I have a very unlikely issue I cannot seem to be able to solve on a mental level.
This is a long post but I don't know how to shorten it, so I am sorry for that, I highlighted the questions.
Though I am in a relationship with someone who believes in me and long-term, have met each others' families willingly, travelled, have some common views and hobbies etc. I am unable to shake the feeling that I should cease the relationship.
I have tried expressing this multiple times over the past 7 months (total 1 year) and get to its core, understand why. I both want and don't, as it would leave me depressed for god knows what amount of time, and I like and enjoy attention or closeness.
But I have a strong need for reciprocity. The person I love exists in my thoughts and whenever I have or think about something or take a decision I mentally consult the person. I "listen" to the kind of energy note I get back from him. I interpret it. Sometimes I still act like myself but it's an automated mental mechanism to send energy to the other and listen for the "echo".
This is where I am left puzzled as this person makes it very hard for me to connect on a soul level. One could say he is happy not doing it. I am not. I am able to predict what can happen based on knowing him better than he can. Though the argument here is "don't infer things as you may be wrong", an advice I understand, and took as it is fair (i don't like things "inferred" either), there are times when i have a strong feeling of "I can feel what will happen and I will act against it" if it looks like an obstacle. This feelings are different from inferring as a vice. They are... a bit more profound.
I have had this since I was young, which is when I started reading about these to understand how it is possible, maybe at 12-13. He is the very rational "scientific" kind that has explicitly told me he even finds psychology as a discipline "totally bullshit". I grew up in a society where spiritual values were more valued than in his, and I ended up internalising or crystallising lessons and beliefs pertaining to people sometimes manifesting psychic abilities, ability to tell what will happen, or feeling what the other feels clearly, even with plants and animals, as it has happened in my family going back to 3 generations especially on my mother's line (something they never told me until I was 19 and enquired about it myself). No one spoon fed me these or forced me to accept them.
Slowly I tried explaining that I believe in these to my boyfriend, despite both being "schooled" individuals where standard science has a stronger say blah blah. I have been able to tell on a few occasions what he was thinking, something he doesn't really do, though I try to not be strong about these, rather soft, I might even tell them jokingly to avoid being called mad. This might be the reason I haven't been taken seriously thought at other times I was.
I have been telling him about my spiritual problems (or cravings?!) but I feel like to no avail as not much changes. I felt like i've never been able to fully express myself around him and on a few occasions he's treated my feelings as irrational and shallow, despite the fact that I put great effort in opening up honestly in the first place, or that the words I use are too abstract or pseudo-scientific.
I don't know if anything will change in the foreseeable future in regards to this as i've been fighting him a lot to make my point go across.
I am aware not everybody can understand these. Though I told him some of my closest happenings with family and animals (knowing when father will come home or call despite the hours not being the same, feeling like my mother was worried and calling my name, describing how it feels, like a mental image or sound in my head)... he does not get how close these encounters are to my heart or how crucial it is for me to keep perceiving the world on this level. I don't want to close up and I fight and resent that lifestyle of "cannot see cannot hear".
I have made choices to preserve "myself", such as leaving for a semi-rural place instead of a capital (work and Master's), but the same instinct now is creating funny things in my head. Negative scenarios regarding him, my thoughts just roll into an abyss of "ways how to break up" and I do not understand what generates them. I am afraid to follow such thoughts or instinct, instead i'm more willing to correct them. I don't know if i'm acting ok though trying to change the other through "fighting". I am told it's not yet it feels like it's the... alternative.
Why those/these constant negative thoughts towards him? What if I follow them and they reoccur with other partners?
I want to say that despite what he claims he isn't entirely separated from the "spiritual" world or concepts, but he can be extremely blind to it in a childish, stubborn way rather than malicious. Yet he is not encouraged towards it in any way, only to criticise and belittle such concepts as inferior. I come from a more balanced society in that regard, of spiritual values that don't have to be 100% "institutionalised religion", and instead combine with old customs and folklore (I just chose to believe and read more due to my personal experiences, I never pushed these onto others).
I am perplexed by how upsetting I find him to be because of the spiritual side he does not see in me or others, though I tried to teach him what and why when we visited my country, as I did with his family. His emotional intelligence isn't the best either.
What could I possibly do to help myself feel less misunderstood, have less negative thoughts (dark? ) towards him? I'll just end up attacking him relentlessly until he changes, if he does, and he will never understand why, seemingly, everything in the psychological/emotional sphere is quite "abstract" to him, and anything pertaining to non-abrahamic religions is pseudo-science...............
updated by @kate: 06/14/20 09:29:02AM