Kit Kat

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sadness...


By Kit Kat, 2016-07-13

I know this isn't really about being an empath, but.. I just have to express these feelings somehow. It's been a rough few days for me. And the worst part is that I know others have it so much worse, but I just can't help from crying about my own suffering.

Anyway, this week I realized that I look a lot different to other people than I do in mirrors because my face is asymmetrical. Before yesterday, I hadn't thought my face was that strange, but I certainly hated pictures. I feel so dumb that I never realized that the way I look in pictures is the way other people see me every day. I also found out that the reason I don't look weird (to myself) in mirrors is because my mind has compensated to make these asymmetrical features seem less noticeable. Still, I now realize why many people have looked at me like I have something wrong with me.

But on an empathic train of thought, I guess the best part about this realization is that my sadness/disappointment regarding the way I look has masked others' emotions to a degree. I feel so much more of my own emotions than usual, so I'm less effected by others' feelings. Can anyone relate to this? Maybe it means I'm not really an empath. I'm constantly doubting my empathic abilities. But then I think, I'm so hypersensitive, how could I not be an empath? I don't know... maybe the many "how to tell if you're an empath" sites just don't cut it, because I fit a significant amount of the attributes listed. And I don't just want to spend time alone, I HAVE to spend time alone, which is one of the biggest attributes it seems like.

On top of all this newfound low self esteem, I have been having my teachers grade my papers harshly, which I know isn't that big of a deal, but I have a rough time accepting criticism, and I always have. It's gotta be because I try so hard to do things right in the first place - it's such a let down when I don't do as well as I thought I would.

I guess "disillusionment" is the main theme of this blog post lol. My family keeps saying "you're beautiful, you're beautiful!" like a broken record, but I think they're either just being nice (like they're supposed to), or they have bad taste, or they're so used to the way I look that they don't think it's weird.

You guys may wonder why I'm so hurt by finding out my face is so asymmetrical. Well... feeling beautiful has always meant a lot to me. It makes everything better; somehow makes everything alright. So I've always been willing to do whatever it took to feel beautiful, (and thankfully I don't look good in makeup or else I would've gone that route for sure!). All of that feels like it means nothing now. It feels like I got the short end of the stick in life:

-being an empath

-having lots of health problems

-looking like a different person from either side of my face (seriously, I can look like three different people by only changing lighting and turning my head)

-My twin sister not having any of these problems (above)

I hope nobody reading this takes it the wrong way... I think lots of people with asymmetrical faces are attractive, just not mine. At least not yet; although right now it feels like I'll never get to a place where I can love the way I look. And I do see the benefits of being an empath. But right now I'm just sad....

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