Questions, chest pain, philosophies about life and purposes...
I do not know what kind of Pandora's Box has been opened inside me, and i do not know how to explain it, but i have been experiencing a lot of turmoil deep inside for almost two years. It is like i am constantly fighting against myself, trying to block a strange influx of bad thoughts and energies and my resistance is slowly drifting away.
Now that I'm away from parents and family and among my uncles who seem very depressed and fighting with each other and on the verge of moving to another apartment... well, i simply seem to become worse. I always loved spending the summer at my relatives in another city where i am right now, but this summer something changed in the air, and i felt it from the last winter when it was almost like... stiffer.
Now I had a strange feeling when i slept the first night here: it was like my chest started burning and i literally started to cry and feel a deep sadness! It was strange, i thought that hey, maybe just a repressed feeling from the fact that i said something rude to someone and nah, now i'm just feeling sorry and letting it go away, but... the following days it got worse. I moved in around 4 beds in this house searching for a comfortable one and i actually found out that in the living room i felt the most disorientated after waking up or simply trying to sleep there for more than 10-15 minutes, and it was like my energy got leeched, i mean, i wake up everytime with a spinning head (the bed is positioned between 2 doors), thing that won't happen if i sleep, for example, in another room... and remember, i wasn't testing these things consciously, i simply experienced these strange feelings all of a sudden and decided to resist, but.... it's getting so hard, i'm simply sucked up in the energy of places, and there are even some who ask "why do you keep this high stance/ or do you think yourself superior/ or they simply feel intimidated and think i keep a wall up out of malice, and i absolutely hate being accused of such things.
So literally, my resistance is slowly 'melting' and when i sleep i start getting these strange sensations, not only like floating, but random images and thoughts that come mercilessly into my mind. I find it harder keeping my mind straight, like, "hey i love going to those riding lessons, animals and horses were my passions since ever, i loved them continuously and now i have the occasion to go there!" now it's like "am i sure about it? something bad will happen" and again, mind is slipping, and i struggle to think at something good.
It happened to me when i was younger, but i never felt so hopeless, and ever since i started studying and reading about energies & co my life got better in this demeanor... I think. I mean, now i can control myself in a public situation without starting to get dizzy like it would have happened before (i guess i was what was called an easy target for energy "vampires"?) but now something strange is happening. I feel like I am trying to escape form something, not that i always felt like that in a way... my dreams when i was younger were always about me beingg chased or chasing something.
But ever since i aknowledged these things it's like my faith got smaller, and i feel the need to control the outcome of a situation. I must say that it worked: it is almost like i can control happenings sometimes based on a close observation of people and reactions around, but the repercussions appear soon if i exagerrate, and i sometimes use persuasion for what i consider good thoughts, but it isn't always right applying them at a certain time.
So the thing is that i feel like my mind is caged in something, and i absolutely cannot sleep. I simply can't. Something is happening with my mind, and the turmoil almost always ends at around 3 o'clock : am i getting crazy, are these just panic attacks? but panic coming from what? ... well, my chest is burning and i feel sadness around me, and dense energies, and fear, lots of fear, manifesting as agitation (coming from people).
I decided to see around which people i feel bad. Yep, the ones i indentified as "agitated because hurt and scared". When i am aroudn animals or kids and peaceful elders, i suddenly become normal again, laughing, talking from my heart, but basically thinking good and feeling well and understood. Thsi applies for family and good friends. I am basically a hurt person too.
In reality i know nothing is catastrophic and some simple good thoughts can be of an enormous help, but it doesn't stop here. I feel unabel to express myself and to work, to use my full potential. Now i really do feel caged, and the sleepless nights are now becoming evident...
What could be causing these things? i say prays, i even went to church and started crying the hell out of me, suddenly, but as i walked out the cloack of adness was still over my shoulders. Oh yeah, talking about shoulders... i feel burden. What lesson am I missing, wht words am i ginoring? ... I feel so confused,, but if only it was just tat... my imunitary system is also suffering, and i caught, these days again too (what a coincidence) a very, very bad cold. My throat especially is the most affected. and again, a burning sensation in my chest.
I think i shoudl just go home, but no, i simply decided to remain here for nother week! Why, just why? I know deep inside i want to solve the problem, but i'm sacrificing myself! I try to fight against the negative things, i say to myself good things, i try to visualise, i hope, i want, sometimes it works, like somone lights a bulb and hop is tere again, but it soon goes away again as my mind listens to what is going on around..
I know it's a lot, but i just feel like talking, with like minded people, and i cannot talk about these deep feelings and energies with anybody else in my life, at this level. I will be contented with anything, from a small answer from someone who only read a quarter of what i wrote to a quote or something thoughtful... i just hope i won't go down, and that i'll maintain my ideals and hopes unspoiled by hatred or fear.. but here are times ehn i cannot understand myself, and when the voice of my own ratio isn't clear. I mean, just look at what philosophies i wrote here. Why don't i see life simplier?
How easy it must be for one to close it's eyes and see itself only, and ignore the needs of others, the feelings coming from them, their surroundings, the fact that eveything is a network of enegies and we affect each other, and advise others to only care about oneself. I can't do that. Everything around me, affects me, and i cannot ignore it, i have to do something that affects the bad and makes the wheels rotate in the good direction, because ignoring it is ignoring my sould and the others, and giving up care and compassion.
My, did i really write these? : ( I must be really sad )