The Importance of Being Jonny

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How my heart feels about love

By The Importance of Being Jonny, 2011-12-16

Love is a topic I never discuss because it is very personal to me and I don't feel I should share that vulnerability with people. It's almost never asked about pertaining me and people just assume I choose to stay single or I haven't found the right one yet.

But not a soul knows how I feel about the word love and what it means to me. There's a song by Eden's Crush that always brings a tear to my eye because it's like they are singing the emotion of my heart. I'm a very romantic guy and this song kinda expresses that. Instead of posting the video, I would like to type out the lyrics. I prefer typing out lyrics at times to express how I feel at a particular moment. I may substitute a word or two because I can't go around saying I wanna feel like Juliet. Heh. But it's very weird typing about this because this is a side I never show to people or talk about, but I'm feeling in a mood to share.

Love This Way|Eden's Crush

I...want to run into someone's arms. Lie on a bed of roses.

I...want to feel just like Romeo. I want to fall in love.

I've got a feeling everybody wants someone to love

somebody they can trust, somebody they can touch.

Everybody wants to give their heart away.

Everybody needs a little tenderness to feel understood, to feel passionate.

Everybody wants to be in love this way. I know I do. What about you?

I...want to be somebody's baby. I want to cry and still feel beautiful.

Maybe I....really just wanna be myself. Am I the only one?

I've got a feeling everybody wants someone to love

somebody they can trust, somebody they can touch.

Everybody wants to give their heart away.

Everybody needs a little tenderness to feel understood, to feel passionate.

Everybody wants to be in love this way. I know I do. What about you?

You see, I do. Doesn't everybody wanna give their heart away? I do.

Doesn't everybody wanna love this way, cuz I do!

Everybody wants someone to love

somebody they can trust, somebody they can touch.

Everybody wants to give their heart away.

Everybody needs a little tenderness to feel understood, to feel passionate.

Everybody wants to be in love this way.

I...want to feel like an angel. I want to fly...on a beam of moonlight.

And I...I wanna see heaven from the inside. I wanna be in love this way.

Everybody needs a little tenderness to feel understood, to feel passionate. What about you?

Everybody wants to be in love this way.


Sigh. My God. Now the video of the group performing this song slaps me in the face because there's a shot of a guy crying in the audience and I can totally resonate with what he is feeling from the lyrics.


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Dream summoning

By The Importance of Being Jonny, 2011-10-06

I have a prophet's mind and I'm always seeing pieces of a person's life, of reality, of a possible future or an unlikely future. I have relied on my dreams for a long time but nowadays I am dreaming, but not remembering them and I wonder what causes the memory blockage.

I've had rare occasions where I thought of something before bed and dreamt about it. The most vivid and erotic one I had was exactly that. I was quoting a line from Charmed--of course-- and typed as a Yahoo status "Dreams are just harmless erotic fun. Exotic. I said "exotic". I dunno what I did, but just having that quote in my mind brought on the most intense sexual dream I have ever had.

I got to thinking. I summoned that dream, so I know it can be done. But how am I doing it? As my mind grows more psychic by the day, I am trying my hardest to remember what my state of being was like, what my mind was like, what my environment was like, all at the time of the dream. Is it something I am tapping into or is it something else I haven't quite understood yet?

I believe once I learn to control my dreams, dream>>awaken>>remember, then I can move onto controlling my visions. I know I've been having visions in my sleep because the deja vu I have gives it away and there might be something oddly familiar about someone I see that I know I've experienced before even if I don't know the person well.

While I'm on the subject of dreams, I tend to dream random dreams that seem to be a mixture of fiction and fact. Like I may dream about someone's life, but some elements in the dream will be false. I dunno what it means, but this is why when I do dream about people I know, I put on my detective's hat cuz I need to find out if what I dreamt is true. I'm 50% right. In the past, I was 90%. I'm hoping to get up to 100% as I know I am meant to be.

I look forward to going to sleep at night because I enter REM sleep and my dreams start. But when I awaken and have no memory of a dream, my day is usually a dank one. Very depressing. :/


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Ignored, part II

By The Importance of Being Jonny, 2011-10-04

I wrote a blog entitled Ignored when I first joined last summer and it expressed a lot of how I feel on a daily basis. I just want to revisit that and say how it's such a bad feeling to be seemingly forgotten by ppl around you, loved ones, family, friends.

Yet they notice I am still alive when they want something, or if I can help them in any way. This would fall into the category of another blog I wanted to write called "Oblivious to the obvious". Clearly what's obvious to me is not obvious to them, and that seems to be a constant around my universe. I hate having to explain what's so obvious to me when it's right there for them to see if they'd only take the time to see not just their surroundings, but mine.

As an empathic sensitive, feeling like I am ignored is a horrible feeling and it makes me paranoid. But feeling like I am and actually being ignored are two different things. Most of the time I am bothered by the fact that people come to me for certain things because it again, only makes me feel like a tool to be used then ignored once they've got what they wanted outta me. When I've had enough of it and I don't really want to talk or be harassed by someone, that's when they notice my small feelings and decide to ask what's wrong.

It consistently seems to be a two-way street I travel down, then return to no matter how hard I avoid it. It's not so hard to ask a person how their life is going in the time that they've forgotten I existed, just don't do it as a solution to soothe my ego if you're only going to go on with the same routine again. That's just pissin' off behavior. I know for a fact I am living in the Twilight Zone. Some odd behavior goes on around me and it literally feels like people don't see me.

A recent example just happened yesterday. A Youtube subscriber of mine writes me asking if I burn cds, since I upload music. I said I have. The only two words I said to him in my reply. His reply was a list of demands that basically said he wanted a cd of all this music that I was going to take my time to burn onto a cd, send it to him and "for my troubles, he will send me a little something via paypal."

I didn't bother replying to him again because not only did he not ask me, nowhere in his rant was a please, a thank you, or a question mark in the form of "could you please make me a cd copy of these songs?" I don't respond to demands, and his condescending tone of "he will give me something for my troubles" pissed me off. That is exactly the kinda behavior from people that I tend to get and it's so twisted and nobody sees how they come off apparently.

I've been out walking on the street and encountered people who don't seem to notice I am there. No, they weren't distracted, they didn't happen to not see me, they literally act like I am not there and it's an unsettling feeling that adds to the point of this whole blog. Perhaps I am rambling now, but my point is I am not alive for other people's convenience. I am alive to live my life the best way I can. There are those in my life who actually are happy that I live and breathe. That is a wonderful feeling knowing someone appreciates the fact that I am alive rather than someone who only seems to care when it's convenient for them.


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The Good, The Bad and the Empath

By The Importance of Being Jonny, 2011-09-19

Yesterday, on my way to a friend's house I stumbled across an older woman who was just released from the emergency room from the hospital right across the street. She asked if I could help her with bus fare to get home. My heart went out to her and I could have helped, but I didn't and I felt so bad. I did not have loose change on me, nor could I give her my bus fare card to help with fare as I was headed in a different direction. But I did have a few singles on me that I could have given her which she would have made into change for the bus. When people ask me for money on the street, I'm always cautious and slightly paranoid because it's money and this is Brooklyn, NY. My big heart could easily lead me into danger of being robbed so I oftentimes say I don't have it, even though it's partially true. They may ask for change when I only have bills, but a $5, $10, or $20.

As I told her "I'm sorry, I don't have it", she gave me a look of despair, as if she'd been out there all afternoon. I stood with her for a few seconds and told her to keep asking, I'm sure someone would help her out. I was literally on the verge of tears. I was beating myself up as I walked away. I called myself stupid and kept saying that I felt so bad for continuing her suffering. I REALIZE HER PREDICAMENT IS NOT MY PROBLEM, but I still could have helped and felt so ashamed of myself. This was on my mind until I got home late that evening.

I begged and pleaded to God and Gabriel to give me another chance because how I feel I acted to that woman is not me. I'm always willing to help out, I just don't think the situation through enough. I said, if you gave me another chance to help an individual in need, I would devote my time and money(if I had it) to that person.

This morning as I left for school, I was coming out of the supermarket when I am stopped by a homeless/down on his luck man. I had seen him before around the neighborhood. He, in a soft and low voice, told me his life story. How his wife died of AIDS and gave it to him before she passed. How he is taking care of their child by himself with no help. He went on to say that he's been out there all morning asking for help for what he needed from the supermarket but no one would stop to help him because of how he looked.

He said he's a devout Baptist and he believes in the power of the Lord very much. He talks to God everyday about his problems but once in a while, he wants to talk to someone who will answer back. He came up to me and said I look like a kind and understanding gentleman and that he knows I have a big, helping heart and that he just wanted someone to listen to his story. It just so happens I left home 30 mins early for class so I did have some extra time to stop and chat with him.

I intended on going to the bank to make a small deposit of $40. It was nothing big, but I wanted to deposit it anyway. After the guy told me his story he politely asked me if I could help him by buying some baby formula for him, something no one wants to help him with. I knew what had happened was this was a chance at redeeming myself so to speak because I felt so bad that I didn't help someone when I had the money. The formula came up to $34. I was shocked as hell baby formula costs so much, but like always when someone asks me to buy something for them, if I have the money, I will get it for them and I had it.

He was very happy and I told him God bless and never worry about the unkind people in the world, there will always be someone out there willing to help out if they can. I'm glad I was there for him because I can't even articulate how bad I felt the day before with the look in that woman's eyes. To help someone out is such a good feeling for me. If I'm sad, I will be uplifted. It's that sorta thing that makes me smile. In addition to helping the man out, I had a fabulous day.

Blessed be,


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I dunno where to begin

By The Importance of Being Jonny, 2011-09-05

As I grow as an empath and as a spiritual being, I am learning to deal with stress the right way. I have not been doing such a good job. I've been on a constant stress ride since last September and September is here yet again.

Over the course of the year, I haven't been taking it easy and I've been making myself sick in the process. This summer hasn't been as relaxing as it should have been since I had summer school, dealt with pain on two occasions, went into the hospital for a week because of the pain and from there I went on vacation. It made all the stress go away.

As I am about to enter a new semester of school tomorrow, I wonder if I am ready to deal with the same stressors again as they are presented in front of me. I believe God put me in the hospital because he knows how stubborn I can be. I wouldn't know how to relax if you put me in Hawaii.

Even though I was sick, I wasn't ill. I was still able to walk and get around, but if I did not take a break from life, it would have gotten worse.

The weekend before I went to see my doctor, I had been very depressed and manic. I am not a diagnosed bi polar, but I show symptoms sometimes and it scares me. This is new and has been happening because I am a basket case nearly daily and I don't know how to take it easy. I don't take anxiety medication, I am rarely relaxed. After that weekend was done, and Monday showed up, I went to the doctor for medication about my chest pain.

My primary doctor was on vacation at the time but I was told to come in to see the one who was on call. I didn't need to say much about what was bothering me. He made his decision, and that was to admit me for hydration and medication. As I was dealing with chest pain, they wanted to make sure I was okay, especially since I had been stressing out so much about preparing for vacation, which was ultimately pushed back 2 weeks because I got sick.

I usually fight all doctors at all times when it comes to being admitted to the hospital. I have a busy life and I can't just drop things for hospitalization. As much as my health means to me, I couldn't see myself surrendering to depression because I am not at home and active. However, this time I gave up. I said okay. Admit me. I didn't want to fight any longer. I just wanted rest and I knew a stay at the hospital would be the proper rest I needed. He promised me it wouldn't be more than a 2 days stay, but I was there for a week as usual.

When I have pain, I panic because I know it's not gonna go away in a minute's time. I was so depressed that I had made myself sick that I was afraid to write my brother about it, as he paid for my ticket to Oregon for vacation. Since I don't fly, I didn't know he could cancel or push the flight back. But because I am emotional and my health is tied to my emotions, I couldn't help but say I am so sorry for wasting his money. His response made me feel better emotionally, but I was still hurting physically.

After the hospital, I went home for two days before I began my journey to Oregon for vacation. It was just what I needed and it relaxed me in ways I couldn't even imagine. I am considering moving there in the near future as I don't have a life here in NYC and I feel lost and alone.

I'd finally realized that if I am to be the empath I am meant to be and the person I am meant to be, it will not happen here because of the stress I endure daily. It was an awakening that I had to go through to finally see that I am not happy. I will be hurting a lot by leaving, but if this works out for me, they must understand it is not for their happiness, it is for mine. I am holding myself back in ways I couldn't even articulate.

Since summer school I've been collecting healing crystals and stones that will aid me in the healing process and block out all the negativity I feel and absorb. I hope I learn enough about them and they learn enough about me so we can work together for maintaining my healing, because I need it.

This semester is going to be my toughest one yet as I am taking classes I don't think I will enjoy and are required. I'm also going to be going 4 days a week so the stress will be constant, but I know I have powerful beings around me at all times who know I can do anything I put my mind to. I plan to do well and I will try to live in the present and stop dwelling in the future as I constantly do.

I am scared at what I am becoming sometimes because I feel overwhelmed from all that I feel. Part of me cannot believe this is my life now, part of me thinks this is all a dream that I will wake up from any minute now. I just want to be my best so I can do my best. I want to make my angel proud. I don't want to feel like a hot mess and feel manic, and feel paranoid like I often do. I am someone who is surprisingly strong willed, but I often crack under the pressure.

I want my future from here on out to be a positive one and not filled with stress on a daily occurrence. I know now that I make myself sick because I dunno how to handle my stress. But I am trying to the best of my ability and I hope that after August 2011, I can evolve to something so much stronger, the way I was meant to all along.


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Loss of identity

By The Importance of Being Jonny, 2011-05-30

Lately I've been tripping out over whether or not my personality is my own or someone else's. The personality I've had for years is not my own. I realize that now. It's a little bit of everybody I have come to know in the past couple years.

I don't recall how my own personality used to be. Then there's the realization that I am like certain people and have always been. But is this me being them because we are close or is this me coincidentally being just like them? Do I make any sense?

When i think of it, it's somewhat unsettling to know how I am, and how I act is nothing related to me as a person, rather it's related to whose personalities I have absorbed over the years. Do I like how I am now? Yeah. Do I wanna get rid of my personality? Not really. But do I want to know who I am without another's influence? Hell yeah.

Where am I? Where did I go?

As much as 'oh snap' has become part of my speech, I was never an oh snapper.

Oh snap,


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Lessons on empathy

By The Importance of Being Jonny, 2011-05-13

A while back in class I noticed an unfamiliar student sitting toward the door who timidly wanted to give an analogy to a movie in our short fiction class. The professor, whose abrasive manner of speaking caught my attention since day one, immediately shut him down, cut off what he had to say. He was adamant and continued to spit it out, but she didn't want to hear it. Later she allowed an analogy about sports to be mentioned in class and that irked me.

I paid close attention to the guy's body language and his face when he was basically told to shut up. He was nervous and felt intimidated. After our break, I notice the guy didn't come back. So I was now pissed for him and had to say something about the prof's mouth. Luckily, she sent out a class email which mentioned another student who was abrasively told something by the professor and the email was basically an apology to her and to anyone else who may have been offended by her manner of speaking that day.

I felt that was my chance to let her know how she comes off in class. I politely replied saying "To be honest, you don't give people a chance to talk and in a college classroom you should give students respect if you intend to get respect, or you will notice students will do poorly in assignments, attendance and eventually drop the class."

On Wednesday, she asked to talk to me after class about why I am unhappy with her and the course. I explained I wasn't unhappy with her but I would like to talk to her about how she comes off in class. Very nervously, I told her what I noticed that day and how bad it hurt me and one of the first things she said was it is admirable to have people who would not only contact the teacher about how they are in class, but defend someone I thought was being wronged.

The guy btw wasn't a student in our class but is a student who takes just about every class she teaches. He was simply sitting in that day why he seemed unfamiliar.

She's a very emotional teacher, she cried on the first day after viewing a favorite movie of hers. she started to tear up after she talked about what I did for that guy. I wanted to tell her not to cry because I was gonna cry, but she held it together.

She explained that abrasiveness is all part of her Brooklyness and that is just how she comes across, but she expressed that if anybody had a problem with how she speaks to please let her know because if she had to she would make a public apology. I told her I didn't hate her, or the course but I wanted to put that out there as people who interrupt another when speaking is my number 2 pet peeve after people spelling my name with an H.

We had a heart to heart. I explained some things. She said I didn't appear to be from Brooklyn, that's because in public with people I dunno, I am very shy, timid and well spoken. Once you get to know me, I'm actin' a hot ass mess, especially at home. We traded stories and I got to see what a great person she is. She commented on my level of maturity and we parted ways.


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Brothers GALORE!

By The Importance of Being Jonny, 2011-03-10

If you dunno what this blog post is about then lemme tell you. When last I wrote I had 2, now I have three.

Mush Rooms who I like to call Kat started feeling quite brotherly to me for quite a while after he added me on Facebook. I wasn't paying attention to it until he commented my status one day and when I had him in thought I felt I had to tell him what I felt, so I did.

I went to Wolf and being who he is, he was not only able to confirm the feeling I felt, but saw Kat running to me in a field back in the late 1800s when I was an inventor. Kat looked up to me and often harassed me when I was busy in my shed. Kat seems like that type now. lol. No offense to him at all. The feeling I have is strong, that not only is he my brother, but I am very protective of him and look out for his well being.

The Mush Rooms I know is the one who buzzes around hopped up on all that sugar. Lotsa energy, my brother. Not only did I sense him myself, but I told Wolf "I have a strong feeling there will be a 4th brother, but I will find him, not you."

That is exactly what happened so in addition to finding him, my abilities are growing sharper. Kat is the first brother who felt like such before I discovered who he was. Wolf and Ben I was simply close to which resulted in my finding out we were related.

Kat completes the Charmed prophecy which is a story in itself. Wolf mentioned Kat felt foreign, like his blood wasn't 100% mine like if he was a half sibling. He is also not related to Wolf or Ben, just me from a separate lifetime.

So I now have 3 brothers I met here on EC. I continue to be so very thankful. If it weren't for how I feel inside, I would be so skeptical, but I accept them all as my blood in the present. Wolf, Ben and Kat all share my blood, it's just over time our blood has thinned out to separate bloodlines. That's why they're called past lives.

I am Wolf's little brother, Ben's big brother and Kat's le frer. :)

God works in wacky ways, that he does. I went from being absent a brotherly figure growing up because my own brother moved away to having not one, not two, but three brothers I never knew about.

Blessed be indeed


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