Retrogirl

The terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day

2010-11-12
By: Retrogirl
Posted in:

Even though nothing much has happened on the outside of me, I've been going through so much on the inside. I want so badly to blog it all, and I don't have as much time as I want!!! Damn work. WAH!!!

The last two years of my life have been really bad, and this has been probably the worst year ever, even though a lot of good things have happened: I got a promotion, and a raise, I found EC, Nova Scotia's economy has been largely untouched by the recent downturn. But, the feeling of being locked in a cage was too pervasive. Desperately wanting to be free, yet feeling like this was somehow happening the way it was meant to, and being so conflicted about it. I really feel like October was the lowest point in my life. My childhood was pretty bad, but there was hope for the future, that I'd get out of my house, and make a life for myself that would be better. So, basically the last few years, I felt like I was back home again, only I couldn't get out. That was depressing as hell. Feeling so powerless. All the while, my spirit guide is telling me it's all going to be OK & I should just be patient & make the best of it. Uh... yeah. NOT HELPFUL!!!! Not to mention the fact I couldn't be sure that's what he was actually saying, or whether it was just "wishful thinking" that everything would turn out OK on its own.

Then came Hallowe'en, and everything changed. I was so depressed because just like my feeling that things would change in August, I'd had a feeling that the middle of October was when it would go down. Well, that came & went too, and I had to get dressed up for a party I wasn't sure I even wanted to attend. I felt fat & hideous, like I'd be stuck in this miserable existence forever. At least I had a really cool pink wig! (I've always wanted to have pink hair!)

In about 2 minutes, my life changed 180 degrees. I felt infused with LIFE. I've had a Facebook account for a few years now, but never really used it. It was too depressing, I didn't want pictures of me on there. I was afraid of adding too many men because BF would get jealous, or start asking ridiculous questions. I missed my 20 year high school reunion (which was also in October) because I was too depressed about the state of my life, and too fat to fake it. =( I stopped wishing people Happy Birthday, and sending presents, even to my nieces! Now, I'm on Facebook everyday looking to reconnect with people.

Things sort of came to a head on Tuesday. I had the worst day. I hadn't been sleeping well, work sucked, people were irritating me, getting on my nerves, for no real reason. My co-worker sent me some bullshit quote from the Secret, and all I could think was, "SO WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME???" I left work, thinking I'd left it all behind and the next day would be better. Not so fast. There was a massive traffic jam. Every effort I made to go around it ended up taking me longer than it would've before. My 15 minute drive took me over an hour. When I finally got home, BF drops a bomb on me that Fisherman dude had gone downtown with our friend Jess on the weekend, and now he "likes her". I was crushed. I could accept the fact that he would be dating other chicks, but not ones I knew, and liked. It was all too much. What was worse was that I couldn't let BF see me crying. Trying to grieve, and maintain the appearance of everything being OK at the same time was excruciating. Of course, I'm used to it! My whole world came crashing down around me. I went to sleep thinking I'm just too sensitive & insecure, and that I would never fall in love because of it.

Wednesday morning, I woke feeling... fantastic! I didn't care if he was seeing other chicks, how do I even know he's The One? I don't! I just knew everything was going to be OK. Whether it was him or someone else, I knew it didn't matter. Or no one at all. It was just... gone. I felt better than ever. Renewed.

I think this was a sign that things have really changed ~ that morning, I accidentally found my first boyfriend from junior high on Facebook. I thought about it for about 2 minutes, then I added him as a friend. He accepted almost immediately, God knows what he was doing up at 5:30 in the morning! (with the time difference from Calgary!) You see, he came to our school in grade 2. I remember the first day he was on the bus, I felt like I recognized him. I just knew he was important to me. We were both quite shy, but everyone knew that we liked each other. It was sort of a given. At our first junior high dance, he asked me to "go around" with him. Of course, I said yes. Oh wait, I don't think he asked me, I think his best friend did! LOL!!!! He used to carry my saxophone to the bus for me. I was petrified of him the entire time. I couldn't say hi to him when we passed in the halls. I could dance with him, but even then I'd have the occasional panic attack (although no one knew but me.) I was frozen in fear. I never kissed him. I could barely talk to him for frig's sake. This was a time when you would make a date to kiss somewhere in the playground, and everyone would crowd around to watch. Uh... I don't think so!! I remember getting him a Christmas card that implied I wanted him to kiss me, but before I could give it to him, he broke up with me. Or, rather, his best friend broke up with me!!! I was devastated and numb. I didn't blame him. I felt awful for not being able to be a good girlfriend. I feel like half of me died that day. It was the beginning of a long downward spiral. I was embarassed about the whole situation. I felt like everyone could see all my horrible faults, and they were all laughing at me. This was the beginning of pretending that everything was Ok, when I felt like nothing would ever be OK again. I felt like he was the one I was meant to be with, and I had screwed it up so badly, like I'd somehow messed up the very fabric of time & space. I had a lot of trouble finding another boyfriend after that. I always kicked myself for not just doing it. Yet, when I'd find myself in similar situations, I'd freeze up just the same. I've never dated someone I actually liked since. It was the only way I could deal with the overwhelming anxiety that accompanied the whole thing. I pretty much pretended he didn't even exist. A couple of times in my 20's a mutual friend had run into him, and mentioned that he asked about me. It was nice to know that he cared, but I was still embarassed about the whole thing, and unable to come to terms with it. I was waiting for the day I would look back on that & laugh, but that day never came. It always felt like a black mark on my soul. Suddenly, there he was, and connecting with him again felt like a natural thing to do. I thought the only way we'd ever reconnect would be in heaven, once this life was over.

Yesterday, we had the day off in honour of Rememberance Day, and I fell asleep on the couch watching a movie. I was awoken by a phantom smell of smoke, which caught my attention because I thought something was on fire. It went away, so I relaxed again. Right in front of me on the wall was a ladybug. Strange to see one at this time of year. I saw one about 3 years ago, with 3 spots on its back. It was one of those things, I felt like it was a sign, that it made sure I noticed it. I had read recently that the number of spots on a ladybug was said to be a sign of how much time will pass before you get your wish. Well, I was hoping it was 3 months!!! No dice. At the time, I couldn't even conceive that I would be in this relationship for another 3 years. I thought 2 at the absolute outset max. So, anyway, I saw this ladybug yesterday after being mysteriously awoken from my nap. I couldn't even count the number of spots there were so many, but it seemed to be indicating to me this one would be # of days. I don't know how I know that, but whatever.

So, I'm still in this weird position of feeling perched on the brink of awesomeness, but nothing has really changed yet. Except I feel like a new person.

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