Kit Kat

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sadness...

2016-07-13
By: Kit Kat
Posted in:

I know this isn't really about being an empath, but.. I just have to express these feelings somehow. It's been a rough few days for me. And the worst part is that I know others have it so much worse, but I just can't help from crying about my own suffering.

Anyway, this week I realized that I look a lot different to other people than I do in mirrors because my face is asymmetrical. Before yesterday, I hadn't thought my face was that strange, but I certainly hated pictures. I feel so dumb that I never realized that the way I look in pictures is the way other people see me every day. I also found out that the reason I don't look weird (to myself) in mirrors is because my mind has compensated to make these asymmetrical features seem less noticeable. Still, I now realize why many people have looked at me like I have something wrong with me.

But on an empathic train of thought, I guess the best part about this realization is that my sadness/disappointment regarding the way I look has masked others' emotions to a degree. I feel so much more of my own emotions than usual, so I'm less effected by others' feelings. Can anyone relate to this? Maybe it means I'm not really an empath. I'm constantly doubting my empathic abilities. But then I think, I'm so hypersensitive, how could I not be an empath? I don't know... maybe the many "how to tell if you're an empath" sites just don't cut it, because I fit a significant amount of the attributes listed. And I don't just want to spend time alone, I HAVE to spend time alone, which is one of the biggest attributes it seems like.

On top of all this newfound low self esteem, I have been having my teachers grade my papers harshly, which I know isn't that big of a deal, but I have a rough time accepting criticism, and I always have. It's gotta be because I try so hard to do things right in the first place - it's such a let down when I don't do as well as I thought I would.

I guess "disillusionment" is the main theme of this blog post lol. My family keeps saying "you're beautiful, you're beautiful!" like a broken record, but I think they're either just being nice (like they're supposed to), or they have bad taste, or they're so used to the way I look that they don't think it's weird.

You guys may wonder why I'm so hurt by finding out my face is so asymmetrical. Well... feeling beautiful has always meant a lot to me. It makes everything better; somehow makes everything alright. So I've always been willing to do whatever it took to feel beautiful, (and thankfully I don't look good in makeup or else I would've gone that route for sure!). All of that feels like it means nothing now. It feels like I got the short end of the stick in life:

-being an empath

-having lots of health problems

-looking like a different person from either side of my face (seriously, I can look like three different people by only changing lighting and turning my head)

-My twin sister not having any of these problems (above)

I hope nobody reading this takes it the wrong way... I think lots of people with asymmetrical faces are attractive, just not mine. At least not yet; although right now it feels like I'll never get to a place where I can love the way I look. And I do see the benefits of being an empath. But right now I'm just sad....

Rosie333
07/13/16 11:59:48PM @rosie333:

Dear Kit Kat

I know what you mean about the importance of feeling beautiful especially as a woman. I think if you look at the actors out there, there are some who are not technically beautiful, however by the way they walk, or hold themselves and by the way they present themselves they are certainly very attractive. I have known some women who were not blessed with perfect features however, their cheekiness and joie de vivre made them more attractive the more I got to know them. It must be hard to have a twin . It would be so difficult not to drawn comparisons on everything. Sorry you feel disallusioned about things,The marking of papers is a totally subjective thing, don't get caught up too much if you can. One uni lecturer called my paper 'pompous and verbose' . This resulted in me becoming self conscious and simpler in my writing style. Before his criticism I always received excellent results and after his critique my marks went down. Please have another person read your paper to help you see this important point.Remind yourself nothing stays the same this period of disallusionment will pass, and let the beauty from within you shine.

Love and Light R


Bookworm
07/14/16 11:27:52AM @bookworm:
I can relate to what you said about your own sadness masking the feelings of others about a particular topic, I definitely have experienced the same thing.Your post makes me feel like you struggle with a lot of self doubt and low self esteem, which are issues I also struggle with (and why I wanted to reply) I don't have a magic answer I'm afraid but I have been trying to be more accepting of myself and not quite such a harsh critic.I know you have probably heard it before, but when you are feeling really down about yourself or having negative thoughts, try honestly to ask yourself if you would ever judge another person so harshly. I suspect that you are similar to me and that you would never judge another person as harshly as you judge yourself, furthermore you probably already know this on some level but there is still some part of you that is struggling to accept that you deserve to be given the benefit of the doubt and cut a little slack now and again, just as you would with anyone who is not you.Sorry if this is rambly I just wanted to reply because I felt I identified with you pay a little and wanted to let you know these things which have helped me, in case it may be helpful to you :)
Cheshire Cat
07/17/16 11:44:13AM @cheshire-cat:

Hi Kit Kat,

I think Rosie is right about teachers not being objective. I actually did an experiment to prove this in college, at the expense of my grade average. I did not think it through ,and would not recommend doing this to anyone.

I handed in the same exact paper in Social Work 101 and Psychology 101, which are smilier and equivalent courses, except that when I handed it in to my Social Work teacher, I added a page complaining about the value of research papers, ie. why are we still having to copy other people's thoughts and re-word them to avoid plagiarism, when I'd thought college meant I could finally write about my own original thoughts. I handed the paper into the psych teacher with no extra comments. This exact same paper was then graded B- by the social work teacher with a scathing page attached about how valuable research papers are. I got an A++ on the same paper in my psych course and the teacher called me up after class to tell me it was graduate level work and talk to me about my life goals! So, this is a B.S. game, like so much in life. If your natural writing style worked for you before, I would go ahead and use it, except in that critical teacher's class, where you may have to play along with him. So much B.S., so little time, lol!

I have a somewhat asymmetrical face and a serious illness, the meds for which have caused me to gain 50 lbs. and ruin my once perfect figure, not to mention the health risks of the weight. I did some research into this and sadly, it turns out asymmetrical features are associated with poor immunity, and that is why people the world over find symmetry attractive; we are biologically programmed to look for good immunity to have healthy offspring. This is cruel, but it is not your fault. Be patient, this does have a happy point.....

I have known many so-called identical twins with this problem. The most extreme set of female twins I've known looked totally different from each other. One was drop dead gorgeous, but very shy. The other was average looking but very outgoing. Guess which one was more popular by far? The average looking one. Our society is extreme in the world in the value it places on extroversion. If you are outgoing and friendly in an increasingly cold world, it can make up for a helluva lot. People who smile attract others like moths to a flame in a society where people are desperate for connection. Kind people, like empaths, are even rarer, and more desirable in a world full of the selfish and indifferent.

Okay, but you need to be alone, so you're an introvert like most of us who are either HSP or empaths, and I think you are at least an HSP. We need introverts. The arts would disappear without us, and so would scientific research. The good news is it's a big, wide world and besides going into one of those professions in order to be around folks who appreciate your wonderfulness, there are many other countries which actually value introversion more and consider it the more normal and preferred way to be! Scandinavian countries are probably the best known example of that.

Have you considered that some of your sadness is a sign of mental health? Khrishnamurti once said that it is no sign of mental health to be well adjusted to a profoundly insane society. I feel those of us with a lot of empathy can't help but be sad right now, if we are sane and know what is going on in the world. Taking breaks from all news and getting out in nature or whatever buoys you up can help. I am very sad now too and it hurts, so I send you a long distance hug.....

Namaste,

Cheshire Cat


Kit Kat
07/17/16 10:38:10PM @kit-kat:

You guys are so amazing - you have no idea how much your words have helped me! :) I thought for sure I'd hear the same things I've been hearing, like "all that matters is who you are inside" or "not everyone can be drop-dead gorgeous"...etc. but I love how on this site I can find validation and people who actually feel similar to how I feel. I really needed that. This has been one of the worst weeks I've had in awhile, and mostly because I've not only felt sick but also, the low self esteem has increased.

Anyway, I want to reply more individually, but I can't find any "reply" option (lol) so here goes:

Cheshire Cat -

I just read your post and it nearly brought me to tears how much love and kindness I felt from you. Thank you so much... That experience you shared (with regard to your papers that you turned in) was so filled with validation! :) What a great way to expose the injustice and pride within the educational system haha. Looking back, all of the English teachers I've had have been picky in different ways, so I agree that English, like art, is subjective in more ways than we can always see. Tons of B.S. involved! :) But that's really so cool that your psych teacher loved your paper so much; You write very well, so I can see why!

It's funny, though, I can tell myself good things (like with regard to school, etc.) and they help me feel better later on, but still, whenever I mess up on something I feel terrible in the moment. I wish there was something I could do about that. I don't know if it's just the way I am, but really, even if I'm driving and I accidentally wait too long at a stoplight when it's green (which happens more than I would like, since I tend to space out really easily - another empath trait, I think: escaping into my mind), if someone honks at me, I feel so bad I can practically cry over it. :/ I don't like loud noises, and I guess the combination of embarrassment and surprise, plus the emotion of the other person's impatience that's involved with getting honked at tend to dissolve any happiness I previously may have had..

Anyway. That's crazy that you can relate to me so much with the health problems/asymmetry. I'm sorry to hear you have a serious illness. My problems just feel like a serious, unexplainable illness, when really it's mostly that I have a hypersensitive body, PTSD, and allergies (unless of course I'm missing something).

I'm so glad you shared your research about asymmetry - That is so fascinating that those with lower immunity have less symmetry! From my research, I heard that someone's smile is more crooked when he or she has "faked" a smile a lot in life, but I don't know if that's true. I have a sort-of crooked smile. Hopefully my asymmetry isn't going to get worse as I get older :/ but the concept of immunity certainly explains a lot... I love it when research has so many answers.

And that is very interesting about the twins that you knew - how the extroverted one was more popular, despite lack of "beauty." Deep down, I know that's true, and I think I will be able to find a way to be more confident. Even if I never fully let go of wanting to look like one of the Disney princesses :)

I've seen, too - that those who are empathic are so needed and appreciated in the world. Even just with replies to this blog post it's obvious that I'll find way more understanding and hopefulness here than on the average Internet site. I think we're probably more needed than we can comprehend..

Wow, I love that quote! It reminds me of another one I've heard that has really stayed with me - "Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have great sadness on earth." (the book Crime and Punishment). Maybe sadness really is a sign of psychological clarity.. That actually makes a lot of sense to me. And thanks for the long-distance hug... You really brightened my day :)

Namaste <3

Kit Kat

Bookworm -

Thank you for your thoughtful reply! It's so nice to feel like I'm not alone, and that's the emotion I felt the most from your reply. Yes, I have definitely suffered from lots of low self esteem in my life. I wish I could say it has been better than it has, but at least I really have fought hard against those thoughts (it sounds like you have, too). I guess the main thing is that we keep going, right? You're advice is so great. I really wouldn't treat someone as badly as I treat myself.. My thoughts this week were pretty terrible with regard to myself; I probably need to apologize to myself :)

I don't think you rambled at all! Your words are well spoken and full of truth - & I need all the truth I can get right now... more positive reinforcement to fuel positive thoughts. I've been having having such an internal conflict with regard to how I see myself. Thanks again :)

-Kit Kat

Rosie -

Wow, your thoughts are so insightful! & sweet :) I also really like your name by the way.

I've been thinking about everything you wrote, and I've noticed that what you said is true about celebrities often having asymmetrical faces, too. It definitely helps me to consider that because I've always admired celebrities because of their successes, looks, talents, charming personalities... I think you're right that those qualities have been what have lifted them to find the success that they've achieved (well, probably most of them - some of them really are quite physically 'ideal-looking' :) but that's ok). It's cool to look at the idea of "success" in a different light.

In a bunch of ways it is hard to have a twin, but the positives far outweigh the negatives as I like to say! I can deal with being compared, but I could never handle losing my sister as my best friend.. I really wish people wouldn't compare so much, though. It can be quite hurtful.

What a harsh critique from that uni lecturerl! I think your writing flows very well, and sounds very natural.. and that you're right, we shouldn't let others' opinions immediately become our truth. And I usually do show my papers to more people (aside from my teacher) but I haven't been doing that this semester, for some reason. That's a good idea!

Thank you so much for reminding me that things will get better <3 I really needed to hear everything you wrote.. Thanks also for replying so soon after I wrote this. I felt pretty awful on the day I was writing this, so the sooner I got such kind words, the better :) It's like I needed an emotional intervention.

Love & light to you too,

Kit Kat


Cheshire Cat
07/18/16 08:39:50AM @cheshire-cat:

Dear Kit Kat,

Thank you so much for your comments. I am going through a sad time too, and it made my day. Helping is often thankless, so not attaching any expectations to help you give is something to learn early, so you don't end up bitter like I often am. I learned it too late.

I just want to add that I don't think being popular is necessarily always a good thing. Being yourself and honoring your spiritual truth is far more important, IMO. Often the larger group of humanity is off the path, and just being the majority does not make them moral or correct.

What is considered good looking changes, sometimes drastically. I am old enough to have seen a time when big, pouty lips were considered ugly, the opposite of now. Long hair was considered messy and ungroomed. I also lived in a time when today's ideal figure would be considered reason enough to be hospitalized for malnutrition! I've seen eyebrows go from pencil thin to full and unpacked and so on.....

I want to add that I've never wanted to be beautiful. There is so much value given to it, that I felt I would never know if a man loved me for me, or was just using me as "arm candy", and if he would drop me after using up my best years, and trade me in for a newer model. Being good looking is an advantage I feel, and I used to be so before my illness, but if you are too pretty, you always wonder if the people around you are really seeing YOU, or at least I would..........

Here is another true story from my past. I worked in a record store in college (Yes, I am that old!) and the owner's girlfriend was a gorgeous blonde who worked as a fashion model. One day she asked me to grab lunch with her at McDonalds of all places! I was flattered she'd even noticed me, but surprised that someone that thin ate lunch there. When we got our food, she took off the bun and ate just the meat, no bread, no lettuce, no fries. I asked if that was part of her modeling diet. She told me she had a genetic form of a pancreas problem that made it impossible for her to digest carbohydrates at all and that doctors said she would not live past age 35 at the most due to this. She also told me she was the only model she knew who did not have to do cocaine or heroin to stay that thin. That was a good lesson and it was the last time I was ever jealous of anyone, since I realized we do not know most people's backstories. I felt so sorry for her. It also tells you a lot about how sick the fashion industry is, though that is slowly improving. I remember a time when the only clothes for heavier women were called "Mumus" and if you didn't live in a hot climate, you'd better move to one, or you'd freeze! You can find today's version of a Mumu in plus size catalogues under "short loungers". There are 3 genetic body types, ectomorph, mesomorph and endomorph. Only 15% are ectomorphs, the naturally small-boned and thin who can eat what they want and still be thin, yet we base our idea of beauty entirely on them. I could go on about how famine in ancestors makes you genetically prone to be fat, or how your inherited microbiome can cause obesity even if you eat like a bird, but you can look all this up if desired, and I have to get some work done (though I'd much rather do this).

I know many very smart people who are great at sarcasm and very witty who have a crooked smile. I admire that and enjoy it. People who've had strokes have crooked smiles. Thank God that is not your problem! Please don't let people pick on these things, or pick on yourself about them. Perfectionism will drive you crazy and from my experience, it will make lazier people despise you, because they cannot perform at your level. I have had people at jobs call me "the human computer" behind my back due to my perfectionistic performance. I've had coworkers beg me to slow down because I was making them look bad. You will never achieve i anyway. Ask yourself, "who am I trying to impress with this?" Was a parent critical of me unless I was perfect, for example? Try to dig to the bottom of it. I still fight with this too, so I have little room to talk, but it is a losing battle to have perfection as a goal. No human is even close. Just do your best and be proud of it. You are loved!

I loved your quote also. Dostoyevsky is my favorite dead author, lol. My favorite living one is John Irving. The Brothers Karamazov is my favorite book by a dead author. I divide it into dead and living so I don't have to choose between Dostoyevsky and Irving. ;-)

I'll shut up and stop ranting. People don't listen to all the wisdom that oldies like me have learned (I'm 65), so when we get an audience, we do tend to go on and on and on, lol. Have a fabulous day,

C. Cat


Kit Kat
07/25/16 08:34:01PM @kit-kat:

C. Cat,

I definitely know what you mean about helping being often thankless... it's sad that it has to be that way! But I like to think of there being a great reward after this life for those who give behind the scenes :)

Sometimes I feel bitter though. It's easy to feel so misunderstood in society today. I feel SO different than other people seen to feel. Often it's a sense of depression weighing me down, or just that feeling of being the only one to really "see clearly." It seems like we empaths are given greater understanding to see the bigger picture of life.

I agree that honoring spiritual truth is highly important, and above looking good. I'm not sure why it's so hard for me to push past this desire to be popular. I think when I'm rejected I feel like I've failed empathically or something haha. I guess sometimes I equate popularity with 'love' since so much acceptance in involved.

What a powerful story! That's crazy... Sounds fun to work in a record store :) But that's so sad about the fashion model. It's true that even being empaths we can't see everything about people, especially what's happened to them in the past. That's so interesting about the 'ectomorphs!' I thought for sure that there were more people like that, but what a surprising statistic.

Wow, the fashion industry really is sick. It's probably a lot worse than I thought. Sometimes I forget that the models are made to look healthier with lighting tricks and retouching.

That's so true what you said about perfectionism! My mom is somewhat perfectionistic, but I'm more on the idealistic side (thankfully). I'm trying to help her replace perfectionism with idealism.. hopefully it works!

Thanks again for all your thoughts; they have been very enlightening and wise! I'm 23, but I crave the perspectives of those older than me because I guess I'm a 'mature soul.' :)

Much love,

Kit Kat


Cheshire Cat
07/26/16 07:33:56AM @cheshire-cat:

Hi Kit Kat,

I notice that spell check changed some of the things I typed into absurdities, lol. I'm glad you understood them!

I am so glad you look for wisdom from older folks. I remember being young and thinking my generation had reinvented the wheel and had nothing to learn from those who'd already been through it all, and boy, was I wrong. Nothing really changes, just the outer veneer looks different to different generations. Life's underlying issues are the same.

I also feel bitter and very misunderstood. I feel like a member of some other species. I do think being "popular" is almost entirely a concern of those under 35 though, so that will pass. I don't know anyone with a career, home and family to take care of who gives one moment's thought to that. They just want to have a few people to love and be loved by and have almost no free time for more. As you get older, you'll realize if you have even 2 or 3real friends in your whole life, you can consider yourself lucky. If you have a family that isn't the major source of your pain in life, you can consider yourself lucky too.

Here's a tip from an oldie. Try to keep at least a couple of your childhood friends all through your life, unless of course you can't stand who they become when they grow up! These are the ones who will stick with you if you become seriously ill, and can't drive or go out much. They know your backstory, and they have your back. I was told I would lose my friends from where I currently live when I first got sick, by someone who'd been chronically ill for awhile and had already gone through that, and he was right. My only remaining friends are from 30-50 yrs. ago and live far away, plus a couple of friends that I've made here at EC over the past few years. I became invisible to others once I couldn't drive or go do things anymore. Old friends share your memories and you can have a good time just talking. I see so many people who let all their friends go each time they move. Big mistake, IMO. Here comes some more research! (I'm the queen of trivia, lol) Studies show the happiest people are those who never move more than 50 miles from their birthplace. Why? They only found one reason......they still had some of their childhood friends who had also stayed there.

I need coffee! I'll stop yammering and wish you a lovely day,

C. Cat


Kit Kat
08/13/16 07:35:54PM @kit-kat:

C. Cat,

Thanks! Yeah, I look for wisdom everywhere I can find it :)

That really is what it feels like to be an empath - to be a different species! I feel that way, too. I'm glad the whole "popularity" thing might go away I get older. It's so immature in my opinion.

Wow, that's excellent advice about friends! I don't feel like I have very many friends, so that's hard, but I definitely want to hang onto the ones I do have. Thankfully I get along real well with my family. They have their flaws but they love me, so that's what matters. I think the reason I don't have very many friends is because I have a twin (a built in best friend) so I wasn't craving more friends as much as other people, and because I have had it rough in my life with health issues, insecurities...etc. These things have made me less social overall (in the past), and less inclined to feel confident in friendships. I do wish I would have formed closer relationships, though. It was hard for me to look into the future like you're saying, because I was so burdened with everything that was happening in the moment.

Love the trivia! :) I'm always hanging onto info. like that, too. I read once that not flossing every night can shorten one's lifespan, so I think about that every now and again (it kind of bothers me) lol. My mind is so absorbent of stuff like that. Thank you for all your advice <3 I wish more people would give advice...


Cheshire Cat
08/14/16 08:02:24AM @cheshire-cat:

I've never known a twin who was not best friends with their twin, so you are not alone. Friendship studies do not count family members though. However, lots of people I know don't have any free time to see anyone but whomever they live with, and that is usually family these days. It can make for some narrow-mindedness, from what I've seen.

Twins raised apart were one of my favorite areas of study. It's fascinating to see how much is genetic versus raising. Hint: genes count a lot more than we want to believe. If you want to add to your trivia collection, and stop thinking about dental floss for awhile, lol, look up the University of Minnesota Center for the Study of Twins. I think that would be the best way to find the research I'm speaking about.

Most people do not want advice and never ask for it, so I'm glad someone wants it, since I sure like giving it. (grins).

Cheshire Cat


Rosie333
08/20/16 07:46:26PM @rosie333:

Dear Kit Kat,

I just wanted to say how much I like your comment about receiving advice and that not enough people give advice anymore. It is so true, I used to work for a care telephone counselling line and we were not allowed to give advice only to reaffirm the client's own position on things or to help to clarify what they had said so they could go away and think things through for themselves. Although this is admirable and does not impose judgement or some other viewpoint against the client's wishes, I'm with you on the need for advice and how incredibly beneficial this advise can be. Dear Cheshire cat your wisdom is so special thank you so much on your advice to us here on this site! I totally agree about the types of friendships one should cultivate and when one is young one still has an innocence about oneself and friendships created in this atmosphere are so very special.

Light and love to you both x


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