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Feeling Lost - Absorbing Negative Energy - Advice Needed

By: karma
Posted in:

Hi Everyone

I am feeling lost here because as yet I have found nothing to suggest a similar experience to my own. I have only recently become aware that I have literally been somebody else emotionally for a year.

So easy to determine me someone with a disorder as my mood swings have been erratic from confused, agitated, stressed, angry, all negative traits you can think of.... However now removed from a situation (working with a lad with learning disabilities who, although able to talk has no real ability to express feelings other than in behavioural outbursts) I am now beginning to wind down and think more clearly, am not with any otherwise irrational mood swings either.

I have worked with this lad for two years, the first was great but, his behaviours at home caused a move to residential in which everything changed for him and myself, our time together increased.

I initially began to get twinges of anxiety in which I just thought were down to having to cope with the stress of his behaviours... These twinges became more frequent and my brain truly began to fog, my emotional state was varied, my personality becoming more negative and I have believed I have been suffering a bit of a breakdown

Now though, taking myself away from the situation, I see, I was only ever agitated when he was, stressed when he was and the brain fog was just daily being in his presence... The more I analyse the last year the more clear and direct it all is. I was undoubtedly absorbing the emotions and feelings of this lad.

A good example would be, He would be asked to do something, I would be glared at and out of nowhere I would feel very agitated (I would walk away feeling disgusted with myself for the surge of agitation) another example, he would be told something he wanted couldnt happen, I would feel stressed and foggy, low and anxious... I also became very anxious around people.

At the end of each day rather than the feelings dispersing, I would be drained and feel very low as if all my energy had been used up. My self confidence has been quashed to nothing.

To so many it will sound far fetched but, I cannot express enough exactly how intense this has been. I came here hoping someone will recognize this as an empathic situation and help me/educate me as to prevent this ever happening again as in all honesty I am scared of it. I am not away and cured so to speak, this has affected me considerably.

I have always been sensitive to others feelings and emotions, I cannot bear any form of cruelty it makes me quite ill to hear of it.... But, nothing like this has ever happened to me before to be honest I did not actually believe anything like this could.

I always thought of empathy as feeling another`s pain I did not know what it was and how excessive it could be. Any advice or similar experiences?

11/11/15 08:34:28PM @womanwhowalks:

Hi...I can understand what you've gone though...having worked with elderly and physically disabled people for years before I changed careers....you developed a strong link to your charge....it's an energy link....linking you to him....as a care giver I also made numerous links to all my people...that's how I knew before being told what was needed to be done most times before being told....the link contains all the individual's, personality,.emotions,thought....etc...but most people aren't aware of the link...no one feels it...I do...since he's a person who is limited in his expression the link would be automatic...plus...he's probably empathic in some way too because of his disability he's learned without knowing he's learning to connect his energy to you.....this link between you may have been over stimulating him as well....and it bounced back and forth between you.......the longer you were with him the stronger it became....and that's where the danger is...as an empath I can loose myself in other people's energy...and I had to learn to disconect the links....so that whatever I was feeling from someone wouldn't overwhelm me...and take over my own personality....it's still a struggle ever day because i have to sever links when I feel them connect....I'm that sensitive...his link would be very strong and deep...so learning to recognize the links and taking them out on a regular basis would be best...it doesn't hurt anyone...in fact would probably make him feel better too...so learning how to remove your own links from others would be good to...it's something extra to do...and it's a pain in the butt...butit feels so much better and quieter after the links are severed,,,that it's worth it...lol

11/11/15 08:59:31PM @womanwhowalks:

And since it was such a strong link...it may not detatch completely....when an energy cord attatches it spreads out...like roots of a tree or plant...it grows roots...especially when people are together for long periods of time...and his link's been draining you which means it probably has deep roots...and those will also need to be removed so they don't keep draining you....if you intend to keep working with needy people then it will have to be something you do on a regular basis as these connections are made automatically....you have to learn to unplug the cords

11/12/15 03:12:44AM @karma:

Hi Karen, Thank you so much for having responded :)

It is good to know someone else has experienced the same. I have meditated vigorously the last two weeks, visualizing a thread of some kind connecting us and cutting it, I did this also with the residential home he lived in, his family and the day centre we would go to because all featured prominently in our day to day routine.

I do feel a lot less foggy but get twinges of stressy moments and cloudy headed so I know I am not clear yet.

When you say the danger, I fully get that as I was truly becoming resentful of work and in all honesty him too. The tension did indeed bounce back and forth as any boundaries as care giver seemed to diminish. The simplistic fact he would not behave the way he did with anyone but me, his mood swings affected me considerably and I would feel agitated and so low - walking away was all I could do, coming home and feeling so drained and the anxiety excessive - I can connect the dots now, my first anxiety twinges began when he moved from home to residential, they increased as did my foggy head and low moments, had I have known back then I would have done my best to protect myself.

The last year was so difficult, so much negativity and upset I blamed myself for my failures at first so did my best to improve my performance as a carer, tried harder to be supportive etc and nothing worked the situation just became more and more strained as I felt so confused, agitated and unhappy. (looking back he was so stressed with many things at home, new residents, less attention, his family taking a step back, in trouble for his inapropriate behaviour towards females)

The increase of ill health when he was supposed to be excited about going on holiday a few months ago was the crux point though (he could not handle excitement, it would worry and stress him - Christmas, Events, Day trips etc would cause him to worry and behave erratically) He could not handle the holiday due and thats when I had a severe anxiety attack.

A week off and I returned, unfortunately to his parents having let him down concerning a visit he attacked my chest, I then became very low in mood, looking back he was very low about having been let down and had taken it out on me.... I reported the incident and decided there and then I had to firm up as he was truly abusing me as a person, I told him off and continued to try and do so (very difficult for me as my nature doesnt do telling offs) he just switched to extreme anger and dislike of me...

I suffered another anxiety attack and I could no longer shift any connection, I was so ill, drained and I began behaving erratically, very confused, stressed, low and remorseful - explaining to his parents why I was leaving had me saying sorry, I felt bad, I could not cope etc..... I blamed everything on myself yet, now with clearer head I had nothing to be sorry about... was this him saying sorry? or just me feeling a failure as an empath?

I wont be working with anyone in care for a while, the last year has been too difficult and I know I need a proper rest and recuperation - I am looking for the best way to learn to protect myself, what do you advise?

11/12/15 09:48:17AM @womanwhowalks:

I think your doing everthing right....and your no failure...you had a burn out...you stuck it out...regardless, for longer than anyone did...and that means your stubborn which I can relate to and I consider good qualities...lol..since I'm rather stubborn too....lol...you didn't give up....you recognized you weren't well and took action to care for yourself which IS important...you should NEVER feel guilty for looking after yourself....although it is difficult not to feel guilty. If you happen to be with an orgaization...who employs you and sends you to your clients....sever the cords to them as well....I found out even years after quitting I was still connected...which sursprised me...but there it was...lol...

11/13/15 01:42:52AM @karma:

Thank you Karen, Your kind words of encouragement are truly appreciated. Big Hugs :)

The most bizarre thing is, I worked for his parents initially and his move to residential left me alone with him, his parents took a step back and I had no manager nor supervisor... When I finally left and made a point of this to the residential house managers they were really shocked lol, the day centre and his house were organisations of their own. We had quite literally become just us if that makes sense?

I am pretty stubborn although several times over the last few months I contemplated on just walking away, I began looking for a new job of course and took the first that came along) I thought about gong on long term sick leave but, something held me back regardless of the stress and upset... The anxiety was so bad but, instead of being terrified of going into work, I was more terrified of leaving, I can only guess this was him? (anxiety was so severe I was not eating - I lost two stone in as many months, sleep was two, three hours, I was going over conversations in my head 24/7 - I also get this was him too as he would very often take himself off and talk over conversations to himself) yet I still did not connect the dots

I honestly cannot believe what I have been going through the last year. I have always been open minded but, blimey! I never knew I could almost become someone else. Very scary and has affected me psychologically enough to be wary of people and becoming too friendly without `scoping` them first lol.

I will continue to meditate and sever the cords. Its all so sad, now I am not with him anymore I miss him (not to a point I would ever return of course, I could not put myself through such an intense downward spiral)

I miss the days he did make me laugh, although they were a long time ago. If he feels as he made me feel then I do have regret because it is an awful way to feel... He must feel so misunderstood, unhappy and angry (even at my leaving as I did) I dont know how I could have helped him though, even now I wonder what I could have done to make him feel better about himself? Being as nice and understanding as I could just increased his inappropriate behaviours and he felt very comfortable in taking advantage, firming up had him rebel....

Have you managed to sever all ties from the past?

11/13/15 09:20:24AM @womanwhowalks:

Lol...I know the feeling...I had a burn out too....my client was a lady of 95 or so....I ended up in a retirement home looking after her 8 hours a day...in a tiny apartment with the most uncomfortable chairs...at 1st was ok...we went to the dining room for her dinner....went down at coffee hour....we saw people...then she started to decline...and we ended up staying in her tiny apt....I felt it was ME getting old with her....was with her for more than a year....and I finally had enough...so I requested a transfer...or at least less hours with her....anything to get out of there..but no...I was the only one who had stayed with her...she was very difficult at the beginning...and she was pretty hard on new care givers...I went through a lot of abuse at the beginning....but she finally settled down...she had dementia....and we started to click...I came to care about her a great deal so it really hurt me when I had to leave...but if I stayed I'd explode...so I turned in my 2 week notice...got a call from my employer...trying to get me to stay...I asked if they had other clients lined up for me...I needed to start moving around again....she said not right away it would take a few weeks...I said no you had pleny of time to arrange something else...finished my 2 weeks and left...felt free and sad at the same time....she died a few months later...so I guess I could've waited...nah....I did the right thing...no I haven't finished cutting cords to my past...got a good chunk dun...had a dream a few years ago...I was on a beach..went swimming and got caught in a whirlepool tide...was being gently tumbled around like in a washing machine, then I left the pool, turned and suddenly the giant wall off water rose up, toweing over me, it didn't move, just stayed in place, the swim I took represented cleansing, renewal, the wall of water I'm not exactly sure yet, then after a lot of cord cutting and I mean alot...I went to TOWN cutting cords...cleaning out memories etc, I had another dream, was in a place with large cavernous rooms...where all the contents in those rooms were arranged in a neat orderly fashion....and almost empty in the ones I saw...there were quite a few rooms...so I assumed I was doing it all right...lol...but no there are a few more rooms...ones I know about that I can't seem to get to...I kkep poking at them though so hopefully one day I'll get to the memories...

11/14/15 03:20:54AM @karma:

Thats how it seemed for me to, (the intent to keep me working with him - even from the residential home and his parents, the continued telling me there was no one else to do the job, my final argument was, that was not my responsibility, I had to leave no matter what) - How strange we both had that. Isnt that the hardest part, you cannot go to a senior, manager, parent or whatever and say `look, I am an empath and this individual is draining every part of my being`.

Must have indeed been the empath connection being so strong all means of connection were clinging on and spreading to other sources to ensure we did do - Like you I knew I would explode or become extremely ill if stayed.

I take note of my dreams also, I see them as my higher self communicating through them, of late I have dreamt of severe facial swelling, which I gather is not so much vanity but a self image complex where I feel a failure and that people will notice. My dream prior was my winning an award of extreme success (cant remember the success I had claimed) I was deliberating that I would not forget my friends from the past, everyone said I looked amazing then I dreamt of the swollen face, no longer a success but a failure - Putting both together, I assume no one sees me as a failure only I do.

I again assume this is because I at present, being so affected by the last year, will have all this play heavily on my mind for a while to come - I need learn to accept and move on but, in truth it scares me to ever be in the same position. I am staying away from care work for now at least.

11/14/15 11:06:56AM @womanwhowalks:

I changed my career too...decided I had enough...not sure my new one is the greatest...driving a bus puts me to close to hordes of people...lol...so clearing my energy on a regular basis is important...I also have to sever links to my employer and other employees on a regular basis...lol...it never ends...it used to scare me as well , seemed like a HUGE job...smudging me, my house on a regular basis helps as well...calms everything down....and yourcwelcome, I don't mind listening at all...lol...

11/15/15 01:47:22AM @karma:

Again Thank You :)

I am now working in a kitchen of a carvery (am vegan - the desperation to get away has landed me somewhere I dont really want to be, not sure being around many dead animals is a wise choice however I am looking elsewhere as I work - I have a sense that I should not be there also)

Thing is I am guarded at least, not making any real connection with people as it is so busy and much running around deters developing relationships of any kind. No negative feelings from others. Not being responsible for another takes the mental stress away.

I smudge with sage now and then, you have reminded me I should do again soon :)

Thank You for the gift xx

11/27/15 01:51:43AM @karma:

Hi Saramel, not so simple unfortunately - If it were I would have done exactly that

He was an extremely negative adult with many inappropriate behaviours towards females (esp me) being around him was toxic to my health and mental state on so many levels. I finally had to run so to speak - The last time I was in his presence was a month ago and every now and then I feel a twinge still.

I have already moved away from caring for now, - Thanks for your input anyhow :)

01/11/16 01:50:28AM @karma:

Fancy Girl, I did not even know you had responded, I feel so rude for not having replied in such a long time.

Thank you for having shared your experience.

You do not sound horrible at all. I truly hear you. I know a lot of people said I had changed and seemed less like myself (compassionate) - I began to feel less compassionate that is for sure but, believe initially that was him anyway - He was a very narcissistic personality (without an ability to be cruel - just extremely selfish and self absorbed - so hard because his entire family treated him like glass,)

Like you I felt I did not exist, even he treated me as if my only purpose was to serve his every need (his family demanded I did too,). I new this when I began working with him and the first year was fine, I could cope well, His move to residential was when the problems started - So like you again, the anger was the beginning - He took it all out on me.

The negative energies he projected just worsened, the weaker I became, the stronger he got - sounds so melodramatic furthermore, I only see this now in hindsiight, I did not at the time, I believed all thoughts and feelings were my own.

They sound like sad stories, learning disability, little old lady.... But in truth the energy these individuals had were indeed toxic and extremely damaging.

I too saw it as a lesson - a very brutal one, I just wish I had known at the time what was happening. I believe I would have learned to protect myself better and work with the empathy - as it stands today, I am wary