Confusing negative thoughts towards loved one

Kate T
Kate T
@kate
3 weeks ago
161 posts

 Hi all,

I have a very unlikely issue I cannot seem to be able to solve on a mental level.

This is a long post but I don't know how to shorten it, so I am sorry for that, I highlighted the questions.

Though I am in a relationship with someone who believes in me and long-term, have met each others' families willingly, travelled, have some common views and hobbies etc. I am unable to shake the feeling that I should cease the relationship.

I have tried expressing this multiple times over the past 7 months (total 1 year) and get to its core, understand why. I both want and don't, as it would leave me depressed for god knows what amount of time, and I like and enjoy attention or closeness.

But I have a strong need for reciprocity. The person I love exists in my thoughts and whenever I have or think about something or take a decision I mentally consult the person. I "listen" to the kind of energy note I get back from him. I interpret it. Sometimes I still act like myself but it's an automated mental mechanism to send energy to the other and listen for the "echo".

This is where I am left puzzled as this person makes it very hard for me to connect on a soul level. One could say he is happy not doing it. I am not. I am able to predict what can happen based on knowing him better than he can. Though the argument here is "don't infer things as you may be wrong", an advice I understand, and took as it is fair (i don't like things "inferred" either), there are times when i have a strong feeling of "I can feel what will happen and I will act against it" if it looks like an obstacle. This feelings are different from inferring as a vice. They are... a bit more profound.

I have had this since I was young, which is when I started reading about these to understand how it is possible, maybe at 12-13. He is the very rational "scientific" kind that has explicitly told me he even finds psychology as a discipline "totally bullshit". I grew up in a society where spiritual values were more valued than in his, and I ended up internalising or crystallising lessons and beliefs pertaining to people sometimes manifesting psychic abilities, ability to tell what will happen, or feeling what the other feels clearly, even with plants and animals, as it has happened in my family going back to 3 generations especially on my mother's line (something they never told me until I was 19 and enquired about it myself). No one spoon fed me these or forced me to accept them.

Slowly I tried explaining that I believe in these to my boyfriend, despite both being "schooled" individuals where standard science has a stronger say blah blah. I have been able to tell on a few occasions what he was thinking, something he doesn't really do, though I try to not be strong about these, rather soft, I might even tell them jokingly to avoid being called mad. This might be the reason I haven't been taken seriously thought at other times I was. 

I have been telling him about my spiritual problems (or cravings?!) but I feel like to no avail as not much changes. I felt like i've never been able to fully express myself around him and on a few occasions he's treated my feelings as irrational and shallow, despite the fact that I put great effort in opening up honestly in the first place, or that the words I use are too abstract or pseudo-scientific. 

I don't know if anything will change in the foreseeable future in regards to this as i've been fighting him a lot to make my point go across.  

I am aware not everybody can understand these. Though I told him some of my closest happenings with family and animals (knowing when father will come home or call despite the hours not being the same, feeling like my mother was worried and calling my name, describing how it feels, like a mental image or sound in my head)... he does not get how close these encounters are to my heart or how crucial it is for me to keep perceiving the world on this level. I don't want to close up and I fight and resent that lifestyle of "cannot see cannot hear".

I have made choices to preserve "myself", such as leaving for a semi-rural place instead of a capital (work and Master's), but the same instinct now is creating funny things in my head. Negative scenarios regarding him, my thoughts just roll into an abyss of "ways how to break up" and I do not understand what generates them. I am afraid to follow such thoughts or instinct, instead i'm more willing to correct them. I don't know if i'm acting ok though trying to change the other through "fighting". I am told it's not yet it feels like it's the... alternative. 

Why those/these constant negative thoughts towards him? What if I follow them and they reoccur with other partners? 

I want to say that despite what he claims he isn't entirely separated from the "spiritual" world or concepts, but he can be extremely blind to it in a childish, stubborn way rather than malicious. Yet he is not encouraged towards it in any way, only to criticise and belittle such concepts as inferior. I come from a more balanced society in that regard, of spiritual values that don't have to be 100% "institutionalised religion", and instead combine with old customs and folklore (I just chose to believe and read more due to my personal experiences, I never pushed these onto others).

I am perplexed by how upsetting I find him to be because of the spiritual side he does not see in me or others, though I tried to teach him what and why when we visited my country, as I did with his family. His emotional intelligence isn't the best either. 

What could I possibly do to help myself feel less misunderstood, have less negative thoughts (dark? :( ) towards him? I'll just end up attacking him relentlessly until he changes, if he does, and he will never understand why, seemingly, everything in the psychological/emotional sphere is quite "abstract" to him, and anything pertaining to non-abrahamic religions is pseudo-science...............


updated by @kate: 02/10/20 07:49:02AM
Karen2
Karen2
@womanwhowalks
3 weeks ago
1,054 posts
Hi...you...are...unhappy. That is why you are having what you call negative thoughts. It's not rocket science. This person is not able to to fill what ever you want him to fill. You are not truly connected in the way you want to be at the level that's important to you. You haven't 'clicked'. You want to end the relationship. So end it and move on. He will NOT change to fit you
You can not expect people to do that. And hanging on hoping he will would definitely be unfair to you and to him. He is the way he is. A nice guy. Just not the one for you. So. Just get it over with and you'll be fine.
Karen2
Karen2
@womanwhowalks
3 weeks ago
1,054 posts
Karen2:
Hi...you...are...unhappy. That is why you are having what you call negative thoughts. It's not rocket science. This person is not able to to fill what ever you want him to fill. You are not truly connected in the way you want to be at the level that's important to you. You haven't 'clicked'. You want to end the relationship. So end it and move on. He will NOT change to fit you
You can not expect people to do that. And hanging on hoping he will would definitely be unfair to you and to him. He is the way he is. A nice guy. Just not the one for you. So. Just get it over with and you'll be fine.
And when you do break up with him, remember to clear all energy ties to him. All his energy roots. Maybe before you break it off, check your energy for roots that might be causing your current problems to make sure this is all you, and not someone else influencing you.
Kate T
Kate T
@kate
3 weeks ago
161 posts

Karen2: Hi...you...are...unhappy. That is why you are having what you call negative thoughts. It's not rocket science. This person is not able to to fill what ever you want him to fill. You are not truly connected in the way you want to be at the level that's important to you. You haven't 'clicked'. You want to end the relationship. So end it and move on. He will NOT change to fit you You can not expect people to do that. And hanging on hoping he will would definitely be unfair to you and to him. He is the way he is. A nice guy. Just not the one for you. So. Just get it over with and you'll be fine.

Problem is he is clinging more than I am. It would make him very sad and depressed, don't know for how long, and I don't feel like my feeling to break up is powerful enough to do such a thing at the moment, I prefer giving chances until all of them are used and tried. I don't take a relationship lightly, through for some reason he feels as if I am perfect for him... something he's always said, yet I don't feel like it, so I voiced my problems, which for some reason he does not understand, for he sees everything as being ok. The powerful reason I don't feel like it is of a slightly spiritual nature. It's hard for me to understand how this can happen or why it happens, what bizarre rules of nature are at play. I know separating would make us or him unhappy, depressed... and I don't have many other friends or people to rely on, being the one in the foreign country. 

What I am wary of is the danger of my own instinct if it happens to be wrong, though in the past it has proven not to be. It's like taking a leap into the unknown, it's not like I've met anyone else I fancy more than him or as if I could replace this relationship with another.

I have not focused on my social life lately at all and I have yet to find whether this is the source of the problems or generated by my relationship. He does not seem very keen on helping me. 


updated by @kate: 01/29/20 11:20:42AM
Karen2
Karen2
@womanwhowalks
3 weeks ago
1,054 posts
There comes a time when letting go must happen. Reading your post is rubbing ME the wrong way. Almost like you're telling a lie. Being afraid to let go of someone is always there. But if you are holding on because there's no one else or because you are afraid of hurting him then it's not much of a relationship at this point. You have the right to look after yourself emotionally, physically, spiritually. Breaking up is ALWAYS hurtful to both involved. You are stronger though. If you dont enjoy being around him why would you put yourself through that? You don't click. I don't take being in a relationship lightly either, but if the guy isn't into me nor me him...I wouldn't continue on with the relationship. Maybe as a friend, but I wouldn't invest more if it's not returned. If he's not investing anything now, he sure won't later.
Karen2
Karen2
@womanwhowalks
3 weeks ago
1,054 posts
Karen2:
There comes a time when letting go must happen. Reading your post is rubbing ME the wrong way. Almost like you're telling a lie. Being afraid to let go of someone is always there. But if you are holding on because there's no one else or because you are afraid of hurting him then it's not much of a relationship at this point. You have the right to look after yourself emotionally, physically, spiritually. Breaking up is ALWAYS hurtful to both involved. You are stronger though. If you dont enjoy being around him why would you put yourself through that? You don't click. I don't take being in a relationship lightly either, but if the guy isn't into me nor me him...I wouldn't continue on with the relationship. Maybe as a friend, but I wouldn't invest more if it's not returned. If he's not investing anything now, he sure won't later.
Actually he's probably lying to you. There's something you said that raised red flag. He says he thinks you are perfect for him, yet you don't feel it to be true. That's the lie. You know it's there. And it's not sitting well with you. He's lying. He will say he's not. But you know the lie is there. Someone lying to me is a big no no. Instant death. Be his friend if you want, but anything more will just irritate the heck out of you.
Matthew Elsey
Matthew Elsey
@matthew-elsey
3 weeks ago
17 posts

criticise and belittle...

Trade mark of a malignant Narcissist hence the red flag.

Trust yours intuition 100%

When you leave, leave quietly and don't tell him your leaving just go. I feel. he will get nasty. If you can arrange it so he doesn't know where you are going even better. I do not want to scare you but I feel he is going to turn on you. 

I am not offering advice but supporting your own intuitions decision. Be strong. It will hurt. May I suggest the work of Teal Swan.

Good luck hugs Matthew 

Mez
Mez
@mez
3 weeks ago
10 posts
Hi kate, hooe ur feeling better; i skimmed through some of ehat you have shared; i xan understand yiur stress; but it seems that you just need tye tine and space to be alone with yourself and see how you feel. Do what you love and what brings you inner peace and happiness and maybe you'l feel better.

Whatever tou do; dont use as an opportubity to give yourself another chance only to give him another chance. If he cant be there for you in the ways you need him to be it wont do you any favours long term. Though it will be difficult gtting over something that brought happiness and conentment to you.

(Thats if things haven't resolved already).

Im just personally tired of being with someonw who expects all the changes in myself yet is unwilling to chnage his own mentality. He gwts narcier by the day, useless and exoects tge world to chase after his problems while he can live a "comfortable life" and the people we are around are mostly favour for a favour type.

I want to be happy; i want to move on and i need someone who reciprocates that also; most if my life i have spent inside my own head hating myself, i want to learn to accept myself whhich i partially do; loving is a long way away yet.
Hop Daddy
Hop Daddy
@hop-daddy
3 weeks ago
1,074 posts

I think everyone has given you some good advice. I would only add that I think that you're not going to find a lot of partners who are 100% okay and accepting of your abilities. This topic comes up a lot with empaths. You said you know him better than he knows himself. And that's because you see him clearly on a soul and energy level. Whereas he like a lot of people only see their view of their own positives, and he conveniently closes off recognition of any part of himself that he could be working on. Empaths are typically old souls that are more advanced and see life through very different eyes than your average person. That makes finding a good match in a romantic relationship challenging.

I would say the #1 truth that I have learned in recent years is to go with your gut feeling on big decisions like this. Your gut is your intuition. And if you're not 100% trusting in your intuition on this, then try this simple exercise. Take a note pad out and write down one column title "Pros" and another column as "Cons". And then fill in what you like about him, what you dislike about him. Make sure you also note how he makes you feel in different cricumstances (like financial, romance, soul connection, protection etc.). List all of that down as a pro or con. Once your list is complete it doesn't necessarily matter that the Pros column is longer than the Cons column. And the reason is that there may be some very powerful single reasons under either column. But this exercise helps you put everything on paper and see right before your eyes whether this guy is overall good or bad for you. I call this the "Gut Check" exercise because it will visually confirm for you what your gut is already telling you. 

If a romantic partner looks bad on the Gut Check exercise, it doesn't always mean that you need to end the relationship. The final determining factor is whether you can reveal your concerns to him and whether he will work to change some of these "Cons" to "Pros". A lot of people will never change who they are. While others will cooperate if it means saving the relationship. You'll have to weigh how you feel about him and whether he even has the capacity to change. 
I hope this all helps. And best of luck with this.


updated by @hop-daddy: 02/10/20 07:45:34AM
Kate T
Kate T
@kate
3 days ago
161 posts

Thank you all for the answers. The feelings as I have identified them do not come from me but in relation to my partner's attitude towards himself and us. The phrase used here would be "dishonesty" with feelings. Indeed, he hides or tries to hide very well that which he does not want me to see or thinks needs work, but telling yourself (or telling himself) something can work when in essence it bothers you (him)... is not good. I feel better now that I know their origin... but now what? Well.

There is a tendency to confuse or call one's needs and personality traits "jokes", and both of us feel as if there's not enough space given to mutual expression. There is a very strong tendency to disregard feelings, to not allow feelings flow, which gets in-between me and what I can feel from him or how I can act. For instance, he has not cried for 10 years. I have made him very aware of what one can accumulate when having such a view on it. He has created me many problems, though he has been with me equally and I do not even dislike him. Other people have thought me giving my time is not worth it in this case and the person should learn they don't deserve it. However, despite my wishes for friendship and happiness certain traits of him get on my nerves which I believe are linked, very simply, to his age, 21, and still being an undergraduate. A sort of stubbornness manifested towards internalizing lessons and letting emotions flow which cannot continue unless he becomes honest with himself, though, of course, i am wondering whether I could be dishonest with myself as well and creating problems needlessly. I take partnerships very seriously and I do not like parting with someone, I like to be and feel involved. It feels unfair to put it down to age only too. Again, some of these issues come from his upbringing and peculiar happenings. A family that has lost its wealth and unity because of political upheaval which I already knew it was very hard to deal with on a personal level. 

The only positive step I have seen recently springing from my advice is him being willing to consult a psychologist on himself, his feelings, and our relationship if needed, though I believe there are other things that would need to be solved as far as he's concerned. To me, seeing and talking with psychologists or people ready to make you understand yourself better sounds like a treat, and is something I always actually enjoyed and liked (with the condition that large amounts of money weren't involved). I've been to quite a lot of personal development courses, even two phd group researches, when I was young, and I only have positive experiences. He believes it is a problem if you need them.... people willing to take a dip into the depths of one's psyche and understand what makes or breaks are amazing to me and I have been working on my perceptiveness as well. All I can wish is he actually does it and I get a drop-in session :)). But there has been pain...


updated by @kate: 02/17/20 11:29:03AM

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