The Importance of Being Jonny

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I'm torn

2012-03-10
By: The Importance of Being Jonny
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I love making friends and being with loved ones, however, it's all a mix for disappointment and lately I vow to avoid it all to protect myself from the same result which always happens.

I go through semesters sometimes vowing to keep to myself, but by mid semester, at least 3 have befriended me when I didn't want that. I get why it happens but I can't avoid it sometimes. Many times I just wanna be left alone but that's impossible. When I make great friends, I feel their closeness to me. I have one friend who looks up to me and I met him last semester around October or so. I feel his passion and I feel like an older brother to him and he always asks for advice and stuff. We're talking about girls, specifically, a girl he likes and vice versa. I never thought I'd be the one someone came to for advice on girls, but it's happening.

Then there are those who befriend me and want to hang out. I avoid hanging out because I'm socially awkward, especially around people and it's just a disaster about to happen. When I reject a proposal, I feel so bad that I try to make up for it by...planning an event to hang out. Then when I may not hear from them, I feel I did or said something to weird them out and it goes back to how I didn't want to feel in the first place. So whether I want to be closer to someone or they want to be closer to me, I feel I should just remain silent and avoid interaction because I seemingly, no matter how hard I DON'T TRY, weird these people out subconsciously and I didn't want to do that.

So I look at relationships all around me and I cry because I'm torn and I'm trapped in a void where I can't escape people being drawn to me by me simply being quiet and me wanting to be closer to people. When I feel myself growing closer to someone, it hurts like a dagger to the heart to watch them leave me. And mostly, it happens in a silent, but deadly way: Facebook. I grow close to so many people I dunno in real life and when I find out they've deleted me, I can't help but feel sad that I did something to offend them. I'm a nice person and I know I can be weird, especially with my humor, but I honestly dunno what I did or what I do that scares people off.

Now and then I may decide to go into hiding for a few months. I did just that from Late November til my birthday on February 8th. Only 2 people really bothered to comment or message me privately to ask if I was okay. That warmed my heart because it showed that people do care even if I believe no one does.

I hate this part of me that wants to be close to everyone. I hate it with a passion because I feel it's a weakness. It leads me to getting hurt, but I've accepted that it's who I am and I can't change it or avoid it because I will always see the same results. As much as it warms my heart to read such good things, I don't want people saying they miss me, or telling me I'm a good friend because it will only make me want to say the same which leads to my feelings growing and ultimately getting hurt again.

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