A Leap of Faith
Faith is a very ambiguous topic for someone who was not brought up with any denomination or set of beliefs. Not baptized, not forced in any religious direction. But maybe that was a direction. A direction of unknowing. A floater. No belief to ground "the balloon" me to the ground.
So I set out on life trying to find my belief. To understand the world around me. Because I did not come with an instruction manual. And my soul, my true self, did not align to the world around me. I was a pure breed. A pure consciousness that had no understanding of wrongdoing until I entered kindergarten and was shown that even someone of my age, whom I thought was as innocent as I, could be so cruel.
I couldn't trust anyone. Not even myself. For I, like life, was unpredictable. Just when I thought I understood something...BAM...I was awakened with a slap in my sensitive face that this was a brutally harsh world for my sensitive body and soul.
I was afraid. I was deathly afraid...for my life and wellbeing...in a world of carnivorous creatures. I had to stay quiet in order to survive. Because if they knew me, if they knew how delicately sensitive of a creature I was...they would eat me alive.
I knew this...because I could sense their soul and how insensitive...unaware...it was. It was in a distant world that did not care for another human being (soul). It only cared to empower itself and delight in the pain of another. It was evil. It was untameable. It was a disease. And I chose to avoid it by keeping to myself in hopes that I wouldn't be discovered.
In my dreams...my nightmares...big, dark, ugly monsters...thirty times my size...would show up when I was in the middle of playing or doing something...in my dreams. The first time that one showed up, I was taken off guard, completely surprised...shocked...by its vastly grosteque appearance in my beautiful, innocent dream...and I perished from sheer fright...and being consumed (eaten) by the monster.
However, I grew to sense when this large, ugly, scary monster was about to enter my dream, and I learned how to deal with it. I learned that when I sensed it approaching, I would curl up in a ball and cover my head with my arms and hands, to block out all light and vision, while clenching my eyelids tight and pretending as if I wasn't there. As if I didn't exist. Because if I couldn't see the monster, it couldn't see me.
That was my way of dealing with something scary in my life. Learning how to avoid (work with) it so that I would go about unseen, unhurt...by the monsters.
It worked pretty well. I was rarely bullied, I was rarely physically hurt, and I was not sexually hurt (at least, not where I felt completely powerless, gratefully). I consider myself lucky, or maybe fortunate. I've been through hell and back, I can guarantee that, but it was all in my choosing. It was to gain experience, through my soul guiding me, and I never lost complete touch with my soul...even during those times where I felt so lost or when I thought I was all right but was actually far from the truth.
My soul, my guardian angel(s?), God, the universal lifeforce energy...has been with me this whole time. It has been carrying me through life, even during those times I felt like I was steering.
Now I am letting go and falling into the arms of...the angel, the energy, the flow...whatever it is...because it is a place of peace, of understanding, of warmth, and love so vast that...I cannot go wrong. I am letting my soul steer the boat.
I am crying as I write this. I am so full of emotional energy that my body changes according to my fire...or lack there of. I have cold hands right now because I'm not feeling joy. Because my soul is not singing. I know that my body will guide me to where my soul needs to go. I just got chills now...and I know that is my soul saying, "Yes! Go that way." I know that my soul needs to be fed as much as I do. My soul's source of food is joy. Pure joy in its entirety.
But my soul (and I) both need to rest and regroup when the joy (or the pain or sorrow) get to be too much. Too overstimulating. "Ooh..." or "Oops.." "...need to take a breather and reevaluate this direction. "Am I in the flow? Am I in line with my universal purpose, while satisfying my soul and my self?" Balance. Redirection. Being aware enough to realize...or notice...when I'm going fullsteam ahead and not paying attention to the hidden subtleties of the universe's flow. Because it is not just my flow I need to follow...I need to be flowing with the universe's flow too...and that is always changing...because there are many souls, each following their flow, within the vast universal flow, so when a soul changes their direction, it can affect my direction, and I need to be aware of this grand energetic flow to stay afloat and floating down the river of life, rather than upstream. Because my flow...the one that seemed SO right just a moment ago...can change direction in a moment's notice...like a current or a riptide...and if I'm oblivious to the universal current, and just keep going in my own direction, I will find myself swimming against the tide. But that's okay. It happens, because it's easy to get caught up in what I want/need to do and forget about what's going on around me. So I tune back in to my self, my body, my soul, and listen for the current...to see where I can catch a wave with grace and ease.
Being so full of this creative energy can be blinding. I can get caught up in my goals, my purpose, my project and ignore all else. When the discomfort of my body or soul gets great enough (shouting sometimes), I must redirect my attention inward and find my peace and calm again before proceeding further. It's a dance between being a creator and creating. Between being the artist and being the art. Between doing and being. Between human and soul. The beautiful dance of life. Of give and take. Of love and loss. Of joy and sorrow. And nothing is right or wrong. It all just...is.
I am not swept up in the tide of creating or creator or lover or victim. I am none and all. I am neither and I am everything. We all are. We're all beautiful dancers in this life. Dancing to and fro with ourselves and with each other.
Do you like to dance?
If the answer is no, well, I feel sorry for you. I hope that you will find a way to liberate your soul that will allow you to play a part in this "game" of life.
If you do like to dance, would you like to dance with me?
I can say...with clear intent...that...
it's no fun dancing alone