My Daily Battle...Oh How I Want It To End...
I have to do a research report and I got to pick my topic. I, and apparently most of my classmates, chose to do our research on teenage depression. My most immediate thought that this is a reaction and recognition of last year my classmate commiting suicide, possibly each of us individually wants to learn about this because the most common thing that is associated with suicide is depression. Though, most likely different from my classmates, I actually suspect for myself for having teenage depression myself.
I have multiple of the symptoms even before I started research on the topic but they came to my attention after starting my research. I hope that these are normal for most regular people because unlike some my family doesn't have a history of depression. Just a history of driving me insane with thier stupid decisions. One uncle: two children out of wedlock and two divorces with both mothers. Another uncle: one child out of wedlock with his grandson being older than his youngest child.
I am not kidding here are the following symptoms I portray: apathy, headaches, fatigue, difficulty concentrating, difficulty making decisions, excessive or inappropriate guilt, memory loss, sadness, anxiety or a feeling of hopelessness, staying awake at night and sleeping during the day (exactly what I am doing right now), withdrawal from friends (I have one to two people I talk to on a daily basis and both of them know of my temptation to commit suicide...I didn't mention that did I?).
Yes, every time I get so far down in my mood I am so tempted to commit suicide (I know where all the prescription drugs are). I was actually was talking to my best friend on the planet when I got to into this low point of my mood and he was able to calm me down and make me feel better. I don't want to tell my other best friend that her boyfriend sent me down this spiral so that the temptation was so great I actually cried (then when her boyfriend found out he made me cry he was worried that I thought he was a jerk but I don't so it's cool.)
The reason I don't seek a doctor is because my family simply can not afford it. My little sister has her ADD medication and her doctor visits. My father also has his doctor's appointments and his diabetes stuff. My mother has something wrong with her leg that she refuses to do what the doctor recommended her to do. My older sister is in college right now and she is getting an apartment that needs furnishing. Plus...I am the one person in my house that isn't taking daily medication for something...and...I can't swallow pills. I hate medicine...not because it tastes bad either. So everyday I live with this voice in the back of my head telling me that all my problems will go away if I just put myself out of my misery. Then I think about my family and friends...some times on my own I can tell the voice that I'm not a coward and it can go to hell.