Retrogirl

Wild Party

2010-11-03
By: Retrogirl
Posted in:

I went to a Hallowe'en party on Saturday night. I had so much fun. I went as the Disco Queen, and I lived up to my name! LOL! I LOVE to dance. Normally, I end up being the Designated Driver because I started getting panic attacks in the middle of the night while trying to sleep at someone else's house after a night of drinking. Not fun. I do like to party. Not every weekend like BF does, but I need to go out & let loose once in awhile. I tend to be rather shy and VERY uptight most of the time. If it weren't for alcohol, I don't think I ever would've had a boyfriend. Normally I'm a bit of a goody two shoes. I have so many rules & regulations & morals. I sort of lose touch with my human side if I don't lower my inhibitions once in awhile.

I went through a party phase in my late teens/early 20's, but I feel like I never really got it out of my system because it wasn't fun. It was more... terrifying. I never felt safe enough to relax. Pretty much the story of my life. But, there's something about Nova Scotia that allows me to relax & have FUN like I couldn't in Calgary. I'm still somewhat uptight, I doubt I'll ever lose that completely, but at least I understand why everyone seems to enjoy going out so much!! Who knew it could actually be fun?!?

I find it very hard to connect with people most of the time. Especially other females. The *men* in Calgary weren't that fond of me either. I don't know why. Luckily, that's a whole different story here! ;) My friend Craig was the first friend I made when I moved to Nova Scotia. We worked for the same company, although we didn't see much of each other because we were on separate job sites 90% of the time. When that company went belly up, we got hired on by a different company, this time we worked together every day. I was newly single and looking to make up for lost time! (Not with Craig, just in general.) We had so much fun on that job. We partied a lot, things got a little out of hand at times (by my incredibly uptight standards!!), but man, I had the time of my life! It was frustrating because I couldn't find a boyfriend, all the men (except the married ones) seemed to run screaming in the other direction. Enter Craig's cousin. Single. Employed. Interested in me. Cut to 5 years later: Craig's Hallowe'en party ~ Hallopallooza 2010.

Craig knows I'm unhappy, but I kept that from him until fairly recently because I know he feels guilty for hooking us up in the first place. He'd love for us to stay together, because then we're like family. Although he's told me that he would stay friends with me if I broke up with BF, blah, blah, blah. I know he would, but things would be different. There'd be no more Hallopallooza's for me! Family's family, and BF will always come first in his life, no matter how much Craig loves me, and I know he does. I've been kind of cold towards him the last little while. I think I was trying to mentally distance myself. That only made him more affectionnate towards me. Whenever we saw each other, he'd hug & kiss me all the time. It was a little annoying because I'm not a huggy person, but I could feel the love. And it was nice. =)

I connected with someone else at the party too. Unfortunately. Craig's neighbour ~ "Fisherman Dude". He's, like, 21 years old. Sexy as hell, but he's got DAWG written all over him. The kind of guy I avoid like the plague. When I first met him, he was with his girlfriend, and they had just moved in together. So, I never paid much attention to him. I adored his girlfriend & was upset when I heard they'd broken up. Of course, he was cheating on her. So, I took my friend T from work to the party with me, she's single, he's single. I warned her in advance about him, but she could still dance with him, have a little fun. I'm not sure exactly how it happened... I think we were dancing, everyone else left to have a smoke. He was sitting on the couch, then he got up & started dancing with us. I was sort of getting the two of them together, he started dancing behind her. I was behind him. At first, I was resisting, not going near him, doing my own thing. Then, he cheers'ed me with his glass. All my friends, who are in serious relationships, were bumping & grinding on each other all night, including the Fisherman, so I thought why not.... I was sort of leaning on him, back to back, then I put my head on his shoulder... It was just so nice... The instant I put my head on his shoulder, I felt a connection. BF cut it short when he came out from the smoking room. I wasn't expecting to feel that sense of connection with Fisherman Guy. Now, it's all I can think about. {sigh} But, then again, I might just be feeling T's emotions cause she wants him now. Oh, alcohol, what have you done?!?

That kind of connection is like a drug to me. I know it's not real, but I can't stop thinking about it!!!! I end up going over every detail. I always thought he found me attractive, God knows why. I kind of brushed it off as my imagination. His ex is, like, every man's wet dream ~ gorgeous, young, fun, with a bit of a 'wild' side. What would he want with me? Other than the fact that I represent a challenge to him. I try so hard to avoid getting in these situations, but the more I allow myself to feel, the more vulnerable I am to it. That's how these guys operate. They prey on the weak & the lonely. Sadly, I wouldn't be surprised if many of them are empaths. They know exactly where your weaknesses are. They show you a vulnerability that melts your heart, and makes you feel like they're just misunderstood, need to be loved, and you're the only one who knows it. Then, they make you feel really special, like you're the only woman in the world (even when he's dancing with 2 girls at the same time!!!) You know it's not true, but once you've fallen into the trap, you're hooked. No matter how logically you try to talk yourself out of it, your heart's already been tricked into feeling all those things you've so desperately yearned for, and you don't care anymore. AAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! One moment of bliss that leads to days, weeks of yearning. It's like crack, and I'm just looking for another hit. Only, I can't go out on the street corner & buy more for $20. My mind is swirling, trying to make me believe that he felt it too, when I know damn well he didn't. At least I'm old enough not to fall for it now. Doesn't make it any easier, though. =(

Retrogirl
11/03/10 08:38:24AM @retrogirl:
LOL! So, you know what I'm talkin about! I don't usually get caught up in it, but I've been slowly letting real feelings back into my life. This is one of the drawbacks!
Retrogirl
11/03/10 10:57:19AM @retrogirl:
Oh, Rook, don't encourage me!!! LOL!! He's way too young for me anyway.... just really, really cute....I think a lot of empaths have that high moral standard. I wonder how the other ones get around it??

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