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I love this recipe, and I have to make it every year. It's become a holiday tradition!

Christmas Rum Cake
1 cup sugar
1 tsp. Baking powder
1 cup water
1 tsp. Salt
1 cup brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 bottle rum
2 cups dried fruit

Sample the rum to check quality. Take a large bowl; check the rum again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the rum is still OK. Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck iin the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the rum to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the rum. Now shift the lemon ice strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 s and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the rum and wipe the counter with the cat.

Cherry Mristmas
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Thanksgiving Pizza

By Retrogirl, 2011-10-11

This wasn't my idea, they sell it at Extreme Pizza in Halifax, but it's outta this world delicious! So, if you have some leftover Thanksgiving supper, and you don't know what to do with it, here's a fantastic idea:

Spread gravy on a pizza crust, top with bits of turkey, stuffing, and sliced onions. Then, add 1/2 mozza & 1/2 cheddar cheese, and bake. Don't forget the cranberry sauce on the side for dipping!

You're welcome!! ;)

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Dealing with GUILT

By Retrogirl, 2011-06-27
Reply by Gennefer Ellsworth 18 hours ago


I know what you mean. What I found interesting and want to share here is some information I read this week while studying more about meditation. Some of the quote is in reference to guilt in a different context but the information can be applied across the board.



..... It is important when we are encountering restlessness to expand our awareness to the unacknowledged feeling or emotion beneath the obsessive thoughts. The fact that we have not faced the anxiety or the guilt is what allows it to escalate into restlessness. Our task is to drop below the level of the repetitive thoughts and, mindfully and compassionately, experience what we are actually feeling.

This way we experience both relief and release, going beyond habitual relationship to our pain. This is happiness that arises not from what is happening to us but from how we are relation to what is happening to us. We are relating to our feelings with the inner knowledge, It is okay. I do not have to run; I do not have to push the pain away. I do not have to get lost in it. It is okay to simply be aware of it.

This quality of relating openly to our feelings is the antidote for restlessness, guilt, and anxiety. When we develop the ability to open to our underlying feelings, we can transform guilt into wise remorse. Being aware of whatever we are experiencing with a peaceful attitude allows us not to be driven into restlessness.

A Heart as Wide as the World
Sharon Salzberg

No matter what the degree, inflicting pain on another being inevitably results in experiencing pain ourselves.
We might think that reviewing a harmful action over and over in our mind with lacerating self-hatred counts as some sort of atonement, but actually compassion is atonement. When we are filled with guilt, our identity collapses, and we think, This is who I really am, the one who. As our sense of ourselves narrows in this way, we punish ourselves repeatedly through unhappiness, disconnection, loneliness, hopelessness. This is what we feel we deserve. We may even hear something like the Buddhas teaching that all living beings want to be happy and have the full potential to be happy, but it only makes us feel more isolated. .

We cannot undo what we have done, and we cannot escape the results of our actions. But rather than hate ourselves or dwell in helpless shame, we can dramatically change thequality of influences in our lives

If we have done something inappropriate or unwholesome, and if our lives then become strongly influenced by compassion, mindfulness, and lovingkindness, (we) become radically altered, and this changes everything. This is a transformation we can begin right now.

We start by using mindfulness and lovingkindness to look directly at the pain we have caused others and the pain we are experiencing ourselves. We look at our shame, our guilt, our fear, and our sadness with understanding and compassion. We see the difference between saying, I am very wrong, and I that is all that I am, and saying I did something very wrong, and I feel remorse about it.

Pg 57
A Heart as Wide as the World
Sharon Salzberg

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Time Acceleration

By Retrogirl, 2011-06-13

I've been meaning to post this for awhile now, but just didn't get around to it. It really describes what I've been going through, so I thought others might be interested. I've been going through an amazing amount of healing, but unlike everything up til a few months ago, it's not painful or difficult. I feel all the layers I'd built around myself almost melting away. It's been quite extraordinary.

Exponential Time Acceleration

March 9, 2011 marked the beginning of the ninth wave of the Universal Underworld. This is the final wave of a 16.4 billion year long cycle of the nine Underworlds of the Mayan Calendar and is only going to last 234 days. To put this in perspective, the eighth wave lasted 12.8 years (January 05, 1999 - March 09, 2011) and the seventh wave lasted 256 years (1755 - 1999). The human experience of time literally increases exponentially 20 times with the advent of each wave.

Think for a moment about the circumstances in your life 13 years ago and how much has changed for you in that time. That is the degree of transformation you can expect in this 234 day period.

Now consider how much the world changed from the mid-18th century to the end of the 20th century. That also exemplifies the degree of transformation you can expect to see between now and October 28, 2011.

The ninth and final wave of the Universal Underworld cycle ends on October 28, 2011 and according to Carl Calleman, this is the actual end of this cycle of the nine Underworlds of the Mayan Calendar instead of December 31, 2011 as indicated in many prophesies.

The Time is Now

All of the information and tools that you have been given from the Akashic Records Records including articles currently posted on the Akashic Insights website and recorded onto CDs has been to prepare you for this final intense wave of transition. This level of change is no longer a theoretical future point in time. You can integrate the insights given to gracefully navigate through these challenging times.

Earth Changes are inherently a part of the transition that you are experiencing and the timing of the Japan earthquake and tsunami directly correlates to beginning of the ninth wave. The speed with which the political unrest spread from Egypt through the Middle East is another indication that the accelerated times that you are living in cannot be denied.

As cataclysmic events and political unrest continue to occur, the consequences will inevitably affect the global economy, transportation andcommunication as well as food and water supplies. Of course it does not serve you to move into fear.

However, neither does it serve you to be in denial. You must consider the circumstances of your life from the objective point of view that the unexpected will occur and that it will inevitably affect each of you and those you love and take the appropriate actions to be prepared.

There's more of this article here:

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"Giving Up" Past Life

I'm desperate for any information on this life. I've tried googling it to see if I could find this scam somewhere in history, if it was something common, but I can't find anything.

England, industrial revolution. I thought it was Victorian, but must be pre-Victorian. I'm a woman, I'm not sure what happened, but I *think* I was previously married, my husband must've died, so I find myself alone. I may even have a child, but she's not with me. My parents weren't rich, but not dirt poor either. They seem to have gotten a lot of wealth vicariously from my marriage. I married up in class, my husband must've left me some money, but I think my dad had custody of it. I think my mom was caring for my child. I don't seem bothered by any of this, it all seems natural to me. Which is the weird part. Even the death of my husband didn't devastate me. I remain a very positive person. I'm courted by a man who acts like he is a dream. Even though my husband died(as opposed to being divorced), this makes me less desirable, so I'm thrilled to find such a great guy when he could have so many more desirable women.

After we marry, my money reverts to him, and I discover he's not at all who he made himself out to be. This comes as a great shock to me as I realize I'm trapped. I'm forced to work in his factory like a slave. This is a scam he's devised, he's done this with all kinds of women. We're all worked to the bone in his factory. I'm completely spent. I feel like there's no way out. As a woman with no rights, my husband basically owns me, and any attempt to break away & tell someone would only lead me to be sent back to him. It's such a strange situation. When I died, I was bringing buckets of water across a long field. I just couldn't take it. I was emotionally & physically exhausted. I saw no way out. I gave up. I just laid down & died. I don't know how you can just choose to die like that, but I did. The thing is, I was only a week or two away from being rescued. There were people in the law (seems to be more connected with lawyers & judges than police) who had discovered this scam (I'm pretty sure it was illegal to be married to more than one person at the time) and were on the verge of rescuing us. I gave up just before that could happen. I lost my faith.

When I first saw this life, I thought it was too close to that movie with Nicole Kidman & John Malkovich, The Portrait of a Lady, so I assumed it wasn't real. The first scene I saw was the point where I realized I was trapped, I hadn't seen the factory part yet. I only expanded on it one day in the sample room with Robyn, and I realized it wasn't like the movie at all really.

I would desperately love to find something in history to back this up, because it seems really fantastical to me. The man in this life was my ex. I find it strange that I have no ill feelings towards my ex. That person was so different from who he is now. But there are other people who I react to as if they were the old person.

I would love to know if anyone has ever heard of anything like this in history before!

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When I realized April was over, it dawned on me I'd forgotten my dad's birthday. No big surprise, I usually forget. Then, I made the mistake of calling them, and ended up getting into a debate with my mom about Stephen Harper. I was very depressed Tuesday morning when the Liberals got decimated, and Stephen Frigging Harper gained his majority government. He's the devil in disguise as far as I'm concerned, and I'm not exaggerating. He was buddy buddy with George Bush Jr. if that's any indication, and I'm no fan of GW (another offspring of the Satan). I consider myself to be a Liberal, but that doesn't mean I will vote Liberal regardless. I vote for the person who I think is the most honest, and who deep down cares about Canada. When I was younger, I didn't want to get involved in politics, and now I know why. I knew that if I was able to form an opinion, I'd be heartbroken if what I saw was right & honourable didn't happen. Which is exactly what happened.

In high school, some people came looking for people to represent Paul Martin. I hated politics, but I got involved for the experience. I learned a lot, both good & bad. I saw how passionate Paul Martin's supporters were about him. That impressed me. I also got a chance to meet him in person, and he struck me as very sincere, which came as a shock. I was under the impression that all politicians were dirty scoundrels. I don't think Ieven believed it at the time, but as the years wore on, the more my respect for him grew.

When Chretien was Prime Minister, it was obvious they didn't get along, but nonetheless, Martin preformed feats of sheer amazement with his budget balancing. Chretien only gave him the Finanace position because it's known to be the hardest in parliament, expecting him to fail, and he only shined more. Chretien was a little too corrupt for my liking, but I will always be proud of the way he spoke out against George W., when it wasn't popular to do so, and he was taking what was percieved to be a tremendous risk. As Chretien was on his way out, many scandals came to light about his questionable dealings, and as next in line for the leader's seat, my boy Paul got thrown under the bus for everything Chretien had done wrong.

In researching this to defend my position to my mom, I found out that the decisions he made as Finance minister, and Prime Minister are what helped keep Canada out of the awful economic crisis the States is in now, despite the fact he was being pressured to do so in order to keep Canada's market competitive with that of the US.

Martin was only Prime Minister for a short time, but he demonstrated a clear understanding of what makes Canada good.He was passionate about keeping Canada united, and I truly believe we could've done it with him in charge. But alas, it wasn't meant to be. Enter Stephen Harper with a political agenda that will tear this country apart. He's "tough on crime", yet his tactics have verged on, and sometimes entered, criminal territory. What saddens me the most is that the people don't see it!! He's very good at smearing other candidates, and candy coating his own slimy ass. I will forever mourn the loss of Paul Martin for Prime Minister.

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2 Poems

By Retrogirl, 2010-12-30

I used to write (what seemed like) a lot of poetry when I was younger. Most of the time, it never quite came out the way I wanted it to, but this one always felt particularly inspired to me, and now that I know about empaths, it's so obvious it's about being an empath in a world that wasn't designed for them. The second one is another one of my favourites because it was actually successful in capturing what it felt like for me growing up, like life was a game that everyone else knew the rules for, except me. And instead of trying to help me out, they just laughed or denied it existed.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Where the mind has to know,

my heart longs to go

flying to the open

country of uncharted dreams &

pleasures untold.

Secret Words passing

in the underground streams,

where my two worlds

interchange unseen;

too wild to bring

into my thoughts

or my imaginings ~

where the mind is prone to ask,

"Where are we going?

What ARE we doing here??"

And my heart steps back again

into unconsciousness

until she's sure

her reign will last

through the black &

confused nights along my path.


how do I play?

let me know

I never knew

I could play

what do I do?

whose move is it?

when do I get a turn?

let me in!!

let me in!!

give me a chance before I blow it.

I don't know what I'm doing

I'm desperate,

What a fool

You don't know what you're doing.

But I thought I was playing

by the rules.

The rules aren't real

just pretend &

see what happens

what rules?

I never said that.

make it up as you go along.

Is that how I play?

Are thosethe rules?

Let me in!!

Please give me a chance

I want to fit in.

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Even though nothing much has happened on the outside of me, I've been going through so much on the inside. I want so badly to blog it all, and I don't have as much time as I want!!! Damn work. WAH!!!

The last two years of my life have been really bad, and this has been probably the worst year ever, even though a lot of good things have happened: I got a promotion, and a raise, I found EC, Nova Scotia's economy has been largely untouched by the recent downturn. But, the feeling of being locked in a cage was too pervasive. Desperately wanting to be free, yet feeling like this was somehow happening the way it was meant to, and being so conflicted about it. I really feel like October was the lowest point in my life. My childhood was pretty bad, but there was hope for the future, that I'd get out of my house, and make a life for myself that would be better. So, basically the last few years, I felt like I was back home again, only I couldn't get out. That was depressing as hell. Feeling so powerless. All the while, my spirit guide is telling me it's all going to be OK & I should just be patient & make the best of it. Uh... yeah. NOT HELPFUL!!!! Not to mention the fact I couldn't be sure that's what he was actually saying, or whether it was just "wishful thinking" that everything would turn out OK on its own.

Then came Hallowe'en, and everything changed. I was so depressed because just like my feeling that things would change in August, I'd had a feeling that the middle of October was when it would go down. Well, that came & went too, and I had to get dressed up for a party I wasn't sure I even wanted to attend. I felt fat & hideous, like I'd be stuck in this miserable existence forever. At least I had a really cool pink wig! (I've always wanted to have pink hair!)

In about 2 minutes, my life changed 180 degrees. I felt infused with LIFE. I've had a Facebook account for a few years now, but never really used it. It was too depressing, I didn't want pictures of me on there. I was afraid of adding too many men because BF would get jealous, or start asking ridiculous questions. I missed my 20 year high school reunion (which was also in October) because I was too depressed about the state of my life, and too fat to fake it. =( I stopped wishing people Happy Birthday, and sending presents, even to my nieces! Now, I'm on Facebook everyday looking to reconnect with people.

Things sort of came to a head on Tuesday. I had the worst day. I hadn't been sleeping well, work sucked, people were irritating me, getting on my nerves, for no real reason. My co-worker sent me some bullshit quote from the Secret, and all I could think was, "SO WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME???" I left work, thinking I'd left it all behind and the next day would be better. Not so fast. There was a massive traffic jam. Every effort I made to go around it ended up taking me longer than it would've before. My 15 minute drive took me over an hour. When I finally got home, BF drops a bomb on me that Fisherman dude had gone downtown with our friend Jess on the weekend, and now he "likes her". I was crushed. I could accept the fact that he would be dating other chicks, but not ones I knew, and liked. It was all too much. What was worse was that I couldn't let BF see me crying. Trying to grieve, and maintain the appearance of everything being OK at the same time was excruciating. Of course, I'm used to it! My whole world came crashing down around me. I went to sleep thinking I'm just too sensitive & insecure, and that I would never fall in love because of it.

Wednesday morning, I woke feeling... fantastic! I didn't care if he was seeing other chicks, how do I even know he's The One? I don't! I just knew everything was going to be OK. Whether it was him or someone else, I knew it didn't matter. Or no one at all. It was just... gone. I felt better than ever. Renewed.

I think this was a sign that things have really changed ~ that morning, I accidentally found my first boyfriend from junior high on Facebook. I thought about it for about 2 minutes, then I added him as a friend. He accepted almost immediately, God knows what he was doing up at 5:30 in the morning! (with the time difference from Calgary!) You see, he came to our school in grade 2. I remember the first day he was on the bus, I felt like I recognized him. I just knew he was important to me. We were both quite shy, but everyone knew that we liked each other. It was sort of a given. At our first junior high dance, he asked me to "go around" with him. Of course, I said yes. Oh wait, I don't think he asked me, I think his best friend did! LOL!!!! He used to carry my saxophone to the bus for me. I was petrified of him the entire time. I couldn't say hi to him when we passed in the halls. I could dance with him, but even then I'd have the occasional panic attack (although no one knew but me.) I was frozen in fear. I never kissed him. I could barely talk to him for frig's sake. This was a time when you would make a date to kiss somewhere in the playground, and everyone would crowd around to watch. Uh... I don't think so!! I remember getting him a Christmas card that implied I wanted him to kiss me, but before I could give it to him, he broke up with me. Or, rather, his best friend broke up with me!!! I was devastated and numb. I didn't blame him. I felt awful for not being able to be a good girlfriend. I feel like half of me died that day. It was the beginning of a long downward spiral. I was embarassed about the whole situation. I felt like everyone could see all my horrible faults, and they were all laughing at me. This was the beginning of pretending that everything was Ok, when I felt like nothing would ever be OK again. I felt like he was the one I was meant to be with, and I had screwed it up so badly, like I'd somehow messed up the very fabric of time & space. I had a lot of trouble finding another boyfriend after that. I always kicked myself for not just doing it. Yet, when I'd find myself in similar situations, I'd freeze up just the same. I've never dated someone I actually liked since. It was the only way I could deal with the overwhelming anxiety that accompanied the whole thing. I pretty much pretended he didn't even exist. A couple of times in my 20's a mutual friend had run into him, and mentioned that he asked about me. It was nice to know that he cared, but I was still embarassed about the whole thing, and unable to come to terms with it. I was waiting for the day I would look back on that & laugh, but that day never came. It always felt like a black mark on my soul. Suddenly, there he was, and connecting with him again felt like a natural thing to do. I thought the only way we'd ever reconnect would be in heaven, once this life was over.

Yesterday, we had the day off in honour of Rememberance Day, and I fell asleep on the couch watching a movie. I was awoken by a phantom smell of smoke, which caught my attention because I thought something was on fire. It went away, so I relaxed again. Right in front of me on the wall was a ladybug. Strange to see one at this time of year. I saw one about 3 years ago, with 3 spots on its back. It was one of those things, I felt like it was a sign, that it made sure I noticed it. I had read recently that the number of spots on a ladybug was said to be a sign of how much time will pass before you get your wish. Well, I was hoping it was 3 months!!! No dice. At the time, I couldn't even conceive that I would be in this relationship for another 3 years. I thought 2 at the absolute outset max. So, anyway, I saw this ladybug yesterday after being mysteriously awoken from my nap. I couldn't even count the number of spots there were so many, but it seemed to be indicating to me this one would be # of days. I don't know how I know that, but whatever.

So, I'm still in this weird position of feeling perched on the brink of awesomeness, but nothing has really changed yet. Except I feel like a new person.

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