I Might Be Putting My Education On Hold
My mother is furious with me and my dad is trying to be supportive and blah blah blah. I don't mean to sound like a pompous brat but right now I am sort of in a tug of war with myself and what everyone expects of me.
I am not doing very well at school, so my advisor thinks it may be better for me to go home and leave college life, my mother wants everything but that. I just want to be happy with whatever I want to do with my life, as I feel as though my world is collapsing in upon itself.
My advisor commented on how everything I was talking about was what my mother wanted, and I said nothing about what I wanted. I wanted to go into journalism and I started being an art student because that is what everyone else thought that I could have a successful career in that. I understand that my mother wants the best for me but I just want to be happy and find out who I am. I have been constantly searching for the better things in life since I was a child, figuring out that a life full of possessions is one of the emptiest lives you can live.
I hate writing blogs when I am crying but I feel that when I feel as though my emotions are coming freely I can be myself. I want a life full of family and love, I some day what to get married, have 4(or more, you never know)kids (my sisters already think I am insane by wanting to homeschool my future children to protect them from the pain and rejection I felt growing up). Money is nice and all but I would rather have my family than anything else.
Though what really hurts right now is that my dad is making me feel worse than normal because he is constantly telling me he loves me and only wants the best for me. Part of me knows he does care and that I really am not helping myself but another part of me is furious, lashing out silently at my family. This is a common thing said: "How dare you tell me you care! How dare you say that. When my grades were you never said anything to me. You ignored me, I was left alone. No one was ever there for me before and now that I am not getting good grades you care!"
I just don't know what to do and I feel absolutely awful about everything.