Emotional Breakdown

By: RealFaction
Posted in:

I'm not confident in myself right now, nor the flyer idea regarding my discussion post about how to approach this woman I'm deeply connected to, yet have never met. I guess I have been verbally abusing myself, just like my father used to. I am scared. Lately especially today, things have not been well with me. I can honestly say I am in great emotional pain.

Long story short, I've never held a job past 3 months, and I really hope that changes with this job I have, today I had an emotional breakdown because a guy made me angry and cost me deliveries to get tip money. I guess I had a moment of fear, moment of greed, a moment of weakness, because after everything I've been through, I wanted to get every opportunity I could get, I feared something would go wrong. I DID get sent home, but the assistant manager cares about me and talked to me about it, he forgives me. I am so lucky....but even so, it's also the fact I am very alone...very lonely, and it hurts. I still feel bad for today and how I acted.

Sometimes, I wish my friends weren't always busy, that I wasn't always in this house alone, and that I had someone to come home to sometimes or hang out with, someone I can be with in person :(. A lot of my life has been like this off and on. I can do some things alone, and some things, I need someone to help me realize I'm wrong. I talk down to myself too much....I guess that's another reason I'm not so patient about this situation to meet this person, I get the feeling they're very special and could be here for me as well as me being there for them, as I know they're hurt too. That's the kind of relationship I really want to have, teamwork.

I guess I'm at the point where as much as I've done so much alone, I need someone to progress further, to give me strength. I am as strong as I can get on my own, and I am pretty strong, but also sensitive, and some things I can't do alone. I hate this....I hate going through it. I feel so hurt right now. Another thing I'm afraid of is, what if this woman is just like last time I felt this special connection? There was only one other time, and I wondered when I would feel it again. She ended up being a manipulator, a liar, even though she was a blue aura Empath. I was there for her, a good friend. She broke my heart and I thought she was sincere about things, and it's made me scared to love like this ever since.

There's some of the things bothering me, my heart is just a mess right now :(

04/29/14 08:56:06PM @realfaction:

Thanks Carolanne. You're absolutely right. Though I wonder why I'm sad because I'm lonely and feel alone, I feel like that's part of the cause. I used to be stronger than this until recently. I just really miss my friends who are always busy and I feel like I have no one to talk to in person most of the time, I just really miss that :(. I guess you could say I am upset and hurt by my father and this person I used to be in love with. It's why I'm afraid of love. I want someone to prove me wrong, break me in the best way, to show me some good insight. Maybe I need someone positive.

Doctors wont help me, it's just a heart thing, I need to ffind that inner peace and figure out what to do and how to achieve it. I feel like talking helps, I guess that's why I'm upset, because I feel like I want someone here to talk to since all my friends got busy, I feel "left behind". Most of the time I'm stronger than this, but I guess because I also get so passionate about what I do, I'm hard on myself because I don't get the results I want from myself sometimes. It's also fear. I just need to relax and know my life is going in a better direction and nothing will go wrong. I guess I really miss my friends. In a lot of areas I believe in myself but a few I do not.

One problem I find insanely weird that I KNOW is wrong, is the fact that whenever I see a woman who has impressed me so much I feel intimidated by them, I feel I could never impress someone like them or be with them because I'm not "good enough". I don't know why I think like that, but I feel maybe it's related. Usually those that I admire so much are the ones I deeply love and fall for. Maybe it's also because of my past and that I'm not confident enough, and I know I can be such an emotional handful sometime and do not wish to bother them. I guess sometimes i feel like a bother. Anyway, thank you for the kind words, I shall work on that.

04/30/14 09:28:48AM @realfaction:

Awww :) thank you Liz. That made me smile, you are really sweet. Thank you. I think there's also something I may not be seeing, because I also realized that yesterday I just wasn't myself. I'm not usually one to be greedy or worry about money now or anything, it was some episode and I feel ashamed for it. I wasn't myself but I am not letting that happen again. I find it strange that I got so angry, I think it goes deeper than that. I'm honestly not sure. Thank you for your support, you're very kind and that does help.

I guess ever since I've had this connection with this woman, I have been stressed and not myself. I guess that's why I've been so eager to meet her because I want to fix this and help her. She lives on the first floor yet there's no real "opening" without seeming creepy. I feel somehow this is the root of the problems, or one of them. I just can't wait till this is over, it's torture, just like last time, it lasted for years, and I hope this doesn't. Thank you again.

04/30/14 02:58:14PM @realfaction:

Thank you. I just can't seem to find one because I don't know how'd I meet her outside, she seems to be inside a lot, like me. I just don't know what to do. Yes, I should work on it, but this is by far the hardest. Just ever since this woman came along it's made me feel more emotional and sensitive. I feel support would help. Anyway, thank you as always.