I am not well. The control I usually have over it all is gone. Impulsive, conflicted, selfish are not me but lately they are. It spills into every waking thought and since I cannot sleep it is a constant drone on my spirit. Solice escapes me. Peace is a dream.
An internal force of unknown origin drives my daily search for meaning. I have health. I have wealth. I am loved but I am empty. Many care and worry over me.much to my disgust about myself btw. How have I arrived here? More important how do I leave this place. What purpose can it serve to be an empath and feel more than others if it does no one any good? I am not cursed, I cannot believe in such superstitions. I ask the universe for things and moments and they are granted on a daily basis yet still I am alone in pain; wondering why I ask, why am I rewarded?
I have been called gifted and talented. I have never had the intimacy I need from a woman. I have been given love, and trust and devotion but not intimacy..that elusive touch which instantly calms and bonds us to another..never as an adult have I had that. All else is meaningless without it. Its all a charade and act that leads to the next moment of expectation and the next act and charade leaving behind the pothole of hollow which I have carried with me all my life. I am not innocent I am not evil. I have much to share and grow increasingly less willing to do so as I encounter more and more souls with no real appreciation for what my gift is. I am no longer angry but I am tired. Tired of carrying the feelings of others across the finish line for them. While a handshake and thank you used to be enough, they are no longer worth the effort.
No tar for my pothole can be found. It lies before me no matter what road I have chosen. I risk home and happiness in search of it. All could be gone in an instant if anyone knew who I really am. I am disappointing all who love me and they are clueless that I am so.
Death often walks with me cackling and taunting as I search. Angry it is as I have escaped its clutches more times than one man is entitled to. But even when I wish it away and it goes..it echoes in my sleep as an easy fix for me. I am too cowardly to take that route but not brave enough to go on so I sit in my pothole and listen to the rain.