Realization of my true self
*Warning: Incomplete ramble below that jumps around at times*
Feeling like a victim to my life, as if I didn't have choices, was the reason for my self-pity and negative circumstances. It is MY fault I am where I am. This has taken me a LONG time to realize, but it is my truth and I have to speak my truth, because it comes from loving kindness, a hard life and a life of transformation. I chose to do the things I did, because I needed the experience. I needed to experience suffering and pain and life and loss. Because it made the sensitive, empath, introvert, brilliant child with the biggest heart have some courage so that she may shine in this world. So that she will be strong enough to shine her goodness on this difficult world.
If you've been through tough times and are still here - congratulations!!! You are a warrior. A warrior of love and light and you can take what you have learned, and the strength and character you've developed, and put it to good use. Now is your time to shine!
Challenges and pain are not bad. Repressing them is. The bad makes us appreciate the good. The good rejuvenates us, makes us feel lively The downtimes are for resting. Deaths are to be cried over. This is life. A good life. Where we take the good with the bad. We accept all feelings, because it feels GREAT to feel deeply. I love crying and feeling sad. I embrace that humanness in me.
I am imperfect. I have scars. I have been near death and back. I have felt so elated I didn't care if I lived or died. I have been at such peace that I am fine with just being.
Suffering, being without, having nothing, and not letting it bother me, just accepting it, has given me such gratitude.
I have found my self, my soul, and I love her. Joy and love is my fuel. My body needs very little. I just want to live and enjoy life. My purpose so far has been to love and accept my self. I took a long, roundabout way of getting here, but I realize it was meant to be.
Now I may love others unconditionally. Now I am not offended by others. I show love where I see suffering. Because I've been there and I know what it's like and I have deep compassion for people who suffer as I did and I know what they are lacking.
I know that the majority of the people in this world are lacking self-love, joy, soul-connection, and self-acceptance. We are living in a world where pain and fear prevails. But that is an illusion. The outer world is a reflection of the inner.
I choose to be a Loveworker. Because that is who I am. I was born a loving child who loved my mother more than she loved me or herself. She had me to fill her lack of self-love, so I have spent my life caring about everyone but myself
When I realized how important and effective intent (or intention) is in life (where the energy goes, life flows...) I remembered my mom saying the reason she had me was because she wanted to start her own family because she felt her's had fallen apart. But I realized, through talking to her and others, and through observation and understanding and my own experiences, that she herself felt incomplete (lack of self-love) and thought I would complete her.
So I was conceived with the intent of fulfilling someone else's love. That is in my genes! That is why I was born super sensitive, an empath, a calm/quiet/good child. My purpose was to make others happy. To care about others more than myself. And that I did!
It was Hard - having that obligation in my genes from birth, my purpose being to fulfill others' lack of love, dissolve their pain, anything to make them happy, and not getting love in return that was compatible to the amount I felt in my heart for others, plus the fact that my parents were unable to love me unconditionally due to their lack of self-love and not feeling whole themselves (as much of the people in the world). It was a tug of war with people and the world. Trying to give love and avoid pain, and never feeling fulfilled or giving what I was capable of, because of a lack of self-love - in all of us!
Always hungry. Always trying to fill that lack with something. I put on over 100 lbs and I'm down over 130 lbs now. I tried to end my life when I was 18. I have worked full-time in accounting and gone to school full-time online for English at the same time. I have been homeless in the winter months. I have starved. I have experienced addictions and abstinence. I dropped out of high school and I got my GED without studying. I went to college (3 different majors) and I have yet to graduate. I have slept in a crack house when I didn't do crack, I have stopped and hugged a homeless person on the street when I wasn't homeless, I have lived life for the sake of experience so that I could understand how the world works, so that I may help change it. Because I realized the problem wasn't me. The problem is that the world is not a good place - for anyone. For any of us. No one enjoys the way the world is currently going!
Back to being born with the instinct to care for others more than myself. I was willing to die than to hurt others. I would so easily sacrifice my life than to hurt others or see people hurt. The hurt in this world weighed me down. The pain in this world was too great for me to bear. I did not want to add to it. It wasn't me. If I couldn't contribute positively, I'd rather not be here.
After much trial and error, I have come to love myself as an individual, beautiful soul with my own purpose, and developing love for myself is part of the equation of being so loving and giving to others. Because I cannot be a loveworker if I do not love myself first. I cannot help people if I don't take care of me first.
So this has been a long journey of not knowing who I was, losing myself, trying on different costumes, stripping away the layers, getting to the nitty gritty of my true self, and then building myself up again, to the person I truly am and want to be.
I hope to publish my story and journals of this transformation someday, for free, because I believe everyone should have unconditional access to this knowledge to better their lives and become whole.
We are special, beautiful souls, each with our own purpose. We are each a unique puzzle piece that fits together in the complete puzzle of life.
I hope you enjoy the rest of 2016. Make it count.
P.S. I loved watching this video for March this morning: http://www.leeharrisenergy.com/lheblog/march-2016-energy-forecast