I need help or something/anything
I'm sorry I keep dropping off the face of the earth, I've just gotten to the point where I feel useless to help anyone or do anything. I feel bad for letting everyone down, and I'm sorry I couldn't do better.
That being said, I need some kind of advice/input/something. I've been trying to get a hold of people for days, but it seems everyone thought it would be a good idea to ditch me at the same time. I don't really have family, or very many close friends, but you would think someone would be around when you need help? Nope.
I've been trying to get my empath back for three years now. It used to be very strong, and I could feel things very clearly and was beginning to see. Well, it turned out that my mentor was not as good of a person as she said she was, and sent some bad entities after me to shut me off. I thought it was my fault at the time, but I since learned that it wasn't me, but rather her going on some sort of a power trip.
Anyways, after about a year of trying to figure out what was going on, I finally figured out some ways to fix it, where it got worse for a while, and then I reached out. I found a healer, who is now a very good friend and we've been working together to heal each other in the best way that we can. Most of the bad things are gone (I think), and I feel better and lighter than I have most of my life (if ever), but I still can't feel much at all.
Please also note, that while the mentor sent some bad stuff after me, I had bad stuff attached before this happened too, just not as bad or nearly as much.
Well here I am, three years later, stuck again. I have not gotten my empath back, and I am basically running low on hope. I have really lost faith in all aspects. Sure, I feel better overall, but I am starting to wonder if I lost everything else. Every time I try to hope for something, have some sort of dream or plan it comes crashing down. I gave up all hope of having my gifts come back, of having some sort of purpose (I thought I was supposed to do something tied into my gifts, but since I can't seem to get them back, I'm just sitting here wasting time), having someone to fall in love with, etc. It's one thing after another after another. It's like I get a teaser of something good, and as soon as I start to see a glimmer of light it's all taken away. It's crushing, and I feel like I will never be able to attain any sort of goodness in my life. It's that way with stepping out in faith to help someone too. Several times I thought God was pushing me to help someone, and so I would reach out in faith. Not only did I make their situation worse, but I gave them reason to give up hope. Makes me feel pretty terrible.
Besides my empath, I finally thought I found my soulmate/twin flame. I had been praying about him for quite a while. I haven't dated much, or ever had a boyfriend, but I kept getting the answer "soon." I even had a couple of very clear visions about him and I doing stuff. I just brushed them off as tricks of the mind... especially since nothing seems able to go right for me, but lo and behold! He walked into work for an interview about two weeks later! I was floored, ecstatic. I didn't really allow myself to hope for a while, but when he got hired, I actually reached out to talk to him. Found out he was 5 years younger (19), and very quiet, but I am quiet too, so that was no big deal. After about a month of talking to him (he is very nice), I decided to ask him to coffee. It was a hard move, but I had been praying about it, and thought it was ok. I felt a lot of positivity about it despite my fears. Finally, I asked him, and his initial answer was yes. I thought that maybe things were looking up, and I allowed myself some hope and happiness that I had not felt in a very long time.
Well as life would have it, I got to be the butt of the joke again. About an hour later, I get a text from him, with an apology for the confusion, and saying that he already had a girlfriend. As much as I hate to say this, this sent me in a nosedive. This was the last thing I allowed myself to hope for. I have already been trying to find reasons to stay alive, and now I'm afraid that I will also be alone forever. I had already been depressed, but this was my last straw.
I've been trying to have faith that something good will happen for me. I really don't allow myself to hope or look forward to anything anymore since I know how that ends. But now, I just... I don't know. I need help, advice, or something. I can't keep going on like this. I want to be healed, I don't want to be lonely, I want to feel like I have some sort of purpose in life, and I want to help people. I'm sorry for all the negativity, I hate being like this (I used to be a pretty positive and upbeat person), but I don't know how much longer I can keep going down this road.
Thanks in advance
updated by @hoofbeats: 06/14/20 09:29:02AM