Hi everyone, my name is Joshua, it's really nice to meet you all. I have known about my empath capabilities for quite some time now. I'm currently thirty, when I was a teenager, I thought I was just super sensitive, but as I get older and more of the things I sensed proved to be accurate, i know I am different. So far, I have met a few other empath who were on a different path as me. Most seem to be more on the darker and negative side which really scares me. One of my strength is that I can tell what I understood as positive and negative (yang and yin) energy of people and how far on each end they lean. (To clarify, here they don't mean good or bad, male or female, to me it is just energy classification, more like the opposite end of a magnet). As such, I am also very sensitive to the energy of places, very much in the Chinese FengShui sense. I have not taken lessons, nor have I spent a lot of time researching, but I can tell who can do well in what kind of space and what space is fad for business. When I was little, I get a fever every time I enter a very extreme yin affiliation space, since I am more on the yang side. Not sure if I am making sense to you guys here.
I feel my power is getting stronger as I grow older, especially with people. I feel every one of their emotions as if I were them and very negative, sad, generally upsetting moods really affect mine. It is to the point that I can feel someone in the far corner of a large room. Of course positive energy make me very happy, but the reverse really drain my energy, the extreme ones can even result in the manifestation of physical pains. I do my best to stay away from the really negative ones, but they seem to seek me out and ask for my advice all the time, due to my work (branding consultant), I cannot avoid that at all. I constantly feel drained and have always had bad headaches.
I enjoy making people happy, as I can feel it too (not sure for us empaths that counts as selfless or selfish). I really care about my friends and I have a good number of them. My best friends I met randomly and instantly become close friends, I guess it is chemistry. In my friendships and even with acquaintances, I am the role of group leader, love doctor, and generally the one taking care of everyone's emotional needs, but I am rarely able to get the same help reciprocated from others. They do try, but it seems I have trouble putting my issues into words. To me, it is just a bunch of tangled up web, impossible to clarify. I am normally very eloquent, but when it comes to expressing my needs I often become list for words and my sentences become steams of consciousness, I.e. People get confused. I get very frustrated with that. As a result, I spent most of my time focusing on other people and have trouble making my own goals or plans, this i am learning to adjust, but would still need a lot of advice and practice.
In terms of relationships, I attract people easily but the problem is the types I attract. It is usually a combination of really confident girls or the opposite, needy girls or, get this, straight men. I consider myself open when it cones to sexuality, as it has always been the energy of the person that attracts me and the gender rarely matters. But with this odd mix of fatal attractions, I constantly end up with drama. The really confident self-sufficient girls after they meet me, they become super needy. The needy ones get worse. The straight men is the most troublesome as you can imagine the dilemma I would be in. These are also mostly alpha male, so the intensity and the drama and the damages on me is significantly more intense. I used to laugh at the ones who say I am the first guy they have ever loved and they don't like other men at all and now I know it is possible. And because of that first ever love thing, they often end up blaming me for their attraction to me (let's face it men are still generally more homophobic). Nowadays I try to keep my romantic interest vast so I don't concentrate on giving one person my love, since I cannot deal with the drama. I am not a playboy, I say upfront that I like the lovers system and don't sent to commit to one person, but the truth is, I am afraid of the often dramatic start and more dramatic finish. As a result, I feel very alone.
The worst is that people have come to rely on me a lot, even the most self sufficient person becomes needy, lovers or friends. I feel drained constantly. And for sone reason they respect me and take me for granted at the same time, hard to explain the feeling. I want to stay away, but I love people, I need to see friends everyday otherwise I feel empty. I almost feel like I am self destructive.
I have found ways to cope like watching tv or sleeping, but this is getting worse as my work and personal stress gets bigger and the fact that no matter how many people I surround myself with, I feel very alone and different. My friends say I am too proud to ask for help, but i don't agree because I have an innate sense of not wanting to trouble or upset people, because I know how the depressing energy of others make me feel. Then they feel rejected and hurt. My friendships often become as dramatic as my romantic relationships.
So I have been doing my best to move ahead, and I think I am doing well in keeping up appearances, but my physical and emotional condition is getting worse internally, I worry how long I can last this way.
I do have a very high standard for myself so I don't tolerate personal failure, but blaming myself for not meeting my standards has increased guilt and other negative emotions, draining myself on top of those from others.
I am sorry for venting so much information, but as I said, when it comes to my own problems, I have trouble expressing. I really hope to learn from everyone here on how to improve. I really need it. Thank you all! Again, a pleasure to have found you, my kin.