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Cleaning day

By Lele, 2016-06-28

I am living in my mothers apartment, well, the apartment I lived in as a kid and grew up in!

My mom died a year and a half ago.

I lived with her here the last years of her life.

My mother was a cruelly abusive narcissist.

Needless to say my childhood was rough. My struggle with getting loose from her energy continues to this day.

I used to have sort of nightmares that I was living in a house that was someone else's house and all over the place was their stuff and everything was old and dusty and abandoned by them. Sometimes there'd be rooms that were terrifying to visit because there were evil ghosts that lived there.

I feel like living in this house is sort of like that for real. There is sooooo much stuff of hers, so much ghostly memory of childhood.

It feels very heavy and very depressing.

I'd like to get out of here but the rent is affordable and I'm not in a position to pay more or move.

The heaviness of being here makes it hard to move forward.

I keep asking myself...why did I come back here?... because I think there was a reason that my higher self guided me to come back.

I knew I wanted to face what I had run away from, try to retrieve parts of myself that were left here.

It felt impossible while she was alive because I had to be so guarded around her, which is what it was like as a kid also, and because she was not well she was always in the house. I craved the silence and space of her being gone so that I could feel myself.

Anyway, today I'm cleaning the place. It feels so heavy and cleaning lightens it up. It's ugly and in need of so much repair and work, it's hard to even be motivated to clean because really I just want to run away or burn the place down.

But I do feel like there's still some important reason to be here and I'm not sure if that's something I'm just telling myself because I'm trying on some level to be loyal to my Mom and suffer and punish myself or if it's legit.

I've been throwing stuff away, that always feels good. I'm still sorting out the nature of who she was and the effect of our relationship on me.

It's not easy. I really hope to get to the point of being ready to let it all go and move forward. She has been the source of so much pain in my life.

I've recently decided that the trauma and pain of living this life as her daughter has been the catalyst that led me to go so deep with myself and explore so wide spiritually. If I didn't have to figure out how to go forward and survive the experience I wouldn't have developed spiritually and intellectually like I have.

That's my attempt at looking for something positive about the experience. :) But, it is true and it makes me feel better to see that.

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digging my heels in?

By Lele, 2016-06-26

I have been at home trying to heal from a heel injury. I think I've got a hairline fracture in my calcaneus.

It was coming along but I re-injured and backslid.

So, it's been about 5 days that I'm home and staying off of it (for the most part). Swelling is down but if I am up and around for 2 or 3 hours it starts to swell again. I would like to get to the point of being able to go back to work. I had a few days of complete surrender and acceptance that I need to give it this time to heal. I'm taking Solomon's Seal and Goldenseal and colloidal silver and gelatin. Also vit. C, A, D, E, multivitamin and mineral supplement. Waiting on a mail order of boneset and comfrey and also some Mush Teva flip flops (like walking on pillows!).

I'm interested in connecting physical issues with spiritual and emotional stuff.

When I asked this part of my body to speak it said "I don't want to go any further until we can acknowledge what we've been through and what we have accomplished."

This seems like a really valid request and I've been trying to go over some of my past and, also with the guidance of tarot cards have been trying to answer the question "What lessons have I learned from the painful events and situations in my life?"

Also, what can I be grateful for that came out of them?

This questioning and searching, along with other recent emotional surfacing led me to do some writing about the experience of being a highly sensitive person and the difficulties, struggles, and suffering connected to how I learned to survive as an empath. (It's only very, very recently I'm calling myself that).

I've struggled with: is this a gift or a curse?

I've always felt hateful towards myself for being this different, this sensitive, connected it with being weak. Why can't I just be normal, like everyone else?

When I was very young I believe I said things that adults did not want to hear about what I saw and felt and I believe I got harshly punished for it.

I developed fear and a hyper-vigilance of always having feelers out to assess the level of danger around me. (This is also due to surviving through an environment that was unpredictably violent and cruelly, emotionally abusive by the adults around me).

The way I learned to cope stayed with me my whole life and, for the most part I have felt like I've been in hiding and trying to dull my sensitivity, my empathic abilities, but, at the same time desperately relying on them based in this ptsd type fear.

All of it has and does take a huge toll on me and I really want to be able to move forward in my life, befriend the truth about myself and find a new way to be with it.

So...here I am. Joined this community and trying to attempt to begin that.

Too much of my life has felt like an immense struggle. I want that to be over.

I want to thrive. I believe I have the right to that.

But there's a lot of old conditioning to overcome, a lot of negative messages that whisper to me and keep me drowning in the suffering of it. A lot of the time because I just don't know any different. I want to learn.

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