By Kimberly Rose, 2014-07-25
My mother says I am odd, how I like the story of Artemis and Orion. The tragedy that happened between them, (the version I go with of the story is that Artemis was about to give up her virgin goddess status to marry Orion, Apollo got mad, sent a massive scorpion after Orion to kill him but it ends up chasing him to the ocean where he starts to swim away from the scorpion, and Apollo challenges his sister to hit an impossible target in the water [Orion's head], she got him with an arrow through the temple, Orion's body gets washed to shore, Artemis is instantly heartbroken and asks Zeus to place Orion in the sky so he could continue living in the stars; I know there are lost of different versions but that one is my favorite), and the lessons that can be learned from this Greek tragedy.
Who doesn't love a good Greek tragedy? Which I know that makes me strange, a dedicated Catholic that studies Greek mythology. That, to me, sounds like an oxymoron.
I don't know what draws me to sad stories and sad songs...in my family that is deemed very strange, not to mention I prefer Vivaldi to 1D (is that right?) or some other band my 7 year old cousin would listen to. To me it seems I come from a different world, and not the usual thing with girls that they dream they are actually a princess living among common people, but that my tastes are different from normal people. But, my normal is their abnormal. I like it that way.
You see, my psychology book states that people in my stage of life are choosing between intimacy and isolation, my best friend chose intimacy and I chose isolation (we don't act completely the same like most friends today, but we understand each other). She understood my decision to and listened to my reasoning for my choice. I've felt isolated from people my entire life so far, willingly or not, and I always felt better by myself. Which is not a natural human behavior, we are social creatures, and we don't do well living by ourselves. You know those hermits that live alone in the desert or jungle for many many years, most often times when they are found they have a number screw loose.
Identity Vs. Role Confusion. I am also in this stage, so I am trying to figure out who I am, in fact the entire time I've been on Empath Community I have been in this stage, I've been on this site since I was 16. I'm not completely finished with learning my identity yet but every day I am trying new things to see who I am. Here's what I have so far:
1. I am a cheese lover.
2. I get sick really easy.
3. I am only slightly queasy when it comes to body fluids (this one is a bit of touch and go).
4. I am an artist if I want to be or not.
5. I love laughing.
6. I am family-orientated, but have you seen my cousin's baby? He is so freaking cute! I just want to hold him all day .
7. I am a night owl, and my mother doesn't like that at all.
8. I like many genres of music and books. But fantasy is my favorite, and I don't like the limitations put on me by my elders.
9. I enjoy helping people, doing manual labor isn't that bad but the guys are always telling me to go away and do something girls can do (which makes me stay and work twice as hard as them just because ;P).
10. I'm me, and I am okay with being different. If we all were the same everything would be sooo boring. (Yes, the four O's were appropriate.
By Kimberly Rose, 2014-05-20
I tend to contemplate a lot, which I guess isn't a bad thing really. I was just thinking about Grell (his real name is in past blogs but I am making the separation between us final, so no more first names) and how our relationship went so badly because of other people. We never got past the honeymoon stage, then its seemed like he was just trying to reconnect with me on a personal level when I didn't want to. I wanted nothing to do with him, but he wanted everything to do with me. I guess I don't quite understand it, just why he wanted to spend time with me, but for it to be secret. Well, actually I do, but then again part of my mind can't wrap around the concept. Though one thing did surface, that he was ashamed of our friend ship.
I really try not to think of Grell anymore but he comes to my mind more often than not more, especially since I saw him in my home town hand in hand with his girlfriend(my ex-best friend), and I just wanted to drag my fingernails into his throat to make him bleed to death. That sounds harsh but one side of me just feels this way, and I don't know why. It worries me. One half of me just wants to ignore him and the other part wants to kill him, I highly doubt that is normal. Grell and I were really good friends....and we dated even but his friends got the best of him and bullied him into dumping me (at least that is what he told me). The night we broke up I told my mom and she just hugged me then went back to doing laundry. Thanks mom.
I guess I've been thinking about him more and more is because back when I was dating him I thought and hoped we could get to be more than a high school occurrence. I wanted to get married, have a family, and be the best mother and wife I could be. When we broke up it sort of...distorted me in a way. There was one point that I didn't want to get married but I just wanted to be a mother, marriage became nothing to me. Romance became so stupid and I didn't want anything to do with it, I had seen far too many divorces and my vision of love had been destroyed. Part of my brain deemed it irrational and stupid (like Bones from the TV show Bones), it be not needed.
I know parental love, I am well versed in that, and I guess I understand that. My mother says it is natural for me to want to be a mother myself because I played with baby dolls all my life, and played house with my cousins. Though I see where my mother is coming from I wonder about my disregard for romantic love but I want to emerge myself in the love of a mother and child.
I still sort of disregard love, part of me sees it as just a ploy for people to come into my life to destroy me from the inside out. I never had the fairytale perspective of love, ever, and I grew up on Disney movies. I never really liked the Disney princesses anyway, I was the weird one in the family. I dreamed every night of being a mother, it wasn't until later, actually my first semester of college, that I dreamed of getting married. My first dream of me getting married was very weird in my opinion but I won't go into it.
Also when I was about 15 I started to explore my sexuality, which was a secret endeavor because I knew I was different some how but I just wanted to know how different I actually was. I discovered I was asexual, with a possibly of being pansexual. Even now I don't quite know which it is but I know one thing, I don't like physical love (if you get what i mean by that). I did have a boy friend once but I don't know if it is a lack of attraction to either gender or a fear of intimacy. I don't like being touched by people or having private conversations with just one other person. I was intimated to talk to a guy I referred to and only saw as a friend, because he was male and my vision of males were that they just wanted to get close enough to me to hurt me. Nothing more than that.
I know that I want to get help for my problems in life but my parents don't see my mental health so much as a priority, I guess. They moved me back home for support, I guess, but they just give me a list of things to do and make sure I am doing my online classes. They had me transferred to another school and want me to keep going with my education before anything else. I'll be a full time student next semester, in the fall, at the same time of moving out of my childhood home of nearly 20 years. It doesn't surprise me that much, but I'll tell you what I told Grell so many times: I'm used to it.
By Kimberly Rose, 2014-04-16
My mother is furious with me and my dad is trying to be supportive and blah blah blah. I don't mean to sound like a pompous brat but right now I am sort of in a tug of war with myself and what everyone expects of me.
I am not doing very well at school, so my advisor thinks it may be better for me to go home and leave college life, my mother wants everything but that. I just want to be happy with whatever I want to do with my life, as I feel as though my world is collapsing in upon itself.
My advisor commented on how everything I was talking about was what my mother wanted, and I said nothing about what I wanted. I wanted to go into journalism and I started being an art student because that is what everyone else thought that I could have a successful career in that. I understand that my mother wants the best for me but I just want to be happy and find out who I am. I have been constantly searching for the better things in life since I was a child, figuring out that a life full of possessions is one of the emptiest lives you can live.
I hate writing blogs when I am crying but I feel that when I feel as though my emotions are coming freely I can be myself. I want a life full of family and love, I some day what to get married, have 4(or more, you never know)kids (my sisters already think I am insane by wanting to homeschool my future children to protect them from the pain and rejection I felt growing up). Money is nice and all but I would rather have my family than anything else.
Though what really hurts right now is that my dad is making me feel worse than normal because he is constantly telling me he loves me and only wants the best for me. Part of me knows he does care and that I really am not helping myself but another part of me is furious, lashing out silently at my family. This is a common thing said: "How dare you tell me you care! How dare you say that. When my grades were you never said anything to me. You ignored me, I was left alone. No one was ever there for me before and now that I am not getting good grades you care!"
I just don't know what to do and I feel absolutely awful about everything.
By Kimberly Rose, 2014-03-15
By Kimberly Rose, 2014-03-12
So I saw my best friend for the first time in what seems like forever, there was some stuff I knew about going on but then there is stuff I didn't know about. We planned the ultimate destruction of our enemies (ex-boyfriends specifically), normal girl stuff (well, that's normal for me best friend and I lol), and then she told me she's being forced to quit play because of health issues. She had bad issues before but since the car accident this past summer her health problems have been worse, at least. Some of my old friends from high school that were her friends too have turned their backs on her, and it is something like WW6 or 7, too many wars to count. I'm in college now, it's technically not my problem but I worry about my best friend/practically adoptive sister. High school is hell but I feel really bad that she has to endure it without me physically by her side.
I'm contemplating taking a year off school to do a soul searching thing. My dad wants me to take a year off my present college and go to one closer to home for a year, and I'm just thinking "That kind of defeats the purpose of taking a year off and then I am enrolled at two separate colleges." I'm already tearing my hair out, wanting to get my head shaved so I don't have to worry about that anymore. I would love to get my head on straight but I don't know if I can, I should have gotten help when I was 10. I fear I'm too far gone but I know that I can just...just try and fix myself. I told my dad that my mind is unstable and that I would gladly just take time to know myself before I try and decide what I want to do.
I have a deep love for psychology but I know my parents would just tell me that I'll never get a job, so I want to write a novel but that's a difficult task because my parents want me to have a full time job when I get out of college, but I don't want a job. I want a career, something I would enjoy doing the rest of my life, also I want to be able to some day meet a guy and have a family (I would enjoy 4 kids, 3 boys and 1 girl to have a bit of a challenge), with a dog maybe if my kids convince me that they can handle the responsibility of a dog. My family first got out dog when I was about 6 or 7, and we were okay.
Though my best friend is going to have neck surgery over the summer and I want to be there for her since she is practically my sister. Or I will be there the best I can since a true friend is loyal and supportive of their friend, I'll text her every day. We could have our movie day while she's in the hospital or whenever she wants. We've been dying to watch Pride and Prejudice together, and swooning over Mr. Darcy . Bus rides were fun with out conversations when I was in high school, and we would talk face to face all the time because that is how communication should be done.
I am there for my best friend but it breaks my heart when I can't be directly there beside her taking down her enemies with the strength of our will. I know she is fine, the bullies don't bother her especially since I had theaudacityto tell one of them toevolve past primate.
By Kimberly Rose, 2014-03-05
I was listening to a song on the internet, yes big surprise, and I thought about how I am pretty much failing college, going to be kicked out and how my parents are going to be so pissed but I really don't care. I always thought about running away and leaving my life behind, but I decided I could never do that to my family. Especially now. So I listened to a song I showed my best friend when she was having a really hard time in high school and there was more than the usual drama in her life (her life is dramatic like most people but there were some people that were causing extra trouble). I remembered why I showed her the song in the first place, it was the lyrics I always took to heart whenever I listened to that song:
"There, there, baby
Its justtext bookstuff
Its in the ABC of growing up
Now, now, darlin
Oh dont lose your head
'Cause none of us were angels
And you know I love you, yeah."
Imogen Heap, Speeding Cars
And for the rest of that year whenever things got hard I would sing her thatsnippetof the song because that was always the best thing I could do for her. I couldn't wave a wand and make the problems go away. All I could do was assure her that things would get better and that I was next to her no matter what.
But society has me worried. The greed of man is increasing at a steady rate and soon we won't be ever to satisfy the greed in our hearts. I'd be happy to get to work for my great uncle on his farm or get to garden with my grandmother. Pickingstrawberrieswhen I was younger was fun enough (they have to red but not too red), and then we got paid for the strawberries we picked (and we got to keep them I think...Idon'tquite remember, I was about 6). I kind of want a simple life but everyone else wants to make life a competition, and I have had enough of competitions.
By Kimberly Rose, 2014-02-02
Beauty is in the eye of the Beholder.
I like snowflakes, I bought a snowflake necklace today because I liked it. It has green gems and I thought that a snowflake with green gems would be nice to have. My sister and I were buying jewelry for Tom Hiddleston Spirit Week (his birthday is coming up. It was Shakespeare Sunday today). My two favorite colors are blue and green, the colors of the sea on a nice day. I have a character in the story I am writing with sea green eyes, to me she is beautiful. She is 14 years old and nearly 6 feet tall (one inch off), she is abnormal but in that abnormality she is beautiful. Beauty has nothing to do with the outside, beauty has something to do with individuality for me. I call her beautiful because there is not another person like her in the world, like a snowflake. Snowflakes are beautiful because of their individuality.
If there was a snowflake for every person on earth every single snowflake would be different, and that is how the world is. There is no way that everyone is normal, there is just everyone's brand of normal. Like a brand of perfume, a perfume wouldn't smell the same to many different people. I like the smell of rain and the sight of falling snow.
Beauty is the eye of the Beholder.
I love drawing eyes, to me eyes can convey the life of a person. They are the gateways to the soul, I can see so much in someone's eyes. I love the heart of a person, if they let me see what is truly inside. I fell for a boy because of his heart, it was a kind heart, and his eyes were the darkest brown I had ever seen. My uncle is blind but that does not stop him from seeing the beauty of everything, he plays the piano and puts music to what he finds in beauty. He can also play the guitar if it in on his lap (I've seen it happen).
I am an artist, not by choice, it makes me feel better. If you saw what came out someone would be horrified, the scenes I see inside my head. To me they are normal, to someone else they are a horror film in the beginning stages of development. To me the world is hollow, close to swallowing me up. Every day I fight for my life and some days I make things easier for me by giving myself motivation (some people its a special dessert they have been saving, for me its the late several minutes of a television episode I really want to see).
Beauty is the Beholder.
I am beautiful the way I am. I don't care what my bullies said as I was growing up. I am not stupid, I am not ugly, and I am not a waste of space. Some days that is hard to believe but I am going to change that. Because I am beautiful, like everyone else. Beauty is the beholder. There is no one else like me and I tend to keep my snowflake from melting. You should too.
By Kimberly Rose, 2013-11-06
I am having such a hard time with my classes and I don't know of anyone I can talk to so I am choosing to vent on my blog, which I know that by this point everyone who even thinks of reading this will stop and press the back space, it's okay, I understand. But I just read my email from my professor of my writing class to tell me that I am failing the class. I know it's my own fault for it but...I was doing fine until something happened to make me want to just stay in bed all day. Only about an hour my partner for my art class, my last chance to pulling my grade in that class back up, told me that she got a new partner all because I didn't want to face my professor today about my lack of pictures on flickr. I don't know what to do for my classes and I just want to do better and be a good student. It's kind of hard for me because of my unwanted habits of slipping back into a depressive state. Like my partner telling me had a new partner actually made me cry and also she used a word to me proves that I am practically left for dead here: "Whatever." To me the word whatever means that all hope is lost and that is a lost cause. SO while in the middle of a fire drill and my dorm having to be evacuated I ask someone to help me because I don't have a partner anymore, Joe. Joe took the art class I am in now and so far he has been a better help...I don't know if that sounds bad or not... And I have way too many interest for me to fully understand what I am supposed to be doing in class. So I am going to try and turn this around as fast as I can, starting tomorrow with my writing class. My professor gave me some options to do for the class and I am going to give it a shot. I am going to drop one of my art classes to make some time in my schedule for going to places that could help me with my classes. And apparently take pictures of pine trees and some how get some pine tree branches to scan(this is how helpful Joe is and I am pretty sure he is getting annoyed with me asking a million questions). Now, I am actually feeling a little better after spending some time outside and talking to someone. Now...why do pine trees have needles?