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Just another layer of the onion

By Retrogirl, 2010-08-20
I've been having a really rough go of things lately. A lot of old emotions are coming up, and I realize these are things I never dealt with. I just get tired of doing it. Your reward for all the crap you've gone through is more crap. Then, this morning it hit me ~ this is stuff that's related to the sexual abuse. That's why it's so angry & gross & makes me feel nauseous. Yes, I do have extra challenges when it comes to relationships because of it. Normal people don't feel this way when they fall in love. They get the butterflies, and all the rest of it, but they don't get the other stuff, the nausea, the panic. I mean, they do, but it's minimal compared to the fun stuff. For me, it's the opposite. The fun stuff ends up being such a minimal part that it's overwhelming.
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Psychic Fair

By Retrogirl, 2010-08-18
I went to this "wellness" fair in the spring. It's taken me until now to be able to talk about it. It was in a small town, 20 minutes from the city, in a little community centre. I was surprised at how many good booths & displays there were. The part I didn't like was that I could feel many of the people at the booths shielding themselves from me. I was trying to purchase a book from one woman who outright ignored me. I tried to talk to a practitioner who was obviously trying to get rid of me. It really, really hurt. I guess what hurts the most is that I believe they're right, I need to be protected against.

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The MAN party!!!

By Retrogirl, 2010-08-07
So, BF has been planning on attending this MAN party for months now. I was "warned"! Originally, it was starting on Friday & going ALL weekend, until Sunday night. Well, I've been looking forward to this since its inception. I NEED time to myself. Even if I wanted him around, I would still need time to myself!! Well, needless to say, it was too good to be true.

Are you kidding me?!? I don't know what the hell just happened. I had a huge post written out, and I pressed a wrong button ~ gone. Poof! Unbelievable.

I have all these thoughts swirling around in my head, and they need an outlet!!! I've been feeling like I need to make a plan for my future, where I want to go, what I'd like to do. I don't know if it's just because I'm getting older (I hear the career clock ticking!), or because I've been sailing along unable to take control, and now the forces in my life are getting clearer, so I've got a better handle on things and feel like I can finally decide things in a concrete way, OR if it's part of the whole changeing energy on the planet, and this is part of the new 'way'. I don't know. I keep stumbling over the fact that none of it matters if I can't get rid of bf. I *guess* I'm being asked to look beyond that, as if it didn't exist. I know my job is not my purpose in life, but it still feels like the right place for me to be. I don't think I want to be there too long. Transitions are never easy for me. I guess I'd really like to explore Halifax's healing community & hopefully find my place in it before jumping into any work in that field.

I would really like to take self defense classes, too. A single girl can never be too careful. It's an intimidating prospect because I feel like it'll take so long to learn, but then 2 years go by, and I think, "if I'd started that 2 years ago, I'd probably be able to do it now!!" That's something I feel I need to bite the bullet on & just do it. There's a karate studio just a couple of streets away from me. I think they offer adult classes too. I took karate a bit when I was like 12, and it wasn't great. I don't like being in a situation like that with strangers. It's just really hard for me on many levels. But necessary.

I'd like to do past life readings for people & make some money at it. See, whenever money gets involved, it makes me take things way too seriously, like I have to be very accurate, and give details beyond what I feel I'm able to do. I'm not good with allowing myself to accept money. I want to win the lottery so I can just give my time freely to people without having to charge for it! Wouldn't that be sweet. We play the lottery at work. My office mate has a copy of The Secret on her wall, and is CONVINCED she believes she will win! I can see the darker forces at work in her life that she's completely blind to. I know she secretly thinks *I'M* the reason we're not winning, which amuses me to no end. One sure way to know that you're the problem is when you're blaming it on someone else! I've openly stated that I'm unsure that I want to win, and she thinks that's holding us back. We started playing when the 2 of them went to see a psychic in the valley (who's known for being very accurate) and she told them both separately that they would retire with no money worries. I've been wanting to go see her to see what she would say about my future, but also to ask her how she developed the business side of her gift.
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I see myself turning into that woman....

By Retrogirl, 2010-07-18
I see myself turning into that woman I saw so many years ago on the vision board. That board somehow turned out to be a map of my future, despite the fact that I suck at predicting the future. She was dressed in animal prints, looking at a book in a bookstore. I knew she was me at the age of 35 (well, actually I'm 38, but who's counting.) She was very different from the person in the rest of the board. The other person was loud & brash, but sad underneath. The sad clown. Whereas she was clearly hiding (symbolism of the animal print) and didn't want anyone to see her. She was weary rather than sad. She'd had life experiences, and was just done with it. All she wanted was to focus on her own inner development. At the time, I described her as having been married & divorced, and having moved away from home, living in Paris. There was clearly something about a man or men that had made her feel less optimistic & mildly bitter about love. Well, I've never been married, but I have had 2 common law relationships, and I don't live in Paris, but I live 3000 km away from "home". At the time, I'd never been to Halifax, nor did I even consider it a place I wanted to visit (so it was not even on my radar). There was a feeling of old buildings & lots of history in the picture, and a different way of life, which are both characteristic of Halifax. I felt like I had an office-type job, and was making reasonably good money, both of which are now true.

I feel myself becomming her a little more every day. I know the situation that I'm in is meant to be for some unknown reason. I can think of a thousand possible reasons for its existence, but the truth is, I have no idea why I have to go through this. I absolutely, unequivocally *need* for there to be an explanation, but I also feel that I will only know the truth once I'm out of the situation. Maybe it'll make me more sensitive towards others who've been in similar situations. I still don't know how I'm going to get him to leave, but I know it will happen. Somehow.

I talked to God the other day. I was thinking about not being able to get out of this stupid relationship, and maybe God wants it that way? I heard him laugh and say, "Do you think I'd really leave one of my lambs behind like that?" The first time I ever talked to God was when I fell in love with my ex's brother. That love opened up a part of me that was connected to God ~ love. He must be in my heart. I feel him in my chest. My heart has been closed most of my life, so although I've always believed in God, I've never actually felt his presence like so many people had described. I was jealous of them. Religion has not been my path in this life, but I remembered a past life recently in Chile where I was a deeply religious man. I could feel what a great source of comfort & solace it was for me then. It seems strange to me that I was never able to find that in this life, even though I searched for it HARD. Maybe that's why I searched so hard, because some part of me knew that it was possible to find that kind of comfort in it. The closest feeling to that I've had in this life was finding this site.

I read a book about the different intuitive types about a year before I found this site that described emotional intuition. It was the first time I'd hear there were different types, and it resonated with me in a big way. I'd already figured out that I seem to work on an exclusively emotional level when it comes to healing work, but this was the first time I'd seen it in black & white like that. One thing that I found particularly interesting is that of all the intuitive types, emotional intuitives require love more than any other. It's something I've been meaning to bring up around here for a long time, but again, just haven't gotten the time! Anyway, I know that's particularly true for me. I was love-starved as a child, and it messed me up pretty bad. It was very gratifying to read that.

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Strange experience

By Retrogirl, 2010-07-16
A few nights ago, I was in bed trying to get to sleep when I had... I don't even know what to call it... a knowing? It was like something you'd see in a meditation, but I don't meditate because I can't. BUT, I seem to be able to enter a mild meditative state even with my eyes open. It's the state I enter when I'm doing readings. I read in Michael R. Smith's newsletter about empaths being able to access meditative states far more easily than others, which seems to be the case for me because I can almost turn it on & off. So, anyway, I felt a sense of power in my chest, and I was thinking about how familiar it was, then I saw myself (in spirit I guess you could say) visiting this compound. I had a room there. It was a place of healing. I knew everyone there. I felt like it was somewhere.... I belonged. I instantly recognized it. It was LIKE home, but it didn't FEEL like home, if that makes any sense. There *wasn't* an overwhelming sense of coming home, but there was a calming sense that this is where I belonged. It's like my job on the other side or something. I knew that if *I* needed any healing, someone there would be able to take care of it. I felt like I was a super hero. I've always identified with Xena warrior princess. There's something that appeals to me about that. Despite my earthly experience, this was the person I knew myself to be, inside. Everything about it was so familiar. I sensed that I had only been allowed to visit there 5-6 times in my life to keep my focus on the here & now, and not to let it float back there.
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The patriarch of our company died on Saturday. =( I'm not too sad because I didn't know him well. I did know him, and I liked him a lot. He was that old school kind of guy ~ hard working, tough, sometimes demanding. I like that. He had character. He turned 81 on Friday. Up until he suffered a complications from a bad fall in December, he still came into the office every day, much to the chagrin of his son who had a completely different way of running things, felt he wasn't totally in control, and that he was being undermined at times. This business was his pride & joy. He built it from the ground up, with his bare hands. I have so much respect for that. Bye Gino, I know you're ready to move onto bigger & better things, but you will be missed. :*)

Truthfully, I've been living in fear of this day. I hate funerals. At least now I understand WHY I hate them so much. There's so much raw emotion I'm trying to keep away, plus I've never been good in touchy-feely situations. Actually, I wouldn't mind it if it weren't for... dah dah dah... the dreaded reception line. I say & do completely inappropriate things. Incidentally, it's the same thing I hate about weddings. I feel the need to maintain social standards & attend such things even though I make a complete fool of myself in the process, accomplishing the very thing I was hoping to avoid ~ making people thinking I'm weird. I'm hoping this one will go better now that I understand what's happening. I still don't like crying in public, which could be tricky. Hopefully I'll be able to drive over to Cole Harbour one day at lunch to stock up on CALM pills. Hmmm... I wonder if they'd be open Thursday morning before the funeral?? That would be the best time to go. Then I could actually look around a bit, although that might be dangerous to my pocket book!

This also brings to fruition a premonition I experienced with my empath friend while we were working together in the sample room. I wish I had a better record of it, but bf has had a VERY detrimental effect on my blogging. Anyway, I'll have to go by memory. It went *something* like this: my friend said, "Do you see that?" And I looked up, my eyes swivvelled around, and I almost ducked, but there was no reason for it. I didn't see or feel anything. She said, "I just saw a crow, and you followed its path exactly with your eyes. I thought you saw it too!" I knew right then it was an omen that Gino was dying, but I didn't want it to be, so I tried to deny it. We talked about it, though. She was sure it was an omen. A week or two later, we were driving somewhere on lunch, and there was a massive flock of crows on the ground. I mean massive. We had discussed at some point the fact that a group of crows is called a "murder" because traditionally, seeing a flock of them is a portent of death. Now, I adore crows, and I feel like that gives them a bad name. However, it also appears to be true. Right around this time, (I can't say exactly cause I didn't keep a record) Gino was on a fishing trip, and suffered a fall. Other than some nasty bruises, he was given a clean bill of health, and after a short rest, was still hobbling into the office. So, I thought the whole crow thing wasn't actually a sign at all. Then, about 6 weeks later in December, Gino went into a coma. We learned that is was a complication of the fall he'd suffered earlier, around the time we'd seen the crows. He did come around, but he wasn't the same after that. He had to be put in a nursing home. He had his good days. But, I think Peter was leading us to believe he was in better health than he was. Now I'm certain what the crows were saying was true, as much as I tried to believe otherwise.

This makes me reevaluate my friendship with my empath friend who's been on my shit list lately. I know I like the "real" part of her. It's all her personas I can't deal with. I understand those parts of her were created because, just like me, she was overwhelmed by life, and she needed to cope. I guess it's that our personas don't get along. When I got her a job here, I also was given a sign ~ birds that bear her name flocked to me for a whole day. Birds who are normally rather solitary. I saw bunches of them, and knew it was a sign. I was a little confused when things didn't exactly work out. I guess there's still hope.

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Motives & Intentions

By Retrogirl, 2010-05-14
I like being able to decipher people's true motives most of the time. I think it will be very helpful if I'm able to become some sort of therapist in the future. But, sometimes it just really sucks. I just wish it didn't bother me so much. Maybe because my intentions have been questioned & misunderstood so many times when they were innocent, maybe that's why it gets under my skin more than it should. I'm not sure. There's this lady I work with, and on the surface, she's as sweet as pie, always working hard, doing extra for people, helping out, etc. But then, when she needs something, and you can't give it to her, she sort of sighs softly & gets all quiet, trying to pull a total guilt trip on you, reminding you of how much SHE has to do, and how much she suffers. It's really annoying. She was off sick Thursday & Friday, and she NEVER calls in sick, so I know it must've been bad. But, (her husband also works here) when I asked her hubby how she was doing, he told me how she refused to let him take her to the hospital, which she clearly needed. Then, she comes in this morning clutching her stomach, and oh woe is me. Believe me, I feel bad for her, cause she's not one to stay at home sick, but COME ON!! She's so obviously doing it just so people feel sorry for he. I refuse to feel sorry for people if they don't at least TRY to take care of themselves. She could've gone to the hospital, gotten an IV so she wouldn't be so dehydrated and horrible feeling, but noooooooo. She'd rather come here in horrible pain so she can soak up every last bit of sympathy. Same thing with her menopause. It's so bad that she can't sleep at night. Her doctor has prescribed things for her, but has she even tried them? No! All she wants is to complain about it. Sure enough, at lunch today with some of my co-workers they started talking about how her husband does this & that to her, but they're completely blindsided to the fact that she brings 90% of it on herself, and then complains because she knows it'll get her sympathy, and obviously IT WORKS! I'm not saying he abuses her, or anything like that. It's little things. Like, she insists on always cooking for him, but then she complains & makes it look like he's taking advantage of her. Why does nobody see this?!?
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Something IS happening...

By Retrogirl, 2010-05-06

I can feel something is happening, a deep transformation is taking place. The issues coming up are parental ones, core issues. Things I've been crying about my whole life, but never feeling like I could get anywhere. I couldn't release the roots, so they just made me sad over and over again. The sadness is the same, but it actually feels like I'm releasing the roots this time. For the last couple of weeks, I've been crying at the drop of a hat. Normally I get like this for a couple of days every month, but it hasn't gone away this time. I can feel there is definitely movement in the right direction, but I've been saying that for about 3 years. I know I've been getting a little bit stronger every day, it's just that the increments have been so small, I was terrified of how long it would take to get me where I need to go. I've been desperate to somehow speed up the process because it didn't make logical sense to me that there was nothing I could do. I didn't want it to take this long. It's been torturous in the meantime, but I feel this is what my spirit guide was trying to show me ~ You're not ready now, but you will be & in the meantime, just make the best of it. Well, when you're stuck in a situation that's making you deeply unhappy & you know what the solution is, it's very difficult to trust that that's what you need to be doing ~ nothing. It goes against everything I was taught as a human being. I wanted to do anything to get there quicker, but I was still mindful that I wasn't somehow stopping or reversing any progress that was happening. It felt like I was trying to cut a massive rubber cord, and everything I tried to do would just bounce off.

For the first time in a few years, I feel hopeful about the situation. How do I know something's happening? Because my anger finally had some bite to it this weekend. I'm starting to feel my weakness transform back into the power I know it should be. It was so frustrating saying something with all my might, only to have it drop to the ground, with no effect. I couldn't understand it. It had always been my last line of defense, and very effective. I was normally very shy & rather quiet, but if someone backed me into a corner, my inner lion would come out & ROAR. I could tear a strip off someone that made people afraid to ever talk to me again! It surprised even me. It wasn't in a mean way, usually. All I would do is basically use my empathic gift (although at the time, I didn't know what it was) & take their emotional inventory, and tell them the truth about themselves, which is something most people run away from, screaming in terror. Very effective. I only had the courage to do this when I felt like I had no other options. But, when bf came along, and I started to realize the relationship wasn't working for me, I did what I've always done, and saved up my resentments until I couldn't deal with it anymore, and they came raining down. To my utter shock & dismay, my usual tactics had no effect on him. I gave him some verbal pummellings that would leave most people in the fetal position, every bit of it he deserved too. Nothing. Of course, I started out trying to reason with him, and tell him MY truth in the situation, which is also normally very effective. Most people don't want to hurt anyone, especially someone they care about, and when they're made aware of that, they usually back off. Somehow, bf managed to believe the only reason I was telling him these things was because I was angry. Therefore, he didn't believe, or chose not to believe I was telling him the truth. He thought I was just saying things to hurt him out of anger, like he does. Like when he threatened to burn my house down, and slash my tires. Why would I think he meant any of that?? He just says those things when he's angry. Silly me. The difference is, I meant everything I said when I was angry. It was the rest of the time I was lying!! It's like he was able to find the weak spot no one else had found, and he grabbed it like a pitbull, holding on for all he was worth. I couldn't shake him, no matter how hard I tried. When I did all the logical things, like try to break up with him, it felt wrong. I tried very hard to get confirmation that what my guide was telling me was right, but I couldn't. I seemed to be getting the same story from everyone I turned to, in direct opposition to what my guide(s) were saying. It's something I've experienced my whole life, so I'm used to it. I actually believe those people were telling me their truth, it wasn't a case of bad advice, I believe they were being guided to give me that misleading advice because I needed to learn to follow my own guidance, no matter what. I think this will be a key factor in pursueing my life's purpose.

The one person I was really disapointed in was my empath friend, R. I was really hoping she'd be able to help me with the situation, mostly just as a sounding board. Out of anyone, I really needed her to believe me, believe that I wasn't just weak and incapable of uttering the words "Get out", that this situation had a spiritual purpose behind it. I know she never fully believed it. She pretended to. I don't know why she thought for a second I wouldn't be able to see right through that. I think she felt very threatened by my weakness because it made her realize that she had weak spots too. She couldn't handle that, so she chose to believe that in the same situation, this couldn't possibly happen to her, that somehow I was to blame for my situation. She did try to help me by telling her bf (our bf's are brothers) things (that I'd asked her not to tell anyone) so that he might try to sway his brother into breaking up. She said stuff about me to my bf, too, while he was over there in my absence, mean stuff. I don't know exactly what was said, and I don't want to know. I understand what she was trying to do, and she was trying to help me, but I could feel in my bones that she meant those things she had said. That was how she honestly viewed me. It was the beginning of the end of our friendship. I knew that if she couldn't see the real me, or at least believe that I was telling her the truth, we had no real future in ways we'd planned, like going into business together. Trust and understanding are really key for me, and it was clear we had none. There were other things she didn't believe me about either, ridiculous things, like the fact that I used to wear very stylish clothes, and high heels when I was younger. After I got into tile, my wardrobe did go downhill, but I just didn't care about it anymore. Been there, done that. I gained so much weight after I got together with bf that none of them fit me anymore, either, which was a real sore spot for me, and for a long time, shopping for new clothes was just too depressing, so I avoided it. She really has no clue what that's like because she's very thin, and very young, and she has her own food issues. It was hard for me to talk about it because *I* knew that the minute I was single again, I would lose the weight (and at the time, I felt like that would be happening soon). I tried to explain to her that after the last diet I was on, I decided it just wasn't worth it. It makes me torturously miserable. I enjoy certain kinds of excercise, but my emotional state has a very strong bearing on my physical state. When I feel down, which is how I've felt for most of the time in this relationship, it's like I have a 200lb. weight strapped to my back. It makes it very hard for me to do anything physical. When I'm happy, I feel like I'm walking on air, and excercise is effortless. I KNOW she didn't believe me about that!! She thought I was lazy, and just making excuses. Working in construction ruined my knees, so my desire to wear high heels was close to nonexistent. Oh yeah, she didn't believe me about that either! When my knees were sore it was because I wasn't taking my glucosamine pills regularly, but I'm positive she thought they were sore because I was fat, and again, I was just making excuses. Sheesh! It's no wonder I feel better now that she's gone! I started becomming aware that she was not a good person for me to be around almost a year ago. Just like when I'm unhappy, somebody around me who thinks negative things about me weighs me down, like each negative thought is a brick I have to carry (and the opposite is also true of someone who thinks positively about me, it makes me feel weightless.) You know, it's no wonder I've always had such a hard time with people disliking me, because it has an actual physical effect on me! Wow. Back to the topic at hand...

I was well aware of my weak spot for a long time. As long as no one else could see it (and therefore abuse it), I was OK. I kept it well hidden, and no one seemed to be able to find it. I thought I was safe. When I moved to Nova Scotia, it was like going from a photo negative to a full colour picture. Things were the same, yet completely different at the same time. Things I had previously known to be true weren't valid anymore. I felt alive, really for the first time in my life. I wanted to try everything all over again because so many things had changed. Unfortunately, not everything, but I threw caution to the wind and ended up in a situation where I was over my head. *Could* I have protected myself from it? I don't know. I should've stayed single for the last 5 years ~ I was being told I wasn't ready. I should've listened. But, I was single for only a year, and I was incredibly frustrated because THAT seemed like too long to me. I didn't think there was anything I could get into that I couldn't find my way out of, eventually. Although, in my mind, eventually was about 2 years. 3 if it was really bad. Boy was I wrong! And I didn't consider this situation particularly threatening. I had taken precautions. My best friend is his cousin, and somehow, I thought knowing people in his family would be able to protect me. Was I wrong about that too! Being single for 5 years was unthinkable to me at the time, because it made me feel like there was something wrong with me. I wouldn't have been able to stave off the depression. It would've consumed me. Being in this relationship has cured me of needing to be in one ever again. Not wanting one, but NEEDING one. I wish it could cure me of the desire too. Oh well! You can't win 'em all.

I can feel the life seeping back into my pores. I've been catching glimpses of it for the last month or so, even when bf was around which was a new twist, but it was so fleeting. Now, I can really feel it coming back. I finally have hope. I understand how healing this weak spot could be very important to my future. If I'm going to be dealing with demons & dark forces, they can easily exploit things like that. Even though I've felt a strong affinity for this kind of work for a long time, there was something holding me back, and I believe this was it. So, I do believe this was an important step in my spiritual training, even if it did totally suck. I was aware of that while I was going through it, but being able to believe it was predicated on my being able to get out of it. That prospect was starting to look dim, which is what was worrying the hell out of me. I'm very confident now that things will work out somehow. I don't know how, and I don't know what the future will look like, but I finally feel like it's on the up & up.

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