The Importance of Being Jonny

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My struggle with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

2013-08-25
By: The Importance of Being Jonny
Posted in:

I've gotten to the point in my life where the negative emotional experiences I go through has brought on PTSD symptoms. For about two years now, I've been living with what I was calling PTSD symptoms but, I'm realizing now, the way a memory can take me back to the moment of emotional scarring to the point where I'm scared of the memory, that I pretty much have PTSD. Though it may not be as severe as soldiers may get. I am in fact living life hiding this from people. It's not something I can just come out and say, although I have tried with my brother but like everything else, it was temporarily acknowledged and overlooked/forgotten.

I am a strong person. I believe we all are. Empaths are built to endure and survive pain. All types of pain. I've been through enormous pain in my life, but no matter what it was, I managed to get through it. My last two serious emotional encounters traumatized me. The first thing that happened to me in November of 2011 traumatized me. I have never been traumatized by anything in my life. Things have affected me, but I always moved on from it somehow. That incident messed me up because I was never the same person again. I knew it was time for me to move on with my life which is when I made the decision to move to Oregon and although I have forgiven the person who emotionally traumatized me, it was the beginning of a new type of trauma in my life that is not so simply resolved.

My new experience in Oregon was fresh and something I needed in my life until living with my landlord from hell traumatized me again to the point where I had to move. I've been in my new place for two months now, but the memories of dealing with my former landlord are still fresh in my mind and even though I am beyond her, a simple memory takes me right back and it leaves me feeling scared and hurt like I'm reliving the experience. I dunno how this happened or if it's a test that God thinks I need to find a way to overcome, but it's another struggle in my life and it's debilitating me.

I love my new place and my roommate and I are great friends, but as a way of protecting myself from any future harm, I feel it's absolutely necessary to have a discussion with him about who I am and what I go through. One thing he told me the day i met him was he doesn't like for there to be tension between himself and someone else he is living with, and after my last domestic situation, I feel we have a certain relationship where it would be ok for me to discuss this part of my life with him simply because we live together and I don't ever want to go through something empath-related and I am just so alone and in need of an outstretched arm to help me through my crisis. I've been thinking of how I can tell him so many things about me that I keep secret. I've been thinking of what to say and how I am going to say it for almost a month now. The other day in his room, I was on the verge of telling him I had something to tell him but I was terrified. I feel this is necessary because I dunno if I can survive another experience where things blow up in my face and get so bad that the memories are causing PTSD within me.

This has been my struggle for the last two years now and I wanted to share it where I feel comfortable being who I am. I cannot share this with family as they have all shown me they aren't equipped to handle this kind of crisis. I don't have friends who are close to me and care that much. And Facebook, that's just a whole lotta real that I don't feel comfortable sharing with a majority of people I don't even talk to. No matter what I go through in life, I keep the realization in my mind that I am a survivor. I've been through various low points in my life and I've gotten through every single one of them and I know it will just take a while until I survive my current crisis.

Jonny

The Importance of Being Jonny
08/30/13 10:59:59AM @the-importance-of-being-jonny:

Thanks Jackie.


ren mcquiston
09/23/13 08:39:15AM @ren-mcquiston:
Hi Jonny. I too feel like I suffer from PTSD. Went through an extremely emotionally scarring period a little over two years ago and I haven't been the same since then. Its like even the smallest incident can send me into a tailspin, back into the pain and memories of that time and I find myself reliving all of it as if it is fresh and I'm in the middle of it again. its just as painful as the first time. Maybe even more so, because I feel like I should have moved past it by now. I too am a resilient person but have been unable to move past this emotionally. I understand what happened but my normal abilities to deal with it are compromised. I don't know why and the only thing that makes sense is PTSD. I've had a hard time accepting that because my brother, formerly in the military, was severely wounded in battle and suffers from it. Hard to accept that what I went through is anywhere near painful and traumatic as what he's gone through, but it was. Pain is pain, I suppose. I guess what I'm having the hardest time dealing with is the fear that I will find myself in the same situation again. The fear is seriously affecting me, my decisions, my relationships... everything. I realize that fear is standing in my way. All I can do to try to move past it is to talk about it, but putting it into words, labeling it makes it smaller and less overwhelming. I guess it gives me power over it to some extent, rather than it being a huge, undefined feeling of dread. But I will be the first to admit that it still overwhelms me when it comes on unexpectedly.I hope that we can both find the support we need to get through this crisis. You're not alone in this. All we can do is try and live ourselves enough to realize that we will be okay, eventually. Have trust in your ability to survive it.Best wishes to you.Ren
The Importance of Being Jonny
09/23/13 11:02:53AM @the-importance-of-being-jonny:

I'm glad you were able to talk about it, Ren. I know exactly what you feel but like you said, finding ways to talk about it helps. I know it helped me a little because I was able to put how I feel into words that I find trouble doing when I speak aloud. I'll be your support if you need it. :)

Blessed be,

Jonny


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