I'm not confident in myself right now, nor the flyer idea regarding my discussion post about how to approach this woman I'm deeply connected to, yet have never met. I guess I have been verbally abusing myself, just like my father used to. I am scared. Lately especially today, things have not been well with me. I can honestly say I am in great emotional pain.
Long story short, I've never held a job past 3 months, and I really hope that changes with this job I have, today I had an emotional breakdown because a guy made me angry and cost me deliveries to get tip money. I guess I had a moment of fear, moment of greed, a moment of weakness, because after everything I've been through, I wanted to get every opportunity I could get, I feared something would go wrong. I DID get sent home, but the assistant manager cares about me and talked to me about it, he forgives me. I am so lucky....but even so, it's also the fact I am very alone...very lonely, and it hurts. I still feel bad for today and how I acted.
Sometimes, I wish my friends weren't always busy, that I wasn't always in this house alone, and that I had someone to come home to sometimes or hang out with, someone I can be with in person . A lot of my life has been like this off and on. I can do some things alone, and some things, I need someone to help me realize I'm wrong. I talk down to myself too much....I guess that's another reason I'm not so patient about this situation to meet this person, I get the feeling they're very special and could be here for me as well as me being there for them, as I know they're hurt too. That's the kind of relationship I really want to have, teamwork.
I guess I'm at the point where as much as I've done so much alone, I need someone to progress further, to give me strength. I am as strong as I can get on my own, and I am pretty strong, but also sensitive, and some things I can't do alone. I hate this....I hate going through it. I feel so hurt right now. Another thing I'm afraid of is, what if this woman is just like last time I felt this special connection? There was only one other time, and I wondered when I would feel it again. She ended up being a manipulator, a liar, even though she was a blue aura Empath. I was there for her, a good friend. She broke my heart and I thought she was sincere about things, and it's made me scared to love like this ever since.
There's some of the things bothering me, my heart is just a mess right now