By Le', 2010-03-19
for me to put down some of the things that brought me here. I just need to "dump" them here in my blog and let them go. though if they help explain something to another new person then good.
this will be a series of clips/ flashbacks/ short scenes what ever you want to call em.
my first clear memory of an empath experience is when I was about 5. (although it was many years later that I had a name for this)
I shared a bedroom with my grandmother. We both got along well, so this was a happy thing for me.
One night I couldn't get to sleep and although I never did this I climbed up on Mothermom's bed and just sat there quietly. (She was my mother's mother so we called her Mothermom and we ran the words together too)
Some time in the middle of the night she started to jerk and twitch just a little bit. I reached out and took her hand. She opened her eyes, smiled at me, whispered thank you for being here ... and died.
I remember somehow knowing what was happening when I heard that last breath leave her lungs.
I climbed down from the bed and went right to sleep in my own bed. Only woke up when my mother discovered her the next morning.
Somehow this whole thing just seemed right to me. Not sad or anything just like the world was the way it was supposed to be.
I never told anyone in my family about this experience somehow I just never felt the need to talk about it.
I was always a child alone. at least that is the way it looked to someone on the outside looking in. In reality I always had company. Mothermom for one. I really never had many close "alive" friends as a child guess I was to busy talking to the other friends I had.
For many years I thought this was the way it was for everyone. I was sometimes puzzled that people would say things like "I feel so alone." If I wanted someone with me I just needed to say their name and there they were.
Going to the christian church was very puzzling to me though as a lot of what they were saying there about us not seeing our loved ones until we got to heaven just didn't make sense for many years to me. Once it did start to make sense I knew not to tell others about me and how I was somehow different.
When I was about 10 I met my grandfather who lived on the Navajo reservation outside of albuquerque. He tool one look at me and said you must come with me to learn.
For the next three years he and I spent summers together almost day and night. Many times we wouldn't talk out loud with words yet somehow we both knew what the other was thinking and feeling. He taught me many things about the Navajo people .I think a lot of what he taught me has really saved my sanity all these years.
at the end of the summer when I was 13 grandfather came to me said goodbye. and walked out into the desert alone with no food or water. He never came back .. three days days later my uncles went out and found him and took care of what needed to be done. (Navajo's do not like to die inside and locked up as their sprit is then also locked up.)
this too seemed like the way things should be to me and it seemed like the rest of the family on the res. felt the same way.
one nice fall day when I was about 10 or maybe 11 my mom took me downtown to buy a new dress. We found a shop with some really cute ones on sale so she said I could choose two. I was very happy looking through the dresses when suddenly we had to go home.!!!!!
Overwhelming feelings of urgency .. dropped the dresses and almost pushed my mother out the door of the shop. I can still remember pushing on the dashboard of the car to make it go faster on that drive home.
When we got home my two brothers were in the den watching TV. Nothing wrong there.
I hurried to my aunt's room as soon a I opened the door she said "thank goodness you came ..I couldn't get up. I must have been calling for some help for a good half hour."
yup about the length of time it took for me to get home.
(this was my mothers sister who lived with us because of really bad crippling arthritis )
in the early 80's i used to have this recurring dream.
I would be standing in the middle of a woody area but this was not the kind of woods we have in the States. It was like it was a bamboo woods. I never could see very far around me ... although it would be sunny and clear in the dream. The wood were quiet, no noise other than those of some bugs and an occasional bird of some kind.
at my feet were the bones of three men. Just as I would reach down to pick up their dog tags the dream would end. I would try to tell the men I couldn't find them because I didn't have enough clues about where they were. But i always felt as if I had somehow failed them.
I had this dream just this way for about 5 years until one day I was reading the newspaper and there was a short story about the bodies of three US army men found in a woody area of nam.
The bodies were being returned to the states to their faimlies because they had fond their dog tags
I have never had the dream since because they did finally find their way home. Thank goodness.
more stories tomorrow
By Le', 2010-02-24
I got this note today from a friend
"I was looking at my journal, and two years ago yesterday was the cold and rainy Saturday night when we were sitting by the fire at the Lair and you told me the story about the connection of the Lair and GWNN. And as you know, I say that that story is what turned my life around and made me feel like George Bailey in "It's a Wonderful Life". It lifted me out of the pit of despair and made me want to live again. So I just wanted to thank you again for being my guardian angel and coming into my life to brighten it up right at the darkest moment.
I remember that night well but I didn't know he was depressed and down. He came in and we fond a common thread and we talked about that for a while. it was funny, and fun and made us both laugh and say what a small world and how nice and all kinds of positive things.
I remember i went home that night with a big smile on my own face thinking how nice he was there to make me feel so good.
This reminds me of another time I was walking into a grocery store thinking about someone who had really upset me that day. A woman coming out of the store actually said to me "Wow you look really mad"
I don't always know the impact I have on others. I assume that I am moving through my day surrounded by others but really alone. They don't know me talk to me or interact with me in any way.
My attitude, as well as my actions do impact others.
I need it remember that and surround myself with love and compassion before interacting with them. Be it in writing, on the phone or in person.
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