Family member with cancer - not able to do only nearly as much as I esteem necessary

Chrisis
Chrisis
@chrisis
6 months ago
87 posts

I do not know how to handle this: I would like to be there and help, but I am not well myself and do not have the strengh to do what I think should be done. I am not in a state to help others, still "licking my own wounds". I feel sad and guilty and helpless. And, you probably experienced this all of you, I do not observe the same attitude from the other people that surround this person. So I feel like it's all on my shoulders. My body was showing the strangest symptoms pver the last 3 years, I got the feeling that I was slowly dying. If I get to grips with one symptom, the next pops up. So I decided to go away from my job and this place and people that make me sick - and now this familiy member gets a cancer diagnose, just when I am about to leave and there is no turning back for me really and each further day I stay makes me sicker.


updated by @chrisis: 06/10/19 01:14:50PM
michelle
@michelle
6 months ago
228 posts
I feel for you, chrisis.
Before I got ill, I was the one who did it all for my parents; cut grass, clean the house, bring the birthday cakes and so on...even mended the roof in the winter.

Now, I let the others do their share. My dad's gone and Mum is 91. How I help now is to phone her, rent movies to watch with her, and I will drive her to doctors or shopping, if needed. But I cannot help physically anymore.

This bothers me, alot but I manage my own life with difficulty. Not sure where you live but if cooking is a problem, in the U.S. we have meals on wheels...breakfast lunch dinner delivered few days per week. We did this for my gram and my aunt and I would cook on other days for her.

There are visiting nurses to give medication and bathe. Here, the state will also provide house cleaners for a very low cost...check on these kind of services.

After leaving your job, did you plan to move somewhere else?


--

I was abandoned by wolves and raised by my parents.
Chrisis
Chrisis
@chrisis
6 months ago
87 posts

thank you michelle

it is not as bad for the moment that this person (my mom) could not cook for herself or needed help in the household all the time - but due to the treatement, she is not always well and is starting to feel the side effects of the treatement.Yet she does not assume that she needs external help.

I'm about to leave for another country in the next weeks, so I will not be able to just help spontaneously. Yet I need to leave, for sake of my own health and sanity.

Staying at this place is a problem for me and so are all the actions attached - it all stirrs up all the old problems constantly that I need to get a distance from. Even helping out with simple things, even just staying here, brings me to my limits.

And it does not help to know, that her other daughter, who is the neighbour, is not helpful at all. She does works around the house alright,  but is constantly guilttripping or accusing me- since we do not talk anymore she now uses my mother to do so. I need to get out of this but I don't want to leave my mother in this situation. I already tried to motivate her to move with me before she got sick, but she wants to stay here  and I think that it is partly the cause of the disease. I fear that she will not overcome the disease in such a situation. the other sibling is quite narcissistic, has mood swings, rages, comes up with the craziest beliefs and just does not really care. she does help, but in a compulsive kind of way and always with a hidden agenda  - if you get her help you need to pay back some day, one to one, and she means this litterally. She even takes notes!

I feel totally guilty for going away but at the same time I really fear for my own life, I know this sounds dramatic, but my body is firing more than one alarm at once.

michelle
@michelle
6 months ago
228 posts
chrisis,

Even though the timing seems bad, your mum chose to stay of her own free will.

The only one who might try and make you regret the move would be your sibling and you know the deal there.

Keep frequent contact with your mum, surprise her with cards and flowers for no special reason other than you love her. She will appreciate it.

Go and work towards your healing; your mother would want that for her child.


--

I was abandoned by wolves and raised by my parents.
Chrisis
Chrisis
@chrisis
6 months ago
87 posts

thank you for your sympathy and advice, I appreciate this 💗

Chrisis
Chrisis
@chrisis
6 months ago
87 posts

hello moonshine

the thread is actually not about taking on other peoples illnesses. I've experienced that too, but thats a different thing. My actual health issues are not related to my moms illness.

the taking notes and paying back things is not what my mom does but my sibling. I just mentioned it to give a better understanding of the situation, but I do not want to discuss the issues I have with my sybling right now. I hope you understand this.

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