Confusing negative thoughts towards loved one

Kate T
Kate T
@kate
6 months ago
169 posts

 Hi all,

I have a very unlikely issue I cannot seem to be able to solve on a mental level.

This is a long post but I don't know how to shorten it, so I am sorry for that, I highlighted the questions.

Though I am in a relationship with someone who believes in me and long-term, have met each others' families willingly, travelled, have some common views and hobbies etc. I am unable to shake the feeling that I should cease the relationship.

I have tried expressing this multiple times over the past 7 months (total 1 year) and get to its core, understand why. I both want and don't, as it would leave me depressed for god knows what amount of time, and I like and enjoy attention or closeness.

But I have a strong need for reciprocity. The person I love exists in my thoughts and whenever I have or think about something or take a decision I mentally consult the person. I "listen" to the kind of energy note I get back from him. I interpret it. Sometimes I still act like myself but it's an automated mental mechanism to send energy to the other and listen for the "echo".

This is where I am left puzzled as this person makes it very hard for me to connect on a soul level. One could say he is happy not doing it. I am not. I am able to predict what can happen based on knowing him better than he can. Though the argument here is "don't infer things as you may be wrong", an advice I understand, and took as it is fair (i don't like things "inferred" either), there are times when i have a strong feeling of "I can feel what will happen and I will act against it" if it looks like an obstacle. This feelings are different from inferring as a vice. They are... a bit more profound.

I have had this since I was young, which is when I started reading about these to understand how it is possible, maybe at 12-13. He is the very rational "scientific" kind that has explicitly told me he even finds psychology as a discipline "totally bullshit". I grew up in a society where spiritual values were more valued than in his, and I ended up internalising or crystallising lessons and beliefs pertaining to people sometimes manifesting psychic abilities, ability to tell what will happen, or feeling what the other feels clearly, even with plants and animals, as it has happened in my family going back to 3 generations especially on my mother's line (something they never told me until I was 19 and enquired about it myself). No one spoon fed me these or forced me to accept them.

Slowly I tried explaining that I believe in these to my boyfriend, despite both being "schooled" individuals where standard science has a stronger say blah blah. I have been able to tell on a few occasions what he was thinking, something he doesn't really do, though I try to not be strong about these, rather soft, I might even tell them jokingly to avoid being called mad. This might be the reason I haven't been taken seriously thought at other times I was. 

I have been telling him about my spiritual problems (or cravings?!) but I feel like to no avail as not much changes. I felt like i've never been able to fully express myself around him and on a few occasions he's treated my feelings as irrational and shallow, despite the fact that I put great effort in opening up honestly in the first place, or that the words I use are too abstract or pseudo-scientific. 

I don't know if anything will change in the foreseeable future in regards to this as i've been fighting him a lot to make my point go across.  

I am aware not everybody can understand these. Though I told him some of my closest happenings with family and animals (knowing when father will come home or call despite the hours not being the same, feeling like my mother was worried and calling my name, describing how it feels, like a mental image or sound in my head)... he does not get how close these encounters are to my heart or how crucial it is for me to keep perceiving the world on this level. I don't want to close up and I fight and resent that lifestyle of "cannot see cannot hear".

I have made choices to preserve "myself", such as leaving for a semi-rural place instead of a capital (work and Master's), but the same instinct now is creating funny things in my head. Negative scenarios regarding him, my thoughts just roll into an abyss of "ways how to break up" and I do not understand what generates them. I am afraid to follow such thoughts or instinct, instead i'm more willing to correct them. I don't know if i'm acting ok though trying to change the other through "fighting". I am told it's not yet it feels like it's the... alternative. 

Why those/these constant negative thoughts towards him? What if I follow them and they reoccur with other partners? 

I want to say that despite what he claims he isn't entirely separated from the "spiritual" world or concepts, but he can be extremely blind to it in a childish, stubborn way rather than malicious. Yet he is not encouraged towards it in any way, only to criticise and belittle such concepts as inferior. I come from a more balanced society in that regard, of spiritual values that don't have to be 100% "institutionalised religion", and instead combine with old customs and folklore (I just chose to believe and read more due to my personal experiences, I never pushed these onto others).

I am perplexed by how upsetting I find him to be because of the spiritual side he does not see in me or others, though I tried to teach him what and why when we visited my country, as I did with his family. His emotional intelligence isn't the best either. 

What could I possibly do to help myself feel less misunderstood, have less negative thoughts (dark? :( ) towards him? I'll just end up attacking him relentlessly until he changes, if he does, and he will never understand why, seemingly, everything in the psychological/emotional sphere is quite "abstract" to him, and anything pertaining to non-abrahamic religions is pseudo-science...............


updated by @kate: 06/14/20 09:29:02AM
Karen2
Karen2
@womanwhowalks
6 months ago
1,077 posts
Hi...you...are...unhappy. That is why you are having what you call negative thoughts. It's not rocket science. This person is not able to to fill what ever you want him to fill. You are not truly connected in the way you want to be at the level that's important to you. You haven't 'clicked'. You want to end the relationship. So end it and move on. He will NOT change to fit you
You can not expect people to do that. And hanging on hoping he will would definitely be unfair to you and to him. He is the way he is. A nice guy. Just not the one for you. So. Just get it over with and you'll be fine.
Karen2
Karen2
@womanwhowalks
6 months ago
1,077 posts
Karen2:
Hi...you...are...unhappy. That is why you are having what you call negative thoughts. It's not rocket science. This person is not able to to fill what ever you want him to fill. You are not truly connected in the way you want to be at the level that's important to you. You haven't 'clicked'. You want to end the relationship. So end it and move on. He will NOT change to fit you
You can not expect people to do that. And hanging on hoping he will would definitely be unfair to you and to him. He is the way he is. A nice guy. Just not the one for you. So. Just get it over with and you'll be fine.
And when you do break up with him, remember to clear all energy ties to him. All his energy roots. Maybe before you break it off, check your energy for roots that might be causing your current problems to make sure this is all you, and not someone else influencing you.
Kate T
Kate T
@kate
6 months ago
169 posts

Karen2: Hi...you...are...unhappy. That is why you are having what you call negative thoughts. It's not rocket science. This person is not able to to fill what ever you want him to fill. You are not truly connected in the way you want to be at the level that's important to you. You haven't 'clicked'. You want to end the relationship. So end it and move on. He will NOT change to fit you You can not expect people to do that. And hanging on hoping he will would definitely be unfair to you and to him. He is the way he is. A nice guy. Just not the one for you. So. Just get it over with and you'll be fine.

Problem is he is clinging more than I am. It would make him very sad and depressed, don't know for how long, and I don't feel like my feeling to break up is powerful enough to do such a thing at the moment, I prefer giving chances until all of them are used and tried. I don't take a relationship lightly, through for some reason he feels as if I am perfect for him... something he's always said, yet I don't feel like it, so I voiced my problems, which for some reason he does not understand, for he sees everything as being ok. The powerful reason I don't feel like it is of a slightly spiritual nature. It's hard for me to understand how this can happen or why it happens, what bizarre rules of nature are at play. I know separating would make us or him unhappy, depressed... and I don't have many other friends or people to rely on, being the one in the foreign country. 

What I am wary of is the danger of my own instinct if it happens to be wrong, though in the past it has proven not to be. It's like taking a leap into the unknown, it's not like I've met anyone else I fancy more than him or as if I could replace this relationship with another.

I have not focused on my social life lately at all and I have yet to find whether this is the source of the problems or generated by my relationship. He does not seem very keen on helping me. 


updated by @kate: 01/29/20 11:20:42AM
Karen2
Karen2
@womanwhowalks
6 months ago
1,077 posts
There comes a time when letting go must happen. Reading your post is rubbing ME the wrong way. Almost like you're telling a lie. Being afraid to let go of someone is always there. But if you are holding on because there's no one else or because you are afraid of hurting him then it's not much of a relationship at this point. You have the right to look after yourself emotionally, physically, spiritually. Breaking up is ALWAYS hurtful to both involved. You are stronger though. If you dont enjoy being around him why would you put yourself through that? You don't click. I don't take being in a relationship lightly either, but if the guy isn't into me nor me him...I wouldn't continue on with the relationship. Maybe as a friend, but I wouldn't invest more if it's not returned. If he's not investing anything now, he sure won't later.
Karen2
Karen2
@womanwhowalks
6 months ago
1,077 posts
Karen2:
There comes a time when letting go must happen. Reading your post is rubbing ME the wrong way. Almost like you're telling a lie. Being afraid to let go of someone is always there. But if you are holding on because there's no one else or because you are afraid of hurting him then it's not much of a relationship at this point. You have the right to look after yourself emotionally, physically, spiritually. Breaking up is ALWAYS hurtful to both involved. You are stronger though. If you dont enjoy being around him why would you put yourself through that? You don't click. I don't take being in a relationship lightly either, but if the guy isn't into me nor me him...I wouldn't continue on with the relationship. Maybe as a friend, but I wouldn't invest more if it's not returned. If he's not investing anything now, he sure won't later.
Actually he's probably lying to you. There's something you said that raised red flag. He says he thinks you are perfect for him, yet you don't feel it to be true. That's the lie. You know it's there. And it's not sitting well with you. He's lying. He will say he's not. But you know the lie is there. Someone lying to me is a big no no. Instant death. Be his friend if you want, but anything more will just irritate the heck out of you.
Matthew Elsey
Matthew Elsey
@matthew
6 months ago
33 posts

criticise and belittle...

Trade mark of a malignant Narcissist hence the red flag.

Trust yours intuition 100%

When you leave, leave quietly and don't tell him your leaving just go. I feel. he will get nasty. If you can arrange it so he doesn't know where you are going even better. I do not want to scare you but I feel he is going to turn on you. 

I am not offering advice but supporting your own intuitions decision. Be strong. It will hurt. May I suggest the work of Teal Swan.

Good luck hugs Matthew 

Hop Daddy
Hop Daddy
@hop-daddy
6 months ago
1,099 posts

I think everyone has given you some good advice. I would only add that I think that you're not going to find a lot of partners who are 100% okay and accepting of your abilities. This topic comes up a lot with empaths. You said you know him better than he knows himself. And that's because you see him clearly on a soul and energy level. Whereas he like a lot of people only see their view of their own positives, and he conveniently closes off recognition of any part of himself that he could be working on. Empaths are typically old souls that are more advanced and see life through very different eyes than your average person. That makes finding a good match in a romantic relationship challenging.

I would say the #1 truth that I have learned in recent years is to go with your gut feeling on big decisions like this. Your gut is your intuition. And if you're not 100% trusting in your intuition on this, then try this simple exercise. Take a note pad out and write down one column title "Pros" and another column as "Cons". And then fill in what you like about him, what you dislike about him. Make sure you also note how he makes you feel in different cricumstances (like financial, romance, soul connection, protection etc.). List all of that down as a pro or con. Once your list is complete it doesn't necessarily matter that the Pros column is longer than the Cons column. And the reason is that there may be some very powerful single reasons under either column. But this exercise helps you put everything on paper and see right before your eyes whether this guy is overall good or bad for you. I call this the "Gut Check" exercise because it will visually confirm for you what your gut is already telling you. 

If a romantic partner looks bad on the Gut Check exercise, it doesn't always mean that you need to end the relationship. The final determining factor is whether you can reveal your concerns to him and whether he will work to change some of these "Cons" to "Pros". A lot of people will never change who they are. While others will cooperate if it means saving the relationship. You'll have to weigh how you feel about him and whether he even has the capacity to change. 
I hope this all helps. And best of luck with this.


updated by @hop-daddy: 02/10/20 07:45:34AM
Kate T
Kate T
@kate
6 months ago
169 posts

Thank you all for the answers. The feelings as I have identified them do not come from me but in relation to my partner's attitude towards himself and us. The phrase used here would be "dishonesty" with feelings. Indeed, he hides or tries to hide very well that which he does not want me to see or thinks needs work, but telling yourself (or telling himself) something can work when in essence it bothers you (him)... is not good. I feel better now that I know their origin... but now what? Well.

There is a tendency to confuse or call one's needs and personality traits "jokes", and both of us feel as if there's not enough space given to mutual expression. There is a very strong tendency to disregard feelings, to not allow feelings flow, which gets in-between me and what I can feel from him or how I can act. For instance, he has not cried for 10 years. I have made him very aware of what one can accumulate when having such a view on it. He has created me many problems, though he has been with me equally and I do not even dislike him. Other people have thought me giving my time is not worth it in this case and the person should learn they don't deserve it. However, despite my wishes for friendship and happiness certain traits of him get on my nerves which I believe are linked, very simply, to his age, 21, and still being an undergraduate. A sort of stubbornness manifested towards internalizing lessons and letting emotions flow which cannot continue unless he becomes honest with himself, though, of course, i am wondering whether I could be dishonest with myself as well and creating problems needlessly. I take partnerships very seriously and I do not like parting with someone, I like to be and feel involved. It feels unfair to put it down to age only too. Again, some of these issues come from his upbringing and peculiar happenings. A family that has lost its wealth and unity because of political upheaval which I already knew it was very hard to deal with on a personal level. 

The only positive step I have seen recently springing from my advice is him being willing to consult a psychologist on himself, his feelings, and our relationship if needed, though I believe there are other things that would need to be solved as far as he's concerned. To me, seeing and talking with psychologists or people ready to make you understand yourself better sounds like a treat, and is something I always actually enjoyed and liked (with the condition that large amounts of money weren't involved). I've been to quite a lot of personal development courses, even two phd group researches, when I was young, and I only have positive experiences. He believes it is a problem if you need them.... people willing to take a dip into the depths of one's psyche and understand what makes or breaks are amazing to me and I have been working on my perceptiveness as well. All I can wish is he actually does it and I get a drop-in session :)). But there has been pain...


updated by @kate: 02/17/20 11:29:03AM
Karen2
Karen2
@womanwhowalks
5 months ago
1,077 posts
You can't make him do things he's not able to do. He must decide for himself when he's ready to heal and how he does it. But it must be because HE wants to, not because YOU want him to and he doesn't think anything is wrong with him. You gave him the suggestions and thats all you can do. So my question to you is...what's in all this for you?...why must he do what you want him to do. And what would you do if he did all that you think he should do?...I don't see this as being about him at all...but about you.
Karen2
Karen2
@womanwhowalks
5 months ago
1,077 posts
@kate...you should clear all his energy roots to you.. a complete removal... I have to clear yours from me because your friends energy is not right. He is a narcessist...and his energy connections to you are VERY strong and all ego...
Kate T
Kate T
@kate
5 months ago
169 posts

A confession has been made and apparently he decided to get checked for depression, which was confirmed, and he was scheduled for subsequent appointments. Moreover, he was advised to start taking antidepressants. This was done on his own and without my suggestion, mine stopping at a psychologist.

I have realised from analyzing the situation he has had this problem from before we met, and the relationship only alleviated the problem for a while. 

Now I realize this must be the source i was drawing those negative thoughts from. 

He may try to get to my emotions or draw energy from them without offering much or anything in return I am afraid.

@Karen2: that is a very sharp view on the situation. I can understand its uses but I feel like I can't effectively implement something like that because of the way i view life and interactions. I see the partnership as a mutual agreement to a higher degree of permeability, with goods and bads. Ah, I don't want to step into a deep ditch in the process though and be unable to walk again. Your first post reminded me of his own thoughts. Your second one... hm, interesting. The possibility or choice of believing in the predominance of ego-driven actions saddens me. I was the one that sort of initiated this relationship.


updated by @kate: 03/04/20 02:14:46AM
Kate T
Kate T
@kate
4 months ago
169 posts

I wouldn't have thought how much pain it can cause, but it has ended. I may give this a more "artistic" tone than it actually has; reason being as I don't want to describe everything too accurately for the sake of a comfortable "anonimity"... hopefully not deflection of truth.

My stand alone feelings were not of hate or dislike towards my partner... the very opposite. I grew very attached, as I do to most or many things. Yet the barrier erected to block emotions and the more or less unintentional attacks on spiritual values (as I grew up with in my own society!!) were perceived as a threat by my very being.

I still couldn't tell goodbye properly (not that anything went on "properly"), and nor would I want this person to walk out of my life entirely, though I am wary there could be consequences as he is undoubtedly dealing with a mental illness, as his brother and mother have been, where the blame falls on the father that is not there anymore; all of which now annoy me to no ends as excuses when the real reasons were slightly different. Our wishes for the future and views on family dynamics were different. They can be summed up with him being too young to fully understand such things. Perhaps I should actually block this person out entirely... I wanted to remain friends and maintain a connection; a positive one, and I desired that a lot, yet even for that he is not ready, yet or... at all. Hopefully not the last option. Funny I managed to push him in the direction of therapy, though not the pill dosage. The criteria they use to recommend them here remains to me quite subjective. Despite the progress made in understanding "mental afflictions", the spirit risks getting ignored more and more, and emptiness forms. There is nothing sadder and more regrettable than the loss of a spiritual life as I think about this.

Regardless, letting a family member's "pursuit of happiness" and "school obligations" constantly get in the way of a relationship in which you declare your love and faith for the other one is... very undesirable. I was feeling unloved at times, and absorbing the negative or dark thoughts forming within or around this person, thoughts he was trying to push away, as with his own feelings; I felt and still am disappointed the parting happened, at myself for not being able to do more and not being allowed to do so; there is little comfort in thinking that some personal battles must be fought alone by people. Autonomy can't be given unless trust is built first... 

We both, him and me, learned what denial does to oneself and those around that care... it must be that I was doing it as well, on a different level/area of life, which isn't any better. However, the "negative thoughts" manifestation was a most unexpected side effect generated by... fear of exposure or dipping into one's own subconsciousness. This is what happens when pain, created especially by family issues, is not dealt with. It could be that as a long-term thing it was doomed from the start, though I wouldn't say so, as my hopes run high and I tend to give chances. There was someone else in his life he cared about but denied it to himself like with other emotions and feelings; that someone, which I have met, in even deeper mental trouble than he was, as he seems to be attracted to these cases. Patterns of: divorce, a form of mental illness and crude sexuality (rationalised or not of a healthy passion) seem to attract this person as they remain themes undealt with.

It is horrible to not be told while strongly feeling it, despite openly discussing it, and multiple times. Hiding one's own "undesirable" side; interesting how people think it works, or that it is not obvious. I just so happened to think that I love this person nevertheless... the way I can or could. There are, perhaps, better people, I won't deny. Little other explanation exists for the "negative thoughts" other than strong instinct and specific mistrust/picking up the inner energies. This still feels like a tragedy to me. To me because perhaps I can't say the same about him; a lot of ego in the way on that side as well.

I may be better or not... From some points of view I am, say I started drawing again, but the deep desire for love and affection seems to have fallen on deaf ears yet still exists within me. I want to say thank you all for your answers though. I keep wondering what sort of energy some of you felt and if it could be described in more detail, as it is all interesting for me to read. If that is the case, please do describe. 

The Teal Swan videos were interesting. Surprisingly accurate. 


updated by @kate: 03/27/20 12:33:27AM
Kate T
Kate T
@kate
3 months ago
169 posts

Karen2: @kate...you should clear all his energy roots to you.. a complete removal... I have to clear yours from me because your friends energy is not right. He is a narcessist...and his energy connections to you are VERY strong and all ego...

Matthew Elsey:

criticise and belittle...

Trade mark of a malignant Narcissist hence the red flag.

Trust yours intuition 100%

When you leave, leave quietly and don't tell him your leaving just go. I feel. he will get nasty. If you can arrange it so he doesn't know where you are going even better. I do not want to scare you but I feel he is going to turn on you. 

I am not offering advice but supporting your own intuitions decision. Be strong. It will hurt. May I suggest the work of Teal Swan.

Good luck hugs Matthew 

@Matthew, although the indications weren't strong in this sense, in him turning against me, at least not from my point of view, you were right!!! I cannot believe this. He turned extremely rancorous despite me stating that, unlike him, I am still there if he ever wants to chat about himself, and even got into another relationship 2 weeks after we broke up! With a girl that previously tried to cheat with him, while she was still in a relationship and while he was in a relationship with me... yet she isn't emotionally manipulative, nono, just "vulnerable" and sad!

I was sad, furious and asking questions to myself, naturally. Yet after finding out today who he went on with to try and forget so soon... it's like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I was right. My intuition was right. I can't believe it. He's been trying to make me feel bad but I just can't let it happen. In fact, he did, until today. Now this person managed to prove that they are still a child, trying to blame me for everything that went wrong and for his own decisions :). Life decisions of his that truly had nothing to do with me, from school to his own family. Anyways. 

I can now truly say I am finally relieved, even after finding out he lied and breached all rules of trust between us. When some people want to cheat, they cheat and they never want to admit it. It's just what it is apparently. After accusing me I am the reason he failed school, despite me having seen his watch history and how many hours he spends on watching series everyday and playing games alone, ranging from 2 to 8 hours, but lying about doing work...

I cannot say that one person only is responsible for a relationship not working and I am disappointed with myself too. But I know I have not done wrong from a relationship point of view: I did not lie, I did not cheat, i did not use physical violence, theft, petty gestures or vulgarity. On the contrary. I decided to remain in the city I am now partially because my boyfriend was here, and have been looking for opportunities in the area too to be closer to him; I would shift my work schedule to try to fit his, because his was too rigid. It truly didn't matter to him though. And many more gestures through my own self/body that were not reciprocated. Today after finding that out, I actually feel better. It's an invaluable lesson about trusting my intuition, and I was, it seems, too blindly hopeful and followed it, until it unfolded in such a way from his side, feelings twisted and of rancor. Perhaps I could have been a better psychologist and less clingy. He still wants to believe I emotionally manipulated him, that he was just a puppet on strings and he will try to convince others of that, who knows, that I was but a Nemesis, despite how close we were, and despite never being forced to do anything in reality. To walk over such things so easily, out of fury... it's incredible to me. Yet I am not the one to succumb to it in the end. He could even be lying about having a relationship, who knows. 


updated by @kate: 05/03/20 04:28:06PM
Hop Daddy
Hop Daddy
@hop-daddy
3 months ago
1,099 posts

@kate

I edited this after going back and reading more of this lengthy post I realized that I was straying off topic a bit. 

It sounds like despite being hurt that you are better off without him. And that while things were good for a while, he showed you in the end that he wasn't the right person to be with you. I'm hoping for you that you'll meet someone else soon who will be good to you and make you realize that this other guy was never going to make you happy the way you deserve.


updated by @hop-daddy: 05/11/20 05:35:49PM
Kate T
Kate T
@kate
3 months ago
169 posts

@hop-daddy

edit- I decided to just write the essential:

I never had to experience ripping someone off suddenly from my thinking pattern and thoughts because of a violent breakup, by death or otherwise. No type of personal sacrifice from me was able to fix anything in this relationship, as lies and emotional cheating started happening before he finally accepted he couldn't prioritise a serious, long-term relationship, only to end it in the most disgraceful manner possible, which pointed not a rational decision or man, but to that of someone suffering from a mental illness, through them blaming all their life, whether it was related or not, on me, as if I was supposed to be their mother or nurse, and despite all the proof in writing about them doing wrong with their own hand to themselves. For example, they (I mean he) blamed me for him being overweight and not being able to lose weight until the breakup, despite the fact that he's been like that for at least 2 years prior to me meeting him; and despite the fact that I tried countless times to invite them for walks, sports and activities but they never "had time" or "liked them" (and the list is very long), and to explain them about food habits. I even got blamed for him failing school despite the fact he was spending more time aggregated per week watching series and playing games than being with me physically; but this is very telling of which came first, something that should have been established from the beginning, but guess who insisted on pretending the relationship came before 3 other "hobbies" and not after and promised to work on it? I even offered to help them clean their room or help them cook, because both of those aspects were an utter mess as well, especially the clutter/dirty room aspect. Guess who refused?

I did not reach my saturation point, as I wanted to continue to be friends or help in case of need, but he walked over that promise as well. Considering my situation, alone in a foreign country carving a road for myself and having had him as the closest person, it was not just a gesture of hate, to turn against the person who loved them to try ease their own psychologically precarious situation, but nothing less than an abandonment of humane morals. I've only read about these situations, never seen them done in person, or at least so I think. 

It is equally likely that I was also dealing with a specific type of misogyny. I will definitely give a read to the link you provided. Truth is I should not be thinking about this too much anymore; it simply doesn't deserve the thoughts ^^. I even got into better habits since it ended. 


updated by @kate: 05/11/20 08:09:32AM

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