I just dunno how to cope
It seems like all the good moments I have in life go by so very fast that it feels like time was frozen between bad moments resulting in the feeling that I go through pain and emotion more often than I should be. I have been around toxic feeling people who made me feel threatened many times in the past, but I never had to live with any of them. My roommate's girlfriend is the most toxic individual I have ever had the displeasure of feeling. The very sight of her brings on uneasiness, nervousness, the feeling of being threatened or intimidated and most importantly, I lose all desire for anything: eating, relaxing, etc. She can bring out a sickness in me just by showing up and I don't like that at all.
I've been told over and over again that he and her have been on again/off again for years, but he has expressed that they can NEVER be together the way they were before because of her actions in the past. I am confused because he has her over here damn near every night. She never goes home and when she does, it's for a couple hours and she's back here again. The house has been packed for days because of the Christmas holiday so in addition to his family, she was here as well as her daughter for 4 days straight. The air was so thick and suffocating because of her toxic energy and everyone else's that I had to go on a very brisk walk to clear my head. I didn't realize I walked probably an hour , 30 mins there and 30 mins back. Taking the bus along the route to the location I sought to meditate in showed me I walked a great distance.
I have had this conversation with him about how she makes me feel when she is here and that I don't like nor trust her. He asked me why. I can't tell him why I don't trust her. Whatever kind of person she is, is making me feel that side of her so he should be telling me why I don't trust her. It's not good when someone feels vindictive and I've had conversations with him where he tells me how jealous she can be, how crazy she can be, showing up at his work and making a scene(she's banned from his work), stealing his phone in the summertime. If all that isn't proof enough to you that she is off, then I truly believe they belong together. But to expose other people to her presence just because you want to cuddle or be intimate with her, or have her help him out by cleaning and doing his laundry, it's selfish. And at least I know I'm not wrong since he said his entire family can't stand her either. So if his whole family doesn't like her, imagine what it is about her that I don't know about.
Over Thanksgiving, I overheard him telling his cousin that she blew him off and wasn't answering texts or calls. It was obvious why she disappeared, he had his children here. She didn't want to have to share his attention with them. She wants him all to herself. She wasn't giving him time alone with his kids, she was jealous, hence why she didn't return his calls. How he could not see that is beyond me. He's very naive when it comes to women, or rather, her. He has admitted to me that he is a player and if he chooses to he will be with numerous women at the same time, once bragging that he was juggling 3 women. When we had our conversation about her, I warned him to be careful because I pick up on the vindictive nature that she has inside and it's not a good feeling at all. So before someone gets hurt, he should stop thinking about himself and think about everyone involved. With her here all the time, I don't even wanna talk to him cuz her energy is all over him and it just makes me want to go about my business and just avoid him for what I feel is sheer stupidity.
I've been burning candles to help with my meditation and cleansing of the air in my room. I've tried smudging in the past with sage but I don't think that helps other than making my room smell. It's gotten to the point now where she's here so much that I believe she lives here. I don't want to be in the same space as her. I've seen her quietly close his bedroom door when she saw that I was in the kitchen because she knows I don't like her. And something I've experienced in the past has happened again recently that totally pisses me off. I feel like sometimes when I don't wish to be around someone, I somehow become on the same wavelength as them. I can pray that I don't run into her or hope she isn't in the space I need to be in and as soon as I enter the kitchen, she's entering the kitchen, literally as I am. I don't believe in coincidences as things happen so often that it makes me believe something more is happening. That's happened to me so many times in the past where I did not want to cross paths with someone who was severely bugging me yet we somehow are leaving our rooms at the same moment and both entering the space that I need to be. I don't know if it's telepathy and I'm connecting to them somehow.