Lavinia

Nothing

2011-05-03
By: Lavinia
Posted in:

I'm closer and closer to a stoned heart. All the "toughen up!" people I've met throughout my life should prepare the champagne and the party music.

All my life I've been on a sickening pattern of being brutally hurt by the people I love most. And every time it happens it opens up a wound that paralyzes me. Same with people I help. Sooner or later they will hurt me badly. I used to think I was just paranoid and that because i'm too sensitive I get hurt to easily. I gave up long ago the wish to be appreciated for what I do; after all you do good because you are a good person, not because you want something in return. Yes, it's nice when you get a "thank you" back but that is not the point. But to be hurt on purpose but the people I call my friends, to be hit when I'm down but the same people I helped get back on their feet ...that is just beyond my power of understanding. No guys, I dont want your appreciation or your sympathy, but what kinda of heart do you have to have or not have to kick someone when they are at their most vulnerable? And then have the nerve to call yourself the friend of that person. You make me so sick! At least leave them where they are but don't make it worse. Why? Why would someone do that?

I have people that claim they love me in my life that repeatedly hurt me with their words or actions even after I have told them on every occasion " Pls dont do/say that. It hurts me when you do" Are they evil, sadistic or just plain stupid? And I'm not talking about complicated things ...no, simple things. Things that if they would stop doing, it wouldn't affect their lives one way or another. But it does affect me.

Why and what? The 2 most frequent questions I ask. Havent gotten any answers yet.

I feel like I'm being followed by a demon who makes everything in his power to prevent me from being happy with other people. He cant alter my state any other way. I can find happiness in me, by myself but not with someone else. Sooner or later something like what i just mentioned has to happen. Doesn't matter if they are friends, lovers, work friends...

I know it must be my fault; I cant be this "cursed". But what is it? What am I doing so wrong that I dont deserve to be loved or happy with others? Am I such a terrible person that I dont deserve this? I'm doing the best I can in every situation. I'm trying my best to make others happy, to love them unconditionally, to be there for them...and no not because I ASK for something in return, but I do want something..anything...from someone...anyone...

It's all give give...

And now..i'm one step closer to a stoned heart. I've toughened up over the years, with every close relationship I've had. So much that I don't think I will ever let anyone get close again...keep everyone at the right distance so that they won;t have a chance to hurt me again. Or maybe I won't feel anything anymore, in which case it wont matter at all.

I can't even complain. Was never allowed to. Somehow I think I was always seem as the strong one or something because it was always help against me...complaining that is. I dont do it anymore. It's not worst being yelled at.

Well I did it here, but this is my blog and no one has to read it if they don;t like it. And if they do mind that I'm complaining...well, nothing new there.

I was hoping for some sort of revelation...I was told writing how i feel might help. Nope...nothing is changed...I probably couldnt tell the difference anyway. I've felt nothing for the past few days. Just numb.

I envy the insensitive today. I wish i could be like them at least from time to time, not to feel every damn thing. I wish I could be as mean as others are and not care about how others feel. I wish I didnt care about how the ones that hurt me feel. Cause the moment I get over the initial pain, I feel nothing but compassion and love for those people that hurt me one way or the other. And I wish I didn't. I dont even get the chance to feel my pain all the way. I feel my pain in combination with love for the person who caused it. How can that be?! And it's even worse when they play victim, even though they are the ones who hurt me.

The only times when I cant feel anything is when my heart has finally had enough..and closes down for few days. I'm numb but not happy. I'm numb as if I've been beaten close to death. Not a happy numbness.

Gosh, I really have vented here. I must sound like a real whiner. I apologize to anyone who had the patience and interest to read all of this for any bitterness i may have caused.

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