For a while, the past month or less, I haven't been myself. I didn't truly realize why until now. I realize why I'm sad, why I've been so hard on myself when I mess up (which is unusual because usually I'm like "okay i made this mistake, it happens, no biggie").
I feel lonely...abandoned.
It's taken me a while to think on this and find out exactly what's going on with me, but now I understand. For months, I have been lonely in this house, and most of my life, I've been used to being alone, talking to my good online friends, but as of late, I've changed. I feel like I need love, and yet I don't want to be clingy or anything.
I just feel like my friends abandoned me, and that I've been a bother in the past, so for months, I've rarely ever gotten calls from anyone in town, and I've rarely seen them. I try hanging out now but people are busy yet they'll make time for others...right.
I know I have good online friends, but on Facebook, i see my friends' profiles, and they are crowded with their friends in town, and get all the support for their music, but when I dare do the same thing, no one really ever looks at my music or likes my statuses much. I'm beginning to question myself, even though as of late I haven't posted anything depressing for a long time. It just seems like people don't care to contact me anymore, the ones in town. I feel unloved and abandoned.
Also, I feel like after all these years of not caring about being single, I'm starting to feel an empty void in my heart. I feel I need someone to break me, to tell me I'm wrong, because I know what I'm saying probably isn't right, that I shouldn't be hard on myself, but I just am questioning myself after all this. I feel hurt and alone...very alone. I'm glad to have my online friends though, but I just wish my friends here would like me again ....and they were good friends too...what happened?
Also, any girl I end up falling in love with is either too far away, ends up being dramatic, or ends up being a back stabber. And now if I DO have feelings for someone, I say to myself, "she can do better than me". It's just not normal, and it's not as simple as depression, I went through years of that, I would know. Maybe there's something else beyond what I've realized that I'm not seeing. I don't want to be alone anymore, and now I feel I can't trust them, and I can trust you all more, even though in the past they used to be really close to me as I was to them. This is not good.
So my question to you all is, what else could this be? What do I do?