Le'

Le'
 

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OK it is time


By Le', 2010-03-19


for me to put down some of the things that brought me here. I just need to "dump" them here in my blog and let them go. though if they help explain something to another new person then good.


this will be a series of clips/ flashbacks/ short scenes what ever you want to call em.

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my first clear memory of an empath experience is when I was about 5. (although it was many years later that I had a name for this)


I shared a bedroom with my grandmother. We both got along well, so this was a happy thing for me.

One night I couldn't get to sleep and although I never did this I climbed up on Mothermom's bed and just sat there quietly. (She was my mother's mother so we called her Mothermom and we ran the words together too)


Some time in the middle of the night she started to jerk and twitch just a little bit. I reached out and took her hand. She opened her eyes, smiled at me, whispered thank you for being here ... and died.

I remember somehow knowing what was happening when I heard that last breath leave her lungs.


I climbed down from the bed and went right to sleep in my own bed. Only woke up when my mother discovered her the next morning.


Somehow this whole thing just seemed right to me. Not sad or anything just like the world was the way it was supposed to be.


I never told anyone in my family about this experience somehow I just never felt the need to talk about it.


++++++++++++

I was always a child alone. at least that is the way it looked to someone on the outside looking in. In reality I always had company. Mothermom for one. I really never had many close "alive" friends as a child guess I was to busy talking to the other friends I had.


For many years I thought this was the way it was for everyone. I was sometimes puzzled that people would say things like "I feel so alone." If I wanted someone with me I just needed to say their name and there they were.


Going to the christian church was very puzzling to me though as a lot of what they were saying there about us not seeing our loved ones until we got to heaven just didn't make sense for many years to me. Once it did start to make sense I knew not to tell others about me and how I was somehow different.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

When I was about 10 I met my grandfather who lived on the Navajo reservation outside of albuquerque. He tool one look at me and said you must come with me to learn.


For the next three years he and I spent summers together almost day and night. Many times we wouldn't talk out loud with words yet somehow we both knew what the other was thinking and feeling. He taught me many things about the Navajo people .I think a lot of what he taught me has really saved my sanity all these years.


at the end of the summer when I was 13 grandfather came to me said goodbye. and walked out into the desert alone with no food or water. He never came back .. three days days later my uncles went out and found him and took care of what needed to be done. (Navajo's do not like to die inside and locked up as their sprit is then also locked up.)


this too seemed like the way things should be to me and it seemed like the rest of the family on the res. felt the same way.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


one nice fall day when I was about 10 or maybe 11 my mom took me downtown to buy a new dress. We found a shop with some really cute ones on sale so she said I could choose two. I was very happy looking through the dresses when suddenly we had to go home.!!!!!


Overwhelming feelings of urgency .. dropped the dresses and almost pushed my mother out the door of the shop. I can still remember pushing on the dashboard of the car to make it go faster on that drive home.


When we got home my two brothers were in the den watching TV. Nothing wrong there.


I hurried to my aunt's room as soon a I opened the door she said "thank goodness you came ..I couldn't get up. I must have been calling for some help for a good half hour."


yup about the length of time it took for me to get home.


(this was my mothers sister who lived with us because of really bad crippling arthritis )


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


in the early 80's i used to have this recurring dream.


I would be standing in the middle of a woody area but this was not the kind of woods we have in the States. It was like it was a bamboo woods. I never could see very far around me ... although it would be sunny and clear in the dream. The wood were quiet, no noise other than those of some bugs and an occasional bird of some kind.


at my feet were the bones of three men. Just as I would reach down to pick up their dog tags the dream would end. I would try to tell the men I couldn't find them because I didn't have enough clues about where they were. But i always felt as if I had somehow failed them.


I had this dream just this way for about 5 years until one day I was reading the newspaper and there was a short story about the bodies of three US army men found in a woody area of nam.

The bodies were being returned to the states to their faimlies because they had fond their dog tags


I have never had the dream since because they did finally find their way home. Thank goodness.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

more stories tomorrow


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This was so nice of him


By Le', 2010-02-24

I got this note today from a friend




"I was looking at my journal, and two years ago yesterday was the cold and rainy Saturday night when we were sitting by the fire at the Lair and you told me the story about the connection of the Lair and GWNN. And as you know, I say that that story is what turned my life around and made me feel like George Bailey in "It's a Wonderful Life". It lifted me out of the pit of despair and made me want to live again. So I just wanted to thank you again for being my guardian angel and coming into my life to brighten it up right at the darkest moment.

Stan"


I remember that night well but I didn't know he was depressed and down. He came in and we fond a common thread and we talked about that for a while. it was funny, and fun and made us both laugh and say what a small world and how nice and all kinds of positive things.


I remember i went home that night with a big smile on my own face thinking how nice he was there to make me feel so good.


This reminds me of another time I was walking into a grocery store thinking about someone who had really upset me that day. A woman coming out of the store actually said to me "Wow you look really mad"


I don't always know the impact I have on others. I assume that I am moving through my day surrounded by others but really alone. They don't know me talk to me or interact with me in any way.


WRONG.


My attitude, as well as my actions do impact others.


I need it remember that and surround myself with love and compassion before interacting with them. Be it in writing, on the phone or in person.






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Untitled


By Le', 2009-12-24
I was wandering around last night reading different things on this site and following links. Still trying to still get my feet on the ground and start to figure out what questions I have (cause you can't ask questions unless you know a little something about the subject) and I ran across these words."If you are feeling ungrounded ... The key is wanting to be here."That's it... in a nut shell.I haven't wanted to be HERE for a very long time.Here as in thishousetownworldproblem is I don't know where I really do want to be either.When I try to think about this issue all the problems come rushing in.I own this house free and clear ... selling it is possible but the market is down right now.If I did sell it where would I go?My kids are in Modesto so part of me wants to be there and able to travel to San Francisco again to see my friends thereBut a part of me wants to go back to New Mexico too.Back to my rootsback to what I know is clean GROUND without sidewalksback to a place where there is elbow room and space to breathThis house is full of stuffMy stuffmy last husbands stuffEvery year my health is worse bit by bit ... so attacking all the stuff gets harder and harderKeeping up with all the repairs, yard work and such are harder to do by myself too.So I have kind of given up on dealing with that physical stiffI moved down here to be with my husband in 1990.. once he was gone there is really no one else here I am friends with or even care about and the few friends we did have here have mostly died anyway.seems many people die around me ... LOLI don't work due to health issues so here I am trying to do nothing except exist day after day ... waiting for ???so there it is ... now I need to figure out how to get groundedcause I really don't think it's where I live or how many friends are around or anything like that ... I think its got to start with me.so back to reading and searching
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Finally


By Le', 2009-12-22
I feel like I am beginning to get a handle on a few things.I am still staying in for the most part but that is because I really do not like being in the hustle and bustle of the holidays.I am still active in a few online groups but even there I mostly just reach out to others who are hurting and try to guide them to some peace in a time of pain. Talked to two women who just lost their partners last week and guided them to a group that will help them with their grief.I am trying my best to get rid of the pain that I have been carrying for so long from so many people. Working on the survival exercises and reading the book of storms.I still feel energy is drained from me... but I did finally get the negative energy blocked that was coming from next door. Did that by burning sage every day for a week and putting bowls of salt out to draw up the hate coming from there in waves. The lady who lived there was dying I think and she has been crazy for a very long time. So maybe it was more her dying that ended it but the sage and salt make me feel better somehow.I know sooner or later if she is really dead that I will have to meet her face to face and help he get rid of the hate so she can move on ... but I am not quite ready for that one at the moment. (yes I do have to deal with ghosts )It is really funny how many things I have been doing for a very long timeare things that are used to block out the feelings of others. Problem is I have not used them in ways that allow anyone in either.So I have just really been busy trying to find ways to let things go more and let things flow through me rather than carry them forever...still baby steps.
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Lesson 4 getting touched


By Le', 2009-12-13
Another challenge in close relationships, which often comes up during sex or someone is touching youIf Im in a close relationship with someone I already know I have no problem with having them touch me because way before we have gotten to that point I already know that their touching me, or my touching them, is a positive thing for us both.Where I have a BIG problem is when acquaintances, or people I don't even know, want to touch me. Even shaking hands with someone can be very uncomfortable for me if I let them in without thinking.Most people don't feel comfortable just reaching out to touch me without asking me first. But there was one time I did have to tell someone in no uncertain terms to not touch me.I belong to a social club that is quite large and diverse. Anyone can join a group activity and meet others who are part of the club. A club member plans an activity for the group such as going to a movie or dinner at a specific restaurant. The activity is advertised in a monthly newsletter then all you have to do is RSVP to the activity and you get to meet new people, and see others you already know, as well as get to do an activity that is more fun when with others. For someone my age its a good way to go out and do things without all the Dating pitfalls.One time I had joined the group for dinner and a man I barely knew sat down next to me at the table. No problem, he was around my age and clearly interested in sitting next to me.But the first thing he did was reach across me and grab the uneaten half of a dinner roll, the pat of butter, and the knife that were together on my side plate.This astounded me. There was a whole basket of fresh untouched rolls right in front of him. I just checked it up to his not being very socially savvy and asked the waitress for a fresh knife and plate and just went on visiting with other people at the table.Suddenly I felt a sharp pain in my upper arm on the side this man was sitting on. At first I actually thought I had been stabbed. But when I turned and looked I was fine and I realized he had just poked me in the arm with his finger to get my attention.After a few minutes I again turned away to talk to others, as this man was not talking to me, but to the person across from him. After a few seconds I again felt myself getting poked in the arm.Clearly this man wanted my attention on him but didn't have the social skills to know how to get it. I thought about moving away but felt that would have drawn attention to and embarrassed both of us and so far he hadn't done anything to really deserve that.So i just turned away from him again .. but this time waited for the poke to happen. Sure enough it only took a few seconds for him to realize my attention was elsewhere and poke me again. But this time I turned to him and said please do not touch me again without my permission. I tried to be very quiet about making the statement but the man across from us heard it and quietly chuckled then asked me if I was a dominant woman.I just told him no, but it really hurts to get poked liked that when your not looking and it is not expected. After that the man left me alone and will not sit near me or talk to me at events.At the time I didn't know why just a touch could be so intense, or upsetting to me, now I wonder if could have handled that problem differently.
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Family


By Le', 2009-12-08
OK this is day 3-4 for me... and I'm busy getting ready to drive 300 miles tomorrow to go see my son and his partner.If you have seen my first blog you will know how amazing this is for me.This is a trip I have been putting off for over a year and I have been loading up my car with all the things I promised I would bring him and never could get out of the house to complete.I'm going ... thanks to those first lessons and the suggestions some of you in chat and posts have made to me (like the one about clearing my Chakras.)Am I "cured" of all my problems ... not by a long shot ... LOLBut I found myself looking for a new way to style my hair last night and pondering where to go to get the cut done and a perm.And clearly I'm up and MOVING.I'm interested in seeing if more of my sadness lifts on this trip. This doesn't feel like my sadness so much as sadness, hate, and anger coming from next door. But I will talk about that in a different blog after my trip.My mind is suddenly full of stuff... things to do, places to go, things I WANT... Hard to settle it down to talk about what I really wanted this blog to be about.Focus ... Just a word here about lesson three and my son...As a teen he went to live with my ex husband as he really needed that 'man' influence in his life. But when he was 19 he asked if he could come back and live with me so he could go to Jr. collage. I told him he could live with me rent free and I would buy the food and such as long as he was in school and he could get a part time job to cover his personal expenses ... but there was one rule we had to have in place first.That rule was that we live as room mates rather than mother and son.Why?Because as his mother I had to worry about him. I had to be upset if he didn't make it home in time for dinner, or if he was out really late at night, and I had to pick up after him and do his laundry and such.But as room mates we could live together with respect for his being an adult and free to come and go as any adult does. If he was around when dinner was on I would be happy to share. If I was tossing a load in the washer and he wanted to add a few of his things happy to share.But I wanted to see him as a free and capable adult. (which he was and still is)This allowed us to move on from a dependent Mother/son relationship to one of two adults who could enjoy an adult relationship We have kept that respect for each other in place ever since.For the last 14 years he has been happy and content with a partner who is the most warm and loving person I have ever met. She clearly loves him and he her. The last time I was visiting them I told her to her facethat she was the best thing that had ever happened to him and I really mean that. Of course they have their ups and downs, as we all do, but as far as Im concerned he won the lottery with her.So I doubt on this trip I will need to use the lesson offered in the third lessons survival guide with them ... but when I get back home and feel up to letting some of my friends back in ... I know that lesson will come in handy.I'm just totally amazed at how much better I am feeling in such a short time and it makes me want to do more, learn more, and get even better tomorrow.I am on the right path.
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Day two: balance


By Le', 2009-12-07
I will be writing here every day for a while as I read on this site that it will help me get focused and back in balance,Back in Balance is what i want more than anything else in the world.I grew up listening to my Navajo grandfather tell me we are a part of the circle of life here on earth. We are not better than, or less than, any other creature on earth or in the universe. We are just a part of the circle of life.Because we are part of the circle we need to stay in balance with everything else around us. Using what we need and giving thanks to those who gave it to us. Giving back of our own gifts freely and with a happy heart.As I write these words I am sitting here trying to figure out how I got so far away from that balance.Its really a long story with lots of twists and turns and it will take a while to tell the tale I am sure, even to myself. But at least I have done the first two steps that feel right now...Day one: realized where I am nowDay two: set a goalNow to begin my journey
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WOW


By Le', 2009-12-07
Quite a night for meI have been staying home and inside for about a year now. I have to fight with myself to even go out the door to put garbage in the cans or get something out of my car much less go some where like the grocery store.I don't do much inside either as my energy level is so low and I feel most of the time like there is a great weight bearing down on me.I also feel like there are people talking just out of my hearing ... like I am in a big crowd of people on a very busy street in a big city. So to drown out this background noise I sleep with the TV on. In fact the TV is on 24 hours a day as background noise.To pass the time and keep me from thinking much about anything I play games on the computer. One of my favorites is solitaire because I can get lost in the rote motions that are repeated over and over with out much thought involved.So Im sitting there playing solitaire in the middle of the night as usual and suddenly very loudly and clearly in my head popped one wordEMPATHlike a large billboard with bright neon lights that word flashed before my mind's eye. My first thought was here we go again... as Im am used to such weird things happening to me by now...so i just googled that word and found a test to see if I had any real connection to this word... and here are the results of that test ...You Scored as Healer EmpathAs a Healer Empath, you possess the gift of healing and the ability to transmute pain into light. Visit us at EmpathCommunity.ning.comHealer Empath 100%Communication Empath 100%Clairvoyant Empath 97%Physical Empath 95%Human Empath 94%Animal Empath 92%Energy Empath 67%Balanced Empath 47%Next I found the survival guide and then the rest of the community and suddenly a whole lot of my life started to make all kinds of sense to me.Took me all of 5 minutes to start on the first lesson ... but I think it will take me a lot longer to come to terms with the rest of it.All I know now is I have a new/old world to explore within myself that gives me hope in so many different ways and directions.We shall not cease from explorationAnd the end of all out exploringWill be to arrive where we startedAnd know the place for the first timeTS EliotFour Quartets(Little Gidding line 240)
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