Trying to be strong
Hello all! I hope everyone that reads this is doing well.
I am writing this because I am in need of some advice. I will want to warn anyone that reads this that there will be intense emotion in this. I don't mean to attach the emotions and I am sorry if I overwhelm anyone.
Okay, deep breath and here is my story:
About six months ago my mother reached out to her older sister and they started talking. They had not seen or talked to each other in sixteen years. We were all relieved that they were finally able to have each other back in their lives. As the months passed and my mother talked more to my aunt, it started becoming obvious to us that something was very wrong with my aunt's relationship with my uncle. Things got worse when my aunt's daughter was placed in a care facility. Her daughter is 40 something and suffered a traumatic brain injury at the age of 12. She was placed in a care facility because she is diabetic and was not receiving her medications. After that, plans started being laid for my mother and I to go and see my aunt. Last month we finally made it to Utah where my aunt, her daughter and the husband live. It was horrible. My aunt weighed 98 pounds, only ate peanut butter sandwiches, had not showered in a month and was not changing her clothes. So, long story short, my uncle had a protective order taken out against him and my aunt is now in Oregon with my family. We are in the process of getting her daughter moved to facility here in Oregon.
Now comes the feelings:
My aunt has dementia, is very mean and rude to me, fights us at every turn and threatens to walk away all the time. I am at my wits end. I try and try to help her, to include and welcome her and she hates me. The other day I had to work and I was hugging everyone and saying I love you. Well it was her turn and she ignored me for a minute before saying, "Well they must have bribed you." (by they she meant my parents) and gave me a hug. I was so hurt. I have tried so hard to make her feel loved but she will tell everyone in my family that I hate her, give her mean looks and ignore her. Okay I admit, I am ignoring her now because I am so hurt but I do not give mean looks and I certainly do not hate her. She is my aunt! I have not seen her in sixteen years! I want to have a relationship with her but she has put up so many walls against me and only me. I want to cry and scream and just melt away. I hate my life right now. I am so depressed. Smiling has always been something that is easy for me. Now, it is hard to find reasons to smile. Like real, genuine smiles. I fake them all day long but my heart is not in them. I am just wearing a mask for my family. I have started to have very mean thoughts toward her and I hate myself for it. The only person who sees the horrible way she treats me and stands up to her about it is my brother.
I am at my wits end. I am frustrated and hurt. I want to be able to look at my aunt and not see all the mean and horrible things she has said/done to me. My parents say I need to be understand and strong. They say she cannot help what she does. I don't believe that. I think she is doing this because we have no boundaries set up with her. I know she has left everything behind, that life is hell for her right now but I do not think that she should be allowed to treat me like this. I am trying my best to not allow myself to fall into the deep hole of depression but it is hard and I am failing.
I also want to add that I can feel the hate radiating off of her. I takes all my strength and willpower not to be overwhelmed by it. When she touches me I feel like I have been punched in the face. I feel sick to my stomach almost all the time and the only time I feel relief is when I go to work and am far away from her. I take walks when I can but I am feeling weaker and weaker everyday and can not walk as far. I am worn out.
Thank you for reading this. I love you all.
updated by @finding-peace: 06/14/20 09:29:02AM