Kevin P

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Difficult Day

By: Kevin P
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Although I have been getting better atbattlingtheonslaught of emotion that slams me in the face on a daily basis, today was a difficult day.

I wasrunninglate for an appointment this afternoon having to wait for my partner to get himself ready so we could leave. I knew he felt bad about making me late so I held in my emotions so as not to make him feel worse (when he feels bad, I pick up on his emotions and it seems amplified tenfold). After my appointment (at the Costcooptometrist), I found him in the store nothavingstarted the grocery shopping! I was so upset, but again I could tell he felt bad not remembering what was onthe shoppinglist.

I have been under tremendous pressure being unemployed for the past year, looking for a job, failing interviews, and feeling a bit depressed intheprocess and now this. I just wanted to explode!!!!

I know things have been bottling up inside me for a very long time and I find myself crying silently on a daily basis wishing it would all be over. No, I'm not on the edge of suicide, nor do I EVER think about taking my own life, but if the time comes when my world comes to an end, I would welcome it.

I know this is more than simply being empathic and that there are many things at play here. The battle for finding a new job drains me and I've all but given up looking. So I am trying to remain positive and tell myself things will improve. I just wish I could believe it.

Sorry for my rambling. I really don't have anyone I can talk to but getting it out on paper helps to organize my thoughts and istherapeutic. I already feel better and in control once again. I think I will sleep well tonight and be ready to tackle another day. Thanks for listening.

Blessed Be.

Gigi Miner
04/10/13 08:30:59AM @gigi-miner:

Money issues always seem to throw us off balance. I'm in a similar position, waiting and waiting for something to budge. I can say that it's given me many insights that I probably would not have been able to get were I working.

If I may give the small bit of advice...use it while you've got it. Let the time and sense of emptiness work with you to guide you. "What's the lesson" is always a good way to start. Not easy by any means. Life gets in the way and feeling out of control doesn't help.

You said just writing it out helped. Do you journal? I find if you write it all out, in any form you wish, it does aid in working it out. You can even swear, blame, do whatever you want that you would never consider doing face to face with anyone...then burn it or rip it up. You've released all the negative energy without harming anyone else and you've allowed yourself an expression of what's happening without trying to protect someone else. Which, btw, is a good thing that you care enough to not lash out at your partner. But with this you can do any lashing you wish (and might discover some well buried insights) as it will never go in their direction...just onto the page and then up in smoke. :)

Hang in there. Sometimes things present themselves in the strangest packages.