By The Importance of Being Jonny, 2013-08-25
I've gotten to the point in my life where the negative emotional experiences I go through has brought on PTSD symptoms. For about two years now, I've been living with what I was calling PTSD symptoms but, I'm realizing now, the way a memory can take me back to the moment of emotional scarring to the point where I'm scared of the memory, that I pretty much have PTSD. Though it may not be as severe as soldiers may get. I am in fact living life hiding this from people. It's not something I can just come out and say, although I have tried with my brother but like everything else, it was temporarily acknowledged and overlooked/forgotten.
I am a strong person. I believe we all are. Empaths are built to endure and survive pain. All types of pain. I've been through enormous pain in my life, but no matter what it was, I managed to get through it. My last two serious emotional encounters traumatized me. The first thing that happened to me in November of 2011 traumatized me. I have never been traumatized by anything in my life. Things have affected me, but I always moved on from it somehow. That incident messed me up because I was never the same person again. I knew it was time for me to move on with my life which is when I made the decision to move to Oregon and although I have forgiven the person who emotionally traumatized me, it was the beginning of a new type of trauma in my life that is not so simply resolved.
My new experience in Oregon was fresh and something I needed in my life until living with my landlord from hell traumatized me again to the point where I had to move. I've been in my new place for two months now, but the memories of dealing with my former landlord are still fresh in my mind and even though I am beyond her, a simple memory takes me right back and it leaves me feeling scared and hurt like I'm reliving the experience. I dunno how this happened or if it's a test that God thinks I need to find a way to overcome, but it's another struggle in my life and it's debilitating me.
I love my new place and my roommate and I are great friends, but as a way of protecting myself from any future harm, I feel it's absolutely necessary to have a discussion with him about who I am and what I go through. One thing he told me the day i met him was he doesn't like for there to be tension between himself and someone else he is living with, and after my last domestic situation, I feel we have a certain relationship where it would be ok for me to discuss this part of my life with him simply because we live together and I don't ever want to go through something empath-related and I am just so alone and in need of an outstretched arm to help me through my crisis. I've been thinking of how I can tell him so many things about me that I keep secret. I've been thinking of what to say and how I am going to say it for almost a month now. The other day in his room, I was on the verge of telling him I had something to tell him but I was terrified. I feel this is necessary because I dunno if I can survive another experience where things blow up in my face and get so bad that the memories are causing PTSD within me.
This has been my struggle for the last two years now and I wanted to share it where I feel comfortable being who I am. I cannot share this with family as they have all shown me they aren't equipped to handle this kind of crisis. I don't have friends who are close to me and care that much. And Facebook, that's just a whole lotta real that I don't feel comfortable sharing with a majority of people I don't even talk to. No matter what I go through in life, I keep the realization in my mind that I am a survivor. I've been through various low points in my life and I've gotten through every single one of them and I know it will just take a while until I survive my current crisis.
By The Importance of Being Jonny, 2013-01-23
In addition to being an empath, I am also clairvoyant and in the past, some ten+ years ago, I would get these visions via dreaming and the moment they were about to come true, I would feel that it was about to happen, so I stood by and watched. One time, to prove my visions to her, I told a friend to watch the chat room we were both in because what I saw in a dream was about to come true--I felt it! There it did, just how I saw it. She was baffled. Shortly after, I stopped having visions, my dreams were even dampened like something was wrong. So I went years feeling like my third eye was sewn shut and I couldn't get it open.
In December, I dreamt about a scene from this past Monday's episode of 90210, one of my favorite shows. After I woke up, I told myself to document this dream because the last time I dreamt about a potential future episode of one of my favorite TV shows, 6 years had past and 6 years later, I went back to the premiere of that episode and confirmed that it did unfold how I dreamt it. Well on Monday, I remembered this 90210 dream and it's a good thing because as I was watching, I was recalling what I dreamed and I forgot the guy in my dream was wearing a gray shirt. The guy on Monday's episode was wearing a gray shirt. At that moment I was giggling stupidly because I knew what was about to happen. About a minute later, my vision came true. That wasn't the best part, the best part was getting to experience again, what it is like for me to witness a vision coming true. I'm so tired of deja vu. And I feel most of my deja vu is a vision I had that I could not remember the moment I woke up. That rare moment--the last time this happening was ten years ago--is something for the history books of me. And it just gives me hope that I am on the right track to start being a seer again, the way I used to be.
By The Importance of Being Jonny, 2012-03-10
I love making friends and being with loved ones, however, it's all a mix for disappointment and lately I vow to avoid it all to protect myself from the same result which always happens.
I go through semesters sometimes vowing to keep to myself, but by mid semester, at least 3 have befriended me when I didn't want that. I get why it happens but I can't avoid it sometimes. Many times I just wanna be left alone but that's impossible. When I make great friends, I feel their closeness to me. I have one friend who looks up to me and I met him last semester around October or so. I feel his passion and I feel like an older brother to him and he always asks for advice and stuff. We're talking about girls, specifically, a girl he likes and vice versa. I never thought I'd be the one someone came to for advice on girls, but it's happening.
Then there are those who befriend me and want to hang out. I avoid hanging out because I'm socially awkward, especially around people and it's just a disaster about to happen. When I reject a proposal, I feel so bad that I try to make up for it by...planning an event to hang out. Then when I may not hear from them, I feel I did or said something to weird them out and it goes back to how I didn't want to feel in the first place. So whether I want to be closer to someone or they want to be closer to me, I feel I should just remain silent and avoid interaction because I seemingly, no matter how hard I DON'T TRY, weird these people out subconsciously and I didn't want to do that.
So I look at relationships all around me and I cry because I'm torn and I'm trapped in a void where I can't escape people being drawn to me by me simply being quiet and me wanting to be closer to people. When I feel myself growing closer to someone, it hurts like a dagger to the heart to watch them leave me. And mostly, it happens in a silent, but deadly way: Facebook. I grow close to so many people I dunno in real life and when I find out they've deleted me, I can't help but feel sad that I did something to offend them. I'm a nice person and I know I can be weird, especially with my humor, but I honestly dunno what I did or what I do that scares people off.
Now and then I may decide to go into hiding for a few months. I did just that from Late November til my birthday on February 8th. Only 2 people really bothered to comment or message me privately to ask if I was okay. That warmed my heart because it showed that people do care even if I believe no one does.
I hate this part of me that wants to be close to everyone. I hate it with a passion because I feel it's a weakness. It leads me to getting hurt, but I've accepted that it's who I am and I can't change it or avoid it because I will always see the same results. As much as it warms my heart to read such good things, I don't want people saying they miss me, or telling me I'm a good friend because it will only make me want to say the same which leads to my feelings growing and ultimately getting hurt again.
By The Importance of Being Jonny, 2012-02-22
I turned 29 on the 8th and I didn't really get to share my moment with anyone except those who I have on Facebook. Surprisingly, family aside from my Oregon siblings didn't bother asking how I spent it or if I had a happy one. Because of that, I've been kinda sad and dying to discuss this happy moment with someone, so I guess I will do it here. I made the decision early last year that I wanted to spend this birthday alone. I had made attempts in the past to be with those I care about only to have everyone flake on me. I sure know how to pick friends, that's for sure.
I made a last minute decision to go away to Atlantic City, NJ and have some spa treatment. Because it was last minute, I didn't have much money to enjoy my birthday the way I wanted to, so I sprung for a two night stay at Bally's Hotel & Casino and I made the best of it. I left on the 7th and returned the 9th and it was definitely a moment to remember. The hotel was great. It was the first time I checked into a hotel under my name and the first time in over a decade I've been in a hotel too, so it was a freeing experience and helped me get away from all present troubles. A home away from home if you will.
The gambling I didn't go for, but I gave it a shot and of course regretted it. Aside from that, I chose to dine at Johnny Rockets diner which I never heard of before. They made me feel like home and had some great burgers! I befriended a server named Kira and I mentioned it was my birthday. The diner had a 1950s feel to it and again, it was just a great experience.
The day of my birthday, I got an early start, ate breakfast and then walked along the boardwalk. I took dozens of pictures along the way and it was a great tourist moment as I'm not in New Jersey everyday. I originally wanted to get a massage at a spa because I could use the relaxation but couldn't afford the high prices in the hotel. Along the boardwalk, I saw several massage places and got one for $30. Granted it was a clothes-on massage. Not that I wanted to get naked, but a little massage oil on my back would have made that birthday a relaxing one. But I got it nonetheless and felt somewhat relaxed 30 mins later.
After the massage I continued my trek along the boardwalk and took pictures of all the great shops and sights. The adjacent hotels and the seagulls on the boardwalk. The hour long walk in the cloudy, brisk weather made me very sleepy so I took a nap for several hours when I got back to the hotel. That night, I went back to the diner and was asked to stay in this time. Being an empath who avoids crowds I got all my food for takeout. I didn't catch on why I was being asked to stay in, I guess I was that clueless. I ordered a banana shake and a lime margerita and soon after that, the lights went down. I hadn't a clue why.
Next thing I know, I'm being asked my name by another server; again, this was all random to me and I didn't know why. I thought I was just that popular of a customer today. After that, another server comes out with a dessert in her hand and makes an announcement. The entire restaurant sung happy birthday and even though I was a little embarrassed, I was a good sport about it and smiled. They did a little song and dance, just because that's what they do and was unrelated to my bday. Of course I thought it was for me so I took a small 20 second video.
When I got back to my hotel room, I had a huge smile that was there for hours. At that moment, I knew spending my birthday alone was a perfect choice and I am glad I did it. The next morning I got ready to leave, checked out and on my way to the bus station, befriended a woman who was glad I walked up. Turns out the station was closed at 6:30am when it should have been open. She basically said I was her guardian and she's glad that i could keep her company because she was all alone, standing there for her bus which never came. We got to talking about the casino and she admitted to being a gambling addict with a problem and that she blew $1000 and won nothing. I felt for her, but I'm glad she could talk to me about it and be honest. At that point I knew an empath is always on duty and you never know when or why someone will stop and talk to you.
We walked back to the bus depot because our buses never came and had she not suggested we walk there, I would have missed my bus. On my way back into Brooklyn from Manhattan, lucky me, I was the only passenger aboard the Greyhound and I even took a picture of that for proof of that relaxation:
When I finally got home, I was relaxed and had many new memories which I am glad I was able to gain spending my birthday all by myself, something I must do again soon. My sister told me this was the last year in my 20s so I should live it up and boy, did I. I'm very grateful to have had such an amazing time and I thank all those involved who helped me create new memories.
Everyday of my life it's about someone else and their problems and their life. When my day comes around, that one day every year, I make sure it's about me and only me which is why I celebrate my birthday from February 1st to February 9th because I deserve that much care and attention no one will show to me unless I show it to myself.
Thank you for reading. I wanted to share this with someone willing to listen. It's unfortunate I couldn't find one.
By The Importance of Being Jonny, 2012-02-22
At times I dunno why I allow myself to grow close. That's as brief as I can put it.
By The Importance of Being Jonny, 2012-02-16
Pre-empath days I was a serious pushover. I let people be rude to me because I was a pacifist who didn't like confrontation. I let people talk to me any way they wanted to because I was respectful and didn't wanna come off otherwise. But what about me? Are my feelings insignificant?
After my awakening as an empath, I finally woke the hell up. Now, I would NEVER in any amount of eons let someone come at me disrespectfully. A wrath would be unleashed so hard that they would think twice to do it again. I look back on those days and I ask myself, "why?" Why would I allow myself to be treated in such a way. I've experienced moments right outta the Twilight Zone. One embarrassing moment that I'm only discussing to prove my point shows the kinda person I was. I ordered Dominos once and a young delivery guy came to my door and said: "You couldn't walk to the store?" My reaction: Silence and I gave him a $1 tip. It didn't phase me that he was not only rude to me, but unprofessional as a representative of a pizza chain, only thing that occurred to me was that I tip him for delivery.
It's behavior from myself like that that I loathe now and I can't believe that was once me. I still experience crazy stuff like that now, but I don't tolerate it. The way people treat me is indicative of their general behavior, but unless it personally offends me, I won't say anything. An example as recent as Monday, I went shopping and the girl who rang up my groceries took her time acknowledging me, began to ring up the lady in back of me, not letting me know the lady was before me. When she was done ringing me up, she doesn't even look me in my face, just hands me my receipt. The grocery guy who packed my bags saw me put my hand out to claim my baggage, but he just drops the bag on the counter and walks off.
This Twilight zone behavior is serious for an empath. I wasn't about to thank either one of them for pissy service. People nowadays work in establishments like supermarkets but fail to get any training on how to deal with customers. They hire any rude person off the street who's looking for a job.
I don't doubt this behavior is common among most HSP's cuz I was very sensitive and things offended me but I never thought to retaliate because that's not who I am. After my awakening, I realize now more than ever, I am a person too and I demand to be shown respect just as I would show you. What kinda world are we living in where behavior like that flies? The Twilight Zone *dizzy spiral thingy*
By The Importance of Being Jonny, 2012-02-11
By The Importance of Being Jonny, 2011-12-26
I always do this as a blog or a note on Facebook, but since I'm not feeling Facebooky lately, I'll post this here instead.
2011 was definitely the year of discovery for me. 2010 was my empathic discovery, and this year so many good things happened, as well as bad. I can't remember all the months when certain things happened, but I'll start with:
January-I greeted a young Israeli guy named Ben here on EC. He was very friendly and felt nice. He was definitely someone I knew in the past because the relationship was present in just the few short minutes we spent getting to know one another. I mistook his friendliness for weirdness at first. I wondered why he kept thanking me for being his friend. Well, it turned out he wasn't just a friend, but my little brother from about 2 lifetimes. That was a reunion I am glad to have had here. He's the little one and I love him dearly. I'm so glad to have met him now rather than later. We've had an amazing year getting to know one another. He's just so bubbly and full of life and passion. He's the one to cheer you up with his incessant emoticon faces and the one that tells you all will be alright.
He will be entering the Israeli Navy in March for 3 years, so in that short time, we must continue chatting, voice chatting and video chatting as well because I know once he leaves, the heartbreak will set in and it won't be pretty.
February-The beginning of the month was spent feeling very lonely and isolated from the rest of the world. I had no idea what was in store for this month, but thanks to Ben, I was able to meet my protector and the one who has been guiding me all my life--Archangel Gabriel. He had a message for me and my 2 brothers Wolf and Ben and used Ben as a conduit to deliver that message to me. He came through as I was chatting with Ben online and gave me some choice words of inspiration and simply let me know that people will come and go from my life, but he will ALWAYS be with me so I should never fear.
On Valentine's Day, even his words of encouragement couldn't lift my head as I was severely unimpressed with myself. That was a day that I usually spend alone and sad because things aren't how they should be with me--love wise and everything wise. Gabriel wasn't done with me. He previously delivered two messages to me, on February 5 and the day before my birthday, the 7th. But this day was the day he revealed his light to me. On my way to school, just before I got on the bus, I was compelled to look up at the clear blue sky when right in front of me shot a golden streak of light which only I apparently saw. I looked around me, all were oblivious. The part of me that is indecisive thought it was part of an airplane that just happened to fall right in front of me, but the common sense and logical part of me knew it was my guide, Gabriel.
March-June-Since I can't remember what all happened in these months, I'm gonna note I was introduced to two more people from my past. More brothers. Aaron and Joshua. Aaron some may know as Mush Rooms here on EC. He felt like I needed to protect him the more I got to know him. As I had him close to me on FB, that feeling got stronger until I was compelled to get to the bottom of the feeling I've had subconsciously for a few weeks. He was indeed my little brother from another lifetime.
Joshua I reached out to on EC because I saw him around and felt I had to talk to him. Much like how I met Wolf. It wasn't until Joshua added me on FB that a subconscious feeling of an older brotherly figure overwhelmed me. I thought I had been through enough brotherly reunions through way of how they feel to me to be able to determine we were brothers in the past. Although I am not certain, I'm sure Josh was my older brother from a lifetime or more. The feeling was strong, strong enough for me to notice it after a while, like I did with Aaron.
July-My sister Malisa and kiddies came to visit NYC from Oregon. I enjoyed their company, even though I spent the last couple of days sick. I got to show them my school, even just for a little bit and we hung out and had a lot of fun. My brother Eli wanted me to take a vacation to visit Oregon because I was complaining about being stressed in NYC, having been through so many months of schooling without so much as a month off for rest.
August-In August, I was excited to be flying back to Oregon, my first time in 8 years but as my luck would have it, my pain disease flared up causing me much more stress. After having chest pain for a while, my doctor decided he wanted to admit me to the hospital. For once, i did not fight him and said he could go ahead with the admission. I could use the vacation before the vacation. I was in there for a week for chest related pains. I had trouble breathing and was just very stressed out. They did NOT want me flying, but I insisted because I needed to relax if it was the last thing that happened to me.
I was discharged and left NYC for Oregon two days later. The beginning of my vacation was spent taking it easy, but the entire week long trip left me so relaxed that i decided this would be a state I would move to if I am fortunate enough to get a place of my own in a short amount of time. Fact is, I am in the process of doing all that now. Wish me luck, because NYC is no longer the place for me. It's not conducive to my health and I'm stressed 24/7 which is bad.
September-December-After vacation, I started a verrry intense, and very stressful semester of school. I went into this knowing I am closer to graduation and I ended it feeling like such a failure as my graduation has been delayed further until I can pass certain classes which is up in the air when that will be exactly. So much went wrong this semester that I just want to forget it like it's a bad memory. I want no further reminders of how shitty it was and just move on with my life.
As 2012 approaches, I can't help but feel this is the year that something big will happen related to my spiritual growth. I dunno what that something is, but if it means I can help more people with what I can do, then I feel I am ready for my evolution.
May 2012 be a year full of growth, prosperity, fun, happiness and more reunions for myself and all those I care about. I am glad to have discovered my place as middle sibling in a trio of soul brothers and found even more brothers from other lifetimes. Having brothers was always something I wanted. It was like a fantasy growing up, now it's a reality regardless of DNA.