As a child, did anyone ever crave the attention to be loved, appreciated and acknowledged?

Somehow we didn't recognise then (for those who can relate to it or can see objectively through profession or otherwise).

Somehow a conversation with my father led me to wake up to the realisation that I see his regrets, his sorrow, his helplessness and my dire need to please him, to succeed to prove something to him so he can show off 1 of the pride and Joy's of his progeny.

He could rant at me all day and I wouldn't ever be angry. Somehow I would channel it develop my own individual aspirations. Today relationships was on the card. And the anger was directed at standing up for womens rights where they are oppressed and scrutinised for multiple reasons.

So I've learnt to stop internalizing others wishes and wants but at a cost of emotional stigmatized manipulation.. 

Through the sound in his voice I'm analysing other things. Somewhere my soul wanders off to when I guess I can say I'm only challenged by others when I want to stand up for myself and my beliefs, aspirations. But it's ok praise and glorify me when its others pleasure that's being fulfilled.

Help me piece this aspect of my life together 🌷

updated by @layla: 03/03/21 12:49:52PM

Hi Layla,

It's been a long while since I have posted here but you prompted me to share.

1. I was in my 20s before I realized that I had, aged 3, made the decision to play weak and sickly to get love and attention form my mother. By the time I entered my first corporate job I had long forgotten that a useful and successful strategy with my mother was just that - a strategy! Needless to say, it did not serve me as a successful strategy in the corporate world. LOL!
2. The science of epigenetics has enabled us to scientifically understand that strong emotions turn on and off DNA flags. So if our parents had strong emotions before we were conceived we literally inherited their emotions in our DNA. Ditto, grandparents, great-grandparents etc.
3. There is certainly a way in which we are also socially conditioned.  If our parents shouted at us as a child, we may come to think that our romantic partner does care about us unless they shout at us.
   Similarly, one of my clients had an abusive father. His father was also abuse. My client was subconsciously expressing her natural love for her ancestry by loving an abusive partner.

I have been using a process with my clients along this line. I'll share part of it here:

I instruct my clients to honor their ancestors by saying to each generation of the 7 generations that preceded them:
(Ideally this process would be done using photos of the ancestors (parents, grandparents and further back if available). Where photos aren't available, visualizations also work)

"I honor you, my ancestors, for who you were and what you went through.
I honor your gift of life to me.
I honor your love for me and I now understand that I don’t need to honor you by holding, for myself, your emotional DNA and your emotional baggage.
I give back to you, with love, all that is yours and not mine.
I am sharing my love for you and thank you for your love for me."

Hope this helps,

Trevor

@trevor-Lewis thank you so much, yes that is helpful. And that is a great way to not hold resentment.

I will try and memorize it and repeat it when I am being belittled to take big steps in life. Because that is what I want to do and at the same time part and parcel of what you shared is how I have been conditioned to accept but to not challenge.

My family was close! We knew what we are. We come from generations of people who are this way. Some were killed as witches but we understood their ignorance which brings around their fear. Many of us started communities, enclaves if you will where we supported and protected our own. It isn't as hard as you think; people can look at things but never really see. We don't always agree on things but we, usually, understood why and we knew that we had our mutual interests at heart. As for regular people, just because we know their feelings doesn't mean that they will know ours and it would be cruel to expect them to. Regular people are blind in that aspect and, in most cases, are clueless. As a result, we have to be the bigger people.

Those are the people we look up to generally. Families that seem positive, interact and communicate well with one another. Show interest in building communities.

And yes that is what we lack, we see but we don't have the strength to do this solo. So we support others who have already pledged to build and support their communities individually rather than as a whole.

We didn't come from those types of backgrounds, nor we're we raised with those principles in life. Which is why we lack motivation and give up very easily.

Some stigmatised, backward ways of thinking and beliefs are ingrained in my mother. Yet she doesn't see the oppression that has been done to her nor does she know how to manoeuvre away from it. Instead she reiterates what her ancestors taught her. Both her parents are deceased. Even then I felt the need to build bridges with them because as much as we were distant from them. I wanted to be close. Close with her sister and her nieces. Since they come from a family of refugees.

Now if I was angry I'd be pointing out all the descisions he has made in life and mine have been discouraged from pursuing.

My Mother had chosen three angry abusive men to marry in her life. She is an empath herself yet has never realized or accepted it. Even after her sister tried explaining it to her, she rejected the idea in favor of my step father's rigid belief system. She lives under the umbrella of self deception. It's a survival tactic she uses to protect her ego from the mistakes she has made. Her choices caused me to endure untold grief and anguish over the years. I have decided to start telling her about it more instead of protecting her from the truth. I still love her dearly, but I can not perpetuate these lies with my own child. 

My step father had raised me since the age of six. He was a good Christian man that read the bible every morning before heading off the work. The life he gave me was in constant conflict with him. His legalistic approach to religion was self serving. I gave up that conflict when I left the house, but now 30+ years later I realize it never really ended. He continued his judgement against me. He still blames me for the disruption I caused to his house hold(and boy did I!). I held on to the guilt of my youthful indiscretion for many years until I realized this was the basis of my resentment. The judgment from this man continues to this day in just about every conversation we have. I had to finally call him out and give both my parents a new rendition of the accepted history between us. I'm still in this process of breaking down past beliefs. 

So where do I stand? I'm not looking for vengeance. I want peace between us. I want a real relationship with my Mother before she dies. I want to explain empathy to her, and to my half brother, to my family. I want them to know I was never the man they claim I am or was. I am not close to any of them. I ingratiate myself to them without reciprocation. I had to give up placating them and simply speak the truth as I know it. I choose to give up resentment and fear. I wish they would do the same. 

My family believes that I'm causing the conflict that I desperately want to resolve. They have turned(once again) against me. My brother and cousins ignore me. My step father defends his opinions with a self righteous vigor. My Mother is still caught in the middle defending her husband and choice that she made. It is sad but I have to moved on. I still love them all and hope that one day we will have a reconciliation.

So today, I honor my Mother and the gift of life that she gave me. I let go of the baggage that wasn't mine to begin with. I understand her choices were based in the same fear we all face. I will continue to share my love for her and my step father and thank them for their love for me. Until that day comes.

Thanks @trevor-Lewis

Try talking to your father concerning the gift of discernment which, in reality, empathy is.

@alanjepsen Iv'e never actually been able to do that. Except but just to listen and take on the criticism.

To some extent emotional entrapment on much needed life descisions.

Although we've always had a good backing through siblings.

@zacharias I think much of what you expressed is how we as an entire family feel. Those feelings which you have expressed are what the messages were perceive whenever we try to step out of our comfort zones and make something of ourselves instead of being viewed as a failure.

I think someone deep down beneath the surface is what prevents us. The messages are ingrained but we font see those on initial insight when we self reflect.

@layla we all live under a self deception. It's a hard thing to realize it and even another to actually do something about it when we do. I have to give other people the grace to get there eventually. I've gone though many of those dark nights of the soul to get were I am at now, and there are probably more to come. I don't wish that on anyone yet I know that this is what it takes to put down our own evil and realize the good in us in order to share that with the world. It's more than self reflection, It comes from truly real self reflection. There is a difference. You can't give up your ego with your ego. The study of Zen has helped me see that. 

@alanjepsen I know what you mean. I may take that approach in the future. Coming at it as a biblical spiritual gift does help to soften the message, so to speak. It makes it more acceptable to a egocentric Christian. There is an issue, however, I have asked many Christians what their spiritual gift is. They always say the same thing; Discernment. I have a feeling that my father would say the same. I'll still ask. 

In the bible you will find in the gospels many instances where Jesus knew their thoughts and in Acts where Paul discerned when he was brought before the council that half were Sadducees and half were Pharisees and played them off on each other. In the Gospels, Jesus never healed any two people the same way. The reason is that no two people are the same and He met their needs accordingly. Take the gift of tongues for example, it was given to different people for different reasons. Same with prophesy! Check out the books of the Prophets and note that no two received prophesy the same way! So it isn't hard to understand how the gift of discernment will also be different from one person to the next. As far as the age is concern, Samuel received his gift at an early age and it was demonstrated many times as he was growing up. Samson received his before he was even born and with many demonstrations as he was growing up. Jesus when He was 12 was in the Temple arguing with the scribes and priests astonishing them with his understanding. Now the only thing is that if by the gift you see something concerning somebody and you don't warn them then God will hold you accountable. Check out the Old Testament when prophets didn't do what they are suppose to. One example is Jonah being swallowed by a whale. Luke 12:48 "But he that knew not, and did commit things worthy of stripes, shall be beaten with few stripes. For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required: and to whom men have committed much, of him they will ask the more. " Of course remind your father this about gifts apply to all who have them. Mark 6:4 "But Jesus said unto them, A prophet is not without honour, but in his own country, and among his own kin, and in his own house. " If he wants more detail; I can give him more detail. I learned this from a Pastor who also was a prophet who, among other things, prophesied about the Challenger blowing up 2 weeks in advanced including the headlines would be in both my hometown newspapers would be and the political cartoon would be on the opinion page in those papers.

@alanjepsen , It's very interesting that you bring this up in the way you have. I shared Luke 12:48 recently with my Mother as a way to show her of what it was I was convicted of. In bringing it back up, it shows that I have more to consider. Good, I'm on the right track.

I do have that discernment. I know I do, but it is hard to believe in myself so much so that I act on it in a way that is positive. That fear and resentment gets in the way. By giving it up I don't respond to the anger and resentment of others. It's my responsibly to confront wrong behavior as Jesus himself did. As Paul did. Otherwise, I may be beaten with many lashes, because I know better. I get it.

If we can, as Empath, give up the basis of what hold us back, FEAR. We can do what we are called to do. Change yourself, and you change the world. It starts with that internal struggle. We can't be afraid of it. 

Thanks for the support