It Is A Living Nightmare...
I just had my 18th birthday on the 24th of Marchnot that long ago and I recently have been trying to get healthier with my body and my mind. I've been eating better, getting exercise (but I can not always remember ^^ and exercise actually helps with mental health too as my research has told me. I'm a bit of a nerd that loves to do research as I love to learn. Though with my research has lead to a little of insecurity in me deep down, but still in my teenage years insecurities are absolutely normal. My friend Todd spoke with myself and my friend Emily about his thoughts of suicide and I wasn't exactly enjoying the conversation.
I had said that I was messed up and he said I was messed up in a good way because I could still be nice to people. Something that Todd really doesn't quite see is how I can be mean to people when they are mean to me first. Like shortly after Todd had left a pack of underclassmen came passed me and started to yell my name and I just shooed them. "Go away you little pests, I don't have timeto ignoreyou today." I told them. Emily and I were really concerned with him and he kept asking why we cared about if he died or not and we kept saying "Cause you're our friend and we care about you!" I suggested he talked to our school guidance counselor, the person I had to talk to when I had mentioned mynear suicide attempt when I was 10 in a speech. Then we found out that Todd was still in love with our friend Mikhaila, which is sooo cute in my own opinion and I can totally see it in how he treats her. Well...when her calculator goes missing we all know where it went and he doesn't try very hard to get his hat from her when she steals it off his head.
Also...the week before my birthday (a week often called "The Cursed Week" by yours truly by it's very reputation) something so very random and...out of the blue came out to me as my best friend and ex-boyfriend texted me these words: "What would you say or do if I said I still liked you?" I asked him if he wanted an honest answer and told him I'd hit him upside the head. (Just a little Gibbs, no brain damage I promise.) We've been talking every day since before Valentine's Day and since he was started to feel romantic feelings toward me we had made plans for birthday to go to the mall, the movies, and my favoite eating establishment (the plans were made a few weeks before the actual feelings started to set in) and...what he wanted to give me for my birthday kind of made my heart go "Aww." For my 18th birthday he wanted to give me my first kiss (turns out he wanted to do the same thing on my 17th birthday which I actually did spend with him). Though 3 days before my birthday he said he had bad news. Turns out his ex-girlfriend Jenna's break up with him hurt him a lot more than he let me know so his mother told him he couldn't go out with me on my birthday and he couldn't date for a while (which I was perfectly fine with, the poor thing).
Personally I wouldn't fully willing to date him again because of 1. My grades (I have a C in English I really want to get up) and 2. I am kinda still not healed from our break up that was now over a year ago. I kind of celebrated at being a single for an entire year because for one I had accomplished something he had clearly failed at (in the time span for us to become friends and talk again he'd had about 4 girlfriends and none of them lasting even a month) and I was kind of sad because I hadn't even gone any closer to moving on after him. And about 2 or 3 days ago he used the L word (love). He said "You love me so what can you do?" "You love me and love you." I hope that there is an "I" missing in there. But still, we are both 18 years old...how can we be so young and yet be in love??? Well...my friend Emily is 16 and is in love with her boyfriend Tevin (yes, that is his name, I didn't spell it wrong) who is about a year younger than me.
I...have this inward struggle with myself about this whole thing with Evan...I don't know...I just don't feel like I deserve his compassion,concern, and considerance of me. I am told I can do whatever I want but when it comes up that I could get hurt I have to stop. (I was climbing a tree over my Easter vacation and texting Evan at the same time and I told him that I wanted to climb higher but if I tried I could get really hurt. Common sense that if you could get hurt doing it don't do it right? Yeah but then he found out that I am not allowed climbing in the tree and I had to get down [at his request]. And he was happy when I was safe on the ground and looking at the tree and not in it getting cuts and scrapes.)