Empathic Distress & Realizations
Sorry it's gonna be quite long.
I’ve come to the realization that living w/my BFF & her offspring is not only upsetting to me, but actually unhealthy for me as well, as an empath. I tried to convince myself, since I had nowhere else to go, that it would allow me to lose weight, get my health back, & be better, do better, & feel better. But my health has gotten worse in some ways, am completely unable to lose weight due to more hormonal issues, & alternate between feeling like I need to run & feeling like I want to flip out on her all the time.
But instead I’m at the whim of her overwhelming emotions. I alternate between not being able to sleep well, being plagued by overwhelming senses of fight or flight, especially when she’s feeling more anxious, which is honestly a not small percentage of the time. She’s a mom & a worry wort & I understand that. But it occurs to me that all this overwhelming empathy between us isn’t good for me. Her worry makes me feel worse on top of my pre-existing worry about not having a freaking place to live and having to abide by her rules & restrictions. It’s making me hella bitter.
And I’m beginning to feel a lot of Empathic Distress b/c of it. I’ve realized that perhaps empaths can feel this, even w/o being caregivers. She’s an attachment parent, who never has a break, never goes anywhere, and also never really gets to hang out w/me anymore. I think I spoke to her more when I didn’t live w/her honestly. I’ve started having extremely mean, dark impulses, which I’ll elaborate on later, as this post is already becoming quite long.
Things would be so much better if A. She actually left the house regularly and I could be alone (she works from home too). Or B. I left the house on a regular basis. But since my illness and not being able to go out much + this pandemic. We’re stuck in here together and it’s driving me insane. I vowed never to live with her. EVER! I knew it would drive me crazy mentally, but I feel that now it’s actually bad for me. I would be able to be much more compassionate towards her if I was away from her. B/C all these overwhelming things are leaching my affection. She was feeling super anxious about her family coming over for the Winter Solstice, but then decided that she’d have them over another time, as her boyfriend is coming for a visit as well & it’s too much. I felt better before I even knew she’d made that decision. It was astounding the difference in how I felt. I really don’t know how to emotionally distance myself w/o also losing my BFF of over 20 yrs.
I’m looking forward to getting the vaccine, although I know that my need to get out of here & away from them is also long overdue. And I don’t think I can wait on the vaccine. I’ve got to put all my energy into getting a place to live, even if that means (temporarily) renting a room somewhere else.
I wish I could go out again. If I was alone I could, but then conversely I’d likely not be able to afford it much. Back before I got sick & was working & lived w/roommates things were much easier, despite also hating living w/people, I went out all the time, not just to work, but just left the house so I wouldn’t have to be there.
But now as a person w/a disability who can’t really go out much due to physical & financial limitations, I find that my “at home” needs are much more clear & precise.