Completely awakened soul and heart but my body and mind are not
I just thought I'd share how I'm feeling today and some of my experiences of enlightenment. (A brief history: my spiritual awakening was just under 5 months ago, when I realized I was an empath and went from left-brained/type A behavior to suddenly spiritual and my true right-brained/type B self during a grounding practice. I've gone through many "growth spurts" since then and below is where I'm at now, today.)
I get many signs and I experience many things that the normals do not. But I know it's just my ego seeing these things as meaningful to help guide my human body where my soul needs to go. Other people don't see them as meaningful but they exist for everyone. We all live in our own perspective. Each one of us has a different one. Mine tends to be a spiritual one and god is calling me to follow my intuition and trust and have faith. I do (most of the time) and I try to do what's right for me and the greater good, but then the normals make their opinion clear to me, which is that they think there is something wrong with me. For example, someone will say something to me that snaps me out of my pure perspective and sucks me back into theirs. And I'm confronted with the majority's perspective again.
This world is not one I want to live in. I want to be free and to give my love freely and help people. I don't want to use my time to earn money or support a system or ways of living I don't believe in. I'm also so open (energetically) that I know my own truth and I can see things that others don't see about themselves, because I've been in their shoes before, but they haven't been in mine. They think I'm crazy but I know I'm not. I can see how fearful they are and how fear and time and money is making them more and more delusional, but I don't tell them that. I just try to be me, truly and unapologetically, and show them how to live and be the role model and the best friend and the affectionate mother I always wanted yet didn't feel I fully had. I've stopped looking outside myself for the answers for the things I need, because they are all within me and each one of us. I've done enough learning and seeking that I've realized there are no answers, no truth; it is purely subjective and we create our reality. Many don't want to believe this though and most simply don't believe me because they simply can't see it my way. Their brains simply cannot put themselves into a perspective they haven't been in before.
I felt so much peace in my heart the other night, while resting before bed, that I felt my soul start to leave my body, but I got scared, afraid of not breathing and dying, so I took a deep breath and was fully in my body again. I'm able to change my weight on the scale based on my thoughts. I noticed that negative thoughts (like doubt, fear, worry, and disappointment) make me heavier instantly (I gained 3+ lbs in a matter of minutes, and the water/fat/muscle/bone percentages, on my scale, fluctuate greatly and oddly in those few minutes, as if the electrical current that goes up my feet from the scale to obtain these percentages, can't read my internals right - too much light inside?). I'm hearing and seeing things I can confirm exist but normal people just aren't aware of because they aren't listening or paying attention. They are caught up in their thoughts and the everyday world (this happens to me too; I'm not always in a hypersensitive state).
I'm nothing special. I'm just paying attention. And the more I pay attention and listen, the more that I experience around me. But I feel so terribly alone, because no person around me has made me feel like I wasn't alone, like I wasn't the only one experiencing this. I have no friends to share these phenomena with.
I'm not trying to make anything happen by any means. Things happen in my environment when an amazing thought comes to me, like sheets of snow fall off two sections of a house I pass by, the window shade jumps up a foot on its own, the web browser on my tablet doesn't work for me, electricity (light bulbs and electronics) act funny around me (sometimes turning on or off on their own).
I don't know what to make of all this but it's happening so fast without me even trying, just being in tune to the present and not worrying and not feeling fear. I'm able to understand animals and I feel the energy from trees and rocks. I'm a true child of mother earth and I only want to love and heal people and our planet. I feel the energy in my own body, like an electrical current, zinging and vibrating, coursing through my body. I feel so alive.
I also feel the energy from artificial sources, like computers and clocks, so I use them as little as possible. Anything unnatural I dislike, including myself not being truly me or doing things that I don't want to do, that I know isn't right. I just want to connect and do things in person all the time, not artificially through technology.
But a part of me feels stressed, pressured by the modern/economic/fear-based world, to do the things people do here that are so unnatural and hurtful. I see the bigger picture. I see the past and where the future will be if we keep living in the past. I see the present for what it is and what can be done in the present to create a better world tomorrow. I see how things truly are from my objective, outside perspective.
I don't want to be a leader or a follower; I just want to be, to co-exist with everyone and everything, humbly as equals. I feel so wonderful some days, putting smiles on people's faces, but other days something horrible happens (to my HS - highly sensitive - self) and I feel at the mercy of this cruel world again, living in fear and thinking too much, like most everyone else. And they sense my fear, and it makes them afraid when I'm afraid. I'm trying to be strong despite everything, but days like today make me want out.
I don't want to live this way. I don't want any of us to. I want people to wake up. I want to change things but there's so much that needs to be changed and I'm overwhelmed by it and feeling so different, like an alien on this planet, just because I see things from a different perspective. But mine is a good perspective, so I don't want to see things from their perspective - I've been there before.
I've been the person with road rage who only thought of themself and was addicted to shopping at malls and had "needs" and fears that weren't real. I'm dispelling all of those false beliefs, my false self. I'm ready to move on to the world I want to live in as my newly awakened self, who gives and doesn't need to receive, who doesn't even need to eat or breathe; just be and feel connected.
I want to use my kind, warm heart and healing ability to help children and animals, the ones who are truly in need in this world. The adults on this planet are delusional because of their own fears and judgments, which are simply thoughts blown out of proportion from not speaking up, and desires that they think will fill the emptiness in their own heart, which is from a lack of love and uncertainty about their place here; and time, money, and fear keeps the ball rolling, and gaining speed and size.
The ego is always hungry. My heart and soul is so enlightened but my body and mind are still rudimentary. My body hurts and my mind is misfiring.
Sharing this with the hope that someone out there will be able to relate, or that this will help someone. God bless.