New coworker triggering me

sandy
@sandy
7 months ago
9 posts

Hi, I was moved to a new department at work at the beginning of this week . In spite of staying professional and interacting with my new coworkers only for work purpose , they seemed really drawn to me and wanted to know more about me . I grounded and shielded before going to work . I set boundaries , still it didn’t work much . They were being nosy , asking me about my personal life and one female coworker particularly triggered me . I was on the verge of tears yesterday . I don’t know how I am going to cope on Monday . I am actively looking for another job . I am an introvert and don’t like to talk about my personal life as I have issues . Any advice please ? Thanks .


updated by @sandy: 06/14/20 09:29:02AM
Cat Whisperer
Cat Whisperer
@cat-whisperer
7 months ago
788 posts
Politely share the last sentence...let them know that your personal life should stay that way
Matthew Elsey
Matthew Elsey
@matthew
7 months ago
33 posts

Hi Sandy I'm not sure if what you are describing is a form of bullying but it feels like that to me. Suffices to say I am no stranger to bullying. I think being sensitive opens us up to it.

Remember being an Empath means that 99.99% of what you are feeling in close proximity to people is THEIR feelings. If you feel fear it is their fear not yours.

I have had great success with Elise's visualisation technique of a dial and knob I picture it and label it "Other people's feelings within a 10 meter radius" then with my eyes closed I turn it down slowly to one.

I have also adapted the label to my name Matthew in an attempt to see how I am really feeling but turn it up to 8 or 9 this is a work in progress.

Finally the biggest impact on the would be bullies in my life, was through the practice of Tai Chi. It took a long time, maybe five years, but it changed my life. I have been practicing for over fifteen years now. Seek it out, it is very subtle but if it suits you, for it is not for everyone, you will become stronger than you ever imagined and people like this Woman will be insignificant to you.

Good luck for Monday and the job seeking hugs Matthew

sandy
@sandy
7 months ago
9 posts

Hi Matthew , this is indeed a form of bullying . I am writing a letter and asking HR for a transfer from there tomorrow . I don’t know how long the procedures will take though or if they will accept . Thanks for your advice .

Hop Daddy
Hop Daddy
@hop-daddy
7 months ago
1,099 posts

@sandy :

Nosy people have intent. When they talk you into revealing your personal life to them they are basically digging and attaching cords/connecting to you on an emotional level. Once that happens you're probably not going to feel well as an empath as you'll feel anxious and a bit sick. Just know that going forward. I usually am very brief and guarded with people like that and tactfully deflect the questioning back to them. If needed I'll do it in a complementary way that forces them to react and answer.

Transferring out of a tough office is an option. But you can't transfer every time as it gives you a bad reputation. As an empath, I think we are all continuing to grow. And eventually you really can raise yourself to a level where you are stronger than those people and they can't waltz in and effect you anymore. I'm hoping that I can get @tigerlily to share how she dealt with a whole office of difficult people. She should have some additional tips to share.

Cheshire Cat
Cheshire Cat
@cheshire-cat
7 months ago
1,457 posts

Hi @sandy,

    @hop-daddy is right to tell you to deflect the questioning back on them, and in a way that forces them to answer. Try asking "Why do you want to know that?" If they have any manners at all, it will shut them up.

     If that doesn't work, you can also ask them the same question they asked you and make light of it. Example: If a nosey person asks if you cook your own dinners and what kind of food do you eat....say something like, "Oh, my food is boring, but what do YOU  like to cook and how often do you cook dinner for yourself? If they tell you, look bored, then say, "Oh", and walk off. The bottom line is to refuse to play their game. 

TigerLily
TigerLily
@tigerlily
7 months ago
504 posts
@sandy

I'm still awful at this and divulge a bit more than needed LOL. BUT, and there is a but. Always deflect back to them. Say it was good or you didnt do much and ask how theirs was. Let them do the talking. After a while they will forget about yours. If they want to say "oh she's boring and doesnt do anything" and it gets back to me? I just use my age or say why is it of anyone's business. *firmly*
Remember this. Whatever boundary you set for others, you have to set for yourself. I'm still trying to master this. But, here is the but, give them the chance to talk. Most of the time they don't care for you unless a chatty kathy looking for gossip.
sandy
@sandy
7 months ago
9 posts

@tigerlily , @Cheshire-cat and @hop-daddy thanks so much for your advices :) 

Since yesterday , whenever that female coworker asked me questions I didn’t want to answer or give too much energy to  , I simply nodded or said yes/no . At times , I just didn’t even respond .

Today , she was acting really bossy and picking on me way too much. I had no choice but to stand up for myself . I simple told her in a polite way “ you like being bossy towards me huh ?” She then asked me if I was angry . I didn’t respond and then she said sorry . I simply told her that just like she was talking , I also had the right to voice out my opinion . 

I have to learn to set boundaries with people . 

Matthew Elsey
Matthew Elsey
@matthew
7 months ago
33 posts

Excellent well done Sandy I believe you employed the "Grey rock"technique and deflection technique  perfectly. One of the principals of Tai Chi is to use your opponents energy and deflect it. Allow their own weight to defeat them.

Am I allowed to say I'm proud of you?☺

Some excellent immediate  practical advice from the others also.

An Empath has incredible potential power I feel you are beginning to tap into it. You go girl hugs Matthew 

TigerLily
TigerLily
@tigerlily
7 months ago
504 posts
@sandy

She is a toxic person and avoid as much contact with her. You called her out on her crap and she turned it on you. That right away is poor excuse of a human being and there are ALOT out like that best to avoid. And at work, keep your headphones in and just work. Eventually they move on to other people to taunt.
sandy
@sandy
7 months ago
9 posts

@matthew-elsey and @Tigerlily , thanks so much :) 

She is indeed a toxic person . I avoid interaction with her except when necessary for work . When I called her out on her crap , she smartly turned it on me . When she got no reaction , she had to say sorry .lol .

Today , also she picked on me a little on work issues . But I responded when needed to defend myself . I feel like I have to work on eggshells around her . I have to remind myself that I need to stand up for myself and have more self love :) 

Karen2
Karen2
@womanwhowalks
6 months ago
1,077 posts
Hi. Everyone has given you such good advice. Another way to see this is its an opportunity to learn how to deal with such people in order to get a better handle on your fears and become better acquainted with yourself as a strong person and that you CAN come out alive no matter what the situation. This person is there to teach you that. And it's working...lol
gothceltgirl
@gothceltgirl
one month ago
8 posts

One of my neighbors in my previous building, she was the mother of my neighbor, moved in shortly after I did, but she was a little investigator. Peppered me with questions whenever she saw me, it's quite astonishing. I hate people doing that to me. I'm an extrovert & generally don't mind sharing info, to a point, but this was just a barrage. I experienced something similar in supportive housing after being homeless too. The neighbors would hang around outside the building, I kept to myself, so when they did see me, it was like "where are you going?" What are you doing? Like they thought I must have something very interesting going on. Reading this here, it must be pretty common for us sensitive empathic types to draw this type of attention. It's so strange. I never know what to do/say when this happens either. it's like being interrogated, hard not to answer. Sorry I don't have advice, simply more commiseration.

Hop Daddy
Hop Daddy
@hop-daddy
one month ago
1,099 posts

@gothceltgirl :

What you described is very common for empaths. It's impossible for you to just do your own thing and mind your own business. Others can't explain why they are drawn to empaths, they just are. I have the same thing happen when I walk into a store filled with strangers. People stare a little too long as if drawn to me, some approach. I seem to attract people in pain in need of healing, and also a curiosity from people who are used to harming and controlling people. The latter usually being a person used to controlling and manipulating people who become strangely curious about my presence and want to poke me to see what happens. It's as if they are sizing me up. I'm convinced all of this is very subconscious. I also have had run-ins with some aggressive strangers who clearly wanted to start a fight with me and taunted me. And when I lost my temper and pushed back and stared them down they ran away like cowards. There is something about the soul connection that occured from eye to eye contact that caused them to leave in a hurry even when I was outnumbered. I do not understand what that was about. But it has happened many times. So I think when we empaths connect with people, we inspire a lot of different reactions.

P.S.- When you said hard not to answer when being interrogated, that's your empath honesty. As an empath you're very open and honest. Disception and lies is not in your tool box so you probably reveal too much. It is who you are.

gothceltgirl
@gothceltgirl
one month ago
8 posts

Yep, that's what I figured. Lying was never something that I did easily, always made me very uncomfortable. Thank you Hop Daddy

I did have a strange experience with another empath. He identified himself as one when we got together. I had known him kind of for years from a club I used to go to, had a crush on him, but thought he may be gay, turns out, he wasn't. But then I had one of those very sobering things that happens where, I had vulvodynia for a while, which causes severe pain during sex, I kept thinking that it would pass, but when we got together, I told him I was fine. He knew I wasn't and said I was lying and left. My door had to be latched, so it was open, and my roomates boyfriend, who was kind of a jerk to me, got on my case about it later. I didn't know. But that really bothered me. It wasn't a lie of manipulation. Most people, ones who aren't on some antisocial spectrum, when they do lie, it's usually to spare someone's feelings, protect someone, or to keep from getting into trouble. My parenthesis keys and all of the stupid shift keys w/numbers aren't really working at the moment, or this would probably have been typed a bit differently.

That experience made me wonder, especially in hindsight, if empaths can even be together at all. I didn't even really realize that I was at that point, just knew I had a lot of empathy for others, which my mom used to say I was "trusting" and "gullible" and a lot of other words, that are not quiet insults, but put together with her attitude made me feel like I couldn't ever live up to whatever she thought I should be. I'm so glad I don't think that way and chose not to internalize those things.

It was so hard as a child. My abusive mother wanted me to be hard and sophisticated and understand stuff I couldn't possibly understand. She tried to make me internalize the idea that I was too naive to live in the world. I've made a lot of impulsive decisions and had a lot of problems, but b/c she lacked in the empathy department, percieved a lot of my shortcomings as an unwillingness to do what was needed. Which is a shame. She pretty much shunned my whole family for various reasons. She had paranoid delusions as well, so when I refused to follow her strange instructions to fight the foe of the week, she would try and bully and intimidate me, but I finally maanged to stop letting her do that, took a long time, but I did. Most people have no idea what it's like, most people don't even try. This ended up being far more lengthy than I'd intended. I just have a lot to say.


updated by @gothceltgirl: 07/01/20 08:08:31AM
Hop Daddy
Hop Daddy
@hop-daddy
one month ago
1,099 posts

@gothceltgirl :

Empaths can live together but it is tricky. Since empaths are typically moody dealing with the energies they encounter, two empaths can bring each other down. It can work, you just have to be patient and be good at blocking incoming energy. Otherwise if you're both wallowing in anger or depression it's hard to have a healthy and fun relationship. 

And I wanted to add that you'll find that just about every empath has had a difficult parental up bringing. Or perhaps a sibling or close family member that was a narcissist or sociopath. We don't quite understand it, but for some reason we are usually born into difficult family situations. 

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