digging my heels in?

By: Lele
Posted in:

I have been at home trying to heal from a heel injury. I think I've got a hairline fracture in my calcaneus.

It was coming along but I re-injured and backslid.

So, it's been about 5 days that I'm home and staying off of it (for the most part). Swelling is down but if I am up and around for 2 or 3 hours it starts to swell again. I would like to get to the point of being able to go back to work. I had a few days of complete surrender and acceptance that I need to give it this time to heal. I'm taking Solomon's Seal and Goldenseal and colloidal silver and gelatin. Also vit. C, A, D, E, multivitamin and mineral supplement. Waiting on a mail order of boneset and comfrey and also some Mush Teva flip flops (like walking on pillows!).

I'm interested in connecting physical issues with spiritual and emotional stuff.

When I asked this part of my body to speak it said "I don't want to go any further until we can acknowledge what we've been through and what we have accomplished."

This seems like a really valid request and I've been trying to go over some of my past and, also with the guidance of tarot cards have been trying to answer the question "What lessons have I learned from the painful events and situations in my life?"

Also, what can I be grateful for that came out of them?

This questioning and searching, along with other recent emotional surfacing led me to do some writing about the experience of being a highly sensitive person and the difficulties, struggles, and suffering connected to how I learned to survive as an empath. (It's only very, very recently I'm calling myself that).

I've struggled with: is this a gift or a curse?

I've always felt hateful towards myself for being this different, this sensitive, connected it with being weak. Why can't I just be normal, like everyone else?

When I was very young I believe I said things that adults did not want to hear about what I saw and felt and I believe I got harshly punished for it.

I developed fear and a hyper-vigilance of always having feelers out to assess the level of danger around me. (This is also due to surviving through an environment that was unpredictably violent and cruelly, emotionally abusive by the adults around me).

The way I learned to cope stayed with me my whole life and, for the most part I have felt like I've been in hiding and trying to dull my sensitivity, my empathic abilities, but, at the same time desperately relying on them based in this ptsd type fear.

All of it has and does take a huge toll on me and I really want to be able to move forward in my life, befriend the truth about myself and find a new way to be with it.

So...here I am. Joined this community and trying to attempt to begin that.

Too much of my life has felt like an immense struggle. I want that to be over.

I want to thrive. I believe I have the right to that.

But there's a lot of old conditioning to overcome, a lot of negative messages that whisper to me and keep me drowning in the suffering of it. A lot of the time because I just don't know any different. I want to learn.

07/14/16 11:47:49AM @bookworm:
I read both of your posts and it really seems to me as though you're in the middle of taking a huge step right now, towards being truly free - that's the only way I can think to describe it! I hope this doesn't come across as patronising, but I really get the feeling that you should be very proud, of what you have made it through and how strong you are - and know that you're not alone, we're all behind you willing you on :)Just had to reply after reading your posts!

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