Kimberly Rose
 

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Why Illness? Why?


By Kimberly Rose, 2013-10-30

Sigh, I have been rather ill for the last several weeks, and not just physically either. A lot has been going on and weighing on my mind causing my physical health to decline. First bit: my dog passed away (I miss him...). Second bit: my godmother is getting a divorce. Third bit: constant migraines are not good for art inspiration. Fourth bit: I found I am quite unhappy as an art student even though I love the classes but just life and all my other classes are constantly getting my attention and I can't fully focus or relax enough for a piece to come to mind. Also, I am bad at papers. College is exceptionally lots of papers.

Also there was someone I recently thought of and started drawing. Her name is Fey and I made her up when I was about 8, she is a princess. There was a picture I drew of Fey of when she was a little girl and playing in her play room. The picture originally seems very happy to me but then when I look at it more I see that it is actually a sad picture, for little Fey is the only human in the room. The other beings in there are a trio of creatures that I made up. The creatures are called Shayman and basically they're like Pokemon, but not exactly. One of them is just watching Fey because it is her mother's Shayman that has a psychic link with Fey's mother, because Fey's mother is the queen and doesn't have the time to watch her daughter herself; and the other two are little Shayman that are just little playmates for Fey if she got bored with her toys. Fey has 7 older brothers and she can't even play with them because they are princes and have no time for a little princess. Of course Fey's father is the king and ain't no one got time for play when they are the king, you know running a country and everything.

Another picture I did of Fey was of Fey and her "mother", I say "mother" because the woman in the picture with her isn't her mother but a Shayman impersonating her mother because, again, her mother is a busy woman.

I don't know why I find these both so sad, she was never alone, and there was some other life form there for her but...I think it is because that in all the pictures of Fey, even though she is never alone, she is the only human she has ever had contact with her entire existence.

Anyway, sorry about that, but I have been having trouble with my health. Some days I am just fine and others I am racked with painful migraines, arthritis like pain in my leg, and some days it just feels like my body is shutting down. I don't know what is up with my health but I have always suspected it had something to do with my mood. I don't know but ever since my mother said "Hey, just so you know Aunt Elaine is getting divorced, she's unhappy in her marriage," I just haven't been feeling well. Also I am going home this weekend and I have a baby shower, a Christmas party, and an art project due on Monday. My professors said to talk to them if I felt overwhelmed but overwhelmed was the first week of classes, now I am just stressed. My insomnia has been getting much worse that now I need to have some source of white noise to drown out my thoughts (which involves the fan that sits on my bed and blows cold air in my face and makes me cold) or I listen to Tom Hiddleston read poetry but that kills my iPod.

I don't know why my health is suddenly sabotaging me, I have to go to classes. I don't know what to do, but all I do know at this moment is to try to take one day at a time.

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So...My Dog Is Dying... :'''''(


By Kimberly Rose, 2013-09-22

And I just can't get over it, we got him when he was 1 back in 2001. His name is George and his birthday is April 1st, same day as my Aunt Kathy. He is 13 right now and he is a MiniatureSchnauzer. I used to be scared of him when I was younger because when my little sister was being baptized the priest's dog barked at me. I keep trying not to cry but I keep failing miserably. My mother said she I going to have him put to sleep on Tuesday the 24th (it is going to take me forever to type this because every other sentence I have to stop and rub the tears off my face and out of my eyes). He's sick and old, my mom doesn't want him to suffer anymore. Two months ago he was sick, he was sick with the same thing he has now. Both an ear infection and a bacteria spread neurological disease, we had to carry him out the door just so he could go to the bathroom, he was vomiting and shaking. They thought he wasn't going to recover last time, my mom said to me he might die then. I cried then and I am crying now.

Having George die is like watching a brother slip away. The vet was surprised at how empathetic we were to our dog, and how caring we were. Though what tears me up the most is that I can't be with him in his final moments because I am away at college, and my mother explained that we got George a Christmas ornament this year is because they didn't know how much longer George would last. It kills me to say that I am never going to see my dog again, seeing him sick is already painful. Writing this is so difficult because writing means that I am trying to come to terms with what is going on in my life right now and when it something sad I just...I just want to run away from what is causing the pain. I can't do that because to me running away from the fact that my childhood friend is dying means I am a coward.

I hate cowards, and I refuse to be one. I am not a little girl and I really don't want to cry at everything going on, I have to get my emotions under control. I hate not having them under control...and I hate that my George-y Porge-y pudding and pie is leaving forever. ("George-y Porge-y pudding and pie, licked the girls and made them cry" is what I said when he was sick, the vet called him Mister George because that is what my sister called him.) When my sister were saying our good-byes to him, we petted him and took pictures (I requested a video just because I am a video person), he didn't even acknowledge us or know we were there. My sister made me cry by what she told him. She told him that he will feel better and that he won't hurt anymore. I called him George-y Porge-y one last time and kissed his head, my sister and I cried loading up the car and leaving to go back to college. I miss him and just want him to be healthy again, not dying or anything.

My best friend understands what this is like and we hugged multiple times when I saw her this weekend. Her step-mother died of breast cancer when she was a little girl, and she loved her step-mother. Now every mother's day she goes to the cemetery to see her stepmother, I would love to the same to my puppy for his birthday. I don't know if George will be buried but I want something for him, because besides from some fish he was our first pet and even though I was afraid of him at first I grew to love him. I love him now and I am going to miss him so much :'(.

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College Is New Yet Some How Old.


By Kimberly Rose, 2013-08-28

So I am new to college as a freshman, I gradated high school last May and I have been at college for about a week and so far I have met so many art students than I ever knew in high school. Which is not a bad thing, I am an art student so I just found some people to go to open studio hours with when we work on our projects for school. Though still something confuses me.

My best friend broke up with her boyfriend about 3 times now since summer started and has gotten back together with the same boyfriend now 3 times again. All the times I offered the normal thing of causing him physical harm as my friend was cheated on and then dumped for a girl that was 12 years old (her boyfriend being 18 like me). I even wanted to shove him in a glass blowing oven because my college has one of those. I felt that I needed to defend my best friend's honor and for the fact that she is my beset friend, I feel like her older sister.

Though while at college I can't exactly focus on my best friend all the time like right now I am snap-chatting her while writing this blog sitting inmy dorm lobby because it the only room in this building that is air-conditioned. My laptop is dying, so is my iPod but I don't want to go to my room not only for the fact that my room mate has about5 people up there (it is hot enough with just 2 of us in there and we normally have the door open because that let heat out). I have an 8 am class in the morning and I want to get showered, get my math started because it is due in a week, I have an essay also due next week on the same day as my math homework. Now I just feel like I am whining.

Anyway, while at school (I mentioned the art students right? Yes, I did.) I have made some friends, most are in fact art students since I take most of my classes with art students. There is Rachel in Art Education (I believe), andJoe in 2D (he might go into Graphic Design but he doesn't quite know yet lol). We might have breakfast together again since we all have the same 8 am writing class and you never know if you get to have breakfast with 8 am classes. It was originally me and Joe eating together then I found Rachel and she sat with us (thank you Rachel because a couple of college freshman as a boy and a girl wasn't quite as awkward without the third person to fill our table more with laptops, bags, and people lol).

Joe and I are still quite awkward, we met the first day of classes when I went to the wrong math class (his math class) and we met again outside my 2D foundations class where he said, "Hey,weren't in my math class?" And I had to reply that sorry, I went to the wrong math class (isn't that a great way to start the semester, well at least I made a friend.). So he sat down beside me and I wanted to say something to him but I was really nervous so I wrote him a note saying that hi my name was Kim and that I was normally really shy and nervous when first meeting people. Then I mentioned the art building walls, they were plain and it didn't suit them but it is the only beginning of the year. We talked and I showed him some of my animations, we talked about majors and what we wanted to do. It was a nice conversation, I liked it. But I had to cut it short because it was 10 minutes before our different art classes started and I didn't want him or me to be late, he said he wasn't concerned about being late but I said bye anyway. Though I didn't notice what he said until some time later, but I was mostly shocked that all the younger art professors are so casually dressed the freshman art students openlyconfused them for students. It was honestly funny.

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Can't Sleep Mind Too Busy...


By Kimberly Rose, 2013-08-22
Insomnia is nothing new to me I promise but this certain case of insomnia is caused by something other than the chemicals in my brain but my brain does have something to do with it. You see there is this guy (isn't there always?) and my problem is that it is the same guy as all my other blog posts (not even kidding on that one). For those of you that don't know his name is Evan, Evan and I actually dated until he was bullied and he broke up with me, we were friends for a while before he dated my ex-best friend at the time. Teresa later apologized to me via Facebook message about being so bad to me during high school (which believe you me that I am happily done with high school, I move into college with in the next couple days). To me it seemed useless to apologize two months after graduation, but there is also no use in complaining about it. Anyway so here is what is bothering me so much about a guy I haven't talked to since April, why is it that whenever I start to think about him before I go to sleep I cry. I don't even know where or why, but I had an interesting dream once...I will tell you about it but if you don't want to hear it just skip it. So I was out of college, had a steady job and also a fianc. The fianc was named Clark and he was blind, so I went to the only bakery in my hometown which is owned by Evan's parents, and I went to Alex (Evan's Dad) to order a wedding cake (at this point my BFF said "Awkwo Taco" and made a turtle with her hands). To me that is a weird dream but then again my dreams could be triggered by the fact that I am leaving for college and Evan always acted like our friendship would end when I left for college...when actually it would end before I finished high school... Am I just receiving these emotions just because I am soon leaving for college and it is triggering an old memory or can it be like my best friend said to me one day at school...could I possibly be in love with Evan? But of course he has to be a Stagtarrius while I am an Aries...I just don't know.
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So yeah I should be doing homework but my mind itself is elsewhere, more in the area of thinking about the insigificance of relationships with people. In my own opinion relationships with human creatures are utterly pointless and right now I want to figure out who I am first. I am kind of in self preservation stage right because I have been double crossed in more than one time in my life, it's not fun as most people know. And the people who always did it just happened to be the people I trusted more than everyone else I know at that time in my life. Now that really sucks.

Though it really truly doesn't bother me because I am just about to end my final year in highschool and I am planning on going up and out. Turning my back on all the people who ever hurt me and creating my own better world. Now if only I could find a song on this planet that can truly convey my stern dislike for people that have taught me what not to be like. All the bullies that always wanted me to be deaf so I couldn't hear them. The friend that yelled at me for having a speech problem and made me want to be mute. She's just a ball of fun and when she verbally abused me because I didn't give her all my attention when I got my first boyfriend.

I know that the world out there is big and scary and not always kind but I don't care. My uncle got divorced 3 or 4 years ago and his daughters still haven't forgiven him and his middle daughter is graduating and he is forbidden to come. So guess what I'm doin'? I am inviting him to my commencements and graduation party. Why? Because he's my uncle and he may smell like cigerette smoke and beer but I don't care. Besides I don't know if my godmother is able to come and I want someone from my mother's side of my family to come. I don't get to see that side of my family very much.

What I don't get though, and I have said this many times already is that why do people constantly go against with one another? I have this friend that is having trouble with a friend that is pretending to be her best friend and yet is talking shit about her behind her back. I just did my normal thing of being silent and just listening because that's what I do and also my ex-best friend's girlfriend was sitting at the table. I don't talkaround her because she has this habit that I am not too fond of.

Anyway, my senior class trip was eariler last week and we went to New York City. On the way home I was being unusually chatty and some of the girls in my class asked me who I liked but apparently they didn't even need to ask since they all could guess it (wow). We were talking and I was telling them all this stuff, then a certain question came up. "How do you feel about Evan and Teresa?" My ex-best friend that only became my ex-best friend because he started dating her. I got out that I was supportive of the relationship before one of the others realized that the girl who was dating the boy we were talking about was right next to me.

Talk about awkward, we stopped at a rest stop and I got off for the sake of getting off and wanting to avoid Teresa, whom I had been nice to since she and Evan started dating and not just because that she was Evan's girlfriend. I am usually nice to people who replace me, well...this is the first that actually I come into contact with every day. The night before we left we got back to the hotel rather late in comparision to the other nights. Teresa wasn't feeling well so she just went to bed after brushing her teeth. I called my mother and talked to her on speaker phone because I hate holding phones up to my ear to talk to someone. Teresa told me that I could shower, so I showered and by the time I got out Teresa was asleep, so I took my ipod and listened to a song called Stay by Sugarland. I shed tears that needed to be shed and I felt better. Especially how for 2 hours Teresa was talking on the phone with someone noisy and disruptive, I was trying to work on my sonnets which requires some form of peace and quiet, and inspiration.

That was not happening as Miss Chatty Patty kept going on and on with her little phone call buddy so I blasted Supermassive Black Hole on my ipod so if I was going to blow my brains out at least Teresa and her little buddy weren't going to notice because they were just chatting away having a grand old time. I was so tempted to tell Teresa to be quiet or take her phone call into the bathroom because I was trying to work. She was not helping me. I never told her that and I never really figured out when the conversation ended because the magic of Supermassive Black Hole is that you can't hear anything at all.

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When A Friend Becomes A Stranger...


By Kimberly Rose, 2013-04-22

Hiya! My friend Evan stopped talking to me because he got a girlfriend. I know this girl and she verbally abused me while I was dating Evan and afterward, I want nothing more than to tell Evan about this stuff and yet I don't. In a way he kind of already knew about it but only a little bit of it because most of the shots she took at me where really personal and... hurtful. She knew a lot about me because she was my friend and she knew exactly where to hit me to make it hurt.

I was spending some time in Orlando and I was hanging out and listening to some people sing karaoke (this one older gentlemen was really good. I mean really good.). I get this text message that said "You're going to hate me." I knew exactly what was coming because each and every time he gets a girlfriend he starts it the exact same way.And...I wasn't so much hateful toward him as I was upset. I was upset and my friend Calvin found this out when I explained it to him the next morning at breakfast through tears and hugs.

Though this one text really got me fired up and unhappy. "My mom doesn't want us to date anymore." That text did not make me happy since previous to this conversation/argument I had told him multiple times that I was uninterested in dating anyone (that included him in there).But I got him a present in Orlando my bff/adoptive sister (I call her my little sister and we arerelated in no way)gave it to her boyfriend who apparently gave it to their school office to give to Evan (at least he did something rather than hide it in his house and not do anything).

I messaged Evan on facebook because I didn't unfriend him like I promised Emily I would. I told him that I was sorry about how I reacted, that I supported him and his new girlfriend and I hope he is happy and I hope he finds what he is looking for. I know he is looking for that perfect girl, "The One", and he always says he is so happy when he is dating someone. I just want him to be happy and...I don't want him to get hurt. I really care about him and it was him and his mom that told me to tell my parents about my suicidal thoughts (well...his mom really, he was freaking out and blah blah blah). Now I have people at school that if I need to talk to them I can so I have a professional in my school somewhere in my school I can talk to.

So yes, now I am getting professional help for this and I am feeling better about it. Blah blah blah, personal stuff in my life. Though I said this to Evan "I am sorry I was scared. I am sorry I care about your well-being." And I said that if he didn't want to be my friend anymore all he had to tell me and that I want to cut off communication until I get my life together and I am feeling better. I am feeling better now but I am not talking to him right now because play is going on and during play I have no life. It'sa gift. I get to be a french girl who only speaks one word of English.

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It Is A Living Nightmare...


By Kimberly Rose, 2013-04-01

I just had my 18th birthday on the 24th of Marchnot that long ago and I recently have been trying to get healthier with my body and my mind. I've been eating better, getting exercise (but I can not always remember ^^;) and exercise actually helps with mental health too as my research has told me. I'm a bit of a nerd that loves to do research as I love to learn. Though with my research has lead to a little of insecurity in me deep down, but still in my teenage years insecurities are absolutely normal. My friend Todd spoke with myself and my friend Emily about his thoughts of suicide and I wasn't exactly enjoying the conversation.

I had said that I was messed up and he said I was messed up in a good way because I could still be nice to people. Something that Todd really doesn't quite see is how I can be mean to people when they are mean to me first. Like shortly after Todd had left a pack of underclassmen came passed me and started to yell my name and I just shooed them. "Go away you little pests, I don't have timeto ignoreyou today." I told them. Emily and I were really concerned with him and he kept asking why we cared about if he died or not and we kept saying "Cause you're our friend and we care about you!" I suggested he talked to our school guidance counselor, the person I had to talk to when I had mentioned mynear suicide attempt when I was 10 in a speech. Then we found out that Todd was still in love with our friend Mikhaila, which is sooo cute in my own opinion and I can totally see it in how he treats her. Well...when her calculator goes missing we all know where it went and he doesn't try very hard to get his hat from her when she steals it off his head.

Also...the week before my birthday (a week often called "The Cursed Week" by yours truly by it's very reputation) something so very random and...out of the blue came out to me as my best friend and ex-boyfriend texted me these words: "What would you say or do if I said I still liked you?" I asked him if he wanted an honest answer and told him I'd hit him upside the head. (Just a little Gibbs, no brain damage I promise.) We've been talking every day since before Valentine's Day and since he was started to feel romantic feelings toward me we had made plans for birthday to go to the mall, the movies, and my favoite eating establishment (the plans were made a few weeks before the actual feelings started to set in) and...what he wanted to give me for my birthday kind of made my heart go "Aww." For my 18th birthday he wanted to give me my first kiss (turns out he wanted to do the same thing on my 17th birthday which I actually did spend with him). Though 3 days before my birthday he said he had bad news. Turns out his ex-girlfriend Jenna's break up with him hurt him a lot more than he let me know so his mother told him he couldn't go out with me on my birthday and he couldn't date for a while (which I was perfectly fine with, the poor thing).

Personally I wouldn't fully willing to date him again because of 1. My grades (I have a C in English I really want to get up) and 2. I am kinda still not healed from our break up that was now over a year ago. I kind of celebrated at being a single for an entire year because for one I had accomplished something he had clearly failed at (in the time span for us to become friends and talk again he'd had about 4 girlfriends and none of them lasting even a month) and I was kind of sad because I hadn't even gone any closer to moving on after him. And about 2 or 3 days ago he used the L word (love). He said "You love me so what can you do?" "You love me and love you." I hope that there is an "I" missing in there. But still, we are both 18 years old...how can we be so young and yet be in love??? Well...my friend Emily is 16 and is in love with her boyfriend Tevin (yes, that is his name, I didn't spell it wrong) who is about a year younger than me.

I...have this inward struggle with myself about this whole thing with Evan...I don't know...I just don't feel like I deserve his compassion,concern, and considerance of me. I am told I can do whatever I want but when it comes up that I could get hurt I have to stop. (I was climbing a tree over my Easter vacation and texting Evan at the same time and I told him that I wanted to climb higher but if I tried I could get really hurt. Common sense that if you could get hurt doing it don't do it right? Yeah but then he found out that I am not allowed climbing in the tree and I had to get down [at his request]. And he was happy when I was safe on the ground and looking at the tree and not in it getting cuts and scrapes.)

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My Daily Battle...Oh How I Want It To End...


By Kimberly Rose, 2013-03-10

I have to do a research report and I got to pick my topic. I, and apparently most of my classmates, chose to do our research on teenage depression. My most immediate thought that this is a reaction and recognition of last year my classmate commiting suicide, possibly each of us individually wants to learn about this because the most common thing that is associated with suicide is depression. Though, most likely different from my classmates, I actually suspect for myself for having teenage depression myself.

I have multiple of the symptoms even before I started research on the topic but they came to my attention after starting my research. I hope that these are normal for most regular people because unlike some my family doesn't have a history of depression. Just a history of driving me insane with thier stupid decisions. One uncle: two children out of wedlock and two divorces with both mothers. Another uncle: one child out of wedlock with his grandson being older than his youngest child.

I am not kidding here are the following symptoms I portray: apathy, headaches, fatigue, difficulty concentrating, difficulty making decisions, excessive or inappropriate guilt, memory loss, sadness, anxiety or a feeling of hopelessness, staying awake at night and sleeping during the day (exactly what I am doing right now), withdrawal from friends (I have one to two people I talk to on a daily basis and both of them know of my temptation to commit suicide...I didn't mention that did I?).

Yes, every time I get so far down in my mood I am so tempted to commit suicide (I know where all the prescription drugs are). I was actually was talking to my best friend on the planet when I got to into this low point of my mood and he was able to calm me down and make me feel better. I don't want to tell my other best friend that her boyfriend sent me down this spiral so that the temptation was so great I actually cried (then when her boyfriend found out he made me cry he was worried that I thought he was a jerk but I don't so it's cool.)

The reason I don't seek a doctor is because my family simply can not afford it. My little sister has her ADD medication and her doctor visits. My father also has his doctor's appointments and his diabetes stuff. My mother has something wrong with her leg that she refuses to do what the doctor recommended her to do. My older sister is in college right now and she is getting an apartment that needs furnishing. Plus...I am the one person in my house that isn't taking daily medication for something...and...I can't swallow pills. I hate medicine...not because it tastes bad either. So everyday I live with this voice in the back of my head telling me that all my problems will go away if I just put myself out of my misery. Then I think about my family and friends...some times on my own I can tell the voice that I'm not a coward and it can go to hell.

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