By Retrogirl, 2010-08-20
By Retrogirl, 2010-08-18
By Retrogirl, 2010-08-07
By Retrogirl, 2010-07-18
By Retrogirl, 2010-07-16
By Retrogirl, 2010-06-07
The patriarch of our company died on Saturday. =( I'm not too sad because I didn't know him well. I did know him, and I liked him a lot. He was that old school kind of guy ~ hard working, tough, sometimes demanding. I like that. He had character. He turned 81 on Friday. Up until he suffered a complications from a bad fall in December, he still came into the office every day, much to the chagrin of his son who had a completely different way of running things, felt he wasn't totally in control, and that he was being undermined at times. This business was his pride & joy. He built it from the ground up, with his bare hands. I have so much respect for that. Bye Gino, I know you're ready to move onto bigger & better things, but you will be missed. :*)
Truthfully, I've been living in fear of this day. I hate funerals. At least now I understand WHY I hate them so much. There's so much raw emotion I'm trying to keep away, plus I've never been good in touchy-feely situations. Actually, I wouldn't mind it if it weren't for... dah dah dah... the dreaded reception line. I say & do completely inappropriate things. Incidentally, it's the same thing I hate about weddings. I feel the need to maintain social standards & attend such things even though I make a complete fool of myself in the process, accomplishing the very thing I was hoping to avoid ~ making people thinking I'm weird. I'm hoping this one will go better now that I understand what's happening. I still don't like crying in public, which could be tricky. Hopefully I'll be able to drive over to Cole Harbour one day at lunch to stock up on CALM pills. Hmmm... I wonder if they'd be open Thursday morning before the funeral?? That would be the best time to go. Then I could actually look around a bit, although that might be dangerous to my pocket book!
This also brings to fruition a premonition I experienced with my empath friend while we were working together in the sample room. I wish I had a better record of it, but bf has had a VERY detrimental effect on my blogging. Anyway, I'll have to go by memory. It went *something* like this: my friend said, "Do you see that?" And I looked up, my eyes swivvelled around, and I almost ducked, but there was no reason for it. I didn't see or feel anything. She said, "I just saw a crow, and you followed its path exactly with your eyes. I thought you saw it too!" I knew right then it was an omen that Gino was dying, but I didn't want it to be, so I tried to deny it. We talked about it, though. She was sure it was an omen. A week or two later, we were driving somewhere on lunch, and there was a massive flock of crows on the ground. I mean massive. We had discussed at some point the fact that a group of crows is called a "murder" because traditionally, seeing a flock of them is a portent of death. Now, I adore crows, and I feel like that gives them a bad name. However, it also appears to be true. Right around this time, (I can't say exactly cause I didn't keep a record) Gino was on a fishing trip, and suffered a fall. Other than some nasty bruises, he was given a clean bill of health, and after a short rest, was still hobbling into the office. So, I thought the whole crow thing wasn't actually a sign at all. Then, about 6 weeks later in December, Gino went into a coma. We learned that is was a complication of the fall he'd suffered earlier, around the time we'd seen the crows. He did come around, but he wasn't the same after that. He had to be put in a nursing home. He had his good days. But, I think Peter was leading us to believe he was in better health than he was. Now I'm certain what the crows were saying was true, as much as I tried to believe otherwise.
This makes me reevaluate my friendship with my empath friend who's been on my shit list lately. I know I like the "real" part of her. It's all her personas I can't deal with. I understand those parts of her were created because, just like me, she was overwhelmed by life, and she needed to cope. I guess it's that our personas don't get along. When I got her a job here, I also was given a sign ~ birds that bear her name flocked to me for a whole day. Birds who are normally rather solitary. I saw bunches of them, and knew it was a sign. I was a little confused when things didn't exactly work out. I guess there's still hope.
By Retrogirl, 2010-05-14
By Retrogirl, 2010-05-06
I can feel something is happening, a deep transformation is taking place. The issues coming up are parental ones, core issues. Things I've been crying about my whole life, but never feeling like I could get anywhere. I couldn't release the roots, so they just made me sad over and over again. The sadness is the same, but it actually feels like I'm releasing the roots this time. For the last couple of weeks, I've been crying at the drop of a hat. Normally I get like this for a couple of days every month, but it hasn't gone away this time. I can feel there is definitely movement in the right direction, but I've been saying that for about 3 years. I know I've been getting a little bit stronger every day, it's just that the increments have been so small, I was terrified of how long it would take to get me where I need to go. I've been desperate to somehow speed up the process because it didn't make logical sense to me that there was nothing I could do. I didn't want it to take this long. It's been torturous in the meantime, but I feel this is what my spirit guide was trying to show me ~ You're not ready now, but you will be & in the meantime, just make the best of it. Well, when you're stuck in a situation that's making you deeply unhappy & you know what the solution is, it's very difficult to trust that that's what you need to be doing ~ nothing. It goes against everything I was taught as a human being. I wanted to do anything to get there quicker, but I was still mindful that I wasn't somehow stopping or reversing any progress that was happening. It felt like I was trying to cut a massive rubber cord, and everything I tried to do would just bounce off.
For the first time in a few years, I feel hopeful about the situation. How do I know something's happening? Because my anger finally had some bite to it this weekend. I'm starting to feel my weakness transform back into the power I know it should be. It was so frustrating saying something with all my might, only to have it drop to the ground, with no effect. I couldn't understand it. It had always been my last line of defense, and very effective. I was normally very shy & rather quiet, but if someone backed me into a corner, my inner lion would come out & ROAR. I could tear a strip off someone that made people afraid to ever talk to me again! It surprised even me. It wasn't in a mean way, usually. All I would do is basically use my empathic gift (although at the time, I didn't know what it was) & take their emotional inventory, and tell them the truth about themselves, which is something most people run away from, screaming in terror. Very effective. I only had the courage to do this when I felt like I had no other options. But, when bf came along, and I started to realize the relationship wasn't working for me, I did what I've always done, and saved up my resentments until I couldn't deal with it anymore, and they came raining down. To my utter shock & dismay, my usual tactics had no effect on him. I gave him some verbal pummellings that would leave most people in the fetal position, every bit of it he deserved too. Nothing. Of course, I started out trying to reason with him, and tell him MY truth in the situation, which is also normally very effective. Most people don't want to hurt anyone, especially someone they care about, and when they're made aware of that, they usually back off. Somehow, bf managed to believe the only reason I was telling him these things was because I was angry. Therefore, he didn't believe, or chose not to believe I was telling him the truth. He thought I was just saying things to hurt him out of anger, like he does. Like when he threatened to burn my house down, and slash my tires. Why would I think he meant any of that?? He just says those things when he's angry. Silly me. The difference is, I meant everything I said when I was angry. It was the rest of the time I was lying!! It's like he was able to find the weak spot no one else had found, and he grabbed it like a pitbull, holding on for all he was worth. I couldn't shake him, no matter how hard I tried. When I did all the logical things, like try to break up with him, it felt wrong. I tried very hard to get confirmation that what my guide was telling me was right, but I couldn't. I seemed to be getting the same story from everyone I turned to, in direct opposition to what my guide(s) were saying. It's something I've experienced my whole life, so I'm used to it. I actually believe those people were telling me their truth, it wasn't a case of bad advice, I believe they were being guided to give me that misleading advice because I needed to learn to follow my own guidance, no matter what. I think this will be a key factor in pursueing my life's purpose.
The one person I was really disapointed in was my empath friend, R. I was really hoping she'd be able to help me with the situation, mostly just as a sounding board. Out of anyone, I really needed her to believe me, believe that I wasn't just weak and incapable of uttering the words "Get out", that this situation had a spiritual purpose behind it. I know she never fully believed it. She pretended to. I don't know why she thought for a second I wouldn't be able to see right through that. I think she felt very threatened by my weakness because it made her realize that she had weak spots too. She couldn't handle that, so she chose to believe that in the same situation, this couldn't possibly happen to her, that somehow I was to blame for my situation. She did try to help me by telling her bf (our bf's are brothers) things (that I'd asked her not to tell anyone) so that he might try to sway his brother into breaking up. She said stuff about me to my bf, too, while he was over there in my absence, mean stuff. I don't know exactly what was said, and I don't want to know. I understand what she was trying to do, and she was trying to help me, but I could feel in my bones that she meant those things she had said. That was how she honestly viewed me. It was the beginning of the end of our friendship. I knew that if she couldn't see the real me, or at least believe that I was telling her the truth, we had no real future in ways we'd planned, like going into business together. Trust and understanding are really key for me, and it was clear we had none. There were other things she didn't believe me about either, ridiculous things, like the fact that I used to wear very stylish clothes, and high heels when I was younger. After I got into tile, my wardrobe did go downhill, but I just didn't care about it anymore. Been there, done that. I gained so much weight after I got together with bf that none of them fit me anymore, either, which was a real sore spot for me, and for a long time, shopping for new clothes was just too depressing, so I avoided it. She really has no clue what that's like because she's very thin, and very young, and she has her own food issues. It was hard for me to talk about it because *I* knew that the minute I was single again, I would lose the weight (and at the time, I felt like that would be happening soon). I tried to explain to her that after the last diet I was on, I decided it just wasn't worth it. It makes me torturously miserable. I enjoy certain kinds of excercise, but my emotional state has a very strong bearing on my physical state. When I feel down, which is how I've felt for most of the time in this relationship, it's like I have a 200lb. weight strapped to my back. It makes it very hard for me to do anything physical. When I'm happy, I feel like I'm walking on air, and excercise is effortless. I KNOW she didn't believe me about that!! She thought I was lazy, and just making excuses. Working in construction ruined my knees, so my desire to wear high heels was close to nonexistent. Oh yeah, she didn't believe me about that either! When my knees were sore it was because I wasn't taking my glucosamine pills regularly, but I'm positive she thought they were sore because I was fat, and again, I was just making excuses. Sheesh! It's no wonder I feel better now that she's gone! I started becomming aware that she was not a good person for me to be around almost a year ago. Just like when I'm unhappy, somebody around me who thinks negative things about me weighs me down, like each negative thought is a brick I have to carry (and the opposite is also true of someone who thinks positively about me, it makes me feel weightless.) You know, it's no wonder I've always had such a hard time with people disliking me, because it has an actual physical effect on me! Wow. Back to the topic at hand...
I was well aware of my weak spot for a long time. As long as no one else could see it (and therefore abuse it), I was OK. I kept it well hidden, and no one seemed to be able to find it. I thought I was safe. When I moved to Nova Scotia, it was like going from a photo negative to a full colour picture. Things were the same, yet completely different at the same time. Things I had previously known to be true weren't valid anymore. I felt alive, really for the first time in my life. I wanted to try everything all over again because so many things had changed. Unfortunately, not everything, but I threw caution to the wind and ended up in a situation where I was over my head. *Could* I have protected myself from it? I don't know. I should've stayed single for the last 5 years ~ I was being told I wasn't ready. I should've listened. But, I was single for only a year, and I was incredibly frustrated because THAT seemed like too long to me. I didn't think there was anything I could get into that I couldn't find my way out of, eventually. Although, in my mind, eventually was about 2 years. 3 if it was really bad. Boy was I wrong! And I didn't consider this situation particularly threatening. I had taken precautions. My best friend is his cousin, and somehow, I thought knowing people in his family would be able to protect me. Was I wrong about that too! Being single for 5 years was unthinkable to me at the time, because it made me feel like there was something wrong with me. I wouldn't have been able to stave off the depression. It would've consumed me. Being in this relationship has cured me of needing to be in one ever again. Not wanting one, but NEEDING one. I wish it could cure me of the desire too. Oh well! You can't win 'em all.
I can feel the life seeping back into my pores. I've been catching glimpses of it for the last month or so, even when bf was around which was a new twist, but it was so fleeting. Now, I can really feel it coming back. I finally have hope. I understand how healing this weak spot could be very important to my future. If I'm going to be dealing with demons & dark forces, they can easily exploit things like that. Even though I've felt a strong affinity for this kind of work for a long time, there was something holding me back, and I believe this was it. So, I do believe this was an important step in my spiritual training, even if it did totally suck. I was aware of that while I was going through it, but being able to believe it was predicated on my being able to get out of it. That prospect was starting to look dim, which is what was worrying the hell out of me. I'm very confident now that things will work out somehow. I don't know how, and I don't know what the future will look like, but I finally feel like it's on the up & up.