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The Situation

By Retrogirl, 2010-11-05

OK, I've been thinking about this a lot (I tend to obsess about things, especially men! LOL!), and I've decided that Fisherman Dude is in love with me. As far-friggin-fetched as that sounds! I've been putting all the pieces together, and I see it now. I never would've guessed, EVER, that he had anything other than a mild attraction, and the only reason for that, I thought, was because he wants every girl, and I was a challenge. But, I see now that he loves me. He loves everything about me. It's so hard to even look back & fill in the details because I barely paid any attention to him. He was so far off my radar it's not even funny! Yes, he's a bit of eye candy, but come on. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought his feelings for me would warrant anything more than a one night romp in the hay, and once he got what he wanted, that would be it.

He always acted so strangely around me, and I thought I just made him uncomfortable & nervous, like so many other people, because he felt I could see through him. This one night, we were all sitting around the campfire at Craig's house, and I went inside for something. When I came back out, they were playing guitars & stuff, and as soon as I came out, it stopped. I *think* he was playing, and after I came out, he refused to play anymore. I was pretty upset because it made me feel like I have a negative influence on people just by being around them. I felt horrible. I see now it was probably because he liked me! I do tend to jump to conclusions about things, and usually think it's because I did something wrong.

When I saw the psychic a few weeks ago, she told me that I was going to feel like I was 18 again with my new man. She said, "I don't know if you'll be reconnecting with someone you knew when you were 18, or if you'll just feel like you're young again." Well, if I had a 21 year old boyfriend, I'd sure as hell feel like I was 18 again!!!! Although, I'm supposed to outlive him, too, so with him being so much younger than me, well, I don't know.

This is so crazy. I never expected this. I thought Rob was The One. He's BF's best friend, but he loves me, and I love him too. I had plans for us!! For our life together!! I feel kinda bad cause I don't want him to be alone, and I'm afraid he will be. =( I don't know why I was supposed to stay with BF for so long, but I really feel like there was a reason. I was thinking it was so Rob & I could get to know each other. Whatever it was, I feel like things are starting to fall into place, just like the psychic said. I was really starting to think it would never happen, and she was wrong. I'm not counting my chickens yet, but things are looking up.

I wouldn't be heartbroken if I turned out to be completely wrong about this. Finding a new man was never the issue. It was only getting rid of the old one I cared about. I know there's somebody out there for me, and if not, I will be single. I don't care. I was very happy being single, I just didn't know it!!! Now, I do. The thought of going through all that crap in the early stages of a relationship ~ BLECH!!! I don't even want to deal with it. At least if I do end up with Fisherman Dude, he goes out fishing for periods of time, so I could still have MY time. And Rob works nights, so we'd barely even see each other. I wish I could've cheated on BF, that would've gotten rid of him. But, I was afraid I'd never be able to live with myself for doing it, and also that he might try to kill the guy. I couldn't live with that either. At least with Fisherman Dude, I'm not afraid of that. I don't know why, I just know he could defend himself. Fishermen are as tight knit as the mob. But, I still don't know how I'd live with myself for doing it! I just want him to break up with BF for me! LOL!!! =)))

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Wild Party

By Retrogirl, 2010-11-03

I went to a Hallowe'en party on Saturday night. I had so much fun. I went as the Disco Queen, and I lived up to my name! LOL! I LOVE to dance. Normally, I end up being the Designated Driver because I started getting panic attacks in the middle of the night while trying to sleep at someone else's house after a night of drinking. Not fun. I do like to party. Not every weekend like BF does, but I need to go out & let loose once in awhile. I tend to be rather shy and VERY uptight most of the time. If it weren't for alcohol, I don't think I ever would've had a boyfriend. Normally I'm a bit of a goody two shoes. I have so many rules & regulations & morals. I sort of lose touch with my human side if I don't lower my inhibitions once in awhile.

I went through a party phase in my late teens/early 20's, but I feel like I never really got it out of my system because it wasn't fun. It was more... terrifying. I never felt safe enough to relax. Pretty much the story of my life. But, there's something about Nova Scotia that allows me to relax & have FUN like I couldn't in Calgary. I'm still somewhat uptight, I doubt I'll ever lose that completely, but at least I understand why everyone seems to enjoy going out so much!! Who knew it could actually be fun?!?

I find it very hard to connect with people most of the time. Especially other females. The *men* in Calgary weren't that fond of me either. I don't know why. Luckily, that's a whole different story here! ;) My friend Craig was the first friend I made when I moved to Nova Scotia. We worked for the same company, although we didn't see much of each other because we were on separate job sites 90% of the time. When that company went belly up, we got hired on by a different company, this time we worked together every day. I was newly single and looking to make up for lost time! (Not with Craig, just in general.) We had so much fun on that job. We partied a lot, things got a little out of hand at times (by my incredibly uptight standards!!), but man, I had the time of my life! It was frustrating because I couldn't find a boyfriend, all the men (except the married ones) seemed to run screaming in the other direction. Enter Craig's cousin. Single. Employed. Interested in me. Cut to 5 years later: Craig's Hallowe'en party ~ Hallopallooza 2010.

Craig knows I'm unhappy, but I kept that from him until fairly recently because I know he feels guilty for hooking us up in the first place. He'd love for us to stay together, because then we're like family. Although he's told me that he would stay friends with me if I broke up with BF, blah, blah, blah. I know he would, but things would be different. There'd be no more Hallopallooza's for me! Family's family, and BF will always come first in his life, no matter how much Craig loves me, and I know he does. I've been kind of cold towards him the last little while. I think I was trying to mentally distance myself. That only made him more affectionnate towards me. Whenever we saw each other, he'd hug & kiss me all the time. It was a little annoying because I'm not a huggy person, but I could feel the love. And it was nice. =)

I connected with someone else at the party too. Unfortunately. Craig's neighbour ~ "Fisherman Dude". He's, like, 21 years old. Sexy as hell, but he's got DAWG written all over him. The kind of guy I avoid like the plague. When I first met him, he was with his girlfriend, and they had just moved in together. So, I never paid much attention to him. I adored his girlfriend & was upset when I heard they'd broken up. Of course, he was cheating on her. So, I took my friend T from work to the party with me, she's single, he's single. I warned her in advance about him, but she could still dance with him, have a little fun. I'm not sure exactly how it happened... I think we were dancing, everyone else left to have a smoke. He was sitting on the couch, then he got up & started dancing with us. I was sort of getting the two of them together, he started dancing behind her. I was behind him. At first, I was resisting, not going near him, doing my own thing. Then, he cheers'ed me with his glass. All my friends, who are in serious relationships, were bumping & grinding on each other all night, including the Fisherman, so I thought why not.... I was sort of leaning on him, back to back, then I put my head on his shoulder... It was just so nice... The instant I put my head on his shoulder, I felt a connection. BF cut it short when he came out from the smoking room. I wasn't expecting to feel that sense of connection with Fisherman Guy. Now, it's all I can think about. {sigh} But, then again, I might just be feeling T's emotions cause she wants him now. Oh, alcohol, what have you done?!?

That kind of connection is like a drug to me. I know it's not real, but I can't stop thinking about it!!!! I end up going over every detail. I always thought he found me attractive, God knows why. I kind of brushed it off as my imagination. His ex is, like, every man's wet dream ~ gorgeous, young, fun, with a bit of a 'wild' side. What would he want with me? Other than the fact that I represent a challenge to him. I try so hard to avoid getting in these situations, but the more I allow myself to feel, the more vulnerable I am to it. That's how these guys operate. They prey on the weak & the lonely. Sadly, I wouldn't be surprised if many of them are empaths. They know exactly where your weaknesses are. They show you a vulnerability that melts your heart, and makes you feel like they're just misunderstood, need to be loved, and you're the only one who knows it. Then, they make you feel really special, like you're the only woman in the world (even when he's dancing with 2 girls at the same time!!!) You know it's not true, but once you've fallen into the trap, you're hooked. No matter how logically you try to talk yourself out of it, your heart's already been tricked into feeling all those things you've so desperately yearned for, and you don't care anymore. AAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! One moment of bliss that leads to days, weeks of yearning. It's like crack, and I'm just looking for another hit. Only, I can't go out on the street corner & buy more for $20. My mind is swirling, trying to make me believe that he felt it too, when I know damn well he didn't. At least I'm old enough not to fall for it now. Doesn't make it any easier, though. =(

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Where did it go?!?!

By Retrogirl, 2010-10-25

I've been feeling very restless for weeks now, coming here, looking for something, some kind of insight, something SATISFYING. Nagging spiritual disgruntlement. Sunday, a post caught my attention, I think it was called, "Do you know who you are?". I looked at the date because I didn't remember seeing it on Friday, and it had been very recent, although there was already 4 pages of replies. I couldn't focus on it as much as I wanted to at the time, so I made a mental note to come back to it. Sunday night ~ it was gone. I don't know WHY, but it's really frustrating when you feel like a door has been opened, and then it gets slammed in your face. I can barely remember what was posted there. Something about not fitting in.... aliens... LOL! I think that's what initially turned a lot of people off, or at least confused them, was the alien part. I look at Earth as only 1 of the places in the Universe to incarnate. I believe we're all aliens, we've all been to other worlds. Some of us just have highly developed abilities from those worlds which conflict with Earthly demands. Earth has certain things it can teach a soul, and other planets have different lessons. Not every soul comes to Earth, but sometimes, you can be on a certain path, and take an unexpected detour, and end up incarnating on Earth for some reason deemed beneficial by guides. In that case, you'd end up being a little different from those around you, developed in ways most humans aren't.

Anyway, one of the points in the post was feeling that you don't fit in. After learning I was an Empath, I thought that explained it. But, lately I've been feeling more alone and oddball than ever. I've blamed myself for it, thinking I need to 'fix' something about the way I think, something! But the post made me feel like this was just a symptom of something that was meant to be. A necessary evil, rather than a sign that I was doing something wrong. I moved to Nova Scotia because I felt like I could relate to the people here better than the cold Calgarians. I moved here in hopes of re-joining the human race. But, as I healed, the LESS connected I felt!!! It's been very disconcerting to me lately. I guess I just assumed I would feel more connected, but that wasn't the case at all. I started to care less & less about things "normal" people do. I thought my weirdness was due to being so broken & defensive. Turns out, it was me all along! If I'd known that, I don't think I could've survived, though. I told someone recently that I used to view myself & others metphorically as simply studying different subjects, but lately I've been feeling like I was studying for my PhD, and I was hanging out with 5th graders. I don't like the elitist sentiment that engenders, but that is very much how I've been feeling.

I'd completely lost hope of ever finding real life friends. I feel closer to people here than IRL, but even here I've felt somehow separate. I had just plain given up. I didn't actually realize how much I'd given up on until I read that post, and I saw a glimmer of hope that my "tribe" was out there, somewhere, feeling the same way I do, and that maybe (I still have trouble feeling hopeful about this part), just maybe fate would bring us together someday. I love the idea of living in a community of healers who bring different gifts & skills to the table, working together with common beliefs. I gave up on that when I realized I don't get along with most people, and don't share their beliefs. Ideally, though, I would absolutely love that.

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Starting to feel like myself again

By Retrogirl, 2010-10-01

I've been sick with a bad cold for about 2 weeks now, and at least a week before any of the symptoms showed up, I felt really weak & rundown. Things had really started piling up, I lost any motivation I had for work. This was incredibly disconcerting. Work has been my solace in the last few years, the only place where I had a sense of self. I enjoy working, I get a boost from completing things, and from working to meet peoples' needs. The last 2 weeks, I felt none of that. Every day I'd think, tomorrow I'll feel better. Most of the time, I'd feel even less motivated the next day! I was starting to think I didn't like my job any more, and it was time to quit. It was such a relief when I started feeling better in the last 2 days. I regained my joie de vivre. Thank God. That was horrible!

I got some kickass Hallowe'en decos at the dollar store the other day. I really enjoy having my office decorated more than my house. Maybe that's because my house is such a mess! LOL! I love having decorations, but when it comes time to take them down, I get really sad & depressed. It's like someone died! So, I gave up decorating. I guess where I'm forced to take them down at work, I don't feel the same depression. Weird.

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By Retrogirl, 2010-09-27
So, I went to see a psychic last weekend. I already knew she was good because some people I work with went to see her about a year ago, and she said many things that absolutely came true, against all odd. For instance, she told one lady that she would be doing some renovations on her house, and she would be very pleased with the outcome. Her house is brand new, only 3 years old. She and her ex built the house themselves, so there was nothing she wanted to change about it. She thought it would never happen. A few months after the reading, she had a flood in her basement, and ended up having to rip out & redo the whole thing! And she was very pleased with the outcome. Not to mention how she told the other lady she takes great photos. Before I saw her photos, I didn't think much of it. Then, she was showing me something on her computer and I saw what I thought were pictures she'd copied off the internet, but it turned out they were her own. They were unbelievable. I wanted to get copies of them so I could frame them & put them on my walls.

What did she tell me? Well, she said my next boyfriend would be The One. And that it would happen before Christmas. I'm going to live to be "ancient"! And possibly I will be winning the lottery! She didn't say that in so many words, but she said I'd be taking a trip to New Brunswick. I'm not all that crazy about NB, so I didn't react with excitement. BUT, if you win more than like 100 bucks, New Brunswick is where you go to pick up your winnings!!! THEN, she told the other lady that went with us that she was going to know someone who wins the lottery!!

I asked her about my current boyfriend, and she said he was going to do something that makes me really mad, and he's going to get kicked to the curb. I told her I've done that many times, but it's never worked. She was insistent it would take this time, and that it would be soon. I can't imagine what he's going to do that he hasn't already done that could possibly make me madder than I've already been! But, *I* think it's just a matter of me being ready for the change rather than him doing something stupid (he does that all the time!!) The whole reason I wanted to go was to ask her about this. Getting rid of him is all I care about. I felt like August was supposed to be the month he was leaving, but as August drew to a close, I was feeling like August was only the beginning of the end. =( And was very depressed. Part of me still feels like if it hasn't happened by now, it's not going to. I want to be free. I want to be able to eat whatever I want whenever I want. I want to feel relaxed again. I want to listen to my CD's while I fall asleep. I want my house to not be in shambles anymore. I want to lose this stupid weight without having to diet when I'm already miserable!!! (breathe... breathe...I just hate this holding pattern I'm in. Nobody seems to think there's a purpose for it except for me, which makes me feel like I'm being completely delusional. The truth is, I don't care as long as he LEAVES!!!! I'm feeling 2-3 weeks right now, but then what happens if that date, like so many others, comes and goes without any resolution?!? Then what do I do?? There is a distinct possibility I'm learning patience!! :-} And humility. I've been reading Destiny of Souls, about what happens between lives, all the prep that goes into your lives. During the part where he talks about role playing in heaven with your friends to get ready for your next life, I had a vision of myself doing this, and saying to the others, "Now, I'm probably going to want out of this, but don't let me do it, no matter how much I ask!!" I have a feeling I signed up for things that seemed like a good idea at the time! I think I did try to multi-task a lot of stuff.

But, basically, after December, my life's going to be awesome. I believe it, but it's hard to understand how that can possibly happen. When I was little, I believed that my life would magically change when I turned 25. I have no idea where this notion came from. Of course, it didn't happen. But, it might be happening now! When you're little, 25 seems OLD, so maybe I just miscalculated a little?? I had basically forgotten about that prophesy until recently. I can't for the life of me remember it came to be, I felt like I just always knew. Weird. I was thinking that maybe it was referring to my move to Halifax, which did greatly alter my life for the better, but now I'm thinking it's this next change. I believe this change coincides with the whole 2012 thing. For years, I was terrified of it. Now, I see that was mostly fear mongering. Yes, a lot of peoples' lives have changed for the worse, but what about those who've changed for the better??? I believe that's what's happening to my life.

The psychic also told me 2 very interesting things ~ that I should make jewlery (and that I could make money selling it), and that I need to SING! Now, to anyone else these might seem like fairly innocuous things to say, but these were, perhaps, the most astounding 2 things she said during my reading.

About a year ago, I discovered that the dollar store sells jewlery. I've been obsessed with it ever since. It's every bit as nice as the ones you'd pay upwards of $5 a piece for. A few months ago, I started wanting all my necklaces to have matching earrings, so I started buying extras of each so I could make earrings for them. I bought all the clasps & things to go with it, I was getting right into it. I stalled a bit because I don't feel like doing much when BF is around, but the foundation was there. Also, I used to make earrings as a teenager. I still have the ones I made, and I love them. They have a certain quirkiness & timeless appeal. Then, the psychic tells me I should make jewlery & I could make a lot of money selling it. My jaw almost hit the floor when she said that. I was so suprised! I wouldn't have thought about selling it. I feel like I need a creative outlet, and having something that has a little bit of structure to it is helpful to me. I'm no good if I have too many options. I get caught up in indecision. I thought it was really interesting, too, how Lynn posed the question on the main board "What would you attempt to do if you knew you would not fail?" and my answer was to be an artist. This answer took me by surprise! So, when the psychic said I should make jewlery & sell is because I need an artistic outlet, it all just fit.

Then, she said I should sing. I've always wanted to be a singer. I was very shy as a kid, and I don't have that great of a voice, but it was my secret desire. Recently, I bought Rock Band for my Wii because I wanted to sing!!! She said it's really good for me, and she could hear the spirits cheering for me. I think they've been trying to get this message across for a very long time!! I had a dream quite awhile ago that I was in grade 5, and I was Britney Spears, I was trying to talk, but nobody was listening to me, and then I turned into a shadow. I was on a message board at the time of people who were interested in New Age things, and I posted it to see if anyone knew what it meant. I realized myself what it meant, that Britney represented my dream of being a singer, and that dream had gotten pushed away, becoming part of my shadow self. There was this other lady on there who I didn't like much, but she was the resident dream "expert" and when I posted about needing to follow my dream, and at least take singing lessons, she insisted that's not what my dream meant and that it had to do with communication, not actual singing. It kinda makes me mad now, because I realize how hard my guides were trying to get this message to me. The psychic told me not to count on selling any gold records, but that it would be a good thing for me to do.

All in all, it was a great reading, and I would definitely go back to her anytime.
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Adult Truths...

By Retrogirl, 2010-09-13

I got this in my inbox today, I just about died laughing....

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the


12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not

make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet

everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.
That means it only took 100 years for men to realize

that their brain is also important.

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Connections... or not...

By Retrogirl, 2010-08-30

I'm so not into working today... I think it's hormonal. I'm also rather irritable.

I feel like there's 2 types of people in my life ~ those I connect with, and those I don't. The problem is, those I DON'T connect with, any type of relationship I have with them just gets worse, no matter where it starts. I could start off liking them a lot, but it always gets progressively worse! Those I connect with are VERY few & far between.

You see, I have a friend who's completely unreliable, a total flake, very frustrating, completely exaggerates everything he says to the point of absurdity, and yet... I love him. He's my best friend.

Then, there's this girl I work with, she's not like other girls who tend to be catty & whatnot. She's very nice, very reliable, not jealous, hard working. All things I respect. But, she has no spiritual side whatsoever, and it's weird cause I don't think I've met anyone like that. And I just can't stand talking to her anymore! It doesn't make any sense. She's not a superficial person, and yet she is.... ??

But, my other "friend" who I could talk about anything spritual with, she didn't have a very good work ethic, and I find her back stabbing ways a deal breaker. I just can't stand being around her either.

The mystical connection seems to transcend all. But, where does this connection come from? It obviously has nothing to do with stuff you think it would. I don't know.

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By Retrogirl, 2010-08-20
God, I love that song! Yep, it was only a matter of time before it happened again. I meet about 1 guy / year to fall in love with, and they have all been so vastly different, I couldn't figure out if they had anything in common. For years, I was stumped! Some had office jobs, some were blue-collar types, married, single, personalities all across the board. But I think I know now ~ they're all empaths!! It's impossible for me to fall in love with a regular guy. Although, the one that has currently hooked me ~ I have a hard time seeing his empath side. But, he said something one day about how he always knows how to... I can't remember what he said... take the tension out of a situation, something like that. He called it a "gift", which was the part that struck me.
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