I tend to contemplate a lot, which I guess isn't a bad thing really. I was just thinking about Grell (his real name is in past blogs but I am making the separation between us final, so no more first names) and how our relationship went so badly because of other people. We never got past the honeymoon stage, then its seemed like he was just trying to reconnect with me on a personal level when I didn't want to. I wanted nothing to do with him, but he wanted everything to do with me. I guess I don't quite understand it, just why he wanted to spend time with me, but for it to be secret. Well, actually I do, but then again part of my mind can't wrap around the concept. Though one thing did surface, that he was ashamed of our friend ship.
I really try not to think of Grell anymore but he comes to my mind more often than not more, especially since I saw him in my home town hand in hand with his girlfriend(my ex-best friend), and I just wanted to drag my fingernails into his throat to make him bleed to death. That sounds harsh but one side of me just feels this way, and I don't know why. It worries me. One half of me just wants to ignore him and the other part wants to kill him, I highly doubt that is normal. Grell and I were really good friends....and we dated even but his friends got the best of him and bullied him into dumping me (at least that is what he told me). The night we broke up I told my mom and she just hugged me then went back to doing laundry. Thanks mom.
I guess I've been thinking about him more and more is because back when I was dating him I thought and hoped we could get to be more than a high school occurrence. I wanted to get married, have a family, and be the best mother and wife I could be. When we broke up it sort of...distorted me in a way. There was one point that I didn't want to get married but I just wanted to be a mother, marriage became nothing to me. Romance became so stupid and I didn't want anything to do with it, I had seen far too many divorces and my vision of love had been destroyed. Part of my brain deemed it irrational and stupid (like Bones from the TV show Bones), it be not needed.
I know parental love, I am well versed in that, and I guess I understand that. My mother says it is natural for me to want to be a mother myself because I played with baby dolls all my life, and played house with my cousins. Though I see where my mother is coming from I wonder about my disregard for romantic love but I want to emerge myself in the love of a mother and child.
I still sort of disregard love, part of me sees it as just a ploy for people to come into my life to destroy me from the inside out. I never had the fairytale perspective of love, ever, and I grew up on Disney movies. I never really liked the Disney princesses anyway, I was the weird one in the family. I dreamed every night of being a mother, it wasn't until later, actually my first semester of college, that I dreamed of getting married. My first dream of me getting married was very weird in my opinion but I won't go into it.
Also when I was about 15 I started to explore my sexuality, which was a secret endeavor because I knew I was different some how but I just wanted to know how different I actually was. I discovered I was asexual, with a possibly of being pansexual. Even now I don't quite know which it is but I know one thing, I don't like physical love (if you get what i mean by that). I did have a boy friend once but I don't know if it is a lack of attraction to either gender or a fear of intimacy. I don't like being touched by people or having private conversations with just one other person. I was intimated to talk to a guy I referred to and only saw as a friend, because he was male and my vision of males were that they just wanted to get close enough to me to hurt me. Nothing more than that.
I know that I want to get help for my problems in life but my parents don't see my mental health so much as a priority, I guess. They moved me back home for support, I guess, but they just give me a list of things to do and make sure I am doing my online classes. They had me transferred to another school and want me to keep going with my education before anything else. I'll be a full time student next semester, in the fall, at the same time of moving out of my childhood home of nearly 20 years. It doesn't surprise me that much, but I'll tell you what I told Grell so many times: I'm used to it.