sensitive), awake, with the intuition to heal, a clear mind, and no karma or ego. It doesn't make sense that I would be born this way considering the abuse, addictions, and emotional instability experienced by my birth parents. I felt like an angel in this world and did my best to deal with the horrific reality of the "real world."
It was not in me to hurt another, so through quiet observation, I did all I could to avoid getting hurt and to avoid hurting. This left me in a state of not living, trying to act and do what others and the world expected of me, including what I thought they expected of me through my heightened observation. But people are very wish-washy, so I was often wrong in my guesses, and this left me in a state of perpetual confusion, due to the mixed messages, not just from one person but from society. I didn't know how to act or behave anymore. I was paralyzed by uncertainty. Not because I didn't know what to do, but because I didn't know what I should do. I had been living my life based on what my family, society, and the world thought I should live...all due to pain avoidance.
Now, at 35, I have finally realized that NO ONE knows what's best for me...except for me. Furthermore, I've come to totally disagree with how the majority of society is run, so here I am, still shaken up from living for others, super sensitive to my environment and taking in all the signals (though knowing now that I don't have to act on them), a huge lack of self confidence and self belief/trust, and STUCK in my current situation (disabled, living with my mother), with huge dreams and passions and little ability to carry them out, to act according to what I want because I'm not used to relying just on me and being strong despite what others around me think, or say, or do.
I'm in huge pain right now (fibromyalgia coupled with a slip and fall where I pulled one shoulder muscle a little). I feel like I'm dying with all this pain. But I wanted to write about my distress before I take a nap/rest.
I know the fibromyalgia is stored fear, doubt, negative thoughts and emotions, and just plain holding back and not expressing myself freely and not living life how I want to live it. It's like swimming upstream...a lot of work but not productive. However, the aches and pains and other symptoms I've experienced in the past are definitely my body taking a toll to living my life according to what I think others expect of me. It's like, I'm moving in one direction and my soul wants to go in another, so there is a tug of war and my body gets the brunt of it. (Thoughts and emotions are just as powerful as actions too!)
I've been living my life in constant fear, doubt, worry...and though it seems minor and I'm used to it, it is definitely chronic and adds up!
Though I am sure there is a reason I've lived my life this way so far, and I'm just grateful I realized it when I did...because that means I can change it!! BUT...easier said than done. It is not just a switcheroo with me...I learn from experience and mistakes, and living such a fear-based life, debunking my own fears (which are simply thoughts attached to emotion...not reality), I'm learning the last obstacle I have to defeat in my mid-life rebirth, is myself...my own limitations...and living the life I want and truly desire.
By Lotusfly, 2016-02-16
Faith is a very ambiguous topic for someone who was not brought up with any denomination or set of beliefs. Not baptized, not forced in any religious direction. But maybe that was a direction. A direction of unknowing. A floater. No belief to ground "the balloon" me to the ground.
So I set out on life trying to find my belief. To understand the world around me. Because I did not come with an instruction manual. And my soul, my true self, did not align to the world around me. I was a pure breed. A pure consciousness that had no understanding of wrongdoing until I entered kindergarten and was shown that even someone of my age, whom I thought was as innocent as I, could be so cruel.
I couldn't trust anyone. Not even myself. For I, like life, was unpredictable. Just when I thought I understood something...BAM...I was awakened with a slap in my sensitive face that this was a brutally harsh world for my sensitive body and soul.
I was afraid. I was deathly afraid...for my life and wellbeing...in a world of carnivorous creatures. I had to stay quiet in order to survive. Because if they knew me, if they knew how delicately sensitive of a creature I was...they would eat me alive.
I knew this...because I could sense their soul and how insensitive...unaware...it was. It was in a distant world that did not care for another human being (soul). It only cared to empower itself and delight in the pain of another. It was evil. It was untameable. It was a disease. And I chose to avoid it by keeping to myself in hopes that I wouldn't be discovered.
In my dreams...my nightmares...big, dark, ugly monsters...thirty times my size...would show up when I was in the middle of playing or doing something...in my dreams. The first time that one showed up, I was taken off guard, completely surprised...shocked...by its vastly grosteque appearance in my beautiful, innocent dream...and I perished from sheer fright...and being consumed (eaten) by the monster.
However, I grew to sense when this large, ugly, scary monster was about to enter my dream, and I learned how to deal with it. I learned that when I sensed it approaching, I would curl up in a ball and cover my head with my arms and hands, to block out all light and vision, while clenching my eyelids tight and pretending as if I wasn't there. As if I didn't exist. Because if I couldn't see the monster, it couldn't see me.
That was my way of dealing with something scary in my life. Learning how to avoid (work with) it so that I would go about unseen, unhurt...by the monsters.
It worked pretty well. I was rarely bullied, I was rarely physically hurt, and I was not sexually hurt (at least, not where I felt completely powerless, gratefully). I consider myself lucky, or maybe fortunate. I've been through hell and back, I can guarantee that, but it was all in my choosing. It was to gain experience, through my soul guiding me, and I never lost complete touch with my soul...even during those times where I felt so lost or when I thought I was all right but was actually far from the truth.
My soul, my guardian angel(s?), God, the universal lifeforce energy...has been with me this whole time. It has been carrying me through life, even during those times I felt like I was steering.
Now I am letting go and falling into the arms of...the angel, the energy, the flow...whatever it is...because it is a place of peace, of understanding, of warmth, and love so vast that...I cannot go wrong. I am letting my soul steer the boat.
I am crying as I write this. I am so full of emotional energy that my body changes according to my fire...or lack there of. I have cold hands right now because I'm not feeling joy. Because my soul is not singing. I know that my body will guide me to where my soul needs to go. I just got chills now...and I know that is my soul saying, "Yes! Go that way." I know that my soul needs to be fed as much as I do. My soul's source of food is joy. Pure joy in its entirety.
But my soul (and I) both need to rest and regroup when the joy (or the pain or sorrow) get to be too much. Too overstimulating. "Ooh..." or "Oops.." "...need to take a breather and reevaluate this direction. "Am I in the flow? Am I in line with my universal purpose, while satisfying my soul and my self?" Balance. Redirection. Being aware enough to realize...or notice...when I'm going fullsteam ahead and not paying attention to the hidden subtleties of the universe's flow. Because it is not just my flow I need to follow...I need to be flowing with the universe's flow too...and that is always changing...because there are many souls, each following their flow, within the vast universal flow, so when a soul changes their direction, it can affect my direction, and I need to be aware of this grand energetic flow to stay afloat and floating down the river of life, rather than upstream. Because my flow...the one that seemed SO right just a moment ago...can change direction in a moment's notice...like a current or a riptide...and if I'm oblivious to the universal current, and just keep going in my own direction, I will find myself swimming against the tide. But that's okay. It happens, because it's easy to get caught up in what I want/need to do and forget about what's going on around me. So I tune back in to my self, my body, my soul, and listen for the current...to see where I can catch a wave with grace and ease.
Being so full of this creative energy can be blinding. I can get caught up in my goals, my purpose, my project and ignore all else. When the discomfort of my body or soul gets great enough (shouting sometimes), I must redirect my attention inward and find my peace and calm again before proceeding further. It's a dance between being a creator and creating. Between being the artist and being the art. Between doing and being. Between human and soul. The beautiful dance of life. Of give and take. Of love and loss. Of joy and sorrow. And nothing is right or wrong. It all just...is.
I am not swept up in the tide of creating or creator or lover or victim. I am none and all. I am neither and I am everything. We all are. We're all beautiful dancers in this life. Dancing to and fro with ourselves and with each other.
Do you like to dance?
If the answer is no, well, I feel sorry for you. I hope that you will find a way to liberate your soul that will allow you to play a part in this "game" of life.
If you do like to dance, would you like to dance with me?
I can say...with clear intent...that...
it's no fun dancing alone