I am living in my mothers apartment, well, the apartment I lived in as a kid and grew up in!
My mom died a year and a half ago.
I lived with her here the last years of her life.
My mother was a cruelly abusive narcissist.
Needless to say my childhood was rough. My struggle with getting loose from her energy continues to this day.
I used to have sort of nightmares that I was living in a house that was someone else's house and all over the place was their stuff and everything was old and dusty and abandoned by them. Sometimes there'd be rooms that were terrifying to visit because there were evil ghosts that lived there.
I feel like living in this house is sort of like that for real. There is sooooo much stuff of hers, so much ghostly memory of childhood.
It feels very heavy and very depressing.
I'd like to get out of here but the rent is affordable and I'm not in a position to pay more or move.
The heaviness of being here makes it hard to move forward.
I keep asking myself...why did I come back here?... because I think there was a reason that my higher self guided me to come back.
I knew I wanted to face what I had run away from, try to retrieve parts of myself that were left here.
It felt impossible while she was alive because I had to be so guarded around her, which is what it was like as a kid also, and because she was not well she was always in the house. I craved the silence and space of her being gone so that I could feel myself.
Anyway, today I'm cleaning the place. It feels so heavy and cleaning lightens it up. It's ugly and in need of so much repair and work, it's hard to even be motivated to clean because really I just want to run away or burn the place down.
But I do feel like there's still some important reason to be here and I'm not sure if that's something I'm just telling myself because I'm trying on some level to be loyal to my Mom and suffer and punish myself or if it's legit.
I've been throwing stuff away, that always feels good. I'm still sorting out the nature of who she was and the effect of our relationship on me.
It's not easy. I really hope to get to the point of being ready to let it all go and move forward. She has been the source of so much pain in my life.
I've recently decided that the trauma and pain of living this life as her daughter has been the catalyst that led me to go so deep with myself and explore so wide spiritually. If I didn't have to figure out how to go forward and survive the experience I wouldn't have developed spiritually and intellectually like I have.
That's my attempt at looking for something positive about the experience. But, it is true and it makes me feel better to see that.