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Cheshire Cat

people pleasing

By: Rosie333
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Dear All,

Just came across a site where one could 'recover' from being a people pleaser. Very interesting I thought, as I feel that this world would be a better place if more people could become 'people pleasers'. In traditional societies children are taught to value their place in the tribe and to think in terms of the collective, the greater good. As long as one has constructive methods of self assertiveness when needed and is able to nourish the self as well as others, people pleasing is not a drawback, in fact it may be the answer to the 'me first' mentality which is not working well for humanity

Cheshire Cat
07/10/16 10:27:52AM @cheshire-cat:


Thanks for posting this. It made me think. People pleasing was literally killing me, and I had to stop, but I just realized from reading this that it was not the people pleasing itself that was hurting me so badly, it was that it was NOT RECIPROCAL.

Pleasing others made me feel good and I miss it, but I was constantly being used and abused and none of the folks who constantly claimed to love me like a sister and be my friend for life were ever there when I needed pleasing in return.

It was all about them, and once I was no longer needed, either as a place to dump on, a free shrink, or a place to brag about themselves while never asking me a single thing about myself, I ceased to exist.

I could not take the pain anymore. Now, once I realize I've attracted yet another one of those, which is still happening all the time, I simply cut it off, and as a result, I spend most of my time alone. So, I find myself agreeing with you, as long as it works BOTH ways.

07/10/16 06:10:07PM @rosie333:

Dear Cheshire Cat,

As an empath we seem to have different rules than most others. This is to love everyone unconditionally in most instances. This sets a good example for others who can see that people who are loved perform better in their jobs, kids grow up with more confidence and people are able to heal and reach their greatest potential when treated this way. So as we go about our daily business of being such an example we must nurture ourselves and choose our friendships wisely as you say reciprocity is vital so that we can recharge our batteries.

07/10/16 09:51:41PM @rosie333:

ps. dear Cheshire cat, I have just done the famous Four colour personality test and came out Green, a helper/supporter. Apparently this test is conducted by many major corporations to assess their employees suitablity. I wonder if you keep attracting people who want your help if you have this personality profile. You can do a free test online, if you are game! :)

Cheshire Cat
07/11/16 06:02:32AM @cheshire-cat:

Hi Rosie333,

I've not done that test, but did do an aura one, since mine is mostly green, which in that case meant "depleted energy". Bingo. I work 12 hrs. a day, 7 days a week, but if I have time, I will look for the Famous Four test and check it out. Thanks. I'm not surprised corporations use it. I know they use the MBTI a lot. I lost out on a job once due to a handwriting analysis they did on me.....wouldn't tell me why, lol.

Cheshire Cat
07/11/16 08:31:36AM @cheshire-cat:

The link to the "Famous Four" test did not work from their home page, and I got an error, this link does not exist message, so I took 3 other similiar tests, since this morning has been dead at work, so I had time. The tests were different and had a different set of four colors. I got 2 Blues and one Orange. One of the tests, which claimed to be related to the test you refer to about employment style, gave me a Blue type. There was no green type on the test that I came out as Orange on. I did read all the types and most of it fit me on all of them.....maybe I'm just wishy-washy, lol.

07/12/16 12:38:53AM @rosie333:

Hi Cheshire Cat, The link is It is the free colour test, that was originally formulated by psychologist and medical intuitive Carol Ritberger. A bit of every colour, how cool a rainbow child!

Carol has her own website too I discovered today and it is very interesting I might add, I may have to look further into it. The Myers-Briggs is that the test you were referring to? What did you think of it? In my last job I was interviewed using the Disc style personality test. A great book Taking Flight has been published to help people better understand personaity (disc) styles and it was great as it helped be more tolerant of peoples differences and more appreciative of their talents and skills. Sorry to here you didn't get the job due to analysis of your handwriting. Was it too artistic, stylistic or like mine just plain messy, perfect for medical script writing lol

Blessings R

Cheshire Cat
07/12/16 08:02:39AM @cheshire-cat:

Hi Rosie333,

At 365tests, once I found the color test, when I clicked to take it, it gave me a result that I recognized which I must have gotten to somehow on another link yesterday instead of the actual test, so I am a Blue type. My aura may be green due to depletion as I said, since I am very ill with Lyme Disease.

I will go back later and take some more.....there are some very interesting looking and fun tests on there, thanks so much for the link and also for the book recommendation.

Yes, I was referring to the Myers-Briggs, the anagram for which is MBTI. I like it and the Enneagram test, though the Kiersey is also good. I've not heard of the Disc test. I think MBTI is invaluable for understanding others and knowing what you need in your relationships and what careers you might need to be in to be happy, as opposed to what we often think/dream we want when we are young. Now that I'm older, I understand how important knowing what you need is, as opposed to what you want. This reminds me of a Rolling Stones song "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might get what you need". Giving away my age! ;-)

My MBTI type is INFJ, the rarest type, but not rare at all here at the EC, as we found out when we did a survey awhile back. That makes sense, as it is supposed to be the most intuitive type. What is yours, and have you taken the enneagram?


C. Cat

P.S. My handwriting way back when I did not get the job due to it's analysis, was very even, mid-sized, and rounded, firm pressure, slightly right leaning. I was curious after that, and paid about $15 to have it analyzed on my own to find out what would be said. It was pretty good, except that it said my childhood had left me so damaged that I had not developed certain parts of myself at all and "we cannot emphasize this enough". My childhood was not that bad at all compared to most of the stories I've seen here at EC, and the older I get, the more I appreciate my parents and wish they were still around so I could tell them, so am not sure about how legit that was. So, it's still a mystery, but back then jobs were plentiful and I got one shortly thereafter.

07/12/16 04:47:57PM @lavenderrose:

I think you are misunderstanding the term 'people pleaser'.

07/12/16 06:15:17PM @rosie333:

Dear Lavender and rose, just looked up def, (thank you for your comment) and it said Dr Susan Newman social psychologist, refers to people pleasing as wanting everyone around them to be happy and doing everything they can to keep it that way. Putting others first, being roped into doing things for others and having difficulty saying no, and helping out to such a level that one could make oneself ill looking after everyone else and not nurturing the self. I find myself in that category, I can't stand conflict around me, I act as a mediator in those situations, I feel other's pain and usually think of other's needs before my own as well as feel guilty when I say no. I have learned that I am a Green on Dr Carol Ritberger's colour personalty scale ( helper/supporter) and tips for individuals like myself are to learn how to confront others effectively when needed. So I have been studying "Everyone can win" a non-power based book on assertiveness to help express myself and my needs better in confrontation.

So my no's are getting better. The comment on my post on people pleasing was to stimulate discussion as I know I sometimes feel that when my efforts at making others happy is not met with appreciation or reciprocity, I should just give up and focus on number 1. However experience has taught me that making people happy before oneself can also be of great benefit )as a manager in the workplace, mother and friend. So I just wanted to say as a collective if we think of others needs more than or as much as our own, we can go back to the values of more traditional societies where people think of the greater good.

cheers R

07/12/16 07:27:20PM @rosie333:

Hi Cheshire Cat

I'm impressed! The diplomat, Martin Luther King eg, boy do we need more people like you! Great to know lots of people on this site came up with this rare personality type. By the way now I know why people naturally gravitate to you for seeking help. The green aura is the one which emanates from true healers. It is said that people with this aura can walk through a hospital room and instantly make people feel better. So sorry to hear you are so sick with Lyme's and have to work SO hard and such long hours my heart goes out to you. I wanted to ask you if you have considered joining a FB support group for this condition as I am in various health groups and they have great info. Icame out as the Enthusiast, eg Ellen Degeneres and one of our weaknesses is people pleasing... (so I need to remember to nourish self and not make decisions at my own expense, if possible),. Great to have opened the door to personality tests once again, Thank you very much for your contribution to this blog. ( I still think you have Lots of green) and the test site is a bit sneaky as you cant get away from the first test result you have done on colour no matter where.

Light and Love R

Cheshire Cat
07/13/16 07:29:48AM @cheshire-cat:

Hi Rosie333,

I used to be a diplomat, but I am at the incurable stage. It's in my brain and I have Lyme Rage and hide from people now so I don't hurt them with my explosive anger. I've had Lyme for 30 yrs. and used to run a 3-city support group. I am not a Facebook kind of person and have no interest in it, but I do wish I could access some of their info groups, w/o having all of my info taken by the govt. and w/o the shallow popularity games. I also have very little free time. I have about 6 hrs. of medical maintenance per day, plus running the business. I think there is a thin line between being compassionate to others and being a doormat, so I see your view as well as Lavender&rose's on this. The diplomat again! I agree with both of you. My view is if we all pleased each other, without having to suppress who we are or hurt ourselves in the process, that would be wonderful. In reality, that is seldom what I see. We appear to have a world of duality, of givers and takers. That you see this too and are working on finding that perfect sweet spot where you can help others w/o it being at your own expense is very admirable. Eliminating this duality will require a rise in the vibrational frequency of our consciousness, but that is another blog entirely, lol. Have a great day.

07/13/16 06:33:49PM @rosie333:

Dear Cheshire cat

What can you do if you are a born/helper ENFP! The doormat which people trample on when they enter your energy field. The trouble is that many people believe in power games and that there seems to be unspoken rules (a pecking order) amongst groups of people. The most dominant become the leaders and others who are not as powerful love to follow the leader, even if the leader is insensitive towards others feelings. There are few really compassionate leaders, that why we need the Martin Luther Kings. A friend and I had a discussion about relationships and doormats. She said she would not like a doormat husband and I said wow there would be nothing better than 2 doormats in a relationship! Hoping to meet another doormat soon lol.Just thinking about your illness, its sounds horrendous. I was wondering if you have thought of UV blood irradiation, N-acteyl cysteine and Herb Robert. These three things came to mind, NAC is a super powerful antioxidant and has been used for a huge variety of conditions including mental symptoms. I am going to grow herb Robert in a month or so when the weather warms up as I have rheumatoid arthritis in both knees and cant walk very well. I am a member of the magnesium advocacy group on FB and just the other day a couple of group members said they didn't like FB so they changed their profile to a made up name, changed their email and got 4 friends to continue to access the information of the group. Just sayin... Hoping the consciouness of the earth's people is rising, like the Schuman resonance, so I try to remember the monkey story. When one monkey changes something about their behaviour somehow or rather an unseen force is at work and other monkeys far away also strangely develop those abilities. Also the children being born now and since the 80s resonate at a higher frequency according to social ecologist Gubanov (the Indigos etc). Let's hope that the the duality can become blurred at least in our lifetime.

Light and Love R

Cheshire Cat
07/13/16 09:09:19PM @cheshire-cat:

Hi Rosie333,

That last post was full of good stuff, and I don't mean Mr. Robert either. ;-)

My first love was ENFP and he was a leader, an entrepreneur and college guru. They even ran him for Mayor against his will, lol. I like ENFPs. Fly your flag proudly!

I've been taking NAC daily for years. It can be dangerous with amalgams still in, but I can't have them out, so I take it anyway. I also take Mg 4 x daily. Never done UV blood irradiation. Samento (Cowden Protocol) was the best.....did it for 4 yrs. Our only Local LLMD is into HBOT. I'd have to rob a bank to do that one.

I hope Robert can help your RA. Lyme and RA have a lot of crossover, as well as the Lyme vaccine they took off the market because it caused RA; happened to a friend of ours.

I am sorry about your walking. I have a cane for getting out of bed and limp from foot deformities caused by the malnutrition Lyme creates, but as long as I take addictive, memory robbing muscle relaxers I can walk. Hell of a trade off. I hope you don't get any worse. I've heard an anti-inflammatory diet can help RA a lot, but I'm sure you've tried that by now.

Thanks for the work around FB tip too. Not sure about post 80s kids....not the ones I know anyway. Hope you know different ones than I do, lol. Duality is already blurred for me and I think it can all happen in our lifetimes. I hope so. Really getting impatient.

I think 2 doormats would be better together than two control freaks together, but we hardly ever see that. Seems like opposites attract. I have to go to bed an hour ago, ha!

Thanks for such an interesting discussion.

'C. cat

07/13/16 10:57:00PM @rosie333:


Kit Kat
07/13/16 11:11:00PM @kit-kat:

I know, I've always felt this backlash from others of "you shouldn't just tell people what they want to hear," and "you're too nice."

But it seems like what people want to hear is often what they need to hear...

07/13/16 11:32:47PM @rosie333:

Dear Kit Kat, I totally agree with you.So important to tell people what they want to hear. In my last job I was a vocational trainer and the best way to help motivate people is by focusing on their talents and abilities rather than their shortcomings. I think people not only want to hear these 'nice' things they need to hear them in order to anchor themselves in their efforts to try harder in things they find challenging. Too nice, well there is nothing better than being welcomed by someone 'nice' . Its like being outside in the freezing cold winter and entering the warmth of an open fireplace. It reminds me of the time when I went to Eastern Europe, there were a lot of long faces on the streets until I entered my great Aunt's home where she showered me with such lovely old fashioned hospitality. Stay nice, its the only way! :)

Love and light R