I tried do this post earlier and lost everything I wrote. So here's a summary of what started as a long vent.
I just don't get it. There was a point in my life where I was overly kind to everyone in it. I tried my best to just move on whenever someone did or said something that hurt me. Mainly because I was never allowed to say anything. Whenever I did stand up for myself I was treated like a horrible person. But when others would treat me badly nothing was said or done. The position that I must have done something was always taken. I never understood it. When others accused me of being unkind I try to be more kind. When accused of not listening, I spoke less and listened more. It got to the point where I did not speak at all and I never asked for anything for myself. I took on blame that I knew was not mine. I became invisible to make others happy. Then after I did all of that I git accused of being standoffish.
I am going through a rough time at my new place, after moving from an old place where the environment was toxic. So I tried to call a friend because I just needed some comfort. My friend told me that I am going through these things because I am not praying enough and I probably need to go see a doctor. Now that is not exactly how it was said, being fair. Those were two separate comments but ultimately the bottom line for my friend. I was told that it was said out of love but that's not how it feels. I don't feel motivated like I can carry on. I feel worse than before I called. I feel like something is wrong with me.
And you know I got upset. Which i feel terrible about. But here's the thing. First I have a doctor. That I see regularly. Second, while I do not follow traditional religion, that does not make me evil or deserving of being treated badly. This friend like most of the people in my life has been neglectful if nothing to say the least in the past. I mean never there for my good or my bad. This person like a few others in my life really only pick up the phone when my life is a mess. Whenever I try to reach out during my good moments they are either too busy to listen, or just don't feel like talking. It's like their whole mood changes when I have good news, but when it is bad they are happy. This is a person like many others, who I forgave, which why we still currently have a friendship. And yet this person like many others just doesn't see me.
And that is why I need the kindness. I'm not sure that anyone in my life sees me. There may be one or two, but they are almost never available.
It seems that it's only when I'm doing bad that they want to talk to me. I hate this. I feel so alone these days. There is so much more I need to get off my chest, I just don't know how to say it. These moments really make me doubt myself.
I just don't understand. It seems that not matter how I live my life, I am always wrong.
Can someone please cheer me up? Also I know this post wasn't very clear. I just don't know how to say it all.
updated by @crystalsage: 06/10/19 04:50:03PM