Can you help me to understand my failed relationship
First I would like to start with a short introduction...
Narcissist, empath, HSP. These words are thrown right and left in world nowadays almost carelessly. And in most cases they don't even match the truth. Narcissists are worst kind of people there is and putting a "narc" seal on a person needs lots of evidences for that, not just a story. Don't forget that there is also emotionally damaged people, which often act in narcissistic ways, there is also people that are still deeply hurt and seek relief and peace to recover later, and lots and lots more. Dividing people on normal/narcissist is just very narrow way of seeing things. That is why it needs EXPERT to actually make diagnosis of someone else to have disorder or other illness, and these experts work for months with patient until signing a verdict. People can call themselves narcissists as much as they want, but think 10 times before they call someone else a narc. Its a very serious accusation, furthermore that never should be told to actual narcissist, because it can sabotage that little chance for their recovery.
Now to actual topic. First of all. Welcome to our site! And also I am sorry if I will "sound" a bit robotic, but that's my way, Im not cold or against anything about you or that girl, just serious attitude to serious things in my opinion. I wont tell you about energy and such, because that was not something you requested help with, furthermore if you are not sure if you are empath. I will tell you my thoughts about your story, but only about what you wrote, because people are complicated beings in all aspects. Take my words not as truth, but as something to think about and consider if it is so or not, something to hopefully help you understand things better, because I don't know neither you or that girl, nor your backstories and what you both were trough in life.
First of all, like I said above -I think you both are not narcissistic, too unlikely. Narcissist would not even care to come here to seek help with this issue. I think both of you are just unaware of yourselves, like @womanwhowalks mentioned . And that is completely normal in most people lives period! What my intuition tells me is that you both just have unresolved issues from past which makes you both insecure in certain situations. And you also mentioned that yourself with "patterns from past".
From what you wrote I can give a bit dull insight. If its truth or not -you can decide. You do seem like a caring guy, because you let yourself to be manipulated. And that is normal if you are not aware of yourself as caring guy, it happens very often. Second -girls, especially HSP or emotionally damaged tend to be often emotionally manipulative until they become aware or balanced. And it seems like this could take place in your situation.
I think this is what happened to you both in my theory :
My intuition tells me that you both are a bit needy people, been trough that myself too, its not something terrible and is much able to change. The girl seemed intuitively and instinctively prepare a ground for her safe escape with you, because of possible bad past with people that she got attached herself to. Its not something that she has done out of evil inside, more like as naturally formed tactic to escape if things get hurtful for her again, to flee without carry much guilt with her.
First she praised you to make herself feel easier, that chances that you will stay a bit longer increase. Then she started to collect "blame bank" for safe escape. Words like "I am afraid that you will disappear" or "I hope you can handle my mood swings" are basically questions that put pressure on you, to answer "I wont" or something encouraging for her mood swing answer. On one hand -she is honest with you -on other its something that insecure people use to keep people with them or have an excuse for later...Or manipulate not to take responsibilities for bad things. So that can leave person in situation "I cant leave, because I will look bad and ugly, feel bad, like a traitor", yet also there is nothing for you to assure her stay which makes you worried.
About you. Well. That is harder, because I also noticed, that you wrote much more about her here, but not much about yourself. So is this about her? Or is this truly about both of you?
But for now I can tell. You are not a narcissist. About her -I doubt that she is too. More like she is swinging between her fears and what she wishes. In other words -wants something, but is afraid to make a step, when you make a step towards her wishes -she flees, afraid to make it more serious, because it can hurt her more, disappoint more, most likely disappoint in herself. Maybe her past patterns make her do that, yet they come subconsciously and she cant explain even for herself why?
I think most probably that girl is either deeply wounded or emotionally damaged, but this is not verdict. Difference between narcissist and emotionally damaged person is...Narcissist abandons and betrays you without feeling bad or any kind of regret...Emotionally damaged people abandon you, because of fear to be hurt more than they already are, and that pain they cant handle or because they fear to be ashamed of themselves. Narcissist run, because they don't see flaws in themselves at all...The other, because they feel too flawed, they run from guilt, for them taking responsibility is feeling guilty, which they fear a lot. And emotionally damaged people -they do feel guilty when they do bad things. Narcissist does not suffer because of that, but the other one does, yet they don't want to suffer and want to be happy too. It makes them to behave in "fleeing, but don't want to let go" manner, taking step towards you, but then taking distance afterwards.
Her working as nurse to children I see as completely normal, nothing unusual from my perspective on all of this.
To actually understand what is going on you need knowledge about situation. First gather what you know about both of you from past to understand your behavior in present, then break your relationship into events, then ask why these events happened if you cant just let them be and they bother you. Seek additional knowledge from outside sources if you don't understand something.
Read about disorders like "Narcissistic, borderline, bipolar". About Toxic people and energy vampires. And also about emotionally damaged people. And of course learn about HSP and empaths. All these people can act in narcissistic manner from time to time or be a narcissist covering behind an innocent mask.
I can help you by giving some thoughts in private if you want, because once again as I mentioned above -people are complicated and I have truly lots to say about all of this, but don't want my post to be 1.5 meters long. And also I dealt with this kind of girl before. Spend over half year seeking answers why it happened so to us. And found out to have my peace.
P.S. Don't let negativity cloud your judgment. <3
updated by @curious-child: 07/03/18 06:35:53AM