So today my counselor and I were discussing triggers. I was talking with him about how I was driving and all of a sudden started to experience some anxiety when I was passing a road I used to live on. While I was living on that road, I was at probably the lowest point of my life. The house is filled with so many terrible memories, but I have overcome everything that happened to me while I was there, or at least I thought I had. My therapist told me I was likely triggered by the memories. And I suppose that explanation makes sense logically. I have been triggered by things before, and I suppose the term I would use to describe how I felt would be "anxious." The problem is this time it didn't feel like that empty anxiety I normally feel when something is triggering. This time it was more real. I almost want to use the word "thick." It was closer to the way I felt when I was living there than what I feel when I'm triggered by a past experience.
So then I had to think about this for a minute and I got to thinking about how time is not linear. And that we are simultaneously experiencing everything we ever have done and ever will do all at once. Maybe something to do with that is why I felt this way? I feel like I know deep down what happened but I can't bring it to the surface because I don't have the words in my vocabulary to explain it. If anyone has ever had a similar experience, or knows what this might have been, I'm all ears.
I haven't posted for a while. It's not that I don't have things to say, I just don't know how to say them lately!
things are happening in the world right now on levels that I don't know how to explain because I don't know the words for them. I feel it all changing again and even though I can't find a word for WHAT those things are, I just keep feeling it and thinking to myself "here we go again". It's like I just automatically know what it is an what's happening but I can't say it because it's not in my vocabulary. Does anyone else understand what I'm trying to say or is this all just gibberish? Haha. It's frustrating to not have words and it seems that's been the norm for me for a couple weeks now.
Now I don't identify with any one religion. It's not that I dismiss any of them as invalid, I just don't know what I believe yet. But this song by the Christian group Relient K really hits home for me. It's called "Failure to excommunicate" and I think it's beautiful and embodies the empath viewpoint. Here are my favorite lyrics "Jesus loved the outcastsHe loves the ones the world just loves to hateAnd as long as there's a HeavenThere'll be a failure to excommunicateThe world just keeps you at an arm's lengthEvery week you work up the strengthTo fight the flames that are hurled, let your faith shine right throughYou know it's the world versus Jesus and youIt's disgusting, their prioritiesHow we're entrusting them with authorityTheir gavel's gone down before they looked in your heartThey finished this racism before they reached the start"Whether it's Jesus giving me the grace to see who people truly are, or some other force, I could not be more greatful for this gift. We see people's hearts. There truest intentions and desires. And because of this, I realize how beautiful the human race is. We as empaths have been given a peek into the goodness of others that most don't get. Don't let your vision be fooled by the few bad people out there, or the cruelty that the do. People are good. <3 YOU are good. And of we all join together, WE can be great.
Today I was reminded how lucky I am to have the beautiful parents that I have.I had been struggling with some stuff lately and really just trying to handle it on my own. But I finally cracked and broke down and called my mom crying. I was afraid to tell her because I knew she'd worry about me even more than she already does. And I knew she'd tell my dad and he's not a very gentle person. I've always known he loves me, but he can be very mean and not very understanding.My mom was so sweet though. She just told me how much she loves me and asked how she could help. <3 She cried with me and told me never to keep stuff from her because I'm her child and her first priority. It's amazing having that kind of support in my life. I'm in that weird stage where I'm an adult, but still growing up. And I need to remember that it's ok to ask mom and dad for help sometimes.Then I had to face my dad and I was terrified. He actually terrifies me. But he didn't yell or lecture or get mad like he usually does. He basically just told me to keep working hard and it would be ok. He reminded me I'm only 23 and there's plenty of time. I was so touched and surprised. That might not seem very sentimental to some, but coming from a person like my it's huge.As empath, the whole situation was so emotional. I felt my moms hurt for me, and her love. I felt my dad's disappointment but understanding. I feel better now. Never forget how important family is. <3
I've had some bad luck with roommates. I finally found some that I thought were going to work out. I thought wrong. I was smart enough to state from the very beginning that we would only do this on a month to month basis and see how things went. I did NOT put them on my lease. Thank goodness, because today I had to have the talk with them about finding a new place. They took it ok.Things were going great for the first two months. But lately theyve been fighting nonstop (they're a couple). I've had an awful cold all week and was looking forward to this past weekend so I could rest. Well Friday night the man wakes me up and says the girl got mad and left and went to drink at her friends. I guess she calle him and said some boy at her friends house kept touching her and se wanted to come home. He asked if I'd drive him to pick her up. I didn't want the girl to get hurt so I look at the time, 3:15am!! But I took him anyways because I didn't want anything to happen to her. We got to the house and she was drunk and belligerent and wouldn't leave. So I got up for nothing.The next morning rolls around and I wake up at 9am to the girl calling my phone asking if her boyfriend was at our apartment. I told her he was gone and so was some of his stuff. So she gets back and vents to me about how she's so over him, blah blah blah. Next thing you know later that night she's knocking on my door waking me up asking if I'll drive her to where he is because his friends called and said he's drunk tryig to start fights. So once again I drag myself out of bed and drive her over there.So much for my restful weekend! This event was the straw that broke the camels back. I told them they have until the 10th of next month to be out. Geesh! I'm beginning to think it's impossible to live with other people. Or maybe it's me!
Either way I just thought I'd share my little story since so many here have posted about living situations lately.
I love my gift, and being an empath is one of my favorite things about myself, but sometimes if I lose perspective for even a second it can make the world seem so cruel. Sometimes if I forget that not everyone FEELS the world and people/animals in it like I do, then I get to wondering how people can be so cruel. How can they judge a person for how they feel? And then I have to step back and remember that maybe that person judging, wouldn't be judging if they understood how the other person felt like I do. Or I witness somebody bullying another person and think to myself how can that person get pleasure from the negative way they are making somebody else feel? And then I remind myself again that they probably wouldn't enjoy what they were doing if they actually felt what the other person felt right then. But the truth is, they don't. And because of that, I honestly don't think the world is bad, or that my gift is a curse, or that even people in general are bad. People are good. <3 I can't judge them for what they don't know. I'm not saying it's ok for them to bully, just that it's not the same kind of bad to them as it is to me or somebody who feels the world like me. On a basic level, it's like a little kid calling a large person fat, it's not nice nor appropriate, but you can't punish them for what they don't know. If instead we teach what we do know to others who don't understand, we might be more impactful than just scolding them for doing wrong. A parent would take the child aside and tell them it isn't appropriate to say those things because it can be hurtful. We too should do that with people in the world who cause hurt. We shouldn't yell at them or berate them or judge them. I choose to think that people are good and if we show compassion in helping them understand the things we see that they can't, then maybe we'd be more successful in helping them.Empathy isn't bad, nor are people. But losing perspective of what really is can cause it to seem like what it's not.
I'm the girl who posts a lot of "<3, thank you, and I don't know".My <3's are me sending you pure love from my very own heart. It's unlimited! I feel love for all of the members here. We share our struggles.My "thank yous" are sincerely meant, not just something I say to be polite. I am genuinely appreciative of all of you.And my "I don't knows" are questions from my heart. I do trust this community to teach and help me.My hope is that I can help others feel welcomed here like they've done for me. We aren't alone anymore!
And I'm not sad!!! I'm waiting for the sorrow to come. Maybe it won't. Maybe it will weeks or days or months from now. But right now I feel good. Relieved. Proud of myself! This is the change I have felt coming. I'm not that girl anymore. Now I'm the girl that rose above it! Feels a lot better than staying with him did. I'm back universe! <3