I dunno where to begin
As I grow as an empath and as a spiritual being, I am learning to deal with stress the right way. I have not been doing such a good job. I've been on a constant stress ride since last September and September is here yet again.
Over the course of the year, I haven't been taking it easy and I've been making myself sick in the process. This summer hasn't been as relaxing as it should have been since I had summer school, dealt with pain on two occasions, went into the hospital for a week because of the pain and from there I went on vacation. It made all the stress go away.
As I am about to enter a new semester of school tomorrow, I wonder if I am ready to deal with the same stressors again as they are presented in front of me. I believe God put me in the hospital because he knows how stubborn I can be. I wouldn't know how to relax if you put me in Hawaii.
Even though I was sick, I wasn't ill. I was still able to walk and get around, but if I did not take a break from life, it would have gotten worse.
The weekend before I went to see my doctor, I had been very depressed and manic. I am not a diagnosed bi polar, but I show symptoms sometimes and it scares me. This is new and has been happening because I am a basket case nearly daily and I don't know how to take it easy. I don't take anxiety medication, I am rarely relaxed. After that weekend was done, and Monday showed up, I went to the doctor for medication about my chest pain.
My primary doctor was on vacation at the time but I was told to come in to see the one who was on call. I didn't need to say much about what was bothering me. He made his decision, and that was to admit me for hydration and medication. As I was dealing with chest pain, they wanted to make sure I was okay, especially since I had been stressing out so much about preparing for vacation, which was ultimately pushed back 2 weeks because I got sick.
I usually fight all doctors at all times when it comes to being admitted to the hospital. I have a busy life and I can't just drop things for hospitalization. As much as my health means to me, I couldn't see myself surrendering to depression because I am not at home and active. However, this time I gave up. I said okay. Admit me. I didn't want to fight any longer. I just wanted rest and I knew a stay at the hospital would be the proper rest I needed. He promised me it wouldn't be more than a 2 days stay, but I was there for a week as usual.
When I have pain, I panic because I know it's not gonna go away in a minute's time. I was so depressed that I had made myself sick that I was afraid to write my brother about it, as he paid for my ticket to Oregon for vacation. Since I don't fly, I didn't know he could cancel or push the flight back. But because I am emotional and my health is tied to my emotions, I couldn't help but say I am so sorry for wasting his money. His response made me feel better emotionally, but I was still hurting physically.
After the hospital, I went home for two days before I began my journey to Oregon for vacation. It was just what I needed and it relaxed me in ways I couldn't even imagine. I am considering moving there in the near future as I don't have a life here in NYC and I feel lost and alone.
I'd finally realized that if I am to be the empath I am meant to be and the person I am meant to be, it will not happen here because of the stress I endure daily. It was an awakening that I had to go through to finally see that I am not happy. I will be hurting a lot by leaving, but if this works out for me, they must understand it is not for their happiness, it is for mine. I am holding myself back in ways I couldn't even articulate.
Since summer school I've been collecting healing crystals and stones that will aid me in the healing process and block out all the negativity I feel and absorb. I hope I learn enough about them and they learn enough about me so we can work together for maintaining my healing, because I need it.
This semester is going to be my toughest one yet as I am taking classes I don't think I will enjoy and are required. I'm also going to be going 4 days a week so the stress will be constant, but I know I have powerful beings around me at all times who know I can do anything I put my mind to. I plan to do well and I will try to live in the present and stop dwelling in the future as I constantly do.
I am scared at what I am becoming sometimes because I feel overwhelmed from all that I feel. Part of me cannot believe this is my life now, part of me thinks this is all a dream that I will wake up from any minute now. I just want to be my best so I can do my best. I want to make my angel proud. I don't want to feel like a hot mess and feel manic, and feel paranoid like I often do. I am someone who is surprisingly strong willed, but I often crack under the pressure.
I want my future from here on out to be a positive one and not filled with stress on a daily occurrence. I know now that I make myself sick because I dunno how to handle my stress. But I am trying to the best of my ability and I hope that after August 2011, I can evolve to something so much stronger, the way I was meant to all along.